Feeling Panicked

clairesmommabear · September 2015

My husband is thinking of divorcing me. We have a beautiful little girl and I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and now he tells me all of this. I don't understand what is going on with him. I do all the cleaning, the cooking, I watch DD all day while he's at work, and I do the budget and make sure all the bills are paid. (This is what he told me he needed earlier in the pregnancy when he had considered leaving as well.) I don't know what else I can do. I can't understand why he feels this way and when I ask him anything his only response is "I don't know." He refuses to even consider marriage counseling, and when I pressed a little bit to just think about it he just yelled "NO!" and stormed out of the room. He went to a friend's house last night and didn't come home until today. Now he won't talk to me and the silence is suffocating. I don't know how I'm supposed to function. I could have this baby any time now and as it stands I don't think I can bear to have him in the room while I am laboring. Not to mention if he doesn't change his mind and make a real commitment to work on our marriage and communicate with me, I don't think I can name my son after him like we were planning. I don't want to have him leave me shattered and then have that name haunt me forever. (Of course I love my son and I would never treat him negatively because of this. I just don't want to be constantly reminded of the pain of this rejection every time I say his name.) I'm panicking because I don't know how I'm supposed to deal with daily life while this bombshell has been dropped on me. I'm already feeling terrible because I can't stop myself from crying throughout the day and my daughter (who is only 2) tries to hug me and make me feel better but then looks terrified when I can't make myself stop the tears. Then we both end up sobbing and holding each other while I apologize over and over to her. She shouldn't feel like she has to take care of me. I'm the one who is supposed to make her feel safe and happy. Right now I just feel like a failure to her. I don't know what to do...and I'm sitting here watching my life shatter before me eyes. I've never felt this hopeless in my life, and beyond that my emotions are so out of control I'm scared I'm going to go into labor early. I've been having crazy amounts of braxton hicks today, as in, more than I have had in either of my pregnancies. I'm trying relaxation techniques my sister told me her counselor has her do during panic attacks but I still feel terrified. I don't know how to do this. My whole future...I've never been able to picture it without my husband. I love him so much...why can't he just love me? Or at least tell me what I can do to make this work???

Sorry for the long rambling post.

cc47033 · September 2015

Oh mama, my heart is breaking for you. I can't believe you have to manage this right now. Do you have a friend or family that can come stay with you? I don't think it's a good idea for him to be around if he's just going to give you the silent treatment.

pinkj4182 · September 2015

I'm sorry your going through this right now. I know it's hard to believe right now that if you do end in divorce that you will be okay. You will make it through this no matter what the outcome. Your husband sounds like he is hiding something or feels guilty about something. You have to do what's best for your babies.
As a child of a broken marriage, staying together for the kids sake is not always the best option. My parents fought everyday and I told my mom she should get a divorce at the age of 6. I was always taking care of her and felt like I had to grow up quickly. She was a mess all the time and I felt like the parent most of the time. Reminding her I had school the next morning, my bedtime was approaching, we needed to get home, etc...
If your husband is unwilling to talk about it and this is the second time he has threatened divorce, you have to ask yourself is it worth it? Do you want divorce over your head all the time? I know you love him and can't see yourself without him, but if he doesn't feel the same about you, doesn't that change things a little? You can move on and be happy, you will make it with or without him. You need to decide what's best for you and your babies. You guys are number one.
I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but it comes from someone who was a child of a marriage that sounds very very similar to yours. I hope it helps. Best of luck to you.

jamielynne1533 · September 2015

Oh my goodness. I got so emotional just reading this. My heart goes out to you. I could not agree more with the above. I don't think it's a good idea for him to be around you right now. Do you have a good support system? Anyone who can come over and help you and support you at this time?

kathyxoxo · September 2015

Please be strong , your beautiful &your kids depend of you , God is with you & i will be praying for you & your family.

tracij12 · September 2015

Let me start by saying I am SO sorry you are having to deal with this. The final weeks of pregnancy are so stressful and no one deserves to have extra stress on top of that. @pinkj4182 offered great perspective. The only thing I would add is please remember this is not your fault. It is not about how well you have delivered on his "needs". The fact that he even felt comfortable putting a list of demands on you (pregnant or not) is very telling of his character.

Please stay strong for your little girl and your LO on the way. They need you to be your best self and as hard as it is to believe, that may just be you without your husband.

