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Another "dealing" with family post: feuding parents

rms924rms924 member
in October 2015 Moms
Did a quick search and didn't really see anything that applied...would love some advice from those that have been there.

My parents hate each other. Which is fine, I honestly don't know how they stayed married to each other for as long as they have. In the past, I've gotten sucked into their drama which has involved everything from locking each other out of the house, abuse, the police/courts, private investigators etc. Yet they get back together (i think primarily for financial reasons, as neither have a lot of money here, and both of them share in some property abroad). In my 20s I had to distance myself away because their stuff was so damaging, I just couldn't handle all of it plus being at a demanding job...there's a part of me that still blames them for costing me those opportunities, but the 30 something year old woman in me says that I was complicit in that and have to own my part. I am a work in progress:)

This is where I need your help. Recently there's been another big blow up and my dad calls me yesterday am to tell me that he's "64 years old and out on the streets" because my mother threw him out. I am telling you my dad is no angel, and I knew that he wanted me to invite him over to stay in my apartment. I just can't have that. My husband recently lost his job, we are struggling with stuff ourselves, and my dad is no help at all (he's always so "broke"). Plus, honestly, I just don't trust him and I don't really enjoy spending time with him because he's totally bipolar (he's never been diagnosed because he refuses to go see someone, and claims that we are "all crazy" and out to make him crazy). I prefer to keep both of my parents at arms length because our relationship is just better that way. They are emotionally and financially draining. We just don't have the extra income right now nor the energy to deal with this.

I am due in 3 weeks or so. I am trying to handle my job and my life responsibilities, and with the emotions of pregnancy plus this, I am really a wreck. I don't know how to handle them both seeing the baby, and I don't want to have to save one parent or another, financially or emotionally. Of course, I don't want to see my dad on the street, but he had a hand in creating this situation and I don't feel like it's my job to save him. I've given him a lot of money over the years, and I am really done with that. This whole situation is making me so upset, that I can't even really revel in the last few weeks of pregnancy and preparation. My stomach is constantly in knots because i don't know what to do in the short term (get involved etc) and I don't know what to do in the long term (my mom is staying to help me with the baby, but I don't feel like extending that to my dad). What is a fair solution to this? Am I being a brat? Has anyone else been there, and what do you recommend I do? I want to mention that I will be seeking out someone to speak to as well...so don't worry that I am totally depending on internet strangers to solve my problem, but I love this board for their support, and would love to hear any/everything from those that can identify.

Thank you for letting me vent/share. And thank you for listening :) 
Me: 34 DH:38
DS: 18 months   <3
Dx DOR AMH .2
<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img 
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Re: Another &quot;dealing&quot; with family post: feuding parents

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    rms924rms924 member
    Jeez. Just realized how long that above was! Ack- thanks for reading through if you got that far :) 
    Me: 34 DH:38
    DS: 18 months   <3
    Dx DOR AMH .2
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img 
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    chris&haleychris&haley member
    My dad is also a train wreck (drugs, compulsive liar, etc) and wants to come visit me, which means he'll want to stay at my house--which DH and I are very much against. In my experience, you HAVE to do what is best for you/your family. I have ignored phone calls and when we do talk I keep it short and sweet. Your parents' issues are not yours. You don't have to tell me how hard it is to give "tough love", I struggle with the guilt, but I promise it's for the best. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and know that you're making the right decision for your family. If you have siblings that you're close with I've found that to be a really good source of support. Good luck and be strong.
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    rms924rms924 member
    chris&haley said:
    My dad is also a train wreck (drugs, compulsive liar, etc) and wants to come visit me, which means he'll want to stay at my house--which DH and I are very much against. In my experience, you HAVE to do what is best for you/your family. I have ignored phone calls and when we do talk I keep it short and sweet. Your parents' issues are not yours. You don't have to tell me how hard it is to give "tough love", I struggle with the guilt, but I promise it's for the best. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with and know that you're making the right decision for your family. If you have siblings that you're close with I've found that to be a really good source of support. Good luck and be strong.
    Words can't describe how much I appreciate the above. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 
    Me: 34 DH:38
    DS: 18 months   <3
    Dx DOR AMH .2
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img 
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    wildbutterfli2001wildbutterfli2001 member
    Misery loves company and it will eat you alive if you let it. Don't let anyone suck you into their toxicity. Parents included. I would politely tell him that their problems are not your business and they need to work it out amongst themselves. This may come with guilt, but just remind yourself that as a parent, sometimes you will have to make difficult decisions, but you do what's best for your family. (Your child, husband and self) take it from someone who has had to kick my mom out of my house because it was too toxic and destroying my family. Good luck momma! Hugs
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    millereliz13millereliz13 member
    You have to take care of ypu, you SO, and the little one. You aren't being a brat at all. Practice saying "I'm sorry to hear that." You aren't responsible for your parents. My husband's mother isn't involved in our lives because she causes drama like that, she's not a good person. Before we cut ties with her, there was a lot if saying I'm sorry to hear that. You don't take responsibility for their actions, you don't fix anything for them, you just acknowledge they said something and keep moving. Giant hugs to you. Also, remember, you don't have to answer their phone calls.
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    tbasinskitbasinski member
    That sounds like a horrible position to be in, especially when pregnant. I don't have personal experience so this is just my outside looking in perspective and I realize it's easier for me to say than for someone in your position to do.
    By "helping" your dad you would really just be enabling him to continue to act the way he does. That's not helping him at all. He's acting like a child. Someday in the not so distant future you will have to make tough decisions about your child also. Your child will want things that aren't in their best interest and you will have to be "mean" and say no. And honestly that can be really hard sometimes. But you will, because you want the best for your child. You will, because you will want your child to learn responsibility and accountability. Your parents are no different. You have to make the best decision for you, and that actually may be the best decision for them also.
    One of my favorite sayings is "your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on my part". He has made poor decisions and now has to deal with the consequences of them. It is not your responsibility to bail him out. It IS your responsibility though, to keep your child safe. If that means not allowing your parents around your baby, well that sucks but you're doing what's best for your child.
    Again, easier said than done, but something to think about
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    cbolton19cbolton19 member
    My FIL is kind of similar. My husband had to do the 'tough love' thing as well. He blatantly told him that he needed to get his stuff together because he can't keep bailing him out. He almost came to live with us too (was living in his van, we had offered to help him months ago, before we got pregnant). We just can't help him like that now. He figured it out. And he has finally stopped (for now, he needs reminders) telling my husband things that stress him out and make him feel guilty. I don't think you are over-reacting now. He needs to know that he can't just expect you to bail him out every time. He is your parent, not vice versa. I think the best thing for you, your baby, husband and even your parents is to give him some tough love and tell him no. He is an adult and can figure this out. It will be hard, and I know you don't want to see him without a home, but he needs to figure it out. He can't depend on his children to do that. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. That is a tough situation. Good luck. I hope you find a happy medium and can enjoy your last few weeks and the arrival of your baby.
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    rms924rms924 member
    Thank you guys- I really appreciate the responses and just hearing it from others makes me feel like I have the strength to make the right decision for my family and myself. It's hard to shake the guilt, but I am glad I am not alone. Thank you all <3
    Me: 34 DH:38
    DS: 18 months   <3
    Dx DOR AMH .2
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Pregnancy"><img 
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    tuinstrabtuinstrab member
    You have nothing to feel badly about. Like he said. .he is 64 and should figure things out for himself. The best thing is to not feel guilty and realize you have many other priorities in your life and that is completely ok! If your dad continues to push the woe is me thing with you id get off the phone or just change the subject. He needs to learn that its not appropriate to push his issues on you.
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