Good for her. Not for me.

stephanienjer · September 2015

I've been following the boards for a little while now, and have participated some.

Over Christmas last year, I read Amy Poehler's book, "Yes, Please," and one of the things she says in it really sticks out in my mind when I'm rumbling around on here.

GOOD FOR HER. NOT FOR ME.

Meaning: Just because some other mom is doing something, doesn't mean you have to do it. It's admirable that someone else does it, but there is no shame in NOT doing that same thing.

So....

Without anyone shaming or scolding, I want to know what you are NOT doing with your little one when they come. You know there's that one thing that everybody says you have to do, and you're like, "Ummm, no. No. Not doing that."

I'll go first:

We will not be co-sleeping. I can see the benefits of this, but we have a strict no-kids policy in our bed that has helped our marriage substantially (and not to fool around--just for mom and dad bonding time.) Additionally, I am a thrasher, and my husband has rolled over on top of me in his sleep accidentally dozens of time. We are also pillow/blanket tossers, so even a cosleeper is a no-go for us. So...If you co-sleep with your baby, good for you. Not for me.

Who else wants to share?

Snoopylovesbelle · September 2015

There's a lot of things I said I wouldnt do with DD but plans and expectations don't always work out. Go with the flow and you will be a lot less stressed and less likely to engage in the mommy wars.

SummerFall03 · September 2015

We won't be co-sleeping at all either. I sleep trained my kids, once they got to a certain age, and I have fantastic sleepers! BUT I have heard of others who did do co-sleeping who had no issues at all. I just found sleep training worked for us in the past so I will 100% do it again.

One thing I didn't get to do with my last kids was breast feed. I am determined to breast feed/pump this time around! I had twins and didn't produce at all last time, so I'm hoping I can get things moving with the one baby this time.

ntyravgsp · September 2015

Snoopylovesbelle said:
There's a lot of things I said I wouldnt do with DD but plans and expectations don't always work out. Go with the flow and you will be a lot less stressed and less likely to engage in the mommy wars.

This. And even though I'll be a STM I have to keep reminding myself that this LO is not a carbon copy of DD - things that worked for her might not this time around, and things that didn't work just might.

mesamyt · September 2015

I will not be doing new born photos. I'm sorry but I don't like seeing babies posed in ridiculous outfits or with ginormous flowers on their heads. It's not for me.

gcolon7988 · September 2015

I WILL be getting an epidural. I'm tired of hearing "but don't you want try natural first?" um, what is so unnatural about wanting some relief from contractions? I hear they're not too pleasant! Haha. More power to you if you can do it, it's just not for me.

starree444 · September 2015

I will not be cosleeping in the bed. I will have her in our room for the first month or so as my mother will be here and I don't want her to have to be woken by the baby at night. Or maybe I do, I don't know hahaha

apinkpelican · September 2015

Snoopylovesbelle said:
There's a lot of things I said I wouldnt do with DD but plans and expectations don't always work out. Go with the flow and you will be a lot less stressed and less likely to engage in the mommy wars.

This. Have a baby then report back to us and tell us all of the things you did that you said you'd never do. Don't be so strict on yourself. Research all you can and then mix it in with your real life and what works for you. Set goals, not rigid guidelines so if you do happen to give into your rules you won't feel judged by yourself or like you are a failure.

jrouge12 · September 2015

I hate to say I'll never do anything but DH and I agree that we don't want to give into tantrums about not wanting to eat what's put in front of our kid. Learn to try everything!

SummerFall03 · September 2015

jrouge12 said:

I hate to say I'll never do anything but DH and I agree that we don't want to give into tantrums about not wanting to eat what's put in front of our kid. Learn to try everything!

You say this now... hahaha! I am currently dealing with this, and I've been to the point where my kids are crying, I'm crying, I just want them to eat, so they end up getting toast and peanut butter. It doesn't happen very often but sometimes you get desperate.

