Well then...

OctoberBaby10615 · September 2015

about three weeks away from delivery here and my hubby brought up that "a few weeks ago" he and my MIL spoke about her being in the delivery room.

Back story, as soon as we announced that we were pregnant she said she was going to be in the delivery room with us. So, that night we had a discussion and both agreed that it's best that she not be in there. (My reasons were that I just don't feel comfortable with anyone in there other than my hubby and she and I don't have he best relationship). He was okay with this and reiterated it to her, not surprising, she was upset and very dramatic about the situation.
I don't even want my own mother in the room, it's an intimate time for my husband and I.

So... He apparently has now told her that she can be in the room without any regards to how I feel about it. He says she will be upset (she knows how to get in his head) but it just feels like he doesn't respect the fact that I'm his wife and just want what will be best during delivery.

His reasons are understandable as well though, he wants her to be there to take pictures so we can have forever memories and I absolutely love that he is thinking this way!

My question to you ladies is, do I change my mind and say yes she can come in and risk being more uncomfortable or stick to my guns?

ilikestars089 · September 2015

At the hospital I am delivering at, they have a code phrase with the nursing staff. If you ask for a glass of lemonade (they don't serve lemonade), they usher out everyone but you and your partner and blame it on hospital policy/the room being too full/anything else so that they are the bad guys and not you. Might be worth checking to see if your hospital has something similar!

sugarplum513 · September 2015

Stick to your guns. Do you want your mil looking at your vagina?

tate62610 · September 2015

That's really your call. The staff can take pictures for you as well. One of the nurses took all of our pictures right after baby was out.

I don't want anyone but my husband and necessary staff in the room. If you think it will be stressful for you, just say no. The nurses will play the bad guy for you. This is not your husband's decision. YOUR BODY!

What is everyone's obsession with being in the fuckin delivery room?! There's no award for being in there when your baby glooshes out. I think it's so ridiculous.

OctoberBaby10615 · September 2015

I think they do have a code phrase, my OB understands where I stand also; thank goodness!

I don't want her looking at my vagina, that's the biggest thing! He says she won't but she specifically says that she finds the head emerging the most fascinating

OctoberBaby10615 · September 2015

tate62610 said:
That's really your call. The staff can take pictures for you as well. One of the nurses took all of our pictures right after baby was out.

I don't want anyone but my husband and necessary staff in the room. If you think it will be stressful for you, just say no. The nurses will play the bad guy for you. This is not your husband's decision. YOUR BODY!

What is everyone's obsession with being in the fuckin delivery room?! There's no award for being in there when your baby glooshes out. I think it's so ridiculous.

I wasn't sure if they do! That's excellent news! It is ridiculous, I live in the south where the moms are a part of every aspect in the sons life literally down to the first time we have sex, gross.

tate62610 · September 2015

OctoberBaby10615 said:
I think they do have a code phrase, my OB understands where I stand also; thank goodness!

I don't want her looking at my vagina, that's the biggest thing! He says she won't but she specifically says that she finds the head emerging the most fascinating

Then she can go watch a birth video on tv.

Louisl · September 2015

It's totally absurd that your husband would dismiss your very clear feelings on this. If his mother can't respect your wishes, he needs to remind her that it's your body and your call. Who cares what MIL wants? Her emotional needs are literally the last priority in all this. You shouldn't even have to give a reason! I literally can't even imagine my husband just dismissing my preferences on this.

jefinley1 · September 2015

Louisl said:
It's totally absurd that your husband would dismiss your very clear feelings on this. If his mother can't respect your wishes, he needs to remind her that it's your body and your call. Who cares what MIL wants? Her emotional needs are literally the last priority in all this. You shouldn't even have to give a reason! I literally can't even imagine my husband just dismissing my preferences on this.

This. Plus just F!#$%&+K!!!! no! For so many reasons. Wants her there to take pictures my ass. He temporarily forgot who he goes home to and who's carrying his child because she got to him alone. Help him remember. Considering that he's gone against what you decided together for a situation regarding exclusively your body while you're in pain and half naked, don't feel like you need to be tactful.

leighann1 · September 2015

Nope nope nope. Your husband has some serious explaining and backpedaling to do, because there is no way in hell you should give in. The last thing you want is to be stressed during delivery. She can keep her ass in the waiting room.

CocoR04 · September 2015

Don't give in! Your lady parts are on display for the world to see while you're giving birth. Seriously. I would be scarred for life if anyone but my DH and health care team were in the room with me. When giving birth to DS, a nurse took wonderful photos after he was delivered. They see so many births and know what shots parents want. Unless your MIL is a professional photographer, that's not a great reason to have her there if you're not comfortable with it to begin with. Just say no!!

leah665 · September 2015

What all these ladies said, but also keep in mind that if you feel uncomfortable with her in the room it can inhibit and prolong your labor.

MirandaC1984 · September 2015

Absolutely not. Your feelings are the top priority here. This is a very intimate time and MIL can wait. In fact, we aren't even having grandparents wait in the waiting room. We've told them we will call them once we are in the mother/baby room and settled so they can visit which may be the day after he is born depending on timing. Sorry not sorry. These are precious moments you can't get back.

