Please tell me I'm not alone

chelseajeanene · September 2015

First I would like to start this out by saying I do have an appointment in a few hours to talk to my doctor about PPD

this has hit me like a ton of bricks. I've had constant struggle thrown at me since my labor turning into something very traumatic. It's been never ending since. I mentally can't take anymore and I feel like I'm going to jump out of my own skin. I spent the entire day crying and not just a few tears here and there..I hysterically cried the entire day. I feel like my connection to my son is being lost because of how I'm feeling. It's hard for me to even say this because I would never act on it, but anytime I pick up my phone or a drink or anything an imagine of me just hitting my poor innocent child pops in my head and causes me to cry 10x harder. Why would my brain do this? Why would I ever want to hurt the one thing I love the most? Its sick. When I look at my baby I don't get as happy as I once did. Is this gone forever? I hate that my brain is doing this to me. Please someone who has been through this tell me how this ends...

eajanvrin · September 2015

Hugs Mama! You have had a lot going on. I am glad to hear you have an appt with your doctor. Is there anyone who can come over for a bit and give you some rest?

mrscheetah · September 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this

It sounds like you're taking the right steps to take care of yourself, though. Remember that you've been through a huge, traumatic event-as a fellow c section mama, I can tell you I had NO IDEA the recovery would be this difficult! We're all here for you :x

str13 · September 2015

Just because those thoughts go through your head does NOT mean you want to act on them. It's not your mind telling you that you want to hurt baby. You're a wonderful mom! That's why you're reaching out and going to your doctor.
I do want to encourage you to be completely open with your health care team. I struggled with PPD after my first, and PPD with psychotic features and OCD after my middle girl. I didn't want to tell the truth, but by the time DD2 came along my therapist knew me well and knew when I was holding back! Thank goodness. I was afraid to tell the truth because I was afraid that they would take my daughters from me. My therapist assured me that wasn't happening, but that I HAD to start feeling better. For myself and for my girls.
I know how it feels to be so afraid it hurts to breath. But it does get better. Medicine helped, but more than anything having that safe place I could go to say the things no one else would quite understand.
My OB gave me a prescription to wean myself off of. That wasn't going to do the trick. So I called and got an appointment with a therapist at an office that had a psychiatrist in case I needed meds.
I'm so proud of you for getting the help you need! That's so strong and loving (loving to yourself and baby!).
Please call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room if you ever do want to act on those thoughts. Or if you ever hear anyone telling you to hurt yourself or baby.
**sorry I know that part sounds a little intense, but I couldn't leave it off!**
Sending love and positive vibes your way.

nbuzard · September 2015

You're not alone. I've been going through struggles myself. I've been through this twice before, I promise it gets better!! *hugs*

PregNancyClark · September 2015

Right now you're inside of it and it seems bigger than you. You WILL get out of it and it will seem smaller. You're doing the right thing asking for help AND talking to your fellow mamas about it. I don't know you but I feel like I do. I wish I could give you a big hug.

PregNancyClark · September 2015

One thing I've learned is that my voice is more powerful than my mind. Speak truth to yourself. Try this- "this will pass. I will get through this. I do love my baby. I am a good mom." And get some attention ASAP because you don't deserve to feel this way. It's just a brain chemical/hormone malfunction. It's not your fault. Xoxoxox

chelseajeanene · September 2015

eajanvrin said:
Hugs Mama! You have had a lot going on. I am glad to hear you have an appt with your doctor. Is there anyone who can come over for a bit and give you some rest?

