Unmarried

BrooksMommy33 · September 2015

I did search the boards before making this thread so don't crucify me if I missed one!

I feel like a lot of the ladies here are all married when they talk about the father of their child. I have been with my bf for over 4 years and we have lived together for over 3. I know that being unmarried is a slightly different dynamic than being married and having more sure-ity of their situation.

I know I felt a lot of guilt and uncertainty when I ended up pregnant because that was the first thing they (parents and inlaws) said when we moved in together: "You will just end up pregnant now that you are living together."

Then once they found out everyone insisted on marriage. We decided that we didn't want to rush into anything and would wait til after the baby was here to get married.

Now that I am pregnant I feel like they can all screw themselves.

Are their any other fellow bump members who had this problem or other problems as a pregnant mama with just a bf or single?

Melodyags · September 2015

My bf and I have 2 children together and 1 more on the way. Weve been together for 12 years and lived together 11. Some people seem to look down upon it. We are happy and it works for us. So if it does for you and your happy then that's what matters. Marrying someone just because pregnant and being pushed in it is always a bad idea.

BrooksMommy33 · September 2015

That makes me feel better. I think it's wrong that many people are shamed into marriage due to pregnancy. I do plan on getting married, but when we are good and ready.

Mrsbearmomma · September 2015

Both of my older sister have been in this situation. My oldest had been with her bf for 6 years and when my nephew was 2 they got married. My middle sister has been with her bf for about 7 years now and they have a 2 year old. I chose to get married before having children, but that was a personal decision.

kynbar5 · September 2015

While I grew up into a very old fashioned frame of mind and I raise my kids the same, I will say that I'm also a big "to each their own" advocate. Everyone has their own lifestyles. If this situation works for you and your SO then by all means, do what is best for y'all. Definitely don't feel like you're obligated to get married right now if that's not what you both want. I see married couples that are so completely jacked up and then unmarried couples that live very emotionally healthy and dedicated lives together. Like I said, just do what is best for you, the baby and your SO. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!

ecwk · September 2015

kynbar5 said:
Definitely don't feel like you're obligated to get married right now if that's not what you both want. I see married couples that are so completely jacked up and then unmarried couples that live very emotionally healthy and dedicated lives together.

100% this. You do what's right for you. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Smom901316 · September 2015

My (now) husband and I had been together for 4.5 years and engaged for two when we found out we were expecting our first. Both sets of parents encouraged us to get married . It was such a shock for us to be expecting I am glad we waited , it is our family and our decision.

We got married when my daughter was 9 months old in the most perfect small ceremony in our living room because that is what WE wanted .

If you want to honor marriage and tradition , get married when you know it is the right move for you, getting divorced or separating later because you felt forced will be far harder than explaining to people you want to enjoy this phase for your now growing family. It doesn't make you any less of a parent .

ACleanLife24 · September 2015

I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc

Smom901316 · September 2015

ACleanLife24 said:
I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc

This !!

We did have documents drafted and notarized stating our "agreement" and wishes .

BrooksMommy33 · September 2015

Smom901316 said:

I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc
This !! We did have documents drafted and notarized stating our "agreement" and wishes .

Can you write it pretty informally? Like a MW document and have that notorized? Or does it all have to be official?

hecubus330 · September 2015

I've been with my bf almost eight years. Though I would have preferred to be married before having children, after a cancer scare we decided that we had to start trying immediately. I was nervous about telling parents I was pregnant but they were just happy to hear about the baby.

I do wonder how long it will be before sometime asks when we are going to get married.

BrooksMommy33 · September 2015

Well I'm glad everything turned out okay (I hope the cancer stays away!)

Me and my bf were not the most careful people either. We weren't trying, but weren't knocking it either. I had come off my birth control for a medical condition and we just decided if it happens it happens and if anything I would have plenty help and time to be with the baby before I started teaching.

Smom901316 · September 2015

BrooksMommy33 said:

Smom901316 said:

ACleanLife24 said:
I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc
This !!

We did have documents drafted and notarized stating our "agreement" and wishes .

Can you write it pretty informally? Like a MW document and have that notorized? Or does it all have to be official?

I had access to a lawyer service through my work but I believe that as long as it is notorized it holds some weight , I would do a little research on laws in your state regarding paternity rights and unmarried significant others with children ... The main thing is if there was an issue with me we didn't want the state to assume custody of our daughter while my (then) fiancé had to jump through hoops to prove he was now the custodial parent.

