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Advice about smokers

baby112615baby112615 member
in November 2015 Moms
Hey guys....I didn't see any postings on the search engine, sorry if this is redundant.

My in laws smoke. They live in an apartment and have been smoking inside the apartment for years. They do not have a balcony. FIL is home all day and smokes cigarettes and pot. MIL works, smokes cigarettes.

I do not want my baby at their apartment. The walls are yellow enough from the smoke and they are not agreeable to smoke only outside. My plan is to tell them that they need to come to our house to see the baby. (We live 40 mins away). I just don't know at what point will allow our child to go over to their house. I know they are going to ask and or argue about it. Sooo... my question is: when is the right/ OK time?

My in laws just don't get it so I'll need to really put my foot down.

Anyone in the same vote? If so, what are you doing? Thanks
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Re: Advice about smokers

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  • lakesideknitterlakesideknitter member
    Thankfully, no one in our family smokes, so I don't have to deal with this. Kudos to you for putting your foot down about not bringing baby into that apartment. I just don't really see why anything would change as the baby gets older. Second-hand smoke is harmful for everyone. You shouldn't be around it while you're pregnant and neither should your developing child. As I said, I don't have personal experience with this, but I really don't think I'd want my child in that environment at all until he or she is capable of making informed decisions. But, then again, I'm super uptight about second-hand smoke. Maybe talk with your pediatrician and/or do some research about when lung development slows down?
    Me: 28, DH: 40
    Married 9/28/13
    DS born 11/12/15
    EDD 8/13/18
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  • baby112615baby112615 member
    To aleecats: I don't think you sound harsh at all! I feel the same. My SO and I had a short talk about the issue a while ago and he sided with his parents. He said that when we grew up our parents smoked around us.....blah blah blah. And I told him the research is out there now and they aren't changing smoking laws for nothing now. Heck, in ontario canada you can't smoke in public parks now and that's outdoors! If I can't get my SO on the same page then his parents will never listen to me. :S

    He also thinks I'm doing this because it's his family but I've already spoken to my dad (who never smokes around me anyway and always smokes outside his house.

    I appreciate your words. I need the support right now
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  • ashleywuliashleywuli member
    I agree with above posters, it is never ok to bring baby over. You are doing what is best for your child's health. If they can't accept that, then they obviously don't understand the risk and problems associated with smoking. Put your foot down, and tell them what the plan is soon. Make sure your husband is on your side.
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  • aleecatsaleecats member
    baby112615 said:

    To aleecats: I don't think you sound harsh at all! I feel the same. My SO and I had a short talk about the issue a while ago and he sided with his parents. He said that when we grew up our parents smoked around us.....blah blah blah. And I told him the research is out there now and they aren't changing smoking laws for nothing now. Heck, in ontario canada you can't smoke in public parks now and that's outdoors! If I can't get my SO on the same page then his parents will never listen to me. :S

    He also thinks I'm doing this because it's his family but I've already spoken to my dad (who never smokes around me anyway and always smokes outside his house.

    I appreciate your words. I need the support right now

    Show him pictures of second hand smokers lungs... Just as gross as smokers lungs, it can be hard when it seems like your singling out his family over yours but that's where compromise comes in. If I had had it my way I wouldn't have allowed my BIL anywhere near LO until he sobered up and got help. But I see how that's unfair... So we met in the middle with all the rules.
    Maybe try meeting him in the middle, they can visit LO at your place or in a public place where they can't smoke (a restaurant, a park, fun activity ect) and they just can't smoke around LO.
    I also second taking him to a pediatrician to speak with them, and idk where you live but in October in (I maybe wrong about this. Idk if it's all states or just a few) the US you can't smoke with a child in the car anymore. There's an article about why they passed that law filled with statistics and negative effects second hand smoking has... I'll try to find it and link it so you can show him
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  • angelinthepit23angelinthepit23 member
    I wouldn't take my baby there either. I grew up with a house of smokers so I won't expose DS to it.
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  • wimamaof2wimamaof2 member
    You're doing the right thing. Your baby's health comes first. If anyone gets upset, well too bad. They should comprehend you're making these decisions to protect your LO and not to upset anyone.
    My mom smokes. Thankfully, outside. We already talked and she's washing her hands, brushing her teeth, and changing her clothes as soon as she's done with her cigarette).
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  • Candy_banditCandy_bandit member
    Do you live in a state where pot is legal? Because if not you are allowing your child to be in the home with illegal drugs being used. I think you need to speak to your so and have him speak to his parents- you and he need to be on the same page with this prior to letting the in laws know the situation.
    Also- even if pot is legal where you are not a chance in hell my child would be sitting in a home where that is going on. I would assume that is a pretty standard position- babies plus adults who are inebriated equals disaster.
    I don't understand why anyone would not see that logic.
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  • baby112615baby112615 member
    jamielynn3280090808 said:

