Nobody wants to talk about the baby I lost anymore

kistra · September 2015

Hello,

I lost my son when I delivered him at 22 weeks and 4 days. I have started telling people that I am an pregnant again because I know I will need support. But everyone just wants to talk about the new baby now and nobody seems willing to talk about my son. Right I after I had him I was worried that people would forget about him and he wouldn't feel real. Everybody I have talked to about him had made me feel good about that and it was no longer a concern to be, but people stopped talking about him and everyone just wants to talk about the new baby. I know it is easier to think about living babies but it is hard for everybody to suddenly change the subject to my current pregnancy whenever I talk to them.

Has anybody else experienced this?

cammlyn · September 2015

I am having the issues with the other side of the coin. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks in may and now that I am 6 weeks my loss is all people want to talk about and it just makes me more anxious.

People may want to not talk about your son to keep your thoughts positive through this pregnancy. Loss of an infant is such a hard thing for people to really talk about.

I am so sorry about your loss. If you ever want to talk about him this board is amazing. No judgements just support.

mommaseal · September 2015

I'm so sorry about your son. It's so hard. I feel that way too. We lost our DD at 16w4d. I have a handful of people who know what it's like to lose a baby so they always ask me or talk to me about my DD. I haven't told many people or seen many people since our loss so they are not talking about the "new baby" but more or less avoiding our loss all together. I get it, it's hard. Did you get to hold your son? Did you name your son?

kimey1 · September 2015

@kistra I agree with PP that people haven't necessarily forgotten about your son, and they probably don't want to step on your toes while talking about your loss by saying the wrong thing by mistake. They want to keep things positive for this new baby so that you can go easier on the mourning and endulge in being a mom with a healthy newborn in your arms.

@cammlyn I'm sorry people are doing that. Hopefully they'll transition into talking about your current pregnancy and the prospects of seeing the baby for themselves so it's easier on you. I'm at my mileston of 8weeks when I had a mmc last time, and so anxious about the upcoming u/s. I'm staying positive and doing all i can to keep our lil bean growing!

bntfroggie · September 2015

Just the fact that you are asking this question shows how much you care and remember. I don't think your family has forgotten about your loss, but more looking towards the future, just because you take a step forward doesn't mean your past isn't right there with you.

I hope that makes sense, I am so sorry for your loss, but want to congratulate you on your pregnancy.

kistra · September 2015

@colleenflannery -Yes, we held him and named him Logan and took lots of pictures. Did you get to hold your DD?

@bntfroggie - Thank you for both sentiments.

@cammlyn - I'm sorry people are making your more anxious.

@kimey1 - thanks for the reassurance

It has just been a little rougher than I expected being pregnant again.

MrsDelfosse2B · September 2015

@kistra I also lost a son who was born at 22 weeks just over 2 years ago. We will be starting an ivf cycle on the 8th, our first since we lost him, and I am so scared. Any advice?

kistra · September 2015

@MrsDelfosse2B - I have a feeling it is one of those things that is different for everybody. Just be kind to yourself and be okay with however you feel. I was so desperate to have our first cycle work because it would have meant I was pregnant again by my original due date. Then my BFN, original due date and a memorial we planned were all in the same week and I was wrecked for quite a while afterwads.

peregrinefalconx · September 2015

First off, I am so, so sorry for the loss of Logan. I'm sure being pregnant brings up what "could have been" with him. I feel that way at times (although mine were WAY earlier). I don't have your experience or know personally anyone who has had it. However, I will say [slightly off topic] that a co-worker had a tragic loss here and while we talked about it for a long time, I don't ask her about it or bring it up anymore. Not because I don't care about how she feels, but because if she doesn't want to talk about it, I don't want to bring it up. I wouldn't be afraid to voice your feelings, or see counselor to help out as well. I'm sure those who love you would be comforting in what way they know how.

coolmom87 · September 2015

I just lost my daughter at 37 weeks back in April. I had the same fears of my angel being forgotten. I am now 17w6d and I am having a little boy. Some of my support team through the loss of my baby girl started doing this to me and I put my foot down. They stopped and realized that I do not look at this baby as a replacement but a gift from god and my baby angel up in heaven. They are working together on this baby. I told those people that if they didn't act right and give me the support I needed then they could just stay out of my pregnancy all together. Needless to say they are all still a part of my pregnancy and very happy to be so. They help me through the hard days and be happy with me through the good days. You just need to let them know how you feel and put your foot down. That's what I did and it worked for me.

kistra · September 2015

Thank you for letting me know what worked for you.

Vets1 · September 2015

Yes my family is doing this, they want me to be positive, however I just keep talking if I want. it's been 10 months since we lost Mason and I think it's healthy to remember and talk when you feel like it x

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