BrooksMommy33 · September 2015

Smom901316 said:

Smom901316 said:

I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc
This !! We did have documents drafted and notarized stating our "agreement" and wishes .

Can you write it pretty informally? Like a MW document and have that notorized? Or does it all have to be official?

I had access to a lawyer service through my work but I believe that as long as it is notorized it holds some weight , I would do a little research on laws in your state regarding paternity rights and unmarried significant others with children ... The main thing is if there was an issue with me we didn't want the state to assume custody of our daughter while my (then) fiancé had to jump through hoops to prove he was now the custodial parent.

Thanks so much! I honestly didn't put so much thought into this as I thought I had. I have family in the area, but of course I wouldn't want them fighting over my child. We made a few things known to family members and friends, but it is definitely worth more with an official document.

Latina211508 · September 2015

I was 17 when I got pregnant with my first baby. Obviously I was unmarried and living with my parents. I had just graduated high school and was about to start college that fall. My husband and I wanted to get married/move in but we didn't want to rush anything because of pregnancy. We are now married and pregnant with our fourth child. We are happy. I have 2 aunts that are not married but are still with their partner and they have a family together. I never looked down on them. They both just wasn't interested in marriage. They are happy as can be. Don't worry about others. Do things when you two are ready.

Mrsbearmomma · September 2015

When it comes down to it, your family(ies) should want you to marry your SO out of love and not out of obligation.

arcanejinx · September 2015

I refer to my partner as my DH here because we are common law. We've been together six and a half years-and have been living together for about 5. Thankfully we have had no questions on when we are going to marry (we got engaged last Xmas but are in no rush), as we are essentially getting married for when we adopt a child in the future/possibly become foster parents.

You partner is your family, now our family is growing. Do what you both feel is right for your family.

MrsPittman13 · September 2015

I'm old fashioned. I couldn't imagine not being married before having kids. But that's just me. Marriage isn't for everyone and everyone needs to do things at their own pace. You can't rush being ready to get married.

At the end of the day it's your life, you have to do what makes you happy. Ignore the people who would try to give you a hard time about it. It's your life not theirs.

smount2011 · September 2015

Don't feel obligated to get married because everyone is pressuring you! My DD was with another man, and we were never married. We had intentions to, but DD came first. Once she was born, I saw him for the idiot/a-hole he is, got smart and left his @$$. For this second one, DH wanted children before we got married, and I told him no because then I didn't want to be the baby mama with 2 kids by 2 daddies and have something happen where we broke up, then work on daddy #3 because I'm not like that. I needed more stability before I had my next child. It just so happens DH was a slow mover- we didn't move in together until we had been dating 3.5 years, then 2 months later he proposed. We got married after being together over 5 years, and it took us 4 more (battling PCOS and endometriosis) we could finally conceive.

I know I like to give my life history but I've done it both ways. You do what makes you happy, and tell everyone its YOUR decision to make, not theirs.

SparkE82 · September 2015

BrooksMommy33 said:

I did search the boards before making this thread so don't crucify me if I missed one!

I feel like a lot of the ladies here are all married when they talk about the father of their child. I have been with my bf for over 4 years and we have lived together for over 3. I know that being unmarried is a slightly different dynamic than being married and having more sure-ity of their situation.
I know I felt a lot of guilt and uncertainty when I ended up pregnant because that was the first thing they (parents and inlaws) said when we moved in together: "You will just end up pregnant now that you are living together."
Then once they found out everyone insisted on marriage. We decided that we didn't want to rush into anything and would wait til after the baby was here to get married.
Now that I am pregnant I feel like they can all screw themselves.
Are their any other fellow bump members who had this problem or other problems as a pregnant mama with just a bf or single?

I would tell them to but out of your life. They don't get to dictate how you live your life. Being married doesn't gurantee that everything will be good in your new life with a baby......Do what is right for you and your family, not what "everyone else" wants.

red3ye · September 2015

I have been with my man for 7+ years, but only got married this year. We have a 2 year old together. We have known for years that we wanted to get married but it just never seemed like a good time. Don't rush into it, and do not let them pressure you into something your not ready for. Haters will just have to deal with it.

flowerpower5838 · September 2015

I am personally married. But I have a BIL that rushed into a marriage because he had a child with a woman and now is miserable. I also have a BIL that has been with the same woman for about 7 or 8 years, they have a 4 year old and both of her children from a previous marriage call him dad. They are not married, plan to someday but it's just not a priority.