ChrissyD1203 · September 2015

No co-sleeping for me (because of my own personal anxiety), no baby newborn photos (I get weirded out by them for some reason), and no showering with baby in the shower with me (my uncle used to do this with my nephew when he was first learning to shower and it made me feel really uncomfortable). Other than that, I'm in a try everything mode.

kmo8986 · September 2015

No LO sleeping in our room. She will go in her crib first night home from the hospital. I WILL be getting an epidural because there is not medal for not getting relief from pain, and I won't be keeping my son home from daycare when I have a newborn.

chillmama1518 · September 2015

I loooooove the sentiment of the Amy Poehler chapter OP is presenting.
For those of you saying "just wait and see what you do" or something to that effect, I don't think that's what OP meant.
The GOOD FOR HER. NOT FOR ME. refers to appreciating, respecting and being happy for other women's choices but knowing that those choices are not something we're up to personally.
For instance, all the mama's out there cloth diapering: you go mama!! What a great choice for the environment, your budget etc. all the power to you! I respect and kinda envy your dedication to cloth diapering, I'd kinda love to, but I KNOW I can't make it fit into my life. It's just NOT FOR ME. But, GOOD FOR YOU!!!

The book's chapter on this is all about NOT subscribing to mommy wars. It's "you do what works for you, I'll do what works for me, and we won't judge each other: we'll be happy for each other embracing mommyhood the best way we each know how!!"

Do your thing, mama's!!! I appreciate and respect your ways

:):)

Emott13 · September 2015

I honestly have a very go-with-the-flow parenting style, I think. We don't have a hard and fast "will not do" list. Especially because, as PP said, I am constantly trying to remind myself that LO will not be the exact same baby as DD and so things will change. We've had a lot of trial and error with DD and I think holding myself to a "NO WAY" list would have just made things more stressful.

That being said, I do try my hardest not to spend lots of money on things for DD (and LO when s/he comes). We wanted an exercise saucer and a jumper and we found them hardly used at garage sales for less than $5 each, same with her stroller and high chair. We have standard radio monitors for DD, no fancy video screen or anything. We have standard generic-brand swaddling blankets, no fancy hemp or whatever the fad is these days. I bought some Avent bottles because they were on sale, 3 bottles and 2 pacifiers for $10... I just don't see the point in spending hundreds of dollars on things that have cheaper options, especially because most likely DD and LO will remember nothing of them. I always make sure that what I get secondhand is not expired or recalled or anything like that, so it's perfectly safe. If you can afford that, good for you. But it's not for me.

MrsB915 · September 2015

@SummerFall03 dh and I had this same conversation last night at the dinner table! We did BLW and ds has been a terrific eater but I have noticed that lately if I put something unfamiliar in front of him he will barley touch it to his lips then hand it back to me. He refused to eat his dinner last night and we ended up giving him toast so he didn't go to bed hungry. I refuse to be a short order cook but also worry about nutrition. Plus he's only 18 months. When did you put your foot down? Was there a certain age when they understood the choice or have you always? This was the first meal he flat out refused.

OP we don't cosleep, aside from the first few months in the bassinet. I won't feed my baby mush, we will do BLW again. I won't let others guilt me into making decisions about my children that I'm not comfortable with. I won't cloth diaper, I envy all of you who can make it work but I can't. I won't have an epidural. Going without made me feel like a stronger woman than before labor making it even more worth it for me.

All that said, I also won't be closed minded to new ideas and will adjust to meet my baby's needs.

SummerFall03 · September 2015

@MrsB915, I'm actually struggling with food right now! Even if it's something they are used to or usually like, they sometimes won't eat it. It has been really bad with my guys in the last month I would say, and they are almost 3 years old. I've been on pinterest all week looking up different menus, coordinating with daycare to feed them the opposite of what they have at lunch at school - it has been exhausting! Last night we had a bit of a breakthrough, and I feel like I might get flamed for this. I bought a bunch of stickers and brought them home. I told my boys if they ate all of their dinner, they could have some stickers to do a craft. They actually went for it! I am not a huge fan of this kind of rewarding, because you don't always get rewarded things in life, but I am incredibly worried about their nutrition as well. I figure it will at least introduce them to new foods, and once they are like "hey this is great!" then I can start to limit the stickers.

It's hard to put your foot down sometimes. I have had nights where they have screamed for over an hour because they just don't want what I am giving them. I rarely cave, unless I'm genuinely concerned. I'm hoping this sticker thing keeps them eating throughout this picky phase they are going through

stephanienjer · September 2015

gcolon7988 said:

I WILL be getting an epidural. I'm tired of hearing "but don't you want try natural first?" um, what is so unnatural about wanting some relief from contractions? I hear they're not too pleasant! Haha. More power to you if you can do it, it's just not for me.

If they could knock me out like it was 1960, and hand me a baby when I wake up, I would totally be fine with it. So epidural it is for me.

ntyravgsp · September 2015

bev4242 said:
I loooooove the sentiment of the Amy Poehler chapter OP is presenting.
For those of you saying "just wait and see what you do" or something to that effect, I don't think that's what OP meant.
The GOOD FOR HER. NOT FOR ME. refers to appreciating, respecting and being happy for other women's choices but knowing that those choices are not something we're up to personally.

