In Law Anxiety- anyone else?

jferrer1212 · September 2015

I just need to know I'm not alone & not crazy!! Lately, I'm not sure if it's hormones or what. I'm having major anxiety about my in laws & our first baby girl who's obviously due in January

I preface this by saying both our families live close by, and that DH parents are not BAD people. They've just not had girls (hubby has a brother). They've been wanting THIS granddaughter since the day we married. My parents are also very involved & I just feel super comfortable with mine while his are super overbearing & show off-y, will super spoil (yes that's G-parents to spoil) & not listen to rules.

I'm just completely freaking out & tried talking to my husband to voice my worries, but it doesn't go over well (mommas boy) & I don't want to stress our marriage. I work PT every other weekend & many holidays due to working in a hospital. My main fears are: missing out special firsts, them showing her off & passing her around like a doll. His family spends too much $, act like socialites (I don't want my girl exposed to too many ppl I don't know) etc. I know I'm not explaining this the best, & I admit I fear "losing control". I plainly just see it going like this: I watch baby during week when hubby is at work, & we stay home, do errands, daily grind WHILE hubby watches her solo every other weekend & goes to his fam's house where there's bday parties, get togethers, all these fun things gonna miss. PLEASE help me, I know I'm worrying too much. But I think any realistic advice would be appreciated.
Is it just FOMO? It is bc it's our first child? I know I should appreciate their help & it will give hubby & I date nights etc. I just feel paralyzed in this situation. Hubby needs to just help lay down boundaries? Leash & go-pro strapped to child? Lock hubby & baby in our house? ;-) (sarcasm) Thx, sorry it's a terribly long post.

Monilee1017 · September 2015

It is hard when you first leave baby to go back to work. I had my sister watch my baby and it is wonderful knowing someone loves your kids but hard knowing you are going to miss things. If you trust your husband you should trust he will never put baby in a situation where she will be harmed. Yes she will get spoiled by grandparents, my IL's spoil my children, but it is your job to teach her that this is a special thing and not everyone gets this. What we do is have DS work for the presents from IL's. So when they buy something we say thank you and he can play with it at their house, they live close, but can't bring it home until he does x, y and z.

danasphillips · September 2015

My in-laws majorly overstepped their bounds with DS and it drove a huge wedge between MIL and I for a very long time. I wish I could go back in time and have MH set much clearer expectations with them but what's done is done. This time around we are having zero visitors at the hospital and I'm hoping that will make things a bit clearer from the get-go.

The best thing you can do is get YH on the same page, but I know that's hard with your first child because neither of you really know what you are getting yourselves into. I would just keep reiterating that the two of you are a team and that you are going to need him to be your voice with them at times. And if they aren't getting it and he isn't speaking up, don't be afraid to put your foot down.

ariasbabyblog · September 2015

You and your DH need to be on the same page, not just with his parents, but with your's too. As long as the two of you are consistent, it won't matter (too much) what either of your parents do. I can't stress enough that you have to communicate with your DH. Be calm, be respectful, and be open and honest with each other. I completely understand where you are coming from as my MIL is the "it's my grandmothers privilege to spoil" type, but most of the toys she buys our son stay at her place. Some things come home, like birthday or christmas presents, but she buys him stuff all year round. It's very irritating.

rachkay14 · September 2015

I have been having the same anxiety and fears for the future with my in laws. We had a pretty great relationship before, but this new and exciting grandchild has thrown the whole dynamic out of sync with boundaries and comments made without thinking. Whether it is his father discussing his perffered birth plan for me, baby names, to his mother demanding I tell her a date to retire so she can raise my baby while I'm working (when I don't plan to go back to work full time and she knows this) it has been a real challenge to keep my composure. All the great advice given here about communication and remaining a united front with your partner helped me have an honest talk with my husband about my fears. This is my third conversation with him about his parents and I have become more diplomatic each time and as a result gotten a better outcome. He had no idea that all these inappropriate comments and gestures by his folks and extended families were building up to a degree of anxiety and panic about how I will be able to maintain control and calmness in the upcoming events ahead. It really eased my mind to know he plans on having a more direct role in setting boundaries with his parents and ensuring my needs are met and respected. When they become too direct and inappropriate he now understands he needs to step up then to correct them and not leave me to do the dirty work lol. He is an only child and this is the first grandchild for both of our families so I know the cause of these awkward encounters are a direct result of everyone being so excited for us. I try to respect that it also must be hard for his mom to let go of the fact she is not the number priority in his life and getting one step lower on the totem pole. That being said, this is not the daughter she never got to have. I tell myself daily not to let hormones ruin this process of setting boundaries the correct, polite, but firm way without damaging our relationship. I just want you to know that you are not alone and have the absolute right to be upset and vent.

jferrer1212 · September 2015

Thank you so very much to all of your wonderful advice here ladies. I so graciously appreciate it. This is all new territory for both my husband & I, and I'm just hoping for the best outcome :-) There is definitely a learning curve. It's just easier to deal with, knowing I'm not alone in going through this.

mamakculb · September 2015

I think a lot of people have already said some of the best advice, make sure you and hubby are on the same team.