Like everyone has said, don't rush into something or get pressured into something that you're not ready for. If you guys decide to get married later, it will may mean more because you wanted to versus feeling that you needed to.

Parker16772 · September 2015

I was important to me and DH to be married before we had kids but I would never look down on someone who wasn't. Everyone should do what feels right for them and I don't believe that having a child is a reason to get married. You should get married when you feel ready and I wouldn't let anyone pressure you into it. It's not 1850 and tons of people live together and have families without being married.

KatieintheCity · September 2015

It's no one's business to "insist" you get married. I know lots of folks who have babies with partners they're not married to (or, for that matter, single women who have babies). I think it's becoming more common. Do what works for you guys and don't let yourself get pressured into anything.

Also, a big WTF to "now you'll get pregnant that you've moved in together". I'm assuming you were having sex BEFORE you moved in together. Do you get more fertile because you live in the same house? No. That's just a dumb comment.

llybeck · September 2015

Just echoing what everyone else has said, don't feel obligated to do anything and do what works for you!

With our first, we were not married. In fact, we had only been dating for 8 months when I got pregnant. We weren't living together even. DH's family is very Catholic and they were horrified, it was constant comments from them for a while until DH finally put his foot down. Actually, a lot of people made comments or would give us dirty looks in the grocery store, etc. It was frustrating but it wasn't anyone else's business so we ignored a lot of it. We decided to buy a house together while I was pregnant, apparently DH was already looking at buying a house so it really just sped up the process a bit. At that point we already knew we wanted to be together and were committed to each other. We waited to get married and ended up doing it the day after our daughter's 1st birthday. So the rehearsal dinner was really more of her birthday party

It is what worked for us and what we wanted. We knew we wanted to get married but we weren't going to rush it for anyone. We have another on the way and couldn't be happier.

I know sometimes people really look down on this, and plenty of people did for us too, but getting pregnant and not being married isn't a death sentence for a relationship and it's no one's business how you handle it but you and your BF's. It surprises me that people still care to judge people for this, it's pretty ridiculous. Obviously you guys are committed to each other, you've been together for years and now living together, you will be just fine! If you've already talked to your family and asked them to stop with the comments, I would just start trying to ignore it. Do what works for you and congratulations!

canadiangirl57 · September 2015

Ive only been with my boyfriend for 9 months. Im currently 17weeks pregnant. Were not married or planning on marriage anytime soon. We did get a place together this month. We never been happier in our lives. Both are parents were very unsupportive at first but we told them its our life, were happy we loved for the family to be supportive and in our baby life but if they couldn't be respectful then we couldn't have them around the stress of them being so judgemental was not worth it. Please don't let anyone fill your head with non sense. Your happy with your partner and excited for your baby don't let anyone ruin your happiness.

2-Step · September 2015

ACleanLife24 said:

I would just make sure you see a lawyer and dot your "i"s and cross your "t"s when it comes to any emergencies... what would happen to the house, debt, cbild, when in illness etc

I agree with this. I am not traditional in the moral sense when it comes to kids outside of marriage, and I understand having an unplanned baby before marriage happens, but what I have a hard time with sometimes is people that plan children without any sort of legal commitment, whether that be marriage or simply some sort of civil arrangement to take care of assets, debt, homes etc. I would understand where the parents were coming from in that regard because it is about protecting your family and providing the best scenario for you to succeed together. I don't advocate rushing marriage by any means because I don't think it solves anything, but definitely do some family planning and maybe that will put your parents' minds at ease when they see you are handling things responsibly and making good decisions for your family, regardless of marital status.

bbrianax · September 2015

I've been with my SO 3 years, going on 4 when LO arrives. We have plans to get married eventually but are in no rush. I get asked a lot when we're getting married, but I think it's to each his own.

chrisrauwolf · September 2015

I've been struggling with this, too. I have been with my BF for almost 3 years, and we're both definitely old enough and stable enough (financially and emotionally) to be able to handle a new addition. We got engaged shortly after finding out we were pregnant, and told both families...then waited until 12 weeks to announce the pregnancy. My family is ecstatic and I'm feeling no pressure from them, but his family is quite religious and wants to rush a wedding... I feel like doing that makes it seem like we have something to hide or be ashamed of, and I'd hate to look back on my wedding day and feel like we were just covering something up. It's been argued that "it's important to the baby" but I disagree--I think it's more important for our child to know that we wed because we loved one another, not because we "had to". Hoping to stand my ground...