OctoberBaby10615 · September 2015

Thank you ladies, I love that I have y'all on my side! I'm afraid of it prolonging my labor especially since I already get stressed around her when not in labor! He is very much attached to his mom and she does get to him when I'm not around him, not sure why but it's always been that way with her unfortunately!

cmjn94 · September 2015

I would absolutely say no! Even if you might be okay with it after all, don't change your mind after already saying no. Then she'll know she can manipulate you to get what she wants.

margies2010 · September 2015

HELL NO. She can wait her ass outside that room. I've told people that I don't even want them in the WAITING room. We will call/text when we are ready for visitors. With DS, everyone else held my baby before me. This will NOT BE repeated. DH and I will be the only people to see my LO until we are moved to the post-partum floor.

shycoconut · September 2015

I would stick to your decision. Youre birthing your child. Its a time about you, your hubby and child. Her feelings are irrelevant. You should be made as comfortable as possible. My hubby doesnt even have a say who will be in the room. Its not his cupcake on display.

Wigglesx2 · September 2015

No. No. No. Nope. She told him to say she'll take pictures. Probably of the head coming out and not of the two of you. You're the one who has to go through everything, he needs to be more respectful of what you want. When he's in surgery or anything that can possibly be compared then he can make the decision.

mommy_wife_nurse · September 2015

No. No. No. No. No. No!!!!! Stick to your decision, you don't need the extra stress in the delivery room. Utilize your nurses to help you stand your ground. Good luck momma!!

erinboehme · September 2015

I am the only one of my mom's children and children in law who have not allowed her in the delivery room. She said I would change my mind when the time came and I wouldn't care who was there. Nope. Didn't change my mind. She acted offended when I sent her out when it was time to push. She said, "I thought you were joking for the last 8 months."

angela_angel · September 2015

I'd like to know how she's not going to be looking at your vagina if she's going to be watching the head come out?
Please don't let her ruin this for you. Stand your ground!!! This is not even close to being about her!!!!

nbpa3027 · September 2015

Stand your ground. It isn't his decision, it is yours. He just doesn't know how to tell his mother "no." I would politely remind him that he will be the only other person in the room with you and the hospital staff will be aware of that. It will be a lot less awkward in the long run if she just isn't there instead of trying to be there and getting kicked out.

You are the patient and the doctors and nurses will respect your wishes, not your husbands or your mother in laws.

chelseagrrl123 · September 2015

It's important for you to feel comfortable with your delivery. Theoretically having people in the room that may make you feel uncomfortable can possibly hinder your ability to progress throughout your labor. This is an important process, having it your way is a must.

Krysta6 · September 2015

shycoconut said:
My hubby doesnt even have a say who will be in the room. Its not his cupcake on display.

This!! When he gets to lay on a table and potentially poop while everyone is watching he can decide who is in the room! I find it disrespectful to you (HIS WIFE) to back down to his mom.

I find it so awkward that people WANT to be in the delivery room. Why would someone want to see my vagina and all of my insides coming out? It's like the think there's a prize for seeing the baby first. It's creepy.

OctoberBaby10615 · September 2015

Thank you ladies! I agree with every single one of you! If it wasn't for y'all, I probably would've had a breakdown! It's not often that we have disagreements so this one caught me by surprise! He knows at this point how I feel about the situation, thankfully he also understands that I would like to experience this with just him! It's an uphill battle with her and maybe she will respect my decision but even if she doesn't, I'm okay with that. It's not to be spiteful or malicious, it's about my comfort level and the people that NEED to be there. I will not be the last one in the room to hold our baby!

margies2010 · September 2015

Utilize your nursing staff. Give them a heads up as soon as you arrive.

AiramJ · September 2015

I would absolutely stick to my guns and not allow her in. It is your decision more than his. I would not want it alone for the reason that I don't want anyone seeing my bits and as you said, it is an intimate time. I understand grandparents are excited but I really think they need to take a step back when it comes to delivery. My husband would love his parents to come into the room as soon as baby is delivered, but I said no. But even up for discussion. I want however long I feel like it with my baby without sharing him.

DianaF84 · September 2015

I say absoutely not. Don't allow her in there if you don't want her in there. I'm not having my mother in there with me because I know my MIL will want to be in the room too, taking pictures..... which I know for a fact that with my husbands first child, she took VERY inappropriate pictures and tried sharing them! So, if you are uncomfortable with her being in the room, say no. Put your foot down, this is your baby that you've been growing for 9 months, and the only ones in the birthing room are ones that need to make you feel comfortable.

EllioCor · September 2015

I agree with the other ladies. For myself, it's a big F*** NO!!! I have no intention of even telling people/family i'm in labor (although my co-workers may know because I could go into labor at work).