As far as your fears, they're understandable, but probably fueled a bit by the unknown factor. My MiL is EXTREMELY indulgent and definitely not a schedule/routine person and I was very fearful of this causing a lot of problems with my DS. It has surprisingly been a lot better than I ever anticipated. She definitely spoils him more than I would, but we are consistent enough at home that he doesn't even expect it from us, he knows it's a grandma thing. There have been two main things I've really put my foot down on, having a reasonable bedtime at her house and not drinking too much chocolate milk/juice. My hubby has been in total agreement and MiL has complied on those two issues. A lot of the other little things, her letting him watch shows, buying him little toys etc., I just let it go. He's not begging for toys from us and he knows we just don't have the tv on at home except for certain times. I was honestly more concerned that she would let him act out a lot but she's been great at stifling tantrums and bad behavior with him.

We are expecting our first girl in January. I'm a bit worried again this time because she has been wanting a granddaughter forever! She has 4 sons and 5 grandsons and my DD already has a big wardrobe from MiL and we still have 4 months to go! I'm sure we'll revisit some issues, and over time things will change as the kids grow older.

Be open and on the same team with your hubby, and let MIL, or whoever it may be, know your absolutes and expectations. Also, never use the kids as ammo against either grandparents. It ruins their relationship with them, not just yours

MeghaJake · September 2015

My in laws were super overbearing with my first. Bought formula even though I breastfed, bought her first Christmas dress, totally spoiled her with presents, introduced her to fruit snacks and other junk food etc. I actually flipped out on my MIL one day. It seemed like every time I was around she would take my daughter and leave the room. So Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter - I barely got to spend any time with her. The worst was when my MIL was babysitting while I was at work and I came home for lunch to see my daughter and MIL decided it would be a good time to take her for a walk around the neighborhood. I had to explain that I came home to spend time with my daughter. MIL thought she was helping me by taking her away so I could eat my lunch.

Anyway our relationship has never been the same. She has never acted that way with my son and she doesn't come around as often. I definitely should have spoken up for myself earlier but let it build for too long before saying anything. I think it's good to set boundaries but don't be surprised if your in laws don't take them seriously.

l4rk · September 2015

Choose your battles. Let the trivial stuff go. And know that most of it IS trivial.

jferrer1212 · September 2015

Yes, it DEF seems a great idea to choose my battles. I'm just going thru these emotions....looking back I see what's petty or not. I will TRY to only freak out over life threatening or big big deal breakers lol.

Rach8672 · September 2015

I can see that overbearing in laws or parents can make youfeel like you have less control which is scary . My hubby and I are the independent type that like to figure things out on our own. I can see my parents being overly involved but I'm pretty open and honest about boundaries and everything in general with them so I'm hoping that can keep things at bay.
However I am a little hesitant about my Hubby's parents . They are anything but overbearing. They never call. I actually haven't even talked to or seen them since becoming pregnant. His MIL smokes a lot and I will not have that around my baby ! His parents live closer than mine as mine live across the country , I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving my LO there.

So that's the flip side of the coin , I'd say you are lucky !

hannahduff3 · September 2015

Do you guys have any advice on laying down rules with MIL without coming off as the bitchy DIL?? I know that as my son gets older there will be rules in place at home that I don't want her ruining when she watches him. It's much easier to tell my own mother the rules.

MeghaJake · September 2015

It'll be easier to lay down rules at your own house - frame it as helpful guidelines to watching your kid. Just graciously accept all the junk and find new homes for it when they leave. What I have always struggled with is when I'm at their house. But we live far enough away that we have to stay with them overnight when we go there. It's probably easier if you are not held captive. I sound really ungrateful right now. I do love my in-laws. But they do ignore my boundaries. I have given up on trying to enforce them.

jferrer1212 · September 2015

@hannahduff3. Exactly this! They're nice, but yup I don't wanna come off bitchy lol

caseyat · September 2015

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND! It's actually making me CRAZY! Except it with MY mother that's the issue. She is extremely overbearing, set in her ways and argumentative, and controlling. I know it sounds horrible, but sometimes I just wanna move half way across the country for a little air! I over her, but I want to raise my son MY way and my husband's way!

Monilee1017 · September 2015

When it comes to setting rules I would say think of the most important ones. Don't have petty rules, stick to serious ones like no smoking in front of baby. Petty stufff will make you look bitchy.

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