Not trusting grandparents...

siempre595 · August 2015

We have 9 week old twins, boy and girl. The boy is doing awesome, eats everything, growing like a weed, sleeping well. My daughter is doing fair. She doesn't eat that well, has noisy breathing (seen by ENT doc already), needs fortifier, is just kind of a few weeks behind her brother. We call her delicate.

My in laws are pressuring us to leave the babies with then to care for while we go out (For an evening, for an afternoon, for a trip....for anything). Basically my MIL is DYING to be alone with these babies without me watching. She has already twice wanted to put them in a stroller and take them out and about in 95 plus degree summer Texas weather. She wanted to do that when they were 5 days old and JUST home from the hospital, they were both barely 5 pounds. I said no, my husband backed me up. My FIL is an okay guy, he's not very child savvy if that makes sense. He means well, but he'd prefer to hang out on the couch watching sports, but he will hold a baby when it's not fussing. My MIL thinks she is VERY capable. She wanted to be stay up all night with the babies early on, but she's getting older and a bit forgetful and gets VERY upset when my husband disagrees with her on anything. Last week we had to repeat to her three times which day we are moving out of state. This has been discussed for months. She still cannot get the date clear. I'm worried about her memory and judgement. I don't want to leave them alone with these two for any period of time. I'm just not ready and don't trust them. Especially with my daughter who is just difficult at times with feeding/crying/breathing.

This is doubly awkward because my mom has been pretty involved. She's a newborn nurse and is VERY comfortable with babies for her whole life now. While she can get overwhelmed with twins, she can handle them for short periods of time. I can run out to the store or to my office for an hour and feel safe. My dad is not a kid person and has no interest in babysitting them.

I think my MIL especially is getting jealous of my mom's time with them and just seems intent on being alone with them, constantly asking to come visit and "you can go do other stuff, go out, go with your friends, go to the spa." This is NICE, but I don't think the motive is to be nice. I think the motive is to have her own time with them, but I just can't feel confident about this.

How do I handle this? My husband agrees with me, he says, but he tends to give in to her esp if she gets upset or cries EVER.

ldmw · August 2015

You and your husband need to stay strong. You don't trust your in laws for a reason and do not let them guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with. We struggle with a similar situation. My family is great with our baby and we've always had a great relationship with them. They are the only ones I would ever trust leaving my baby with. My in laws have a long list of issues and we will never ever leave our baby with them. They get pissy about it and put my husband in the middle of it. He sticks to his guns most of the time, but also struggles with the constant nagging by his side of the family.

sclick81 · August 2015

Have you thought of going over there and doing a "trial run"? Where you are still there for support and if she has any questions but let her take care of them? I had some similar concerns about my MIL so I did this and I also wrote down all of my LO's quirks and what the do when XYZ is happening. My LO was 7 weeks premature so I understand where you are coming from. Just a suggestion.

pixieprincss · August 2015

Invite them to spend time with you and the babies either at your place, theirs, or out-and-about. It doesn't sounds like time alone with them is in the cards, and that is ok, but maybe she could hold a baby or two while you take a shower or nap with the door open. I don't think you even need to broach the topic of what they can't do (be alone with the babies), just invite them into what they can do.

siempre595 · August 2015

They live out of state, but have been visiting several times already. We are moving closer but still 7 hours away. So when they come to see them they are in our home. I can't "go over" to their house because of the distance. It's more they want to come and then tell us to leave our home and they will do the babysitting. Mostly it's MIL, I don't think FIL really cares, he just goes with the flow.

Yesterday she called and said that "when we come for Labor Day we will watch them and you two go out for the whole evening." it was like a command. My husband said no we did not have any plans for that day/evening and we will have JUST moved into our new house and will probably be tired and the babies will be acclimating to the new place, we won't be leaving them for long dates just yet. This is all true, but feels like we are making some excuses to avoid the inevitable "we are not leaving you with them alone for awhile...or ever."

SIGH

heartlandmom · August 2015

I would trust your gut and just stick to your guns. Mama knows best.

sschwege · August 2015

siempre595 said:

They live out of state, but have been visiting several times already. We are moving closer but still 7 hours away. So when they come to see them they are in our home. I can't "go over" to their house because of the distance. It's more they want to come and then tell us to leave our home and they will do the babysitting. Mostly it's MIL, I don't think FIL really cares, he just goes with the flow.
Yesterday she called and said that "when we come for Labor Day we will watch them and you two go out for the whole evening." it was like a command. My husband said no we did not have any plans for that day/evening and we will have JUST moved into our new house and will probably be tired and the babies will be acclimating to the new place, we won't be leaving them for long dates just yet. This is all true, but feels like we are making some excuses to avoid the inevitable "we are not leaving you with them alone for awhile...or ever."

