DH is driving me crazy!! -vent

sphillips18 · September 2015

LO is 12 days old and I feel like he's so rough with her. He will pretend to throw her. Not too crazy but enough to freak me out. She's so tiny and fragile and I'm so gentle with her while he's kinda not. Don't get me wrong, he's a great dad and loves her to death but he's not as gentle as I'd like him to be. And if I give him advice he gets all defensive. Like I'll remind him how to wipe her down and he gets butt hurt about it(he wipes upwards sometimes). I tell him to pat dry her butt because of a rash and he's rough about it! He's been drinking a bit, not getting sloshed but enough to be annoying. I ask him to change her or feed her and he gets fussy. I mean he works a lot and he's military so his hours are crazy but I'm here all by myself still recovering and lacking sleep and I only ask him to change her once or twice a day. He was so helpful the first few days and now it's like it's a chore to take care of our daughter! Ughh

jen83mn · September 2015

I don't think most guys have that "newborn instinct" we as moms seem to have. My husband is already looking forward to the toddler years when baby can talk and he can play with him. Having a newborn is a LOT of work and I think my husband didn't realize how much work it actually is, even though I kept warning him before he was born. And it can be frustrating for him when he's trying to calm baby down and nothing works and baby can't tell him why he's crying. I think we're just better at adapting and taking it all in stride than they are!

That being said, I'm sorry your DH isn't stepping up like he should. Being a new mom is overwhelming in itself without having to deal with a husband who's not doing his part. I don't really have any advice, but hopefully it gets better!

KYmama9286 · September 2015

It's definitely a bit more of a learning curve for dad's in my experience. Even for dad's who are super hands on with experience it's still an adjustment. My biggest advice is try not to micromanage or critique too much. Obviously if it's a serious safety hazard say something but I have a lot of friends who regretted how much they micromanaged their husbands because over time the dads just got fed up with doing everything "wrong" and stopped trying to help at all which is an understandable reaction. Even if he does it differently than you, try and remember that this may be his way of bonding and he'll learn all her quirks over time. We have 4 kids now and my Dh still does things differently than me but he is super hands on because he didn't feel like he had to walk on eggshells to care for his own children. Sometimes it will seem easier to just do things yourself when Dh does it wrong or takes longer but I promise you will be glad you took a step back when you have 2 kids and physically CAN'T do everything yourself.

WDDCH · September 2015

I agree with previous commenter. Some men have "the touch" but for the most part men aren't always into babies like women are lol. My husband hasn't changed a single diaper of hers yet (but he has been changing our toddler son since my arms are usually full). He does hog her and snuggle her when I'm not breastfeeding.

This isn't our first baby but she is our last. Our firstborn never wanted daddy to hold her. She was a year old before she would take to him. He was a young dad who had never been around babies whatsoever. He was clumsy and insecure and it showed. My nagging made it worse. Correcting him a LOT only fueled his insecurities so he stopped trying because he didn't want to get yelled at.

He tearfully told me the other day that if he had tried harder our firstborn may have let him hold her more. He feels like he missed a lot. So that's why he's been hogging this newest LO from me every chance he gets.

My main point is: this time is fleeting. Find something he is strong at doing and let him give it his all. If diaper changes aren't in his favor, but letting her sleep on his chest while he watches football is, then let them snuggle with some football.

Encourage him on his strengths and don't keep a tally sheet of who does what because it isn't about even distribution of care.

sphillips18 · September 2015

Thanks for the advice ladies

he was changing her yesterday and her umbilical stump fell off. He came running to me screaming all grossed out lol and he was worried that I couldn't adult and be a mom but he's the one that lacks the interest in helping out with her and it makes me feel like he has no attachment to her even though that's not the case at all. I really try not to micromanage but the wiping the wrong way is what bothers me most!! I guess he's just being a man haha I wish he would interact with her more often though. He's deploying soon so I want him to spend as much time as possible with her but he finds her so boring right now

str13 · September 2015

Absolutely DH! Like pp said above, he just didn't know what to do and it really freaked him out. This is our third, at birth she weighed 3lb 6oz and he said he didn't want to hold her until she 5lb! Lol I finally talked him into it and the nurse got him all situated. He was doing great and held her for at least 20-30 mins. That night at her weight check she had lost a couple ounces. He said it was his fault and that he knew better than to hold her! Silly!
It doesn't come second nature to him at all! But it's okay, as each girl gets older he becomes more comfortable with them.

theglitteredpterodactyl · September 2015

I'm getting grateful for this thread--there's a lot of good advice here and it's been a good reminder to let my partner bond with baby in his own way. It's really hard to not step in, especially since I know when she cries I can instantly fix it with my boobs. We both get stressed when she cries in his arms, but I can do my part to step back a little and let him figure out his own way around the newborn.

Want a personalized experience?

DH is driving me crazy!! -vent

Re: DH is driving me crazy!! -vent

Choose Another Board

Search Boards