FTM.. have you had your mental freak out yet?

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

Hey guys,

Just wanted to see how everyone is doing, mostly FTM like myself, with realizing we're going to be moms. I was getting lunch today and there was a toddler running around and screaming.. and suddenly I had my first "holy crap, how am i going to deal with that?" mental freak out. Maybe it's the hormones but i got really panicked and start doubting all my parental capabilities. On top of this, I've also been feeling really out of my depth because we're starting to really get into the registry and i have no idea what half of these things do or what they're for. I know all knowledge comes with experience but even though i think i can do this, sometimes it starts feeling really scary when reality sets in. Anyone else feeling like this as the weeks go on and we're now pretty much halfway there?

ETA: STM and so on moms.. any advice for overcoming these freak outs and doubts that you found useful?

strlitemiss · September 2015

Umm I've managed to keep a munchkin alive for 2 years and I still doubt my parenting abilities, but my son is pretty awesome so I must be doing something right.

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

strlitemiss said:
Umm I've managed to keep a munchkin alive for 2 years and I still doubt my parenting abilities, but my son is pretty awesome so I must be doing something right.

Lol true. I guess its always just kinda a leap of faith no matter how old they are. I guess it just is really hitting me this is gonna be happening sooner rather than later now.

SoSirius · September 2015

They gradually get more mobile so you get some time to adjust. It's hard and you'll have very difficult days/weeks but then he'll learn to smile, giggle, play Peek-a-Boo, crawl, walk, hide, say "UH OH," and those moments make all the insanity go away for a bit.

Don't be stuck in wanting to do things how you pictured you would otherwise you'll be very disappointed. Don't judge other moms who do things differently as long as their child is safe. Kids are all different so you may have a baby who is more high maintainence or one that is laid back. Some methods work for one mom and not another. Keep asking for advice with an own mind. Let people know if you don't want to hear advice but be nice about it. Don't try to be a one woman show. If you have an SO, let him take in responsibilities even if he doesn't do things the way you would. You'll stress yourself out if you need to be in control of everything all the time.

SoSirius · September 2015

Oh and be consistent in whatever you do!

hlmdeck · September 2015

A friend of mine with 3 kids just told me that no one has it totally figured out. She said she is still flying by the seat of her pants, and that every kid is different so even when you think you have one figured out the second will turn all of your expectations upside-down. She said every day is challenging, but the most rewarding thing in the world. Its great to hear from her because she looks like she is one of those moms that makes it all look so easy, like she has it all figured out. Almost a relief to know she is figuring it out as she goes just like everyone else.

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

All very good advice so far. Thanks ladies you're definitely easing my mind! I totally get the part about never having it figured out too. Sometimes I just question how 'good' of a parent I'll be but I guess its just about remembering no one else has it all completely figured out either.

cantobean · September 2015

I definitely have periodic freak outs. I had many more in the first tri!

Like @hlmdeck said, I figure nobody is perfect, every kid is different, and my best will just have to be good enough! I'm too worried about keeping it alive to worry about being the best mom ever or doing everything "right".

egraves4 · September 2015

I'm a server so I see a lot of kids that come in and out of our restaurant. When they scream, I just tell myself my kid will never be like that. And when they say please and thank you, I tell myself that my kid is totally going to be like that. I think I'm still in the denial phase hahaha.

brushesnbrunch · September 2015

When we had family dinner on Thursday night, I purposefully sat at the opposite end of the table from my nephews. Then it clicked, I have almost no experience with babies. What experience I do have, I would always hand them back to mom if they cried. I realized I can't do that anymore. I will be the one with the crying baby. Still freaking out about it.

camusoh2011 · September 2015

Not a first time mom, but I definitely have had my freak out moments with this pregnancy. Every so often I see a family with 3 kids who are just being awful and I get so nervous about that being us. We have 3 now and are having twins and all I can think about are public meltdowns and temper tantrums. So far we haven't had much like that from our 3, but twins is a whole new ballgame for us.