SIGH

You said you are moving, which is going to be a lot of work as you well know. We moved 3 weeks before DS2 was born and it was exhausting. Perhaps you could say something like, "That's such a kind offer, but what we really want to focus on is getting our stuff unpacked and getting settled. Maybe you could come and be in charge of the babies while we get stuff done around the house." That way you are there, but sort of leaving them to care for the babies under your supervision. Plus you have help which you are almost certainly going to want. Good luck!

EaMplus1 · August 2015

We are going through a similar situation. MIL recently got pneumonia and had to be put on oxygen machine 24/7. She insists she will watch DD when I go back to work, but she can barely stand up without losing her balance. She is on 10 different types of medication and has memory problems, also. I have avoided the conversation and I've just told her that my very capable and healthy grandma will be taking care of my LO. But like pp said focus the conversation on what MIL can do. Remember they are YOUR babies and you must do whats best for them.

coachjulez · August 2015

I think that letting her watch them or maybe just one of them for a short period of time like while you bathe one or take a shower & a nap & do some laundry maybe that would make her feel better

meowcat84 · August 2015

That's how I feel about my FIL. He's very nice and excited he is having a grandson but has diabetes and doesn't take care of himself. Has already blacked out before and one time it was while driving. Definitely won't let the baby go in the car with him.

AshleyDinKY · August 2015

Dear Lord, that sounds just like the problems with my mother! She wanted to take her out in the heat and walk her around ("I don't mind the heat," she says. Yeah, but the baby can't handle that!), let her sleep on her side ("We are right here," she says. "Nothing is going to happen." SIDS can happen in the blink of an eye!), and didn't think my scheduling was all that important. I fought with her for months, and was absolutey terrified to leave her alone with my baby. REMEMBER: she did raise a baby. It's been a whole, and she might be out of practice, but chances are, she still remembers the basics. Try scheduling a good chunk of time where she can be with the babies while you are there (on the pretense of taking a nap or have her come over to watch them for a few hours so that you can get some "chores" done). This will allow you to watch her behavior with them and gently correct any negative habits that you see. My mom now watches my baby at least two days a week, and while I don't agree with everything that she does, I at least know she is safe, and it eases my mind. She almost always sends me picture updates during the day, too, and that really helps. Good luck!

ZoeyRaeJames · August 2015

I don't have In Laws I have to worry about. My SO's parents passed, unfortunately, before I had the chance to ever meet them! However, my actual mother is this way! I don't trust her for other reasons. Reasons NOTHING like yours, to be honest. However, even as a soon to be mom, I'm very cautious of my mother. She seems to be very adamant about wanting to just completely try to "take over", each and every chance she gets! And has even said that she would take mine and me SOs baby all the time, so we won't ever have to worry about him or her being around! It's very frustrating, annoying, and aggravating. So, in some way, I feel your pain!

The best thing to do, is rely on those "Mama Bear" Instincts, and do what's right for YOU and YOUR babies!

kristyn831 · August 2015

Bottom line is that you need to be comfortable with whomever you leave your children with. If it upsets someone, then so be it, it's not their decision to make. I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. She absolutely cannot handle my LO and he's easy. He gets gas and she gets scared. She said she would "try" watching him when I went back to work and I said no. Her response was "but I'm his grandmother". I told her I'm his mother and I cannot be at work worried. My parents, on the other hand, can watch him while I run an errand, etc. She doesn't know they've watched him, but I'm not worried about offending her if she does know.

arquinn · August 2015

I feel like I could've (almost) written this post, except my in-laws live about 20 minutes away. My MIL has been very pushy about keeping my 9mo daughter and I'm not comfortable with it. My mother keeps her every day while we are at work so that is part of the issue with her I think. My MIL has made several bad judgement calls and when we try to correct her she gets horribly offended and rolls her eyes. After asking her not to do things, she's replied with "I'd do it if you weren't here". I've caught her trying to sneak tea to my daughter when she was 5 mos old after we had repeatedly told her we don't want her having caffeine at such a young age. She puts my husband in the middle but thankfully he's supported me through this. No matter what people have told me "she wouldn't let anything happen to her" etc I still have this horrible anxiety associated with the thought of leaving my daughter with her. I don't know what to do to keep from causing drama or hurting feelings in the family, but my MIL has brought this on herself. She can't say and do the things she has done and then wonder why I don't trust her with my heart and soul (my daughter).

