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October 2015 Moms
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Mother troubles...

MrsN092714MrsN092714 member
in October 2015 Moms
I know I am not alone in dealing with a hard to deal with mother but am in need of a vent/ some advice. Firstly, my EDD is Oct 30, I am a FTM and am honestly expecting to go beyond my due date (I know this may not be the case but since the start of this pregnancy I've had a feeling we would be well into Novemeber by the time baby arrives). My mom is going for a full hysterectomy Oct 7. They are doing it laparoscopic so as much as it is still a major surgery they will not be opening her abdomen up and will be doing it all through the vaginal opening. Healing time is still 6-8 weeks before she is allowed to do any sort of heavy lifting. she lives about a 12 hour drive from us and this is her first grand baby. She is beyond excited and wants to be here for when the baby is born. Thing is we can only deal with each other in smaller doses. She told me today she wants to be here at least a week before my due date. I have already told her she's not coming into labour and delivery with me and we are not allowing anyone in for at least an hour after the baby is born but she is insisting on being at the hospital either way. I know she will be helpful to have here once the baby is born, she has worked in a small hospital for 30+ years and has a great reputation as a wonderful baby nurse, the thing is if this baby doesn't come until a week after my due date I don't know if I will still want her here then. 2 weeks with her before the baby arrives, where she is layed out on my couch healing is not going to be fun for either of us. My husband and her butt heads a bit and he gets fed up and usually takes off to save his own sanity (which normally I am fine with) but I want to be spending as much time with the two of us as we can as it really is the last time where it is just the two of us. He is so wonderful and has gone above and beyond as I am getting bigger and more uncomfortable and I don't want him to have to take care of us both. Of coarse I am hoping her surgery and recovery goes smoothly but that's just ammunition for her to make the trip earlier. I have tried to tell her on several occasions that as much as I want her here when the baby arrives, I don't want her here early and want to be spending the last of our time alone, actually alone, not with her hiding in my basement. I know she would be good to have around when I go into labour at home but there is a big part of me that wants to do this entirely with my husband and nobody else. My ideal would be baby coming a little early and her not being able to have a chance to come down before baby comes and I feel selfish for saying that (and of coarse don't want my baby any earlier than it is ready to come). I have tried so many times to express this to her and it always ends up with her feeling hurt and crying and me feeling like an asshole.... Just needed to get this off my chest. I think I'll be having a talk with my dad and expressing some of this and seeing if he can talk to her. Any advice would be muchly appreciated.
Married:09/27/14 
Baby N-Born:10/29/15
Our Angel: EDD: 05/11/17. MC at 6 weeks
Baby #2- EDD: 07/18/17

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Re: Mother troubles...

  • BlueTopazBrideBlueTopazBride member
    First, I'm sorry you are having to deal with it. Stick to your guns, if you don't want her there that early don't let her come. I'm not letting my mom come until we have been home for a couple days. This is an important event for her and you sound like you have tried to be as kind as possible, but it is a huge life changing event for you and it's your body and your home and your baby, so you get to make the rules. Asking her to respect your reasonable boundaries does not make you an asshole. Her fighting with you trying to change your mind is a little manipulative.
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  • kstitt0830kstitt0830 member
    Like pp said, you make the rules and set the boundaries and you have to do it from the beginning because if you don't then she will never respect them...tell her you will call her down when you go into labor and it will probably take you a good 12+ hours to have the baby anyway, so she will make it in plenty of time for the birth or just shortly after...if she can't respect that then she just doesn't get to be there at all. This is a crucial time in your marriage and I agree you need alone time with your husband because you will never be just the two of you again once baby is born...it changes your whole relationship.
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  • charmcity82charmcity82 member
    I think you should try to find a considerate, but firm way to assert yourself and make your preferences clear.  I also have a mother who (with good intentions) tries to kind of take over when she thinks she is needed.  We had to have some uncomfortable conversations after my son was born about how I would like to be able to ask for help when I need it, instead of her coming in and kind of smothering me and doing things I saw as my job as a new mom.  I know we are going to have to have conversations like that again this time, but they are necessary or I will lose my mind.
    It might not make her really happy to have that conversation with you, and you can also try and find a gentle way to phrase things, but you also need to make sure that you are setting up a dynamic with her moving forward that you are happy with, and sometimes the only way to do that is to just be frank and honest.  Good luck!
    DS1: 9/4/2013
    DS2: 10/23/2015

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