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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
desertheart
member
What is it Really Like to Work & Have an Infant??
desertheart
member
I need some momma advice about what it's like to work and have an infant. My husband wants me to go back to work after my maternity leave. My gut is telling me otherwise. I've crunched the numbers, and we could totally do it. We would just have to cut back on "fun" spending, which doesn't bother me at all. I think my husband is worried about loosing that luxury. By the way, he's a terrible communicator.
He has spent zero time around younger kids and babies. I worked for years as a nanny and in childcare centers and even children shelters. I just think he's idealistic about how much care a newborn requires.
This is not a job I love. It's not even in my field. I like it, but mostly because it's the best opportunity I could find in the city where we moved to for his career. I'm grossly underpaid, and daycare would take just over half my take-home salary. Most of the women I work with have friends or family who care for their children, and we don't have that option here. We dealt with infertility for almost five years. This is a baby I was told that I would not have. I think all these reasons is why my heart is not into going back.
I feel by the time we pick up baby from daycare, drive home, make dinner, feed baby, breast pump for the next day, etc. that the evening will be over. I know what will happen with the "fun" money....my husband will get to enjoy it. Not because he wouldn't take care of baby while I had time away, but because I will be exhausted all the time and not want to do anything. I am a super light sleeper. Even if our baby is a good sleeper, I will be awake at every sound the baby makes, which is probably going to make doing my job well a struggle. My husband could sleep through anything, and I really don't see that changing.
I really would love a momma's perspective. One of my good friends back home told me that she highly recommended staying at home the first year or so. She said it's a sacrifice that she doesn't regret. I know that this is a personal decision that I need to have a deeper conversation with my husband about. However, I'd like to go into that discussion with information.
Re: What is it Really Like to Work & Have an Infant??
Have a serious talk with your husband and see what he thinks. He should agree because the last thing you want is to build resentment. Good luck and enjoy your new baby.
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When I did go back though I actually really liked the balance. Pumping absolutely sucks, but it's only for 9 more months max depending on my freezer stash. And daycare brings a lot of benefits like socializing her with other kids early and getting her used to other caregivers so that she won't have separation anxiety when I'm not around.
I will caution though that if your husband has no intention of helping with the baby it will be very difficult. We have it worked out where dh takes mornings (from when she wakes up until dropping her off) and I take evenings (pick her up until bedtime). I don't think I'd be happy covering both those times and still working. After she goes to bed I gave an hour of bottle cleaning and prep to deal with on weeknights. We have time for fun on weekends but are homebodies anyway so we basically just snuggle with her and do chores. We have a maid come every other week bc I don't want to give up time with DD to clean the house (perk of having two incomes).
Only you can make the decision, but you and your husband need to agree "terrible communicator" or not. He might have legitimate reasons other than "fun money" for wanting you to go back. It's stressful to be the only wage earner for a lot of people. Good luck with your decision.
All of this. I could never stay home full time, especially with a baby. BORING. I need my adult time, I enjoy working and like everything else, you find a balance and make it all work.
I totally agree with talking to your husband. You have to communicate and do it now because things will be even harder when the baby comes.
If I had the choice with all of the factors you mentioned, I would 100% hands down stay home with my baby, especially if since you had trouble conceiving. I only had 10 weeks with him at home and I’m still very sad about that. Daycare costs are astronomical where I live, but it is still not financially feasible for me to stay home. If you are worried about boredom, there are lots of “mommy and me” type activities where you can meet other mamas and you can always go back to work if you decide that staying home isn’t the right fit for you. I think you should make a list of pros and cons and show it to your husband and ask if he has any others to add. In the end, it should definitely be a choice you make together.
OP all of this could change once the baby is here too. You might have years of experience working with kids but NOTHING and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for life full time with a baby until you have your own.
For me personally, I like having extra money from both my husband and I working. We have cleaners come, gardeners, I can buy all the cute clothes I want for my kids, we go to the zoo, out to dinner, etc. For me, that extra money comes in really handy.
In the end you have to do what you feel in your gut.
Most things like that fall on mom anyways, no matter what you do to prevent it! Moms generally do more work but yes, his life will change big time too!
To be fair...DH does offer to assist with bottle prep, but by the time I explain my complicated system of when she gets fresh milk and when she gets frozen, and which milk needs to be consumed by which date...it just makes more sense for me to handle bottles myself! And in a few months, i'll be making her solid food too! But to his credit, DH will often times make dinner for both of us while I am dealing with DD's bedtime routine and the subsequent bottle organization once she is down for the night. :-)
If you are really wanting to cloth diaper, you might need to stay home honestly...we visited several five star daycares, and every single one of them would only do disposable diapers. I was planning to do disposables anyway, but just FYI - unless you're planning to get a nanny, it will be hard to find a daycare that will cloth diaper for you. A small in-house daycare would probably be your best chance of finding someone to do that.
I will also caution that if you are not working, you probably should plan to not have any time to yourself, which for me during maternity leave was unbearable. For example, while right now our childcare is split 50/50 during the week with DH on mornings and me on evenings, while I was home it was expected that I take the baby basically 23 out of 24 hours a day. And that other hour was when DH got home from work, so that I could take a shower (and a lot of nights make us dinner). I had very little time to work out or do anything else that was important to me but wasn't directly related to the baby. Now that we're both working, it's understood that we both should have equal time to ourselves - part of which is spent on our individual housework allotment, and the other part can be used for working out, hobbies, etc.
At the end of my leave I really REALLY wanted to stay home, I was in tears about leaving her, but once I went back to work I realized what I really wanted was to just hang out with DD all day. I didn't want to be 100% responsible for housework, I didn't want to have to give up the time I take to work out daily, or get my nails done every other week, or go out with my friends. And actually after my first day of work, i was so happy to be hanging out with adults all day it really flew by. My daughter is super high needs...even now at 3 months i can barely put her down for more than 15 minutes without her absolutely losing it, so i had very little time to myself OR to get anything productive done around the house when i was home with her all day. As much as you love your kid, it's not rainbows and butterflies being home with her all day every day. Especially when your working spouse can use that as an excuse to be lazy about helping you out. And FWIW, DH got SO MUCH BETTER with her once he started having to take her on his own in the mornings. they've really bonded these last couple of weeks, and it's awesome. Working isn't all bad. Plus the money is nice, to be able to provide my kids with the luxuries that i had growing up (frequent vacations, private college education if they want it, etc) is important to me too.
weigh your options, but this has to be a joint decision between you and your husband. my husband would have supported me staying home, but I'm happy that i decided not to. we are going to reassess if/when we have a second child in the future.
@delujm0 very well said. You covered a lot. Many new moms think they will have a lot of time for hobbies or to "work from home" when you have a baby but that is nearly impossible IMO. A baby needs something all the time. And if you are lucky enough to get them to sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time, you want to nap yourself or shower or do housework. It's a never ending cycle.
ETA and I agree about it being easier to just do most things yourself. That's why moms end up doing so much more...we are more anal about the things that our kids need!
Yikes. You really are jumping the gun!