My husband has been a life saver and has completely stepped up and done everything for me. He lets me sleep and let's me cry when I need it

chelseajeanene · September 2015

Thank you so much ladies, it's encouraging to hear that others have gone through this too. It just sickens me that my mind could have such terrible things pop into it that should never happen. I just left my family doctor and I was put back on depression/anxiety medication that I've successfully used in the past. I've already taken my first dose of it so it makes me feel a little better that I know it will eventually help me out. They're also having me meet they're psychiatric doctor within the next couple days. I'm not excited to do that but I know it will help. My mother pointed out how hard this past year has been for me and I didn't think how bad it could effect me. I found out my grandfather was dying of cancer, so I planned my wedding in 3 months to have him walk me down the isle. 6 weeks after my wedding my best friend died, 4 weeks after that my grandfather died, I then got pregnant and had a pretty tough pregnancy that ended in emergency surgery, breastfeeding didn't work and then mastitis and then mistakenly prescribed an overdose of medication for that. I've been through hell and now it's time to fix myself. I just need to get back to being happy to see my little boy :'(

tlc11934 · September 2015

@chelseajeanene I'm not a mental health professional, but it sounds to me like you have some symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I suffered from this after dd2 was born because my father died unexpectedly when she was 8 weeks old. I began having panic attacks (thought it was a heart attack) and had similar thoughts to what you described. I stopped trying to nurse/pump and wouldn't hold my baby for one week out of fear. A good therapist and some medication later I was back on track. After 4 months of meds I weaned off and felt myself again.

You're taking the right steps to get better. You're not alone in this struggle, please know that. Hugs!

jennsuzanne87 · September 2015

It sounds like a bit of ocd going on. I have clinical ocd and its come back since giving birth. I too had an emergency c section so I understand that bit. Those thoughts are just chemical mis firings and you're not intending to think of them. Just remind yourself of that- its biological due to stress and not indicative of how you feel. I get those thoughts too and will be talking about going back on megicine with my ob too. Don't worry you're strong! You got this! When the thoughts come to you don't entertain them. Your brain will stop doing this.

rebeccabloomwood · September 2015

Just the fact that you know those thoughts are outside of normal and you need to reach out to someone makes you a step ahead. You're doing a great job and keep having these curve balls thrown at you. Keep your head up, I promise you this will pass and the days that seemed like weeks will be a distant memory.

chelseajeanene · September 2015

For those of you who started medications, about how long until you started to feel less overwhelmed? I know till take a few weeks to fully feel better but I'm really hoping I feel better a lot sooner

tlc11934 · September 2015

In my experience, milder meds like lexapro took about 1-2 weeks. I took Xanax for my PTSD and it was within 20 minutes. I don't recommend it daily though as I felt like a zombie

chelseajeanene · September 2015

tlc11934 said:
In my experience, milder meds like lexapro took about 1-2 weeks. I took Xanax for my PTSD and it was within 20 minutes. I don't recommend it daily though as I felt like a zombie

What dose of Xanax were you given? I have the .5 and it definitely takes the edge of quickly, but always makes me nap. I used to cut them in half when I needed them in the past. But I do have the lexapro as well

str13 · September 2015

I took Wellbutrin and it seemed to take a couple weeks. After starting Prozac I could tell in just a few days that I was starting to feel better.

Elecin · September 2015

Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you!

Definitely don't be so hard on yourself.

Keep talking to your doctor, talk to us, talk to everyone! You'll get through this and it will be a distant memory.

Good luck, mama!

tlc11934 · September 2015

chelseajeanene said:

tlc11934 said:
In my experience, milder meds like lexapro took about 1-2 weeks. I took Xanax for my PTSD and it was within 20 minutes. I don't recommend it daily though as I felt like a zombie
What dose of Xanax were you given? I have the .5 and it definitely takes the edge of quickly, but always makes me nap. I used to cut them in half when I needed them in the past. But I do have the lexapro as well

@chelseajeanene I took .5mg as well, except it was prescribed for daily use. From what I've heard, irregular use is fine and helps take the edge off. For my regular use , I experienced memory loss and went through withdrawal coming off of it. Lexapro worked for me in the past but this past time around I was too anxious to wait 2 weeks for it's effects to kick in .

Want a personalized experience?

Please tell me I'm not alone

Re: Please tell me I'm not alone

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Want a personalized experience?

Please tell me I'm not alone

Re: Please tell me I&#039;m not alone

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Please tell me I'm not alone