Not sure what to say to my sister...

somethingbluetoo · September 2015

My sister and I were due six days apart. I'm actually due on my other sisters wedding day and she was a few days behind. It was so exciting and crazy to tell each other that we were expecting! Both of us have had trouble getting pregnant in the past and we had taken a 8 month break from trying b/c of a family cruise in January (you can only be 24 weeks or less and baby has to be 6 months or more)... With a family of seven siblings it's a crazy idea! She got pregnant two months after trying again and we got pregnant the first month. I still don't believe it!
Anyways, she called one day to tell me that she thought she was having a miscarriage and so far it seems that she has. I'm so sad - we're best friends and to be pregnant at the same time would be awesome! I'm hoping that she can get pregnant again soon. I have no idea what to say to her! We were going to tell the family all together and now I think I'll just keep it low key and tell them separately and not make it a huge thing. I'm not only more nervous that I'll have a miscarriage but I also don't want to talk about the baby in front of her either to remind her.
Has anyone else been in this situation?

finnybooboo · September 2015

Ugh I'm so sorry to hear that about your sister. I hope she understands and supports you through your pregnancy as I'm sure you would do for her. I'm not in the exact same position, but I know my cousin and her husband have been trying for several months with no luck. She was drinking beer yesterday so I guess that means she's not expecting yet. I'm a little nervous about announcing to them. I don't know my exact due date yet but there is good possibility it may actually be on their anniversary date (May 10th) which, I don't know, just kind of makes it more awkward.

JackieH102 · September 2015

Yes I've been there. My brother and his wife had a lot of trouble. She had to deliver one at 17 weeks, which as you can imagine was horrible for our whole family. That was Oct 2010...I got pregnant with my daughter Jan 2011. They pretended to be happy but were not at all. They had several miscarriages after that; before figuring out she had some kind of clotting problem. They now have a beautiful 2 year old boy, but those couple years were horrible. I sympathized of course, but they pretended like I wasn't pregnant and basically ignored my daughter until my sis-in-law was able to carry a baby full term. Only then did my brother have any interest in my child. It was like their jealousy was too strong...they literally couldn't be around me or they would tear up.

Our relationship is strained even now....I won't forget how they treated me and my baby. Even though I sympathize with what happened to them.

Hopefully you and your sister will make it through this OK. Every sibling relationship is different...good luck!

DanandVan · September 2015

This happened to my sister and me exactly one year ago this month. We found out we were both pregnant and due the same month (May 15), but then I miscarried. I can only speak for myself, but while it did hurt an incredible amount to lose my baby, I was never jealous of or unhappy for my sister. She was very sensitive to me, which was appreciated. She waited for me to ask about her baby before giving me any updates, and told me her sis in law was planning her shower and would understand if I did not attend (I did attend, and asked to help out!). I had small pangs (ok, not so small pangs) holding her brand new baby, but at the same time I was so happy for her and was able to separate my feelings of loss from happy feelings of our family's gain, if that makes sense. I am sorry you have to be on the other side of this. I like your idea of telling family in a low key way. And just be sensitive to her feelings. And don't take it personally if she doesn't come to your shower or even meet baby at the hospital. It could be too hard for some people.

helleebellee · September 2015

My sister lost her baby at 21 weeks, I was 10 weeks behind her, and I was crushed. My sister told me that I shouldn't feel the way I did. There was definite guilt as she will never be able to have more kids. She is still the first person I go to when I find out. She's the only person who knows right now besides my DH. We are still extremely close and she is there for me no matter what. She's been there for me through my 7 losses, and through my 7 successful pregnancies. I really can't imagine how I would have gotten through anything without her. I really think you need to talk with your sister. I, personally, wouldn't be too happy if my sister kept it from me because I miscarried and she didn't. Ask her what it is she needs you to do, if she needs time, if she needs help.

chottomotto · September 2015

A little different, but my best friend and I were due about a week apart and I miscarried. She called to announce her oops baby to get me to talk her into being happy, and I rudely said, "Well I lost my baby today, so please be happy even though you don't even want to be pregnant." Which was the truth but why I couldn't I be nicer about it?

After that, I was very supportive of her pregnancy, threw her baby shower, and helped a lot with her older kids when she delivered. But I honestly had a hard time looking at her new baby for a while. I felt like the world was really unfair, and I don't think I'll be completely over it until I bring this baby home.