    Do you live in a state where pot is legal? Because if not you are allowing your child to be in the home with illegal drugs being used. I think you need to speak to your so and have him speak to his parents- you and he need to be on the same page with this prior to letting the in laws know the situation.
    Also- even if pot is legal where you are not a chance in hell my child would be sitting in a home where that is going on. I would assume that is a pretty standard position- babies plus adults who are inebriated equals disaster.
    I don't understand why anyone would not see that logic.

    No, it's not legal. I don't want my child around them period but I can't keep them away so I will be allowing them to come to my house which is smoke free. Their are HUGE family dynamic issues in his family on top of the smoking issues . I won't give up but I feel like I'm labeled as the bad guy in all of this even though I'm doing what I truly believe is best for my child. You would think his parents would admire me wanting to keep baby safe. They have options to quit and or smoke outside their apartment but they won't so I think they shows their stance. How sad.
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  • semulcahysemulcahy member
    I totally get your frustration! I quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant, but my SO still is (even after telling me he'd quit, but that's a whole other story -.-) I think asking your doc/midwife to talk to him about the negative effects it will have on your LO is a great idea! I think you should also remind him that it is HIS responsibility, as well as yours, to keep your baby healthy. Good luck!
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  • helsbels222helsbels222 member
    It's a great thing that you are putting your foot down from the start. Personally, I don't think it would ever be a good time to bring the baby over there. You are definitely making the right decision!!
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  • mistycraymistycray member
    edited September 2015
    My daughter is 11 and STILL hasn't been inside of her grandparents house because they smoke.
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  • KeHill08KeHill08 member
    I agree with PPs- it's never the right time to allow a child to be in that kind of environment. Second hand smoke is terrible for a person's health, and now studies are showing that third hand smoke has an effect. If someone is around third hand smoke enough there are changes in the proteins in their hair that can be found. Crazy right?! That's why I won't let anyone who smokes hold our baby unless they scrub their hands and arms, pull their hair back, change their shirt (or at least put something on over theirs that isn't smoke filled), blanket over their pants... the whole nine yards. Sounds extreme, but it's in my baby's best interest. Also, no kissing my baby if they're a smoker... really I prefer people don't in general because I find it weird if others do but that's another subject!
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  • makeoutside7makeoutside7 member
    I don't think you should even have to explain yourself. I also quit smoking when I found out I was pregnant and told my husband that if he smokes in his car, our daughter will never ride in it. We have never smoked inside but I don't even want her to be exposed to it. I would just let your in laws know that if they want to see the baby for them to come over to your place.

