Intervention

MissMheMhe · September 2015

I am hoping to find some suggestions and support dealing with this difficult topic. My sister and I are planning to have a sort of intervention with my parents and their drinking. So many events have happened over the years that we are starting to get really worried. To give you a few examples:

- Two weeks ago I went to the beach for the weekend with my parents and a bunch of family friends. We arrived about 3 pm, Dad started drinking almost as soon as we arrived. Mom and I prepared for bed around 11pm. About 11:30, my dad collapsed and we called 911. EMT's arrived and took his bp, which was 74/42, which prompted a trip to the ER. They ended up admitting him for a 12 hr observation. Ultimate diagnosis was dehydration due to several factors, main ones being in the sun and only drinking alcohol, no water for hydration. The dr took him off a diuretic for his bp and suggested he make an appointment with his regular dr as soon as arriving home. He hasn't made that appointment and I know he is back to drinking at home.

- Many accidents have happened while they are walking their dogs, including several injuries. Dad tripped over his toes and broke his wrist. Mom tripped over her feel and almost bit her tongue off. Their dogs are small and don't pull on the leash. They both admit they were drunk when walking the dogs.

- Mom narrowly escaped getting a DUI as she blew juuust under the legal limit. But she was swerving horribly and the officer stated he would have thought she was absolutely trashed. The officer called my Dad to come pick her up, but he was too drunk to drive, so he called and woke my sister up to go get her.

These are just a couple incidents that have happened. It's to the point that I don't like answering their calls if it's after about 6:30 because I know they won't remember the conversation in the morning and I just don't want to listen to slurred speech and repetitive questions.

I feel terrible having to step up and bring the subject up with them. My sister and I are going to write a letter together to help express our feelings and concerns. We are mainly coming from the point of view that we want them around for their grand babies. My sister and her hubby are actively trying for their first and with this one on the way, I want to feel safe that my baby is safe with them when DH and I have something to do.

Anyone have words of wisdom? I sincerely hope not, but I know this is a subject that too many people have to deal with. I greatly appreciate any advice!

mg137 · September 2015

I don't have any advice. I'm sorry you're going through this and I admire your strength and bravery in setting healthy limits and doing this for your parents. I hope they are receptive and ready for the help.

daisiemay22 · September 2015

Better than what I did. I heard my mother was doing bad things n she owes me a b inch of money I pretty much said if u need help get it now this will NOT be tolerated around my twins I will not go back to work and u will not be there care provider. It is sad that I had to do that and second guess my mother which I'm still doing but it is what it is.

MissMheMhe · September 2015

Thank you, ladies! Honestly, I don't think I could do it if it weren't for my sister! I try to avoid confrontation at all costs, but she gives me the strength to step up and share my concerns with my parents. I of course love them and I honestly don't think they realize how much their choices affect their grown children.

Krisdee123 · September 2015

This takes great courage and care, you are doing the right thing. You may find help and support at a local Al-anon meeting for family and friends of addicts. They may have some helpful tools for your intervention. Good luck to you.

ariasbabyblog · September 2015

I want to preface this with I completely support you and your sister having a sit down with your parents and explaining all of this to them, I think it is a wonderful thing and it takes a lot of courage and love to do it. That being said, having dealt with alcoholism in my own family, it is often something outside of the person that makes them want to be sober. Either they have hit rock bottom and are doing awful things for their drug of choice, or the law steps in, or like you and your sister, their family steps in. They can go through treatment program after treatment program, but if they don't want it, it will not work. There is also the reasons why they drink in the first place. Are they depressed? Are they drinking socially (together counts)? Are they self medicating with alcohol? Unless the root is discovered and dealt with, again, any treatments are not likely to succeed. When you and your sister do talk with them, be sure to give plenty of time to listen as well. If they are resistant, or in complete denial, you and your sister may have to make some very hard decisions when it comes to their involvement in your lives and your children's lives.

I do wish you and your family the best. Becoming sober is not an easy road for anyone involved, but hopefully with grandchildren on the way your parents will find their reason to be sober, aware and involved. Good Luck.

MissMheMhe · September 2015

@ariasbabyblog, I agree with you completely. The primary reason for us wanting to do this is so we can share how their choices are affecting our lives. We don't expect them to sober up the moment we speak our piece, but we do hope that by gaining another perspective, it will help them to realize how much their actions are affecting others around them.
That said, I am not 100% certain where the need for alcohol comes from. Both of my parents are quite successful. My sister works with my dad and my mom and I work for the same organization, just in different counties. Every observation I've made is that their relationship is in a wonderful place. They are approaching their 33rd anniversary. Both came from failed marriages before finding each other. There very well could be factors that take place behind closed doors that my sister and I are blind to. My hope is that when we share our hearts with them, it will help them to open up to us, if there is anything that is hiding in the dark.

Leah6120 · September 2015

I'm not personally dealing with this with my parents, but I have relatives who have encountered this. My best advice is to first tell them how you feel, but to also be clear about things moving forward regardless of their reaction. I would set boundaries esp with their interactions with your baby. My one relative was not allowed to see his grandaughter without the parents around until he had been sober for several months straight (he dropped her down the stairs while drunk one night). It was the wakeup call he needed. Hopefully setting boundaries now can help you avoid issues like that until they get their drinking under control.

l4rk · September 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think the best but hardest thing you can do is decide what the consequences are going to be if they don't quit. The reality is that addiction is hard, only they can control their choices, and you may not get them to smarten up. It wont be because they don't love you; they just might not be capable of giving you what you need. If they don't quit, what is Plan B? No visits while under the influence? No sleepovers or unsupervised visits? No contact? I think this is a reality you need to prepare yourself and your parents for.

