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September 2015 Moms
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Nurses & Lacation Consulatant Guilt

mdk2015mdk2015 member
in September 2015 Moms
If anyone else would be posting this I'd say "you're not a failure, you're doing great & be kind to yourself."

HOWEVER! I've met with a lactation consultant once while in the hospital & twice since at the pediatricians office and it seems like I'm never breastfeeding "good enough". I have supplemented here and there with formula because my supply just cant keep up. The more I try the less I have time to properly eat & stay hydrated which I know is making things worse. Theres just not enough time for me before shes ready to eat again. The lactation consultant has made me feel like I have nursing homework & that makes me want to supplement even more because baby isnt gaining weight very fast with me breastfeeding & pumping. People have gotten so far into my head I feel like giving her formula is poison & crap(which I think formula is perfectly fine-in my right mind). I feel like if I cant continue to breastfeed I will be failing myself, baby, and every one that is pro boob in my family. It's wearing me out physically and emotionally. I begged my husband last night to just let me drive to the mailbox & get away for a few minutes last night. I've been so sleep deprived & stressed about this Im ready to change something up! I wish I could shake this guilt!! Anyone have any insight/advice?
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Re: Nurses & Lacation Consulatant Guilt

  • WDDCHWDDCH member
    Saw this yesterday and it may help: https://kellymom.com/bf/normal/weight-gain/

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  • AndieTessieAndieTessie member
    Can you switch LC? The first one I saw made me feel like a terrible mother on day 2 because we were having latch issues. I switched and the new LC actually has me adding in a little formula. We BF, pump then feed, then she gets 1/2 oz formula on top of that about 2xs a day to help get her weight up and bowel movements. BF is hard and so time consuming, and it really does put so much pressure on mom. Baby girl had her two week checkup today and she's still an oz behind her birth weight and they made the comment that they aren't too worried because they do think I'm feeding her. Really? Of course I'm feeding her.
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  • Bat_Ish_CrazyBat_Ish_Crazy member
    Breastfeeding didn't work for me with DD1. I have inverted nipples, and she has a high arched pallet. I thought I just wasn't trying hard enough, and it was destroying my confidence as her mother.

    I started pumping exclusively because it saved me time over trying to breastfeed and then still having to pump. I was able to build a great supply, take better care of myself, and focus on all the other challenges of parenting.

    If you CAN breastfeed, exclusively pumping is more time consuming. But if you CAN'T breastfeed, it can be an awesome alternative.

    I'm having the same latch issues with DD2 now. This time her pallet is fine, but my breasts are much larger, and the nipples are still inverted. I am exclusively pumping until DD's mouth is a little bigger. We will practice from time to time until we can make it work or until it's clear it won't. Until then, I'm still providing what she needs.

    Supplementing with or switching to formula is also perfectly acceptable. Baby needs healthy food, yes. But baby also needs a healthy mom. Take care of yourself.

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  • mdk2015mdk2015 member
    Last visit we were at her birth weight & they didnt seem too happy with me. We had a trip to the ER because her breathing became labored and her little chest was doing weird things & I freaked out.

    It stressed out hubby & he started questioning his abilities to be a good father. What if it was serious, what if this what if that... turns out everything was fine and they gave me the first time mom sticker & sent us home. That night (2 nights ago) hubs started having flashbacks of peeking over the curatin during my csection, then flashbacks of Iraq & Afghanistan. He came home drunk begging me for a divorce because he doesnt deserve baby, myself or everything we've worked for. Hodgies were coming the whole bit. He doesnt want his daughter to think less of him for his PTSD & TBI, and prays that none of her school research papers are on PTSD or TBI. So my supply has dwindled the past 2 days and Im sure its stress. I feel like Im drowning because I cant catch up on sleep and that whole deal has left a bit of a mark on me. I spoke to my OB & LC Tuesday (this all happened Monday night). They both just said husband needs to talk with someone. Yes I agree & so does he.. but it affects me too!!

    Its heartbreaking when hour husband looks at you hysterically repeats "I just want to go home, I'm not home yet. Don't let them get me." At that point the last thing you want and can do is breast feed. So I grabbed a ready made formula bottle and got us through a couple feedings plus what I pumped. Im rambling, just so overwhelmed!
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  • mdk2015mdk2015 member
    @Baker1jm2 yes! By the time the process is over its time to start again. The LC recommended I pump after she eats to imcrease my supply but it just hasnt happened yet. Im still trying! All I can do is my best. Venting helps sooo soo much. Thanks ladies!!
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  • missliz53missliz53 member
    I went through something similar a couple of weeks ago. I have inverted nipples, and DD was having a hard time latching and when she did latch, wasn't able to suckle efficiently. BF was so stressful. We were using a nipple shield and then supplementing with pumped milk and formula. I went to a lactation consultant and when I left, I felt like such a failure.

    It's funny because up until she was born, I wasn't attached to the idea of breast feeding anyways, but after the hormones kicked in, it became really important.