I don't think anyone advising to "wait and see" misunderstood the message of the OP, or the spirit of the Amy Poehler chapter she brought up.
There are some things you know for certain you aren't comfortable with before having a baby, and there are other things you really can't gauge your comfort level on until you're faced with that situation. And then there are things you may even end up changing your mind on.
It's okay to not have an opinion or preordained decision for everything. It's okay to not have an answer now.
And it's a heck of a lot easier to not feel guilty if you do end up doing something you didn't think was right for you, if you don't have it on the "never doing that" list in the first place.

ashs88 · September 2015

*Mad Men spoiler alert, kind of*

Haha, @stephanienjer! My husband and I are actually binge watching Mad Men right now and just this week watched the episode where Betty gives birth. Before watching that I never knew that they used to knock women out for the birth!

stephanienjer · September 2015

I feel like I need to clarify a little. I love that each mom has their own choices, and I know that the "baby industry" is constantly shoving things down our throats--new products that you will die without! Additionally, we're constantly bombarded on all sides with old wives' tales, well-meaning but misguided advice, and the like.

In the last few days, even though none of it has been directed toward me personally, or my posts, I've been sad at all of the attacking I've read because of things people are or aren't doing. Everything from knowing the gender, to taking vitamins (and which kind is the ABSOLUTE ONLY KIND TO TAKE,) diet, and even people seeking just some commiseration being yelled at for asking about their symptoms. (We all have doctors, but sometimes it's nice to just have someone that's gone through the same thing--without all the medical jargon.)

I know that I've felt so supported, and I want people to have a safe place to share. By no means does this require a signature or a lifetime commitment. I'm really pragmatic, and I don't necessarily believe everything I read or hear (does this have to do with my so-called "advanced age?"), but I really hope that others are taking things the same way.

I never wanted this to become anything other than a fun post where people could kind of get things off their chest without being judged. (And thank you all for not judging each other on this post.)

mamaksweez · September 2015

When I was pregnant with dd I said absolutely no co sleeping. My brother and a friend of mine co slept with their kids and they have horrible sleepers.
When dd was born we started her in her crib every night, but by 3am I could not get out of bed any more so I'd bring her in bed with me. Co sleeping in those wee hours of the morning were my FAVORITE!!!
It didn't last long. When baby was 4 months we started sleep training and we have a great sleeper.

chillmama1518 · September 2015

ntyravgsp said:

bev4242 said:
I loooooove the sentiment of the Amy Poehler chapter OP is presenting.
For those of you saying "just wait and see what you do" or something to that effect, I don't think that's what OP meant.
The GOOD FOR HER. NOT FOR ME. refers to appreciating, respecting and being happy for other women's choices but knowing that those choices are not something we're up to personally.
I don't think anyone advising to "wait and see" misunderstood the message of the OP, or the spirit of the Amy Poehler chapter she brought up.
There are some things you know for certain you aren't comfortable with before having a baby, and there are other things you really can't gauge your comfort level on until you're faced with that situation. And then there are things you may even end up changing your mind on.
It's okay to not have an opinion or preordained decision for everything. It's okay to not have an answer now.
And it's a heck of a lot easier to not feel guilty if you do end up doing something you didn't think was right for you, if you don't have it on the "never doing that" list in the first place.

I didn't mean to ruffle any feathers

I totally agree that there are a huge number of decisions that we may completely change our minds on once our babies are here and we see how things are at that time. It's only setting yourself up for feeling disappointed or like you've failed if you commit to something so wholeheartedly and then feel like you want to change your mind! I absolutely agree!

I just really wanted to emphasize the part about when you personally decide to do or not do something that is different than someone else that neither mom is wrong! Both are doing what they feel is best for their own situation! In an attempt to end the mommy wars it's just best I we all can accept each mom's decisions without judgement. That's all I meant

mamaksweez · September 2015

I just saw this and it reminded me of this post:
https://www.scarymommy.com/different-parents-than-we-thought/

holocene · September 2015

I will take time for myself, to nurture myself as an individual, and not just their mother. I will not feel threatened or judged by others opinions on my decisions to birth at home with a midwife, or to breastfeed into toddlerhood, or to donate my breast milk, or to cosleep, or to cloth diaper. And I will be gracious and non judgemental when others make different parenting choices than me.

maddisonwallace · September 2015

This is probably not going to be flame free, because there's a lot of controversy around it. But I have a lot of respect for the moms who have chosen not to circumcise their boys. I think their heart is totally in the right place. Good for them. Not for me. My husband and I have talked about it (pros and cons) and socially, hygienically, and medically based off of research that we have done personally, we will circumcise our little guy. My husband was glad his mom did it, and my dad wishes that his parents had done it but they did not because he had other serious health complications at birth and it wasn't good for them at that time. So for my personal family, it's best for us to do it.

