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September 2015 Moms
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Husband and doctor against cosleeping

kkerner87kkerner87 member
in September 2015 Moms
So let me start off by saying I really do try to put LO in her rock n' play by our bed every night. In the middle of the night, she wakes up to eat and will not go back in it. Most of the time we fall asleep while nursing. We keep our bed safe. No extra blankets or pillows and we have a light weight blanket. I feel like even when we sleep, I'm still aware LO is right next to me. She can make the tiniest noise and I will hear it. If we don't fall asleep nursing, I try to put her back in the RnP but she just screams or will cry until I pick her up and snuggle her. I don't know what to do. Her doctor said cosleeping is way too dangerous and he does not recommended it at all and I should "let her cry it out". My husband has been saying this to me for weeks and once he heard the doctor say that, he harrasses me about it at home. I'm sorry but a 4 week old should not be left to cry it out. I am the one who is up in the middle of the night with her while she is upset and crying and letting her sleep with us is just easier. We do swaddle her, use white noise machine, but nothing works...
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Re: Husband and doctor against cosleeping

  • mamahood15mamahood15 member
    Have you tried a paci? I was totally against them and swore up and down that my daughter would not have a pacifier. I broke down and we only give her one at night and it is only to get her to sleep. She usually spits it out on her own but it has really come in handy to get her to sleep so she doesn't have to co-sleep.
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  • IzziesIzzies member
    The only (and I truly mean ONLY) way my oldest daughter would sleep was on me I was so nervous at first but my sanity and health won over and it worked for us for the first year of her life. As long as you are viligant about safely cosleeping do what works for you. .
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  • mamaraffemamaraffe member
    Here is a safer route if you plan on ci sleeping. I bought one of these on Amazon. My son sleeps in it on our bed and it keeps him from rolling and us from going on to him. We have a large king bed so we all have our own space. He loves it. I also use it when he naps in the cradle.

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  • etayisloveetayislove member
    The Sweet Sleep book is wonderful and the tearsheets can get you started safely.
    https://www.llli.org/sweetsleepbook/tearsheets

    My husband has never been okay with bed sharing but it saved my mental health tremendously. If done correctly it can be safe and studies done are showing its better for avoiding SIDS. Crying it out...goodness me...especially for a newborn? No way.
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    edited September 2015
    @mamahood15 she used to take a paci, but she does not anymore. We try every night and she cries harder when we put it in her mouth and she spits it out. @paine0925 this is my greatest fear and I swore up and down I would not bring baby in my bed, but i don't know what else to do. I looked into cosleepers that go in bed and we might try a snuggle nest, but they're so expensive!
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    It just sucks because it is causing an argument with my husband and I. I just cannot allow my baby to cry and cry and cry. I feel like I'd she were to stop crying, it's her giving up hope mommy is coming to love her :(( it breaks my heart to listen her cry when she is in my arms. Let alone all by herself. So what is a clueless FTM supposed to do? I know bed sharing is not ideal, but I try to make it safe as possible.
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    edited September 2015
    I was reading up on it and I read (no offense to FF moms), but babies who are breastfed and bed share it is supposed to be safer? Idk if that is bs or not? But I know a lot of mom's who breastfed and they said they always fell asleep while nursing? I would never be under any kind of influence while caring for my child, so definitely drugs or alcohol is not an issue!
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  • tlc11934tlc11934 member
    I am strongly against crying it out at any stage but especially for an infant. Do you go to a practice where there are multiple pediatricians? I dont feel this is normal advice coming from a doctor.

    Do you have a swing? This is the only way DD1 would fall asleep and we'd just turn it off once she was out and she'd stay. She couldn't sleep lying down until she was about 6 months old.

    Good luck!
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  • chelseajeanenechelseajeanene member
    I've been having this problem the last 3 nights and we're not sure what to do about it either. I'm not a fan of cosleeping out of fear but he will not stay asleep when I place him back in the crib. He's been fine up until now but I worry because he rolled off onto my nightstand his first week :/
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    edited September 2015
    I have LOVED our doctor except for that. He really is great BUT, he told me that I should let her cry for at least 15 minutes so she can learn to self soothe. I will say at some point, I think the child does need to learn to soothe themselves or you will be like my sister and nephew that at 4 years old, still cannot sleep by himself. But I don't think the newborn stage is the time to do it.
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    Thinking about trying this out? Just seems like an awful lot of money when we spent so much on cribs, rock and plays and pack n plays
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  • paine0925paine0925 member
    That looks like it would work! How much does it cost?

    I could never let my baby girl "cry it out" - us moms are so in tune with our babies that not rushing to them when they need us goes against our every instinct!

    One thing I will say is that the best thing to do for us has been to try every possible option, when we run into a roadblock we start brainstorming and asking friends that have kids what options we have and what we could try next and it always seems to work with us. So I would say that you and your husband can team up together and come up with some alternatives and make a list of things that you can try that might satisfy both of you? I hate when me and hubby are at odds about a solution!!
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  • kanga915kanga915 member
    We bed share and did with my first DD until six months as well. We follow all the recommendations for safety. I EBF and it's the only way we can get any sleep. I strongly disagree with crying it out, especially at this age. I'm very surprised a doctor wants you to use that method.
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    Your baby is much too young to CIO and doesn't yet have the developmental skill of self soothing.  I'm pretty surprised your pedi recommended that in one so little.  She is still in her fourth trimester and its natural for her to want to be with you.  