Good luck and please reach out if you just need to vent!

midge519 · September 2015

I'm so sorry for you!! I had something similar happen during my pregnancy with my daughter. I fought very hard to keep my marriage together and eventually it ended anyways because I was always trying and he never was. Please sit down with a counselor for yourself. If he won't go with you just do it for you and your children. It will help. My ex refused to see a counselor with me (she even came to our house for the sessions and he'd just leave the house). The counseling helped me realize I needed to love me and be happy with me. You do not deserve this and this is NOT your fault! Maybe have a backup plan for someone else to be your support person. And maybe even think of a different name for your baby if you decide to use it or not come delivery time thats up to you.

bucher1s · September 2015

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Doing chores isn't going to make him love you. You can do this without him I promise. Life's short...find someone who respects you! Xoxo

candicequeen · September 2015

You don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve communication from your spouse. I wish I could do something other than say I wish we could all send a virtual hug. You are a great mama and it's time to focus on your children. I don't know if he would consider but it almost sounds like me may have some clinical depression. Would he go and see a doctor by himself to investigate that?

1stComesLove421 · September 2015

My heart just broke reading that and I feel the tears streaming. Please find a friend or family member you trust that can help make this pain a bit easier to manage. Don't go through this alone.

My prayers are with you, your daughter, and your son.

clairesmommabear · September 2015

candicequeen said:
You don't deserve to be treated this way. You deserve communication from your spouse. I wish I could do something other than say I wish we could all send a virtual hug. You are a great mama and it's time to focus on your children. I don't know if he would consider but it almost sounds like me may have some clinical depression. Would he go and see a doctor by himself to investigate that?

You know...I never even thought about depression. That could be it, and if it is then it at least gives me some kind of basis on how to show him love in the best way for him. To be able to show him how much his family does mean to him. Plus it would certainly explain a lot about his responses. I don't know if there will be any way to convince him to go to a doctor (since he seems to run from any thought of professional help) but I'm sure that at the very least I can look up ways to help him cope just in case he is battling this. Thank you for your input, you just restored some of the hope I had thought was completely gone.

clairesmommabear · September 2015

I just want to thank all of you for being such wonderful support while I'm going through this. It's been such a rough day and your words of encouragement have really helped me get through it. You are all so amazing!

mommav83 · September 2015

Honey, you can't help him cope if he is depressed. He needs to learn how to cope. He needs to learn what works best for him. My first marriage imploded due to depression and alcohol among other things. You can't fix someone who refuses. If he wants to save his marriage the he will though it honestly doesn't sound like he wants to. My ex put all sorts of demands on me that he said would fix us but it was never enough. At some point enough is enough. You can do this. There will be bad days and it will suck and you will cry but there will be great days to. My thoughts are with you and I wish you all the best.

angela_angel · September 2015

Aw, I'm so sorry you are going through this so close to the birth of your child! This is supposed to be a happy time. My heart is breaking for you. My husband left me on our oldest son's second birthday. He bought me out of our home, and I got my son and I a cute little duplex and attempted to start my life over without him. Now, 6 years later we are back together, expecting son #3. That was the hardest thing I have ever gone through (and I've been through a lot). But you can do this Mama, however the situation unfolds. Women are SO strong!!! The things you can do for yourself and for the sake of your children are miraculous! Please find yourself a good support system though, know you are never alone! I realize now that I had my husband on a pedestal, I couldn't imagine life without him, and now I've come to realize that if things don't work out, I'm going to be just fine. I don't NEED a man in my life. I am a kind, strong, loving mother, and so are YOU!!! (Isn't it funny though how selfish men can be- pulling their shit right before the birth of a child, or on a birthday...) Pardon the language. I really hope things work out for you, I'll be thinking of you tons! ((Hugs))

Rikki_5 · September 2015

Sorry you are going through this. OK, sorry if this sounds harsh. But WHY does he not want to work on the marriage? He at least owes you an explanation for his behavior. Does he not care you are both bringing a new life into the world and already have a young child together? Sorry if this will make you worry more, but could he be seeing someone else? That is what I thought of maybe because I'm a skeptic but I can't understand why any man would abandon his pregnant wife and young child unless it is because he is getting some on the side. It's unfair to you and to his family to treat you this way for no reason whatsoever. If it were me I would be doing some detective work on my own.

"Thinking of divorcing you?" I think you should solidify the choice for him and ask him to leave. He is putting unnecessary stress on you. Ask a female relative to be there with you through delivery and tell him you do not want him there. Also, choose a different name. He's being a real ass.

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