jenna6301 · August 2015

I'm totally in the same boat...if my husband wasn't the only boy, I'd question if you and I were talking about the same people. But my in laws both smoke pot, so I WILL NOT allow my DD to stay there. One day I needed to breastfeed my LO at their home and my MIL suggested I use her room, when I turned on the ceiling fan it wreaked of weed and I saw that there was a newly smoked joint in an ashtray on the nightstand. They say that they'd never do anything to put LO in any harm but my gut tells me to beware. I feel for everyone who has to deal with such a stressor.

breakinginsanity · August 2015

We have a similar situation here. Not quite as bad thankfully as my mil is more soft spoken/introverted than I am! I/we have no issues leaving our 8mo with my mother, whom I am very close with and trust her completely. However the thought of leaving her alone with his mom is just not in my foreseeable future. Thankfully my husband is on the same page since she has not been around babies for quite a while. I find it funny how visiting his parents wasn't a huge deal until the baby came, but that's besides the point

She will say just bout every time things like "let me know when you want to get out I'll watch her..." We just say "ok" and change the subject or whatnot. I feel bad on one hand because I know my daughter senses my frustration (she cries in their arms for me and the like), but I am going to do what I feel is best for my daughter. It's crazy how your attitude towards situations change when you have a kid. You become that person you never thought you would because in your mind now who cares if you look crazy or are being "mean." You are going to do what you need to do ultimately for that spawn of yours! So try not to feel bad as hard as it is and just change the subject when it comes up if you can. They will live and you will feel less stress from letting them down than if you were to go against your inner voice. And knowing you are not alone will hopefully help as well!

nousernamehere · August 2015

1. Congrats on surviving the first few weeks with twins!

2. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds very stressful and similar to what I suspect my MIL will be like in a few weeks :-/. The forgetfulness especially would make me worried. When my sister had a baby my mom took a class for grandparents - I think a lot of it covered regulatory standards that had changed since her generation was parents (SIDS etc.) and I think just generally reminded them how fragile newborns are (I think grandparents get a little naive on this because they remember how durable their kids were when they were older. At least, that's why I really hope she wants to take them out in that kind of heat)

Alternately, maybe the next time they are in town you could leave your babies with her AND your mom so that she still gets her grandma bonding time but she's still supervised. You could always say it's because they are at a stage/age where your mom felt overwhelmed being alone with both of them so you thought it might be a good idea to have both of them around....

Otherwise the only other thing I can think of is seeing if she would respond well/ you would be comfortable to having some sort of date in mind when you would be comfortable leaving them with her. Even if it's a many months away, maybe you could say something like "oh that sounds great. Once they are x months old and have xyz I will definitely take you up on that."

Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband are making the decisions that is best for the 4 of you. good luck!

marciemoose1 · September 2015

Follow your gut!!! I don't understand why people think that they are helping when they tell a new mom to leave there baby. I'm sorry but if they want to spend time with the baby they will have to understand that's it's not easy to just leave. Especially if your trying to breastfeed. And how is that helping the entire time your away all your doing is thinking about baby. They think they are helping but it adds more stress then one needs!!! My MIL thought it was a smart idea to come visit for 3 months starting before the baby was born. Luckily she went home early. I just think people don't realize or just choose to not remember how stressful it was when they had there babies.

camillaandcarson · September 2015

Trust your instincts on this. Learn to find out a way you can respond back to her pushiness as she isn't respecting your boundaries as a family. She means well and is important to your children, husband, and your family so do be nice and respectful of course. But it needs to be addressed as it doesn't always get better as the babies grow, in fact, she can become more pushy resulting in lots of undo stress on your entire little family. There are a couple books on boundaries and in particular in-laws that might help as you navigate this issue.

MamaSky · September 2015

I have a similar situation. Very annoying when people facade something they are DYING to do as a favor for YOU. That's so irritating. I think you need to trust your instinct and stick to what you're comfortable with. Oh well if she's jealous of your mom. YOU'RE the mom and of course you'd be more trusting with your own mom. My DS's grandmom on my SO's side is constantly trying to come over/ be all over my LO. She's very "observant" of when my mom gets to see my DS and she makes sure to hold it against me and my SO. he's not very supportive of me but he's learning that that's not a choice. Good luck! I'm glad you're moving away soon

jharrison119 · September 2015

stand your ground! it's your baby's safety on the line esp since your daughter is delicate. Maybe start with baby steps and run to the store for a total of 30 mins. Or take a stroll with your husband for 15 mins so you're close and less worries! Just start off small and if she improves you guys can give her more responsibility and they will be older as you give her more responsibility.

