SO giving mixed signals?!

ReadyForaB · September 2015

Kind of a rant ... DH and I were married a few months ago and I stopped my birth control immediately. I started temping about two months ago. We are not hardcore trying at the moment, more of NTNP. Anywho, I thought he was all about having a LO, if it were to happen. I've talked to him about temping and such in the past. Then tonight he points at my thermometer and goes "what's that?" Like playing dumb! I explain it again and he's like "so you basically know when it'll happen? I'm not trying to have a baby like tomorrow." Does the whole "trying" part freak anyone else's SO out? I'm not hardcore trying at the moment either I just want to begin to understand my body for when we are, and if it were to happen now, great! But it makes me want to just go back on birth control because I think he's not ready after that comment! Thoughts?

Shiva14 · September 2015

Hugs, sorry he's giving mixed signals. It sounds to me like he may have changed his mind. I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. NTNP can most definitely lead to babies (did for me) and you all need to be on the same page before you're pregnant... Maybe you can try asking him what his timeline is so you have a better idea of his expectations?

Lysta85 · September 2015

It's odd for sure. If you have been temping for 2 months he sure must have known you are temping. Best to talk to him like pp said. Maybe he "suddenly" sees the temping as a sign that your doing everything you can to get pregnant right away instead of NTNP what you both agreed to? Or in the worst case scenario your right of him changing his mind. Just don't get back to the BC immediately, wait until you talked.

MrsRo731 · September 2015

It sounds to me like he didn't completely understand temping; did you explicitly tell him you were temping or was it just the process of temping that you discussed with him previously? I guess I'm a little lost how you could be NTNP when he's not aware; that's a really big step, especially since you're temping and know when you're Oing. I would definitely sit him down and discuss your next step because it's very possible you will get KU. You don't want any negative feelings going into a potential pregnancy and want to be on the same page. GL!

blackgirlmagic · September 2015

So when my husband and I decided that we were going to start TTC he was under the impression that we were NTNP. But in my head I was thinking I am going to do everything possible to get pregnant sooner rather than later. So I found the bump, not knowing what to expect from this website. Then I found out about temping and I was all over that. The first month of me temping he was not on board with it because we were NTNP in his mind. But once I told him I wanted a baby yesterday he was all on board. You just need to talk to him so that he knows your expectation and you know his. To a man temping is 100% trying unless you are using it birth control to avoid your fertility window. But just talk to him and it will all be sorted out.

Xstatic3333 · September 2015

raesmith9 said:
So when my husband and I decided that we were going to start TTC he was under the impression that we were NTNP. But in my head I was thinking I am going to do everything possible to get pregnant sooner rather than later. So I found the bump, not knowing what to expect from this website. Then I found out about temping and I was all over that. The first month of me temping he was not on board with it because we were NTNP in his mind. But once I told him I wanted a baby yesterday he was all on board. You just need to talk to him so that he knows your expectation and you know his. To a man temping is 100% trying unless you are using it birth control to avoid your fertility window. But just talk to him and it will all be sorted out.

My H wasn't into temping at first. Now he's fine with it because I told him 1.) we'll still only have sex when we want to, and 2.) there is still only a 20% chance of conceiving each cycle with perfect timing. I think a lot of tv shows portray tracking ovulation as super stressful and annoying, but I really just want to do it so I know that I'm ovulating, when to expect AF, and when to test (once we're trying-currently TTA). That said, if he's really not ready I'd respect that and wait, as tough as it is.

aetomshaw · September 2015

My H has been telling me on and off that he's ready to try, but then I break out my trusty little thermometer and he loses his mind with, "well we're not TRYING" and "Yeah right you can tell by your temperature when you're ovulating". Communication is key in any and every relationship, so keep communication open

onefootinthebayou · September 2015

To be honest, that whole "trying" thing freaked me out and not my SO. Like you, we were married a few months ago and I went off BC (reluctantly) right away. I started doing the reading about charting and temping, got the thermometer...and it took all the enjoyment out of sex for me. I felt pressured, I hated the added stress of trying to temp the same time every day, and I definitely didn't want to talk to DH about it. I didn't exactly "hide" the thermometer from him but I'm very private about some things and I didn't want to discuss this charting/temping/tracking stuff with him. I decided it wasn't for me and we are taking a more relaxed approach to TTC. I have felt much better since chucking the thermometer and I have an attitude of "if we get pregnant, great, if we don't, that's OK too".

This is certainly NOT the best approach for everyone - I do believe that charting/temping yield your greatest chances of conception. I'm just trying to point out that being all open about this stuff can introduce pressure and a "clinical" feel to something that used to otherwise be a fun, romantic act (sex). I'm also not advocating not being open with your SO - I'm not articulating my opinion very well - I'm just trying to say that not everyone is super gung-ho about experiencing every little detail of TTC. I certainly wasn't and I'm the one who had to bear the burden of the activities.

emmaaa · September 2015

onefootinthebayou said:

To be honest, that whole "trying" thing freaked me out and not my SO. Like you, we were married a few months ago and I went off BC (reluctantly) right away. I started doing the reading about charting and temping, got the thermometer...and it took all the enjoyment out of sex for me. I felt pressured, I hated the added stress of trying to temp the same time every day, and I definitely didn't want to talk to DH about it. I didn't exactly "hide" the thermometer from him but I'm very private about some things and I didn't want to discuss this charting/temping/tracking stuff with him. I decided it wasn't for me and we are taking a more relaxed approach to TTC. I have felt much better since chucking the thermometer and I have an attitude of "if we get pregnant, great, if we don't, that's OK too".