    Usually I'm of the opinion that if both you and YH are not comfortable with co-sleeping then you need to find an alternative.  Something that has such a big impact on your parenting lives should be something you both agree on, however, the solution to that is NOT letting your 4 week old scream.  Try different soothing methods and sleeping arrangements until you find one that works for all of you.  That may require a lot of time and several rough nights but eventually you will be able to sort something out.  

    I'm not necessarily against CIO though I don't use it for my children (I did use controlled crying once on my then 18 month old after a vacation to get him back on track) but I would never use it for a baby under 6 months old.  To expect a 4 week old to learn how to self soothe is insane to me. 


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  • babs02babs02 member
    Every once in a while lo gets fussy and won't fall asleep. That's when I'll lay in bed with him but I only do it until he falls asleep and then move him into his bed. I usually don't fall asleep myself but it's really nice to just close my eyes for a bit. Have you tried moving her after she falls asleep?
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    Thanks for the input everyone! @ElleMF728 I totally agree to all of that! I just dont know what else we can try. We have tried different ways of swaddling, in the rock n play, in the pack n play, with the white noise, with out, the only other thing we have not tried is heating up a sock of rice and laying it next to her?

    @babs02 yes, I always try to put her in the RnP after she falls asleep, but less than 2 minutes of being it, she screams her head off, but she will sleep like a rock with me :-/
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  • firsttimemamabearefirsttimemamabeare member
    We are using one of the baby snuggle surround cosleepers you have pictured. Look at second hand stores that's where I got our for 20 bucks! And it was brand new you can wash all the fabric too....
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  • ForeverEverAfterForeverEverAfter member
    This site has great info on safe bedsharing: https://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/

    They have a mother-baby sleep lab with loads of research behind their recommendations. We bedshare using those guidelines (EBF, baby between me and a sturdy bed rail).

    I personally don't think CIO is necessary (and definitely not for a newborn). We bedshared with DD1, she switched to her own room without sleep training at 8 mo, and puts herself to bed at 2.5yo.
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    @kkerner Will she sleep in a swing? That may be enough to just get her through her rougher nights if she will.  Will she take a binkie? DS2 only likes a specific kind so I had to try a few.  

    If we are really struggling DH will leave and sleep in another room while I bring DS in bed with me.  He doesn't feel comfortable enough that he will wake but we both know that I will so maybe that is an option for you as well.  

    Another thing I do is to pull up YouTube on my phone and search womb sounds the first one that pops up is the one I use and I stick my phone right in the RnP with LO.  For some reason this actually does soothe a bit better than my white noise machine and I have used it 3 or 4 times successfully.  I rock the RnP to until he falls asleep. 
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    She won't take a paci and she will only be in the swing for a few minutes before she cries to be held. It is so exhausting! Getting her to sleep is a process of nursing and comfort sucking, diaper changes and bouncing on one of those large exercise balls while cradling her. Then once she falls asleep, I attempt to put her in the rock n play. Once in a blue moon she stays asleep in it for 2 hours or so, but mostly I end up taking her inot bed. DH has been sleeping on the pull out on those nights because he is a very heavy sleeper and toss' and turns (I've almost caught an elbow to the eye because he toss and turns so freaking much. I wish they made man sized swaddles lol).

    I will definitely try the womb sounds!
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  • sterjacks21sterjacks21 member
    kkerner87 said:

    Thinking about trying this out? Just seems like an awful lot of money when we spent so much on cribs, rock and plays and pack n plays



    I have this! I really didn't want to spend the money either but it has saved my sanity. My LO wouldn't sleep unless he was in bed with us. It made the first nights he was home really terrible for me. But after buying the snuggle nest he sleepers perfectly. I also enjoy being close to him so I can make sure he is okay at night. It really was money well spent!
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  • AtlasmomAtlasmom member
    kkerner87 said:

    Thinking about trying this out? Just seems like an awful lot of money when we spent so much on cribs, rock and plays and pack n plays

    I was way lucky and got one of these on clearance at BRU for $15!!! My baby is still in the womb but I can't wait to try it.

    Also I've heard many bad things about using RnP for sleep so be careful with that.

    Crying it out at 4weeks seems crazy to me. Hope you can find a good solution.
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    edited September 2015
    My first hated the swing as well but was a terrible sleeper and he was a cat napper until he was 8 months old.  DH worked and lived in another state and was only home on Saturdays, I was desperate and read hundreds of articles and books, I tried everything under the sun. This website really helped and this guide actually worked...seriously. I was finally able to put DS1 down for more than 15 minutes at a time. 