I don't know if any of that helped you, but good luck.

alysalovely · September 2015

@chottomotto I don't think what you said was rude, she had no idea but how could you have said it nicer?? it's the truth! plus, it had just happened to you that day!! just an inopportune time for her to call you.

a friend of a friend of mine lost her baby last year when I was pregnant with my first and we were spending time together celebrating our mutual friend's wedding/shower/etc. I didn't talk tons about the baby, and being pregnant, but if people asked me questions I answered them. since she's your sister, you could probably talk to her directly and even ask if she wants to give you a signal if the baby talk becomes too much for her.. then when she gives you that signal, you can change the subject.

chottomotto · September 2015

@alysalovely It's not the way I talk to her. It was unlike me and although she was very understanding, there is a distance between us that wasn't there before.

Jesse835235 · September 2015

My situation isn't entirely the same, but one of my best friends was due one month before me and I lost my baby at 27 weeks. I went to her shower two weeks after I delivered and saw her baby many times in the months following her birth. Like pp's have said, everyone is different with what they are comfortable. I was able to separate my grief for my own loss from my happiness for my friend.

Here is some advice I can share that really helped me. Don't pretend like the loss never happened. Ask you sister how she is doing, if there is anything you can do for her, etc. Maybe ask her if there is something the two of you could do to memorialize her baby (release a few balloons?). Perhaps if you're open with her and tell her that you want to be sensitive to her and ask her how you can best do that.

I feel for your sister, but she is so lucky to have you who certainly sensitive to her feelings. Hopefully she will be supportive of you as well, so you don't feel like you can't be excited in front of your family for your baby.

slimabaso · September 2015

My sister miscarried at 22 weeks this year mid July. I then found out at the end of August that I was pregnant. When those two lines showed up I started crying because I wasn't sure how I'd tell her. I felt like she might think I did it on purpose or something. Stupid I know. Anyways when I eventually did tell her she was so supportive and continues to check up on me regularly and actively takes interest, even comparing symptoms she was having to reassure me. Don't underestimate just how awesome sisters can be

somethingbluetoo · September 2015

Thanks for your input ladies!

linzandjer11 · September 2015

It sounds like you and your sister have a solid relationship. If you are sensitive, without flaunting your pregnancy or complaining about the hard stuff to her, i'm sure that she'll eventually be able to be excoted with you about this pregnancy and baby.

TheThornBird · September 2015

Jesse835235 said:
My situation isn't entirely the same, but one of my best friends was due one month before me and I lost my baby at 27 weeks. I went to her shower two weeks after I delivered and saw her baby many times in the months following her birth. Like pp's have said, everyone is different with what they are comfortable. I was able to separate my grief for my own loss from my happiness for my friend.

Here is some advice I can share that really helped me. Don't pretend like the loss never happened. Ask you sister how she is doing, if there is anything you can do for her, etc. Maybe ask her if there is something the two of you could do to memorialize her baby (release a few balloons?). Perhaps if you're open with her and tell her that you want to be sensitive to her and ask her how you can best do that.

I feel for your sister, but she is so lucky to have you who certainly sensitive to her feelings. Hopefully she will be supportive of you as well, so you don't feel like you can't be excited in front of your family for your baby.

I love this advice. After my miscarriage, I had no one to talk to, hardly anyone asked how I was, and I was dying to do something to memorialize, but my SO had zero interest, so I never did. It would have been so nice to have someone to talk to and do those things with. If you're up for it, that could help her out a lot.

I know for me, I was irrationally angry at every pregnant woman I saw for awhile. I don't know how I would have felt if it was someone close to me; I'm fairly certain I'd be happy for them, but it would still be painful for me. I couldn't visit my BF's family for awhile because they had a baby, and I didn't want to be around him.

So yea, I think if you can help your sister out and be there while she grieves. I know for me, it sucked feeling like everyone but me had forgotten about my baby. If you help her feel like she and her baby won't be forgotten, it may help her out when you break the news to everyone.

I'm so sorry your family is going through this

jerlynnski13 · September 2015

I had the same experience. My older sister and I were pregnant at the same time. My sister announced her pregnancy (2nd child) at 6 weeks about the same time I found out I was pregnant. She was due first week of August and I was due first week of September.

I was 8 weeks when I found out I had miscarried and was devastated. My husband and I were trying since we got married in October 2014 and had one miscarriage prior to that. My sister and I had a strained relationship to begin with so it was difficult for me to speak to her about the baby. I told my mom that I didn't want to hear anything about her pregnancy and the baby til I was ready. My sister was great and followed my wishes.

I felt bad but it took me months to come around and talk to her. I went as far as deleting her from Facebook so I couldn't see any posts. Now that I am pregnant again I do regret that time that I missed out with my sister.

Going through a loss is difficult especially when someone near and dear to you is experiencing the biggest joy of their life. Everyone has their way of coping and I'm sure no matter what your sister will support you. It may not happen right away but it'll happen.

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