This is certainly NOT the best approach for everyone - I do believe that charting/temping yield your greatest chances of conception. I'm just trying to point out that being all open about this stuff can introduce pressure and a "clinical" feel to something that used to otherwise be a fun, romantic act (sex). I'm also not advocating not being open with your SO - I'm not articulating my opinion very well - I'm just trying to say that not everyone is super gung-ho about experiencing every little detail of TTC. I certainly wasn't and I'm the one who had to bear the burden of the activities.

The bolded is kind of how DH and I feel for now. When we thought I may be pregnant we realized that we'd be fine if it happened earlier rather than later. I guess we will start trying more actively and seriously when we get closer to our original TTC date.

Lysta85 · September 2015

onefootinthebayou said:

I felt pressured, I hated the added stress of trying to temp the same time every day, and I definitely didn't want to talk to DH about it. I didn't exactly "hide" the thermometer from him but I'm very private about some things and I didn't want to discuss this charting/temping/tracking stuff with him.

Here my SO mostly doesn't know when it's time for my period. For me it feels awkward to "announce" it, even after 5 years. So he only finds out when he wants to be intimate and I have to tell him that's not a good time because of AF. But it works for both of us. He's never that interested in it just wants to know if we can have sex or not. I'm not TTC yet and I don't wanna start temping etc. right away, but when I would consider it I don't really see myself involving him to much in it.
Some people just are like that. With my SO I really can't imagine him checking FF, but I do read some husbands/boyfriends do. So in mine opinion it's normal women can be like that too. There is a difference between keeping some things private (especially when it's not harmful) and not being open to your SO.

onefootinthebayou · September 2015

Lysta85 said:

onefootinthebayou said:

I felt pressured, I hated the added stress of trying to temp the same time every day, and I definitely didn't want to talk to DH about it. I didn't exactly "hide" the thermometer from him but I'm very private about some things and I didn't want to discuss this charting/temping/tracking stuff with him.

Here my SO mostly doesn't know when it's time for my period. For me it feels awkward to "announce" it, even after 5 years. So he only finds out when he wants to be intimate and I have to tell him that's not a good time because of AF. But it works for both of us. He's never that interested in it just wants to know if we can have sex or not. I'm not TTC yet and I don't wanna start temping etc. right away, but when I would consider it I don't really see myself involving him to much in it.
Some people just are like that. With my SO I really can't imagine him checking FF, but I do read some husbands/boyfriends do. So in mine opinion it's normal women can be like that too. There is a difference between keeping some things private (especially when it's not harmful) and not being open to your SO.

The bolded is what I was trying and failing to express. Thank you!

blush64 · September 2015

I would make it clear that whether you are temping and charting or not that just having unprotected sex could result in pregnancy right away. If he doesn't want one right away then he needs to be upfront and start preventing pregnancy. It could take months or years but once you start trying or not preventing it could happen right away.

I found temping reduced stress for me. How you handle it is personal. I certainly didn't hide anything from my husband, he is an adult. He wanted a baby and he knew charting would give us a better chance with timing.

Be open and talk about your expectations and his and come to an agreement on things.

onefootinthebayou · September 2015

blush64 said:

I would make it clear that whether you are temping and charting or not that just having unprotected sex could result in pregnancy right away. If he doesn't want one right away then he needs to be upfront and start preventing pregnancy. It could take months or years but once you start trying or not preventing it could happen right away.

I found temping reduced stress for me. How you handle it is personal. I certainly didn't hide anything from my husband, he is an adult. He wanted a baby and he knew charting would give us a better chance with timing.

Be open and talk about your expectations and his and come to an agreement on things.

Just pointing out that not wanting to discuss charting and temping with my husband does not make either of us not adults. The bolded doesn't really make a lot of sense, IMO. Some of us don't want to share every detail of TTC. It doesn't make us immature.

ReadyForaB · September 2015

Thanks ladies. I feel better knowing the formalness of temping just freaks some people out I guess... We talked and are keeping it at NTNP, if it happens great, if not we're good for now. The fact that I would know exactly when to have sex / when I'm ovulating and keeping that from him freaked him out, almost as if I was being sneaky by not informing him while I knew. I explained to him it'll take a few months to see a pattern in ovulation anyway and I don't know now until after it occurs.. and like pp have said, even with perfect timing the chance is not amazing to conceive. Thanks again !

Xstatic3333 · September 2015

onefootinthebayou said:

blush64 said:

I would make it clear that whether you are temping and charting or not that just having unprotected sex could result in pregnancy right away. If he doesn't want one right away then he needs to be upfront and start preventing pregnancy. It could take months or years but once you start trying or not preventing it could happen right away.

I found temping reduced stress for me. How you handle it is personal. I certainly didn't hide anything from my husband, he is an adult. He wanted a baby and he knew charting would give us a better chance with timing.

Be open and talk about your expectations and his and come to an agreement on things.

Just pointing out that not wanting to discuss charting and temping with my husband does not make either of us not adults. The bolded doesn't really make a lot of sense, IMO. Some of us don't want to share every detail of TTC. It doesn't make us immature.

I think there's a big difference between hiding and not discussing. My H knows I temp but has said he doesn't want details, and that works well for me too. Discussing it too much would make things stale for us.

Pam973 · September 2015

I totally get it my SO is always on board the first half of the month. Then somewhere in the tww he gets cold feet. It happens every cycle we have talked about it and it just comes down to the fact it is such a big decision.

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