    I talked to the pediatrician, who told me that some kids just aren't good breast feeders. She said one of her babies was like that. She also reminded me that being able to successfully breast feed isn't a life or death situation in the US. At that point I made the decision to ep and bottle feed. Yes, it's time consuming, but it's so much less stressful, and I am really enjoying bottle feeding. I cuddle with her and talk to her and she looks at my face with that intense baby stare. I feel like I am bonding better with her because I'm not stressed out anymore.

    And this means that DH can also feed her which gives me a break when he's home from work and freedom to take a little time for myself.
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  • ElleMF728ElleMF728 member
    baker1jm2 said:
    Do whatever works for you and don't worry what anyone else says. You also need to be happy in order to be a good mom so if you're constantly stressed out it's not worth it. Formula fed babys turn out just fine, my sister and I never had a drop of breast milk and we were 2 of the healthiest kids. I think people put WAY too much pressure on mom's to bf. While my supply has been enough so far (I'm pumping and doing mostly bottles) it is sooooo time consuming I can't imagine being able to keep up when I go back to work in 4 weeks. By the time I feed her a bottle, pump, burp, change her and wash the pump parts it's almost time to start the process over again
    I don't want to thread jack but you can just rinse out your pump parts and put them in the fridge for next time.  I use mine for 24 hours before I use a different set and wash them.  It has been a huge time saver for me and really cut down on my washing.  

    OP don't let anyone make you feel badly about how you choose to feed your child.  It is no ones business if you BF, EP, FF or supplement.  If anyone feels the need to insert themselves in your feeding relationship inform them that if they are so determined that YOU breastfeed than they can help by bringing meals, cleaning the house, babysitting while you rest etc.  In other words, put up or shut up.  

    I'm sorry your DH is dealing with these issues, it must be a lot to handle on top of caring for a newborn.  Does he see a counselor or another professional who can help him better integrate into family life? My first instinct in a typical relationship is that your husband should be supporting you more but perhaps he is not in a state to be able to effectively do that at this time.  Is there someone else in your life that you can depend on? Is there anyway you guys can swing for a mother's helper or nanny who can come and spend time around the house with you? I wish you the best, some of these struggles can feel really isolating and I'm sure dealing with a PTSD sufferer only makes it more difficult.  
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  • CEW225CEW225 member
    I'm so sorry you are dealing with all if this. I, too, am struggling with BFing. It's so stressful not to know how much baby is getting. I am having to supplement due to her losing almost a pound after birth. Hospital nurses suggested it at her weight check and her pediatrician wants me to since she had not gained any more at her 2 week appt yesterday. LC said her latch was good and that everything seemed to be going fine and wasn't keen on my supplementing because I might lose my supply. I'm so confused about everything.

    Husband wants me to BF because that's what I wanted to do originally, but my mom wants me to switch I think. I was formula fed and turned out fine. I'm apparently way more attached to the idea of BFing than I thought amd, now that I have started supplementing, I feel as though my breastfeeding days may be numbered. Part of me wants to switch to formula so maybe my stress level will drop, but my heart still wants to BF with the supplement. I keep gerring the "Do what's best for you and your baby", which is great advice because everybody is different, but, at this point, I have no idea what that is.

    I am also sorry about your husband. I couldn't imagine having to deal with his emotions on top of all I'm feeling about breastfeeding. Enlisting the help of someone around the house would probably be a huge help, if that's possible. I will be thinking about you!
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  • meggipi5meggipi5 member
    When I struggled with breast feeding, I used to look at this link all the time for encouragement. It's nice to know that however long you are able to breast feed, there is benefit for the baby, even if it's only a short while.


    There's too much mommy guilt out there and pressure to breastfeed. Do what works for you. If mama's happy and the baby is healthy, that's all that's important!
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  • Yiggle09Yiggle09 member
    meggipi5 said:

    When I struggled with breast feeding, I used to look at this link all the time for encouragement. It's nice to know that however long you are able to breast feed, there is benefit for the baby, even if it's only a short while.