My best advice is to just stick to what works for your family. Ignore the people who are judging you (there will always be someone no matter what you do and how great your kid is being) and just take care of your family.

wisco29 · September 2015

egraves4 said:
I'm a server so I see a lot of kids that come in and out of our restaurant. When they scream, I just tell myself my kid will never be like that. And when they say please and thank you, I tell myself that my kid is totally going to be like that. I think I'm still in the denial phase hahaha.

Haha maybe depends on the day. Denial phase for sure...but even when it's your kid throwing a fit you either just ignore it or feel like the worse parent in the store. Just remind yourself that the perfect looking kid in the aisle next to you probably screamed at home earlier or something.

slthomp92 · September 2015

I started babysitting/nannying at 12 and now I teach 7th grade, so dealing with kids' crap doesn't bother me. I can handle tantrums and liars and general brattiness.

What really bothers me, though, is how my parental decision making will be. What will my discipline choices teach her? How much independence can I give her before my micro-managing, worrywart heart takes over? How do I need to make decisions in order to 1) turn her into a good person and 2) help her build the life she wants for herself. THAT scares the hell out of me and I'm afraid I won't be able to do it.

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

I think we all have the "oh that won't be my child" denial phase because we have to tell ourselves little falsities to reassure ourselves. I've done it so many time with my nephew but at the end of the day my kid could be just like him. But all these stories and tips are definitely making me feel not so alone in this. My DH is very laid back and its hard sometimes to relate to his way of thinking.

jillnj · September 2015

FTM here...def had freak out moments from thinking about little things ('how will I cut his nails? What if I hurt him?!') to bigger things ('what if he hates me and I'm a terrible mom?!'). I think these things have a way of working themselves out and if not, there is always support from others. I think the more I think I need to know everything or do things perfectly, the more anxious I feel. Just going to trust my instincts and ask for help from friends and family.

mcklough · September 2015

jillnj said:
FTM here...def had freak out moments from thinking about little things ('how will I cut his nails? What if I hurt him?!') to bigger things ('what if he hates me and I'm a terrible mom?!'). I think these things have a way of working themselves out and if not, there is always support from others. I think the more I think I need to know everything or do things perfectly, the more anxious I feel. Just going to trust my instincts and ask for help from friends and family.

I learned from a mom of one of the babies I nannied for that it's actually easier to bite babies nails so you don't cut them. Haha I only did it twice when he got hang nails because mom did it when she was home but she was right

skschnake · September 2015

I feel ya girly! I had a horrible freak out Saturday when I was folding laundry.... Just busted out crying. How am I going to do this? How are we going to get the things we need for baby? How am I going to manage the lack of sleep? I mean hello panic attack!

egraves4 · September 2015

brushesnbrunch said:

When we had family dinner on Thursday night, I purposefully sat at the opposite end of the table from my nephews. Then it clicked, I have almost no experience with babies. What experience I do have, I would always hand them back to mom if they cried. I realized I can't do that anymore. I will be the one with the crying baby. Still freaking out about it.

Love it, this is exactly how I am! I think I am almost scared to be around babies right now just because I feel like people are judging me extra hard to know exactly what to do since I'm going to have my own in 4 months! My SO grew up around kids, but I really didn't, so there's definitely a learning curve there. A good friend of mine was the same way and she said it just comes naturally.

DnSil · September 2015

I've felt the same way pretty frequently. I felt overwhelmed by the registry, so I just asked a really good friend who's a mom to a 2 year old, with similar interests and opinions. She told me everything to get and why, so I'm free to take her advice or leave it. But it's taken a lot of the thinking and analyzing out of the equation for me.

salixjoy38 · September 2015

I definitely go through freak out phases. I think I was always ready to have a baby, but the idea of an actual child that thinks/acts/needs/wants all on its own terrifies me. At least they get there slowly and in phases. We are the first of our closest friends to start on the kids train and it makes everyone want to talk to us about where they are at all the time. Saturday night I had a bit of a panic thinking that I am just as not-ready as all my friends and what are we thinking!