Edit: grammar.

ccoleeman · September 2015

I swear your description of your parent is exactly my mom. Multiple injuries from tripping, no memory of our conversations after 4pm, etc etc

I agree with @krisdee123 about Al-anon. I've unfortunately had to go through this with both parents-my dad got sober and became the greatest version of himself. My mom did not.

My advice is to set your limit with them and stick to it, make sure you're taking care of your own mental health-regardless of the outcome of the intervention, and put whatever safeguards in place you can so they don't financially hurt you and your family.
I could write pages of how we dealt and continue to deal with it my family, but I'll keep it simple and share what we're doing:
1. My mom is so emotionally screwed up that interventions have failed, she threatened to commit suicide. How ever, I set regular boundaries with her as needed and limit my time spent with her. No family vacations (had to make that rule 1 year ago). No drinking liquor or wine while I'm at her house. She knew that if she was caught with a drop of alcohol at my wedding she'd be thrown out, and I had family standing by to enforce it. Im not afraid to withold her only grandchild from her-itll break my heart, but my mom is rarely sober enough to hold a baby. Does it mean she'll get treatment? Probably not, she still doesn't have the desire and doesn't seem capable of change. But I set my limits and she knows the consequences. It sounds cold, but I've made peace with the fact that my mom has a sickness, and if she doesn't get help then she can fail her body on her own time, away from me and my family.

2. I go to Al-anon and went thru extensive 12 week therapy in March to work through the emotional damage of my family, and to make sure I don't repeat the same patterns. There are great programs for people who grew up in dysfunctional families.

3. I've made sure my mom has full and adequate life insurance and long term care insurance. Especially long term care-if she goes into a home or needs at home health care (very likely at the rate she's going) then my sister and I will not be financially responsible. My kid will not miss out on a funded college because I was paying 200/day to care for a woman who stopped caring for herself.

It sounds cold and logical, but I've already mourned the loss of the person my mom could be, and now I choose to love her from a safe distance.

I wish you the best- I hope you and your family get peace from this ♡♡

kodariah · September 2015

Sadly I've deal with drug and alcohol abuse lot, not my parents thankfully. But myself, my best friends and very close family members. The one thing I can say to a close friend or family member of someone struggling with addiction is look at what your doing to enable them. I would let them know how you feel and make it clear that you will love and support them but you can not be around it, your kids won't be around it. Then stop doing things that make it easier for them to do the things they are doing. Don't go pick them up, don't help them up after falling. Make them deal with the consequences of what they are doing on there own. The easiest way to keep an addict an addict is by picking up the pieces to the messes there addictions make. And realize it is there decision and needs to be and you just have to stick with not being involved or tolerating it.

nlwz123 · September 2015

I'm very sorry you are having to deal with this. I have a close family member that suffesr from long-time drug addiction and I know it's difficult to sit back and watch, especially if you are going to be introducing young ones into the family. I would like to echo what others have said and let them know that you love them and want the best for them, but in their current state, you just can't trust them around your children. Unfortunately, not everyone is willing to change, and sometimes the addiction is so strong that all rationality and logic goes out the window, which is sadly the case in my family. My family member has been in an out of rehabs, suffered multiple overdoses on heroin, and has stolen from family members. At one point it really is just like...enough is enough. You wish that person well, let them know you will always be there for them, but I agree with PPs, sometimes you need distance for your own sanity and for the safety of your family.

katherines2ndminime · September 2015

My father has issues with prescription medications. It's very difficult to figure out how to deal with him. My mother is such an enabler and we just can't seem to get on the same page. Bottom line, my dad won't be caring for this baby on his own, ever. Makes me very sad.

maureenmce · September 2015

Hugs to you for having to deal with this. Some words of encouragement from someone who has been there - it can get better! Both my brother and my mother are alcoholics. They are also my only immediate family because my father passed away when I was 18. Their behavior came to a head a few years ago and I had to beg them to seek help or make it clear they couldn't be in my life in a regular way anymore. (Holidays had gotten to the point that I would be weeping the entire car ride home.) My mom took that to heart and started rehab. It took her three tries for it to stick, but she is now sober for two years. My husband and I are incredibly proud of her. She is now able to be an active part of our lives, we spend holidays together and we are thrilled to have her involved with our baby - her first grandchild.

Now for the bad news - my brother and I had the same conversation, but he was not able to get his drinking under control or willing to try rehab. He has finally been trying to work the steps of the AA program and as of this year has met with some success, 2 months here, 3 months there, and he keeps going back to the program, so that's at least something. However, with his drinking and the dangers associated with it (he blacks out and is a danger to himself, sometimes we are afraid he'd be a danger to others) our relationship is only by phone right now and he won't be able to really see his niece once she's born unless we're in an environment during the day and with other people.

It has been a difficult few years, to put it lightly, so I am wishing you strength on the road ahead. I second the PP who mentioned Al-Alon and therapy. Both have been very helpful for me. The process of people getting sober can be VERY messy and emotional and painful. Sometimes people realize they have a problem and at least start the path to sobriety willingly and quickly. Some people fight it for years, sometimes decades, sometimes forever. But you're doing the right thing by calling your parents' attention to the fact that their drinking has gotten out of control and hopefully they will be receptive. It could absolutely save their lives or the lives of others, with drunk driving. Hopefully they turn a corner and get healthy. All of my best thoughts and hopes are with you and your parents!

MissMheMhe · September 2015

I appreciate everyone for taking the time to share your personal experiences. It really means a lot. I am sharing your stories with my sister so we can create a plan together to proceed with.

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