    There's too much mommy guilt out there and pressure to breastfeed. Do what works for you. If mama's happy and the baby is healthy, that's all that's important!
    I wish I has this 3 weeks ago bit so glad I read it now. It really put my doubts at ease thank you
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  • maiatenemaiatene member
    You have to do what's right for you and your baby, and being stressed out is not the way to go. It funny because when most people speak about breastfeeding they make it seem like some magical thing that every Mum can do when in reality it it work! That said you have to take care of yourself. I would get so caught up in everything I would forget to eat so my mum would call me from Florida to remind me. It doesn't have to be a feast but it should be nutritious: oatmeal for breakfast, hearty soup and sandwich for lunch and tell hubby to make dinner... even if it's picking up something like a roasted chicken and sides from the market (whatever's left is the next day's lunch). Then have a talk with hubby and tell him what's going on and that you need his support in the sense that he will have to take responsibility for some things (mainly cooking and cleaning) for a few times while you adjust. At the very least you can switch off nights to cook, you can agree to a take-out night so you both get the night off, and he has to clean up after himself. That should eliminate some of your stress. About your judge Judy friends and family - eff them. To quote Coco Rocha breastfeeding and child rearing are not democracies and frankly no ones business. To quote you OP, you're not a failure and be kind to yourself. Your body just went thru the trauma of giving birth and there is an adjustment period. No one, including yourself, should expect to be a pro immediately. Regardless of the outcome you will come out stronger and you're a great Mum because you care about your son. Hold on to that - everything you do is for your son and he's grateful to have you as his advocate. Hang in there :-)
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  • mdk2015mdk2015 member
    Hubs has been super supportive, like way more than I expected. He did all the heavy lifting in the hospital with diaper changes, he was my own personal CNA for my 4 day stay. He went from "eww periods dont happen to you", to helping me in & out of the ladies room & all that entails. He even used a Nose Frida the first night we were home when I couldnt find our bulb aspirator thingy. I wanted to puke but he worked it out. He has been cooking & cleaning for me too. We've had a super stressful 2 weeks and he made the mistake of stopping off for a beer or two and it got out of hand fast. I didnt mean to sound like he doesnt or hasnt helped. I think he has gone above & beyond and needed a break himself, just went about it the completely wrong way.
    As for the feeding I gave baby some formula at this last feeding and feel such a sense of freedom its like Im living in America again! I'm still waiting for my LC to desend from a chopper & knock on my door to notify me I just fed my child rattlesnake venom. Ohh the guilt..
    I spoke with a friend of mine thats a nurse and she mentioned that her OB offered her an rx to help her supply but she had spoken up about it too late. So I guess that's an option for me too. I'll call about that tomorrow. I really appreciate everyones replies. We all want to do whats best for our babies but one size surely doesnt fit all in this parenting game.

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  • kate913kate913 member
    I am really struggling with breastfeeding and pumping, it so frustrating. It's taking such an emotional toll, I want to use formula but feel such guilt..
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  • verveine407verveine407 member
    LCs can vary so much! Mine this time didn't even have my daughter breastfeed so she could observe, she gave me some papers and felt my breasts and declared my milk supply was low. At the end if the appointment she said it probably wasn't going to work but I might as well give it a try. My OB was more help than that - he gave me a Rx for a med that will help milk supply. I am not an advocate for self diagnosis/help from online sources but I refuse to give up which was basically what the LC wanted me to do. I am trying all the herbal, and old wives tale remedies. I gave myself a deadline for milk production and if I don't make it then I take the prescription. This is my second time breastfeeding after a csection and it is harder and more rewarding than I expected. I am supplementing my LO with formula, using Como Tomo bottles and so far can go back and forth no problem. If I have to switch to pumping only I will. I wish the LC had been more helpful and encouraging but thankfully I didn't let her bleak view change my mind. In the week since I saw her my milk has doubled - still not enough to stop supplementing but w/e that woman doesn't get to make decisions for me. When she called to check up on us I told her we had gone a different direction with lactation advice and for her to not call again. I don't need her sort of negativity when I am already so tired and so committed to breastfeeding.

    Good luck to us all!
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  • Willow1400Willow1400 member
    I've been blowing off my LC's calls for a follow-up appointment. The first one who came into my room spent most of her time constantly correcting which arm I was using to hold, grumbling that the delivery nurse never should have started us with a nipple shield, and clucking over the Splenda packet she saw by my coffee cup. (I was NOT in a good place day two in the hospital so I was stressed out and crying as it was.)

    The second was a great advocate in helping get my daughters tongue tie corrected before we left the hospital but I feel like we are in a good place right now. We are still using a nipple shield because my nipples are a little flat, but she is putting on weight and I have pumped enough between feedings for my husband to bottle feed for two feedings at night so I can get some sleep, which has helped more than anything and I know the LC won't approve of (although the pediatrician thinks it was good to get her used to a bottle sooner).

    I think you need to pick your battles- at the end of the day if baby eats and Mom keeps her sanity I'll call it a win!
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  • michcoy85michcoy85 member
    If you need/want to switch to formula because it is right for you then do it 

    That being said I had some trouble in the beginning and every nurse and lactation consultant I saw had a dif opinion on how to do it. I have inverted nipples and was told by some I would have to use a pump to pull them out, I didn't but worth a try for some! I was also told I couldn't do it without a nipple shield, I did it without a nipple shield, again they do work for some! My point is trust your own instincts, this was advice that was meant to be helpful of course and I planned on using it if I couldn't figure it out. Also, none of the holds I learned about in my breastfeeding class or from those who tried to help me worked for me. I do a sort of cradle hold but not quite. So don't worry if what you are doing doesn't match up exactly to the advice you are given. It also took my baby 2 weeks to gain enough which had me so worried but apparently is pretty normal.  Oh yea and my baby feeds for 5-15 mins at a time, not the 20-30 that I was told about so I was worried she wasn't getting hind milk. 

    I found this after I had it all pretty figured out but I still found it to be super reassuring and wish I had seen it earlier https://www.emmapickettbreastfeedingsupport.com/twitter-and-blog/the-dangerous-game-of-the-feeding-interval-obsession

    But again if you decide to go with formula don't feel guilty. If your baby is eating and growing and is healthy that is all that matters!
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