But really I am stoked we are taking this step so it will all come with time I guess.

MississippiCatfish · September 2015

The other day, we stopped to say hello to a coworker of my husbands who just moved to the neighborhood. Every time I put down my one year old, he darted straight for the power saw in his garage. Meanwhile, my almost three year old was pulling down his pants and running around with them at his ankles (first time. He doesn't even undress himself when we're changing...). He was like, "So you're expecting a third?" And without thinking I responded, "yeah, well we figure we have it so well under control now, why not!??"

There are lots of trying and embarrassing moments. We still don't have it all figured out, but we know we do a darn good job. Sometimes that means not going out to eat even though you'd love to, because your kids just aren't there. why set them up to fail if you know that it's overstimulating? You can only place so much blame on the screaming kid if you already know they don't do well in that situation, ya know? (We went out this week for the first time in six months.) And yes, I know sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to live your life. I thought I'd be one of those moms that just totes my kids along to wherever I want to go from the beginning so that's all they know and they'll be fine with it. But alas, that's just not their personalities. I'm legit praying that the third might be a little more on that side of the spectrum though...

MississippiCatfish · September 2015

It won't less me add a picture to my first post, but I'll just say, check these dudes out. They make it so worth it, little stinkers. Sometimes it helps me to look at the (silent) cuteness in pictures to remember all the actual craziness is okay.

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

phew, so glad im not alone in thinking like this!!

thank you all so much for the responses, especially the tip about how to cut babies nails, that's one i'm not going to forget!

@MississippiCatfish aw they're so cute! i know it'll all be worth it when i see that cute cubby face smile back at me too.

ashton2190 · September 2015

salixjoy38 said:
I definitely go through freak out phases. I think I was always ready to have a baby, but the idea of an actual child that thinks/acts/needs/wants all on its own terrifies me. At least they get there slowly and in phases. We are the first of our closest friends to start on the kids train and it makes everyone want to talk to us about where they are at all the time. Saturday night I had a bit of a panic thinking that I am just as not-ready as all my friends and what are we thinking!

But really I am stoked we are taking this step so it will all come with time I guess.

This was always my thought. I think I can handle a baby because honestly, as long as you feed them, keep them clothed and in clean diapers, you're good. I can't believe I'm going to be responsible for bringing up a tiny human and giving them all of their morals and values. So terrifying!

SoSirius · September 2015

@MississippiCatfish, I just love seeing pictures of brothers. So cute together.

@g0lightly8706, that can be a good way to spread germs so just wash up after! We use the Piyo scissors. While he's BFing was a good time when he was little. Sleeping is good too. After that you'll need some distractions :-)

I want to add that how well you do with other children can mean nothing with your own! I'm an elementary school teacher and it gives me some advantages in terms of knowing developmental things and some options for activities, discipline, etc. Dealing with your own baby is still very different. Also, DH couldn't even hold a baby before we had ours and suddenly he was swaddling, changing diapers, and comforting our son on day 1 at the hospital. That won't happen to everyone but it is different than dealing with other kids!

blueberrymomma · September 2015

So ironic that op posted this because I totally had a STM freak out today. We are definatly in the terrible twos, trying to potty train, second year molars coming in. So in the middle a store having a meltdown I was like "can I really handle two? What am I getting into?"

tumblefluff · September 2015

STM and there are days I say to myself "What were you thinking!?"

lokelove · September 2015

For those FTMs who are the type that avoid children, never really had a desire to hold an infant, sit across the table from from their nephews, etc., I just have to say that it's totally different than having your own child.