      FTM due 11/06/2015
    Married 09/21/2013
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  • rachschollrachscholl member
    Ask your OB or pedi to speak to your SO! Not in exact same boat, but I'm not allowing my Hubby's uncle who smokes to hold our LO without changing his shirt. I know we sound crazy to others, but research is on our side and I'm ok if they want to judge me! The answer is no, you cannot be smoking, wearing smokey clothing or be in a smoke filled apt with my children. Stand by your beliefs girl!
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  • violetigerlilyvioletigerlily member
    ash413 said:
    baby112615 said:
    To aleecats: I don't think you sound harsh at all! I feel the same. My SO and I had a short talk about the issue a while ago and he sided with his parents. He said that when we grew up our parents smoked around us.....blah blah blah. And I told him the research is out there now and they aren't changing smoking laws for nothing now. Heck, in ontario canada you can't smoke in public parks now and that's outdoors! If I can't get my SO on the same page then his parents will never listen to me. :S He also thinks I'm doing this because it's his family but I've already spoken to my dad (who never smokes around me anyway and always smokes outside his house. I appreciate your words. I need the support right now
    That is unfortunate that your SO is not on board with you. My in laws also smoke, and we have said that our son will not go over there. In addition they cannot smoke on days that they are seeing him, if we smell smoke on them, they don't get to hold him. The risk is just to great. There are multiple chemicals in second and third hand smoke such and cyanide, and benzo(a) pyrene. Several of these chemicals bind at the same location on a red blood cell that oxygen does, decreasing the amount of oxygen the body is able to transport. In addition children's brains, particularly infants, are developing so quickly and are therefore much more sensitive to the effects of toxins. IT increases the risk of SIDS and other cardiac/ respiratory issues. It is a sucky situation, but my job is to protect my LO, even if that makes me the bad guy. I told my FIL that I am not keeping him away from his grandson, he is when he decides that a smoking is more important that seeing his grandson that day. 
    The bolded part really resonated with me. I fortunately do not have any smokers in my close family but for this and other boundary setting issues, it might be important to try to put things in perspective this way. In your case they obviously can't change their living situation but they can chose whether or not to come to your place or a safe place near their home and refrain from smoking around the baby.  Good luck! 
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  • amwright33amwright33 member
    My real father smokes and I'm really nervous about him holding my daughter. What's the nicest way to put my fears into words without a fight? He is already mad that I want a week of healing and bonding time before visitors. He was heated and threatened to camp on our porch til we let him in. My husband took care of that quickly.

    Im going to have him do the suggestions above. Wash hands and arms, change shirt, smoke outside ( which he does now). He lives in California and I in Tennessee so he won't be here often. It's the kissing that concerns me most. There is going to be nicotine on his lips and I don't want that absorbed in her skin. Did anyone have someone agree and then refuse once they were over to see the baby. How did you handle it?
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  • oooonerooooner member
    Sigh, this is a tough one. You are absolutely doing the right thing by putting your foot down hard. Don't feel like the bad guy because you are not in any way whatsoever. More than that, though, try not to let it get to you personally that these people in your life aren't giving up their cigs just yet. Despite the fact that smoking cigarettes is legal, it is an addiction, plain and simple. No matter how much it makes sense logically to quit to an addict, especially for a new baby, the brain in active addiction doesn't function properly and will not allow the person to think straight. In my experience, no amount of pictures of smokers' lungs nor commercials about amputation nor a stern talking-to by a doctor is going to change an addict's mind about using. Unfortunately the only way an addict will stop his or her drug of choice is if he or she really, truly wants to stop. Until then, as sad as it sounds, you're wasting your breath.

    The majority of my life I've been a non-smoker but I started smoking due to high stress (that's not an excuse, just the reason) right after my 30th birthday. I smoked on and off for a little over a year, but I quit cigs as a New Year's resolution at the beginning of 2015 and used a vaporizer to taper down the nicotine. Well come early March, I'm still vaping when I received the shock of my life... surprise, I'm pregnant! I quit vaping all together a few days later and have been a non-smoker again ever since. My future hubby and baby daddy still smokes, though, which is a bummer. He did smoke inside but we moved shortly after finding out about the pregnancy and he is not allowed to smoke indoors now... no one for that matter is allowed to smoke in my house! My mother was smoking, too, and luckily enough for me she quit cold turkey after I did due to wanting the best for her grandchild. I love my mother so much, she is the most selfless person I know, but it's still a rarity for someone in active addiction to be able to quit like that for reasons outside of wanting it for his or her self. My mother is an amazing woman and I am very lucky.

    I sincerely hope those around you come to their senses about smoking. Keep that hard line up and don't budge!!
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  • TacoSarahTacoSarah member
    edited September 2015

    If it were me in this situation I would never let my child go there. And I would ask them to not come to my house smelling of smoke either. Second hand smoke is a risk for SIDS.

    In this situation I would rather seriously offend them and take the hit than risk my baby's life. 

    Just an FYI - The UK is making it illegal as of 1st October to smoke in your car when a child is in it. If you are caught smoking you will be taken to court and prosecuted. I know you don't live in the UK, but you could use this as an example of how other countries recognise the harmful effects of smoking around minors and are taking steps to protect them.

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  • ash413ash413 member
    TacoSarah said:

    If it were me in this situation I would never let my child go there. And I would ask them to not come to my house smelling of smoke either. Second hand smoke is a risk for SIDS.