Knottie1442268460 · September 2015

sschwege said:

siempre595 said:

They live out of state, but have been visiting several times already. We are moving closer but still 7 hours away. So when they come to see them they are in our home. I can't "go over" to their house because of the distance. It's more they want to come and then tell us to leave our home and they will do the babysitting. Mostly it's MIL, I don't think FIL really cares, he just goes with the flow.
Yesterday she called and said that "when we come for Labor Day we will watch them and you two go out for the whole evening." it was like a command. My husband said no we did not have any plans for that day/evening and we will have JUST moved into our new house and will probably be tired and the babies will be acclimating to the new place, we won't be leaving them for long dates just yet. This is all true, but feels like we are making some excuses to avoid the inevitable "we are not leaving you with them alone for awhile...or ever."

SIGH

You said you are moving, which is going to be a lot of work as you well know. We moved 3 weeks before DS2 was born and it was exhausting. Perhaps you could say something like, "That's such a kind offer, but what we really want to focus on is getting our stuff unpacked and getting settled. Maybe you could come and be in charge of the babies while we get stuff done around the house." That way you are there, but sort of leaving them to care for the babies under your supervision. Plus you have help which you are almost certainly going to want. Good luck!

Perfect response! It was great for me to be able to shower when MIL came over to hold our preemie. She was too scared because of how delicate our baby is. But this was helpful and she got sort of alone time.

NurseRieger · September 2015

Why does MIL want to be alone with babies? Why can't she just come visit and enjoy them while you are there? That's what I would be asking. We don't speak to my MIL but if we did I'm sure I'd be in the same boat. Stand your ground and never go against your better judgement, especially for the sake of not offending someone

siempre595 · September 2015

We have since moved since my original post. (side note: i do not recommend moving with 3 month old twins and a dog...hell).

My in laws came about a week later. My father in law was helpful with unpacking and assembling things. My mother in law tries to be helpful watching the babies, feeding, etc. But she just cannot follow instructions. It's still very frustrating. I've told her things like "my daughter prefers to be held upright, not horizontal, esp to feed, sit her up please." we hear her screaming, come into the room, she has her laying down trying to feed her. I reiterate, "she really wants to be held up, sitting up to eat please, sitting up after eating, keep her up until about 30 minutes after she eats." It happens again. I finally just told my husband "she can't be left alone with her." she does ok with my son, although he could probably eat cardboard and stand on his head he wouldn't know the difference (thank God one is easy!)

She continues to tell us to leave and go out. Again they are coming this weekend, it's my husband's birthday and she's told him "go plan a dinner out and we will watch the babies." Well, we have the babies going to bed now around 730, so even if we did go out to dinner after that, they would just be sleeping, so she wouldn't really be getting her "quality alone time with them". She's very odd about wanting alone time with people. She does that with both my husband and brother in law, she says things like "we need to go on a walk and have private conversations now; we need to have alone time" I assume she means without me around or for my brother in law without his serious girlfriend around. I just roll my eyes. My husband goes to appease her and he says she just says things like "how are things going? do you need us to help you out more? (I think she means spend more time here, not help financially as she knows we are covered there). He said most the time the conversation is crap, she'll say things like "do you remember Bob from down the street, Bob had a stroke." He's like "I don't even know who Bob is." And that goes on for like an hour before she's satisfied that they've had a "private bonding conversation". I guess she wants to tell the babies about Bob without me overhearing??

Who knows. She's a little weird and has been getting weirder as time goes on. She's very "into" her family closeness, it has to be a formal "we are close, we have private bonding coversations" type thing, not just hanging out and talking like normal people.

My husband and I just decided though that until we are both 100% comfortable leaving the babies with someone we just won't do it. We have a night nanny a few nights a week who is awesome and she is going to watch them an evening next week for us so we can go out for a few hours. I'm hoping the in laws don't hear about this somehow (like DH slips and says something, that's happened before), but if so I'm planning to just say "she's a professional who has been taking care of them quite frequently with us around, you'll need to have more time with them with us around before we feel they can be left in your care alone, I'm sorry if that offends you but that's how we feel. Their safety is our priority." I'm sure she will be very upset if it comes to htat. But there is just nothing I can do about it. If we feel she is forgetful, I just can't leave them alone with her. Twin infants are VERY demanding.

NurseRieger · September 2015

Ask your husband if she was always like this. It sounds like it could be a short term memory issue rather than just old lady stubbornness. From everything you have said it sounds like she needs to be worked up for delerium/dementia. If this is a recent change for her the whole family should get involved and make sure she sees a doctor. Confusion/forgetfulness can be caused by something else that can be corrected. Or maybe she's just get kooky but it's worth discussing if this is a personality change for her.

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