It's on my birthplan as just hubby, but at the end of the day, if you tell the staff you want her out, they'll take her out whether hubby likes it or not. We all want to be nice and our loving husbands are so important, but childbirth is at the end of the day, technically all mom- all those decisions are officially yours. It would be nice not to have to play that card because hubby understands and backs you up, but the card exists. He needs to remember that. He can find a polite way to tell mom that you just aren't comfortable or he can suffer the fit when hospital staff bars her from the room. Tell him to Dad up.

cbolton19 · September 2015

Gah. Nope. I want just my husband and that is it. If for some reason I get stressed and freaked I can call my mom and she will help (and my hisband is ok with that) but I would never want my MIL there. Ick. Also, if my mom (or other family member) came, it would not be for them to take pics and see the baby coming out. No. So awkward. If anyone is taking pics and getting a good view, then it will be my husband. Definitely stick to your guns. It is much better for you to be comfortable.

Sbrouwer0706 · September 2015

Check with your hospital's procedures. My OB specifically asked me who I am going to have in the room while I am in labor and while I am delivering. I told her no one besides DH and she already marked that down on my file. Now, even if someone tries to come back they will not allow them unless I specifically say that I have changed my mind about allowing people in. I found that so helpful that I don't even have to worry about it while I am in labor.

There is a reason there is so much focus on comfort and relaxation while a woman is in labor. It can make the whole process easier and more pleasant. If there is anyone who will stress you out/make you uncomfortable, keep them as far away from that delivery room as possible.

meghan82 · September 2015

i wholeheartedly agree with everyone else: hell no. what's more, your husband needs to go back to his mother and tell her he should not have overstepped his bounds and gave her permission to be there when you had previously agreed it would just be the two of you. if your husband for some reason personally wanted to change your mind he should have gone back to you and asked you before talking to her. it's not his decision. but i suspect he just gives in too easily to pressure from his mom. the fact that they discussed this weeks ago and he is just bringing it up to you now is all the answer you need: he knew that what he was doing was wrong in going behind your back to give your mom permission. just not okay in my book.

however, one thing worth raising is that maybe he is feeling nervous about being your solo support person (and likely his mom encouraged him to feel this way in order to get her way). i would be sure to let him know that you are confident you two can handle it on your own and that you want to enjoy this personal and private experience as a family with just the two of you and baby and that MIL's help is not needed. many hospitals and doctors now recommend a "golden hour" period after the birth where the parents can bond with their baby, do skin-to-skin, breast feed, etc. there will be plenty of time for pictures and grandparents after that.

thegingeravenger · September 2015

Dirty lurker chiming in here. My hospital also has a policy that there's to be no picture taking or recording once it's go time and until the doctor says that mom and baby are both safe. I know that some families want that moment in time preserved, but if wasn't something you even remotely thought about before your DH brought it up you might could check with your hospital on this.

I agree with everyone else though, nope on her in the room if you don't want her there. Tell your husband that handling her hissy fit is good practice for dealing with a toddler.

tbasinski · September 2015

YOU are the patient. YOU are giving birth. YOUR privates are on display. Ask him if he wants his mom in the room for his vasectomy?
I would give him these options: if he wants to be present for the birth, then mil won't be. Otherwise he and mil can see baby after baby is born. And heck maybe his name will get to be on the birth certificate, if he's lucky. Seriously - put your foot down.

tate62610 · September 2015

Yup. Ask him how he'd feel about your mom being in the room while he's naked and spread eagle. That's how I put it into perspective for my husband.

cderitz · September 2015

I've been in a delivery as a nursing student and I've also delivered one child. I can tell you right now that whatever the woman wants the woman gets. If you say out loud that you want everyone out of the room except your husband, the staff will ask your mother in law to leave. You have the power my dear:)

I would have a very honest discussion with you husband again though and tell him your thoughts and what you want. He needs to respect your wishes. This is your body.

kstitt0830 · September 2015

Don't tell her youre in labor till after baby is born and you are ready for visitors...then blame a "fast labor" or something...bottom line YOURE GIVING BIRTH do whatever you want to do...UGH sounds like you have a "Marie Barone" mother in law like me....first time I let her come while I labored and no joke she tripped on the way into the hospital and complained for 6+ hours about how bad her leg scrap hurt....while I was in freaking labor!!! Lucky this time I'm having her watch our daughter so she can't come till we call and ask her to bring our daughter up there and cant stay super long either!

mandy903 · September 2015

Hell no. At this point I would even second guess having hubby in the room. He should be ashamed of himself going against your wishes so blatantly. You are the patient, the one in pain. Not him.

intheversa · September 2015

I think these ladies have pretty much said it, but the best advice I can give you is stand your ground. You're the one that's going to be exposed so it's your call. What she did is not OK. What your DH did is definitely not OK, but maybe he has a hard time saying no to her. So let this be some practice for him, because he's going to be saying no to her a lot once your LO arrives.

jesswill86 · September 2015

We has a similar situation. Baby was born about a month early last week, and while we hadn't quite wrapped up our plans, we had set expectations that my mother would co-coach with my husband in case he couldn't leave work, and for the extra support. Either way, they were the only two I felt comfortable being there. It did lead to an unfortunate falling out with his mom, but in some cases, setting boundaries and sticking to them really is the best decision. Your child's birth is something you'll never forget, and if having her in there will cause a lot of stress, that's not something either you or baby will need. She needs to know that you have expectations for family members, and should be respectful for your needs.

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