    In this situation I would rather seriously offend them and take the hit than risk my baby's life. 

    Just an FYI - The UK is making it illegal as of 1st October to smoke in your car when a child is in it. If you are caught smoking you will be taken to court and prosecuted. I know you don't live in the UK, but you could use this as an example of how other countries recognise the harmful effects of smoking around minors and are taking steps to protect them.

    There are several states in the US that are also making it illegal to smoke in a car with children.
            
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  • geologynerdgeologynerd member
    My mother smokes and my father does not. I've told them that at my house there is no smoking inside, clothes will be changed and hands washed. I said that since they've smoked in their car the baby won't be going in their vehicle and if they choose to smoke in their home we won't be visiting them there.
    Know what I got in return? The following two obsurd comments "I smoked when I was pregnant and when you kids were growing up and you turned out fine" followed by "you just want to keep my grandchild away from me"
    They're moving out west to where we are and we are letting them stay with us as a trial. Theyve been warned that the rules for baby apply and if they smoke in our house then they will be asked to leave. What they don't know is if I can't trust them not to smoke around babe then how can I trust my baby with them.
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  • baby112615baby112615 member
    geologynerd said:

    My mother smokes and my father does not. I've told them that at my house there is no smoking inside, clothes will be changed and hands washed. I said that since they've smoked in their car the baby won't be going in their vehicle and if they choose to smoke in their home we won't be visiting them there.
    Know what I got in return? The following two obsurd comments "I smoked when I was pregnant and when you kids were growing up and you turned out fine" followed by "you just want to keep my grandchild away from me"
    They're moving out west to where we are and we are letting them stay with us as a trial. Theyve been warned that the rules for baby apply and if they smoke in our house then they will be asked to leave. What they don't know is if I can't trust them not to smoke around babe then how can I trust my baby with them.

    That's what my SO said!!!! He said "well my parents smoked around me when I was a kid and I turned out fine". I said yes so did my parents but now the research is out and it's even more harmful than originally thought. My mom quit and my dad smokes only outside.

    This past weekend my MIL told me at the baby shower that her sister has two pack and go play pens and said "take one to your mom's and I'll keep one for when baby comes to our place" I wanted to say it right then and there that no the baby will not be going to your house but I felt it wasn't an appropriate time during the shower and I want my SO on the same page first so we ca all have this conversation together.

    Sighs..... his parents are awkward already and I have other serious issues with them. This is just half the problem and talking to people like my in laws....they won't get it.
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  • WeirdAliceWeirdAlice member
    edited September 2015
    You might look up smoking laws in your state and print a copy out with highlighted points that you find important.

    I know by next month (I think it is, I still have to look it up again so I may not be correct, this is just last I heard.) here it will be iillegal to smoke in the car with a child under the age of 18 and they are trying to make it illegal to smoke in the house with a child under the age of 18.

    I already told my mother and grandmother that it will not be an option for them once these laws pass, I won't risk losing my children over their bad habits.
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  • baby112615baby112615 member
    I'm pretty sure where I live (ontario canada) it is already illegal to smoke in a car with a child.
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  • baby112615baby112615 member
    Well I told my hubby that I didn't feel comfortable going to his parents place this Sunday and he said fine I'll go alone.

    He totally doesn't get it. I am going to be the topic of discussion I'm sure...yayyyy
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  • JennsouleJennsoule member
    I wasn't going to post but I think you may need to look at this differently. By no means does your family need to smoke around your baby but the reality is you probably shouldn't just be this overly worried about cigarette smoking. Everyday we are bombarded with chemicals in our own homes that are more deadly then second hand smoke. Air fresheners, scented wax, non stick cooking spray, I could go on and on with things that are worse. Everyone who has a child near a smoker by all means don't let them smoke with the baby in their hands, a vehicle, or in the house would be great. But remember your dealing with people that raised you or your so. You didn't die you're not maimed it's not the end of the world.
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  • BowWowBowieBowWowBowie member
    I'm not totally convinced that scented wax is more deadly than secondhand smoke. Maybe all of those if you were a bird, but as a human, I just don't see it. 

    I think she's fine in how she feels. If she doesn't want her child around secondhand smoke, then that is how she feels and it should be respected. Period. No matter if it's in-laws or not. 
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