tahirgirl · September 2015

Im pretty old fashioned myself but sometimes things happen in a certain order for specific reasons.. i have been with my bf for 5 years we have lived together for 3.. We have spoke on marriage but there really is no rush.. If you ask me I feel married already... His Grandma actually asked me when we were getting married and I laughed and said thats up to your grandson..lol.. Dont be pressured into getting married.. You guys just move at your own pace.. This is my first pregnancy and my mood swings kick into gear all the time.. Lol Id be shocked if my bf asked me to marry him after all Im putting him thru..jk. Tradition is all fine but hey if it goes out of order alittle who cares.. Long as you are happy and baby is healthy..

mshukh · September 2015

I agree with those who equate marriage to stability. If you think of it this way, you may be better able to understand where they are coming from. Personally, I am old-fashioned and would never have children before marriage. But that's my and my husband's comfort zone.

Children, without any doubt, are the biggest commitment you will ever make and I think your family is concerned for their well-being more than the specific fact that you are not yet married. Rushing into marriage is clearly not the best (although sometimes it works out great!), but having children without some sort of legal commitment is also very shaky ground to walk on. What it comes down to in my mind is this: when two people are willingly married, they show a level of commitment that is often times assumed by unmarried couples who often do not discuss their plans for future and family. When assumptions get made on either side, it can be very heartbreaking in the end. Especially for the children involved.

Numerous studies have shown that children from broken homes are prone to repeat the cycle. Risking perpetuating this trend is not wise. On the other hand, being married does not guarantee protection from this either. It's all about commitment, clearly laid out expectations, and honest and open communication.

kynbar5 · September 2015

@mshukh while I completely understand what you're saying (as I was raised being taught that) that can actually go either way. You can honestly be fully committed with or without marriage. It's all in the relationship. Having a legal document doesn't make a relationship any more real than an already fully committed one. It just makes the break-up process a little more lengthy. This is just yet another one of those "to each their own" situations. I would never, ever pressure someone into marriage no matter what my personal feelings were. This is a situation that a couple has got to come to on their own, in their own time or there will be problems (not to say that there won't be anyways because life's not perfect lol).

llybeck · September 2015

mshukh said:

I agree with those who equate marriage to stability. If you think of it this way, you may be better able to understand where they are coming from. Personally, I am old-fashioned and would never have children before marriage. But that's my and my husband's comfort zone.

Children, without any doubt, are the biggest commitment you will ever make and I think your family is concerned for their well-being more than the specific fact that you are not yet married. Rushing into marriage is clearly not the best (although sometimes it works out great!), but having children without some sort of legal commitment is also very shaky ground to walk on. What it comes down to in my mind is this: when two people are willingly married, they show a level of commitment that is often times assumed by unmarried couples who often do not discuss their plans for future and family. When assumptions get made on either side, it can be very heartbreaking in the end. Especially for the children involved.

Numerous studies have shown that children from broken homes are prone to repeat the cycle. Risking perpetuating this trend is not wise. On the other hand, being married does not guarantee protection from this either. It's all about commitment, clearly laid out expectations, and honest and open communication.

The part I highlighted... Yeah, that's great in theory but unless you are completely abstaining from sex then it's not always what happens! We were practicing 2 forms of protection and I still got pregnant with DD. I had the same idea as you, I didn't want to get pregnant before marriage (for other reasons), but it doesn't always work that way.

And obviously kids are a giant commitment, they are much bigger commitment than even marriage. It is a great idea to get legal documentation in case anything happens but it's a good idea to do that when you're married too. Marriage is not an unbreakable contract and the commitment to a marriage is what the individuals decide to put into it. You can put the same commitment into a relationship without being married. OP and her BF are living together and have been together for 4 years. I'm willing to bet they've discussed the long term and I'm sure they are doing so even more now that they are going to have a child. Just because you are not married that doesn't mean you haven't discussed things or that you assume anything about the future instead of actually talking about it. And yes, statistics show that people that come from broken homes are more likely to do the same but that is absolutely not a reason for anyone to get married because they have kids or are pregnant. Married or not, people can and do split up. More than half of all marriages end in divorce so clearly marriage is not the biggest indicator in how committed two people are to each other, kids or not.

