Feeling frustrated...and guilty at the same time.

gerbies · September 2015

I posted yesterday about how my father passed away unexpectedly 3 days ago. Not only is it devastating for the obvious reasons (losing my beloved father), but also considering I will be giving birth in 12 days or less and he will never know my son. And I'm too pregnant to travel to the service (they live in CA and I live in CT).

Before his death, my mother planned to come stay with me for a month after my husband went back to work (he is taking 2 weeks off). I spoke with my mother today and said that I understand she may want to postpone her trip (it would have been a month from now). She essentially said, "Yes, I will try to get the money back from the airline...maybe I'll come out in 2016, but only for a week." She and my father have two small dogs and she will not put them in a kennel for more than a week (my dad would have been with them for the month she originally planned to visit).

I didn't say anything, but I am tremendously hurt. Before my dad passed, she was super excited about this baby and couldn't wait to meet him. I know my mom just lost her husband and is emotional, but I don't understand why she would just decide she'll come out next year. I mean, she'll be alone from now on with my dad gone. Also note that this is typical of her...in terms of having "rules" and not being able to do for others outside of her rules.

She has NO access to social media...no e-mail, no facebook, nothing. My dad was that connection with her. She won't have any idea what our baby will look like, sound like, etc., until she decide she wants to come out for a week sometime next year. And I am not going to go out of my way to take pictures, have them printed and mailed.

I hope I don't sound bratty, but with the loss of my dad and now this, I feel so alone. I have my husband, but I was counting on my mom to be here.

leighann1 · September 2015

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Let me just say that while the grief is still fresh, your mother likely isn't thinking straight and will have no idea how she feels in a week, two weeks, or a month from now. Maybe ask her to hold off on deciding to change the tickets until the shock of losing her husband diminishes a bit? She may get past the whirlwind of funeral arrangements and whatnot and decide that she really needs to be with you.

I think it's too early for her to decide, honestly, but I can see that she might feel rushed to make a decision if your delivery is approaching quickly. Hugs to you

koriemo · September 2015

I agree- grief is tough. I have a feeling that in a month, she will want nothing more than to come be with you. Can you encourage her to stick to her plans? Is there another relative to watch the dogs? Could she bring the dogs with?

mollypuss1 · September 2015

My guess is your mother is more than just emotional, she is experiencing extreme grief and I doubt she is thinking straight. I personally wouldn't take to heart anything she says or does at the minute, people can say and do things completely out of character when grieving. What she is saying to you today may be completely different to what she says to you tomorrow. Give her and yourself time.

SarahAnne1101 · September 2015

I am so so sorry for your loss. i know that it can be really difficult to make decisions right after a loss. Maybe she could see if she could get a voucher for a flight later instead of a refund, and then she would be able to just use it when she felt ready. I agree with the PPs. After she gets past the initial shock and planning she may change her mind. Or maybe after all that, getting the call that your sweet baby has been born will change her mind.

CocoR04 · September 2015

I agree with everyone else about giving her some time. My sister passed away a year ago (my only sibling) and my mom said/did some crazy things in the weeks following her death. She probably doesn't even remember half of it. Once the service was over and my mom got over the initial shock, she started looking forward to things again. I got pregnant a few months later and she's been all about this baby ever since. People grieve in different ways and this might be her way of coping right now.

I can understand you feeling very alone right now. I would feel that way, too. I am so sorry for your loss at this very important time in your life.

ash413 · September 2015

Your mom just lost her husband unexpectedly. I would cut her some slack. Give her time to get through the funeral, and process her grief. I am sure that once your LO is born she will want to be involved and see you.
I wouldn't cut her off from pictures, again a lot of what she is doing is coming from grief. I am sure you will be taking lots of pictures, maybe you can upload them to shutterfly and have them send prints to your mom. It will take only a few min, and allow your mom to see your LO.

I am sorry for your loss.

dchiapella · September 2015

You were is daughter and the pain is devastating, and I cannot convey how sorry I am that you're going through this. But she was his wife which means that everyone is looking to her. They're looking to her to see how the family's holding up. They're looking to her for answers about the funeral or what ever kind of service will be held. Everyone is needing something from her and the person she would turn to in these times of grief and stress is no longer there for her. There's so much on her plate that she needs to process, she needs time. I know you're feeling hurt right now but I would still take the time to print off pictures and send them out to her. Show her that there's life and gain coming at this time of loss. You WANT her to process this correctly. The affects of not doing so when dealing with loss are indescribable in a very terrible way. And that goes for you, too. Make sure you take the time to grieve and to acknowledge the gravity of what's occurred. It's easy to put a different issue as a priority to help suppress the pain.