Mommyduclos · September 2015

I swore I'd never co sleep and boy do I. My kids have high touch needs and sleep 1000x better next to me. I'm talking full nights sleep with occasional booby switches vs waking every 30 min for 2 hours. You do what works for you and your child.

BarrettJ89 · September 2015

I absolutely will not use cloth diapers. I don't have the stomach for it. I praise those who can do it, and totally envy the money they save! But I'd barf...
I will not co-sleep. I'm too paranoid. Too many pillows and blankets, plus boyfriend and I are heavy sleepers who move too much.
I will absolutely suck it up and have this baby sleep in her crib, unlike my son who slept in his swing for 6+ months (bad idea).
I WILL get another epidural. Hello, liquid gold!
I will not do it all by myself. I will push myself to ask for help when I need it. Boyfriend's work schedule will change to odd hours before baby is born and with an 8-year old step daughter, a 1-year old (at the time of baby arriving), and the newborn, I'm gonna need help, whether I want to admit/ask for it or not!

aporcelainface · September 2015

We will also not be cosleeping. We have three dogs that sleep in our bed and untraining them to not do that would actually be way harder than to have a bassinet in the bedroom.

Cloth diapering is another one. Not into it. It's cute but just, no.

There are a few others I said I wouldn't do, but realistically will be flexible because truthfully, who knows.

l4rk · September 2015

I will not spend every living moment with my baby. I will leave little one with grandparents so I can go on a date, eat a fancy meal, or spend the night in a hotel with SO. My need to ditch my child isn't being a bad parent, it's about being a good one--I need my own time to recharge my brain so I can be in a good mental state when I am with baby. Taking care of myself will help me in turn take care of my child.

TinyDancer51510 · September 2015

ashs88 said:
*Mad Men spoiler alert, kind of*
Haha, @stephanienjer! My husband and I are actually binge watching Mad Men right now and just this week watched the episode where Betty gives birth. Before watching that I never knew that they used to knock women out for the birth!

I just found that out watching Masters of Sex! It kinda blew my mind.

nickicb7 · September 2015

I feel like because I'm having my first baby after seeing a lot of my friends have one, and two kids already, I am benefiting from things I have learned from them.

For example I'm not going to set myself up for failure by setting strict expectations for myself before I know what I'm getting into. For example, if like to deliver naturally, but if I can't I won't beat myself up for wanting an epidural. I want to breastfeed, but I won't hate myself if I struggle and it does not work. I realize I can assume all sorts of things now and things may change,

But a few things I do know for sure is, I will not co-sleep and I will not cloth diaper. Other than that. I will do the best I can to make the best decisions based on our family and circumstances.

BarrettJ89 · September 2015

@nickicb7 I agree whole-heartedly about the breastfeeding. I tried so damn hard with my son. He had an extremely lazy latch, my production sucked; you name it, it didn't work. And God, did I beat myself up about it. I had friends that had babies at the same time and it worked like a charm for them, which just made it harder.
My son has done juuuust fine on formula. I'll give breastfeeding another chance this time, but not going to stress out about it!

Lljbean · September 2015

Ours is with circumcision, too. We wont be, but we aren't those people that think it's genital mutilation or are going to drop 35 pamphlets on research we did, if we hear that others choose to do it. It just isn't for us. I don't think I will be doing my child a disservice by choosing not to and I don't think people that choose to are doing a disservice either. DH isn't circumcised and neither is our DS and neither have had any problems.

Other than that. There isn't much of anything I can say I know I absolutely will not do because like PP's have said raising a child, even as a STM, is ever evolving. Ive always been really laid back and open minded about things. so even as a FTM, I wanted to be knowledgeable about what my child was going through. but made sure I took things as they came. I think it caused way less stress and our kiddo is really well behaved and thriving. So, I hope Mama's just remember to breathe when things get rough because they're awesome. They made a human and stuff.

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