Regardless of how OP's family feels about marriage, NO ONE should be telling them or "insisting" that they get married. People can have any views they like on marriage out of wedlock but it's no one's business what someone else chooses to do (or not do) about it.

llybeck · September 2015

^^^ "marriage out of wedlock", LOL. I meant having kids out of wedlock!

2-Step · September 2015

kynbar5 said:
@mshukh while I completely understand what you're saying (as I was raised being taught that) that can actually go either way. You can honestly be fully committed with or without marriage. It's all in the relationship. Having a legal document doesn't make a relationship any more real than an already fully committed one. It just makes the break-up process a little more lengthy. This is just yet another one of those "to each their own" situations. I would never, ever pressure someone into marriage no matter what my personal feelings were. This is a situation that a couple has got to come to on their own, in their own time or there will be problems (not to say that there won't be anyways because life's not perfect lol).

That legal document is a lot more than just about the break up, it determines the way assets are distributed after death, who gets to make end of life decisions, it carries tax implications, health coverage benefits and social security/retirement benefits. All of these things have the potential to affect the child and his or her future, as well as other family relationships and the financial future of the couple. Marriage takes care of the family as a single unit with both parents sharing assets and responsibilities equally in the eyes of the law, which is important IMO. Yes the commitment may be just as real without that, but all of these issues are real as well and are not the same for unmarried parents. If parents want to take care of those issues without marriage then that is their choice, but I feel they should still be considered seriously and not seen as just a piece of paper.

BabyBouley · September 2015

You hang in there, woman. My man and I have only been together for a year but knew right away we wanted babies together so we started trying. I grew up in a Christian family, the thought of telling my parents was terrifying. When the time came to share the news, they were really excited. This was huge as I have never really gotten along with my father and I dreaded telling him. Turns out, he ran to work and bragged about getting to be a grandpa. My side of the family did ask when we planned on getting married and all it took was a simple, "when the time is right" to put them at ease. The man's family, on the other hand, hasn't mentioned marriage at all and is just ecstatic for another baby. :x Adding to the excitement, both my *eventually* SIL and I are pregnant together and only due a week apart.

My point is, do what's best for you and your family, because that's exactly what you, your man, and your soon to be baby are. A family. You don't need immediate marriage to make that true.

mshukh · September 2015

llybeck said:

mshukh said:

I agree with those who equate marriage to stability. If you think of it this way, you may be better able to understand where they are coming from. Personally, I am old-fashioned and would never have children before marriage. But that's my and my husband's comfort zone.

The part I highlighted... Yeah, that's great in theory but unless you are completely abstaining from sex then it's not always what happens! We were practicing 2 forms of protection and I still got pregnant with DD. I had the same idea as you, I didn't want to get pregnant before marriage (for other reasons), but it doesn't always work that way.

Haha...very true. I misspoke. We would never *plan* to have them before marriage. I think everyone gave the OP pretty much the same advice though. Make sure there's commitment and clearly laid out expectations / communication (some legal document would help). Put your family first. The rest will take care of itself.

arcanejinx · October 2015

I just wanted to mention: by simply living together for one year (which we passed oh 5 years ago) according to the laws of my province and reconized across Canada my fiancé and I are common law married. Which means even if we separate there are legal statues to how it's to be done (essentially it's a divorce). So in some places not being married does not equal lack of commitment because we (and the many common law couples we know) are aware of how according to the law we are married. No playing games with who has my power of attorney or custody of the child if I die.

alligreer88 · October 2015

My first daughter was conceived 4 months after I met her father. His traditional family suggested a wedding as if it was the obvious next quick step. My mother thought it would probably add more problems to what was already a "situation" (I had just graduated college and was still working at a bar and spending most of my time "being 22" and still living at home. The father was trucking over the road and although he was 27 living on his own he wasn't much more mature than me. We moved into my moms house together and rented his place out, saved a down payment and bought a house when our daughter was about 9 months. I got job using my degree and he got a local truck job. We got married when our daughter was 2 and I'm now expecting our second daughter. If we would have got married while expecting our first, I'm fairly confident we wouldn't have made it. Working together to take control of the situation on our own timeline brought us together. So whether a wedding is in your future or not, success can be- and its unrelated to a wedding. Although I totally understand when people feel judged for not being married with kids. I always thought of a wedding as paper, and didn't think t would change my relationship with my husband, but it honestly has even though we were sharing finances and living together the whole time. There are several things that come up all the time that remind me we are more connected after the wedding.

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