I'd never consider myself a "kid" person but I'm definitely a "my kid" person.

trishkev07 · September 2015

@lokelove I certainly hope that's the case!! I love my nephew but I only have him over about once every other month. Sometimes I just look at my husband and I'm like, do we even like kids? I mean really? They're ok but, yeesh! All that work! I'm excited to be a mom and I already love my baby, I just hope that I'll also be more of a "my kid" person as well

Latina211508 · September 2015

I'm pregnant with my fourth baby. My kids are 6.5, 4.5 and my youngest will turn 3 in Nov. I never had a real freak out moment, I guess things came pretty natural to me. Just take things as they come, don't compare your kids to other kids and don't expect them to be a certain way. Every child/baby is different and that's ok. All of my kids are different and have completely different personalities. Big thing with me is schedule and routines, especially when they're younger. I work around it to make things easier and just because you know your own child. Having your own children is different. Handle things the best you can and what you feel is right for your child. I know I'm still learning and I learn new things all the time. I think that it is just experience and it never stops as your children get older. You find out what works for you and your child quickly. It's trial and error lol.

ashcody2 · September 2015

Yes, I can say before I had my son I had actually never even changed a diaper - first one was in the hospital! We never did any prenatal classes or anything and I had a very easy, breezy delivery/recovery but not everyone's will be like that. I plan on taking the breastfeeding class for sure this time to refresh and also I didn't really like children before becoming pregnant (and actually don't really like others besides my own, yikes!)

It really just comes pretty natural if you ask me, you will eventually learn the difference between their tired, wet, hungry cries and that makes it so much easier.

AlmJlcBaby1 · September 2015

Yes! Mine was after watching a birth video.. The woman had a tear and I was like ahh!! I can't do this! I'm 4'10" and 100 pounds at 18 weeks pregnant.
My SO was a 10 pound baby..

brushesnbrunch · September 2015

lokelove said:

For those FTMs who are the type that avoid children, never really had a desire to hold an infant, sit across the table from from their nephews, etc., I just have to say that it's totally different than having your own child. I'd never consider myself a "kid" person but I'm definitely a "my kid" person.

I'm terrified of breaking one...

chitownparent · September 2015

I'm going to be a FTM and I'm freaking out all the time. Freaking out about money, childcare, potential loss (my younger sister had a stillbirth at 19 weeks--I'll be 18 tomorrow), schools, MONEY, discipline, holidays, sleep, relatives, the aftermath of my cooch, MONEY (did I mention money?). When I get overwhelmed, I make a list of all of the crazy things that I've already been through,from unemployment, breakups, job losses, bad jobs (worse than the one I have now), and I think having a baby will actually be okay and may give me a better perspective on some of those things that are occupying too much of my mind right now, like money. I just hope it is true. I'm also worried about becoming lame. Frequently, if I see an over-attached mom on TV or the news, I roll my eyes. Of course I'm going to love my child, but I hope I am able to maintain my own sense of self, separate from my new daughter. If people like us didn't say "I'm going to be different" and "my kid will be different", there would probably be no procreation.

Kimbarbour08 · September 2015

I've had some little internal freak outs, but nothing huge yet . . . still waiting for that! I think it helps that we planned this, but I still have moments where the reality sets in and I'm like "Oh my God what if I can't do this? What if I'm a terrible mom?" but then I breathe and feel Malachi kick a few times and feel a little better

Katty422 · September 2015

I would not watch birth movies. That would so freak me out too! Judging by your height and weight I'd be really suprised if you have a 10 lb baby. I signed up for birth classes I hope they don't show that movie.

AlmJlcBaby1 said:
Yes! Mine was after watching a birth video.. The woman had a tear and I was like ahh!! I can't do this! I'm 4'10" and 100 pounds at 18 weeks pregnant.
My SO was a 10 pound baby..

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

chitownparent said:
If people like us didn't say "I'm going to be different" and "my kid will be different", there would probably be no procreation.

Truer words have never been spoken lol

chitownparent · September 2015

Did anyone watch Life in Pieces last night on CBS? The first time parents on that show were hilarious. My husband and I were both like !#$! I didn't know THAT happens when you give birth!

g0lightly8706 · September 2015

chitownparent said:
Did anyone watch Life in Pieces last night on CBS? The first time parents on that show were hilarious. My husband and I were both like !#$! I didn't know THAT happens when you give birth!

I haven't heard of this show but may check it out now!

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