    ETA: I had to use the varsity method but it really did work!
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  • jenboston22jenboston22 member
    kkerner87 said:
    Thinking about trying this out? Just seems like an awful lot of money when we spent so much on cribs, rock and plays and pack n plays
    I have this. It works great once baby settles in, although for me it can still take some tricks to get baby to initially fall asleep. It definitely feels a lot safer, though, than keeping the baby directly on the bed, which would make me very nervous.
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  • meggipi5meggipi5 member
    Lots of good advice here already, but a compromise could be you and DH taking turns sleeping with the baby somewhere a little more upright, like in a recliner or propped up on the couch. If he is against co sleeping and none of the great options mentioned here work, he should take a turn sleeping with baby somewhere else.
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  • etayisloveetayislove member
    @meggipi5 sleeping in a chair or couch is considered a unsafe sleep practice since baby can slide down between you and the furniture, into the crevices or off of you.
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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    I think we might just go the hard route. We're going to tag team soothing and putting the baby down in the rock n play. Even I'd she just sleeps 2 minutes at a time
    Hopefully over time those stretches will be longer and longer. But no crying it out. Hopin to put in the ground work and soon we will have a baby that sleeps on her own. This is so exhausting. I kind of want to cry...
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  • eah325eah325 member
    kkerner87 said:

    I think we might just go the hard route. We're going to tag team soothing and putting the baby down in the rock n play. Even I'd she just sleeps 2 minutes at a time
    Hopefully over time those stretches will be longer and longer. But no crying it out. Hopin to put in the ground work and soon we will have a baby that sleeps on her own. This is so exhausting. I kind of want to cry...

    Good luck!
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  • Mcorbin736Mcorbin736 member
    edited September 2015
    Have you considered side-car your crib? I was also very nervous about bed sharing but it's all my lo wanted and after the first few days I wanted him that close to me! We looked into buying a cosleeper to put between my husband and I but our bed just isn't big enough. We found a way to connect the crib to our bed so our lo can be by me and be in a crib. I'm still able to put my hand in him and sleep close, but feel a lot more comfortable!!
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  • secarnersecarner member
    I use this https://www.armsreach.com/shop/co-sleeper_bassinets/clear-vue-co-sleeper-bassinet..it's the only co-sleeper I have found that is Jpma approved. My newborn has slept in it since day one and she's now 4 weeks. People complain about the mattress, but it's suppose to be a firm one to help prevent against SIDS. Babies do not need a super soft mattress. I am super scared of SIDS, so my newborn sleeps in this, with a SNUZA, swaddled on her back, and nothing in the co-sleeper. I use the recommended sheets and not more comfortable ones. The co-sleeper is expensive, but I feel like safety doesn't have a price tag.
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  • Elizabeth043086Elizabeth043086 member
    Yeah, my husband isn't against co-sleeping altogether, just in the early tiny days it worries him.  The way I look at it, it's easy for our dr's and dh's to say how to do things because it isn't them trying to get nurse all night and get them to lay down alone.  Personally I think it's just really unnatural for babies to sleep alone.  We nicknamed our co-sleeper the bed of nails because apparantely that thing is miserable to our babies. 

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  • kkerner87kkerner87 member
    Well last night was hard. DH of course got to sleep through it because he had work at 6am. He said I could wake him to help, but I couldn't bring myself to do that when I knew I could sleep today while she naps. I could only get her to sleep in it for about 45 min stretches. With thea at 4am feeding, I was so exhausted and fell asleep with her in my arms. Of course DH woke up for work and wanted to put her in the RnP, but I begged him not to. I was so exhausted and did not want her to wake up screaming bloody murder. Ugh. I hop this gets easier.
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  • SarahEmmons330SarahEmmons330 member
    Last night we put LO in the bedside bassinet for sleep (he will nap in it but screams bloody murder at night in it). A friend of mine, who used the same bassinet, recommended using a light blanket to make it cozier but keeping it far enough that he can't grab it. IT WORKED! Other than falling asleep burping him for an hour he spent the whole night in there! I didn't sleep worth a hoot because I was constantly checking on him but he only woke up when he was hungry or he lost his pacifier. Good luck mama!
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  • meggipi5meggipi5 member
    Good to know! 
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  • jrb2015jrb2015 member
    I never co-slept with either of my two kids  nor plan on it with this one for the fact that I am a heavy sleeper. I've fallen asleep bottle feeding baby and man that's scary as hell too! when your head drops and all of a sudden your eyes shoot open! Good luck with whatever you decide!
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    edited September 2015
    Maybe you can make a deal that you will just get through the week and then work on it during the weekend when DH can help? Maybe once he is forced to participate in the soothing and gets a first hand look at what you deal with he may be more open to other options? 

    ETA: I saw that you swaddle arms out but to be honest, I've never understood this.  It gives a more secure feeling but it does almost nothing to deal with an infants moro reflex which is one of the best things about swaddling.  I definitely understand if your LO hates having her arms confined (mine does too!) but he absolutely cannot fall asleep while he is flailing about.  Try one arm out or a SwaddleUp that gives them a bit more freedom while still muffling these movements.  
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