Again, I am very sorry for you loss.

Louisl · September 2015

Don't have much to add except to say I know how dealing with animal arrangements when traveling can be stressful especially for our empty nest parents whose pets are like their kids. So maybe finding new arrangements for the dogs is another thing that makes leaving town next month super overwhelming to her. Maybe, like others have said, don't put too much stock in what she's saying right now but do a little digging yourself to see if you can find another relative (or friend if you know her friends) who can take care of the dogs. I'm sure everyone around her will be more than willing to step up and help in any way possible right now, and maybe if you figure that part out for her and present a solution to her (when the time is right), it would be a relief to her and help her feel more comfortable traveling.

gardensparrow · September 2015

Oh, my heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry you're facing the loss of your dad, and I know it's especially heartbreaking when you want to be celebrating with him (and your mom) the birth of your baby. And your disappointment over your mom delaying coming out is certainly understandable. But you may want to give it a little time. Perhaps once she's not dealing with the shock of losing your dad, she'll be able to think more clearly about visiting and what it will mean to delay her trip that long. Also, if she does have a chance to see some pics of your son after he's born (if you're willing to mail some out), that may spur her to come out earlier and want to meet your little one. So, just something to think about. And I'll certainly be praying for your family in the meantime...

zetlopez · September 2015

I'm very sorry for your loss. This is a lot for your mom to deal with and I wouldn't expect her to come help. My mom was lost in grief when my father passed away and we felt it best to not ask her for anything while she grieved. We were there for her and had to help her.

Also, just because she doesn't have social media, doesn't mean your can't share pictures. You can email or text them. My sister in law hates social media and always texts us pictures. You don't have to go to the extreme of printing and mailing.

ERININSYDNEY · September 2015

I'm so sorry that your father passed away. I would be a wreck for a long time if my dad passed away, pregnant or not. That being said, everyone grieves differently and there are also several stages of grief for the bereaved to go through so give your mother some time but also be supportive too. It must be so challenging to be in this position of glorious impending life you're carrying and also dealing with death so fresh - I truly feel for you (and your mom).

I was gonna say what PP said about emailing/texting photos also.

ERININSYDNEY · September 2015

In addition to texting/emailing photos of your LO, FaceTime and Skype are wonderful tools!

gerbies · September 2015

Thanks, everyone for your honest thoughts. I have not expressed my frustration to my mom (and won't). I hope she sees the errors of her decision later, but that will be on her. For now, I know she has to grieve...as do I. Unfortunately, my mom has ZERO technological skill and no desire to learn. She has a cell phone, but has texting shut off and doesn't want it. She doesn't know how to use a computer, so there's no e-mail, no Facebook, no Skype...nothing. The only way she'll see our child is in person (if she travels) or if I order prints of pictures (which I haven't done in ages). I will see how I feel once the baby is here. Maybe if she doesn't have pictures, she'll force herself to get an email address and learn how to do it.

Knottie70261981 · September 2015

There is an app called free prints where you get 80 prints a month free and shipping is super cheap. You just click the pics you want printed and poof they are printed and shipped and you could even have them shipped directly to her

gardensparrow · September 2015

Thanks for the update, gerbies. And that may be wise to just give it some time and see how you feel about everything with your mom when your grief over your dad isn't so fresh. But keep us posted on how things go. I'll continue praying for your family!

dchiapella · September 2015

gerbies said:

The only way she'll see our child is in person (if she travels) or if I order prints of pictures (which I haven't done in ages).

Walgreens photo is extremely simple. I haven't done prints in forever either but really want to start because I miss having tangable photo albums. You actually can create a log in where you can store tons of pictures and separate them into folders, prints are pretty cheap in retrospect and pick them up at a time and place that's convenient for you. Sorry, I know this was off topic, just trying to find ways to minimize your stress

Feeling frustrated...and guilty at the same time.

Re: Feeling frustrated...and guilty at the same time.

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