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Fighting depression... Need advice

clairesmommabearclairesmommabear member
in October 2015 Moms
So I'm finally going to admit it. I am seriously depressed right now. I feel like crying all the time. I can't find motivation to do anything around the house. Heck if I wasn't responsible for taking care of my daughter I probably wouldn't even muster up the strength to get out of bed.

It's because of my relationship with my husband. I fear he is going to leave. (This is something he admitted to me during my first trimester that he had been considering, but swears that he isn't going to and doesn't want to leave now. We have been 'back to normal' for months now.)

But we have sunk into this routine. He works 60 hour weeks (12 hr days). He comes home, gets on the computer with headphones in, and isn't interested in any type of conversation or anything that would tear him from the screen. (With the exception of our daughter, he always makes time for her.)

If he isn't on the computer he just lays down on the couch and goes to sleep until I finish dinner. Then again until I convince him to go to bed because he has a bad back and the couch will make him sore.

We never go on dates, or anywhere really. He doesn't hug me anymore or hold my hand. We don't snuggle on the couch, and he barely kisses me. Even when he does kiss me it feels so forced and rushed. Like he just wants to get it over with.

We haven't been intimate in months... He says he's just tired but that's what he said for a long time before we had our falling out about him wanting to leave me.

I have begged him to go to marriage counseling with me ever since that happened but he will not even consider it.

I try to keep the house perfect and keep myself presentable, but each day I find it harder to keep up with it all. I look at myself in the mirror and absolutely loathe myself. I feel like a hippo.

It feels like there is this huge weight on me and I don't know how to relieve it. I've tried to talk to him but he won't talk long enough for me to explain how I'm feeling. And if I try to just explain it he zones out and doesn't hear me after awhile. So I finally just wrote him a letter bearing my heart to him. Telling him that whatever it is that's putting this distance between us is something I want to work on so we can be happy.

He has opened the letter (its sitting on his desk). But he hasn't talked to me about it. Hasn't even acknowledged it. And when he came home from work it was the usual routine.

What would you do in this situation? How would you try to get his attention so we can work through whatever this is? I can't stand feeling this sad and insecure all the time. I need help...
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Re: Fighting depression... Need advice

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  • tracij12tracij12 member
    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling down. Is there something particular he is doing on the computer? I'm a total pleaser so I think my first instinct would be to plan a date night doing something I know he would be into or something that would remind him of our early times together.

    As for the letter, that totally sucks that he hasn't acknowledged it. Is he typically an emotional guy? I know my DH would not be responsive to the idea of marriage counseling and he may feel overwhelmed by a letter that is overly expressive. Not saying giving it to him was wrong (I think it takes a lot of courage to express feelings in written form!), just try not to read too much into his lack of response.

    How was he during your first pregnancy?
    Married DH 08.28.10
    Pregnancy #1: BFP 04.10.11 EDD 12.23.11 DD1 Born 12.4.11
     Pregnancy #2: BFP 5.12.14 MC 5.20.14 @ 5wk4d
    Pregnancy #3: BFP 11.1.14 EDD 7.5.15 MC 11.13.14 @ 6wk4d
    Pregnancy #4: BFP 1.31.15 EDD 10.5.15 DD2 Born 9.23.15
     
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  • clairesmommabearclairesmommabear member
    tracij12 said:

    I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and feeling down. Is there something particular he is doing on the computer? I'm a total pleaser so I think my first instinct would be to plan a date night doing something I know he would be into or something that would remind him of our early times together.

    As for the letter, that totally sucks that he hasn't acknowledged it. Is he typically an emotional guy? I know my DH would not be responsive to the idea of marriage counseling and he may feel overwhelmed by a letter that is overly expressive. Not saying giving it to him was wrong (I think it takes a lot of courage to express feelings in written form!), just try not to read too much into his lack of response.

    How was he during your first pregnancy?

    He watches anime and goes through Facebook. Sometimes plays a video game.

    The weird thing is, with my daughter he was great! (She wasn't planned, this one was.) He's never been super emotional but he still went out of his way to make me feel beautiful and loved. He at no point said he wanted to leave or even came close to that. This time I feel like I'm nothing but an extra burden on him.

    I have tried to set up date nights before, and even if I bought tickets to a movie he mentioned he wanted to see or made reservations at a favorite restaurant, he tells me he'd rather stay in and we end up not going because I don't want to force him to go out if he doesn't want to. I just feel trapped right now, you know? Nothing seems to work...
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  • dparker721dparker721 member
    I'm really sorry you are going through this.

    I don't know if my advice will be any good, but I second what a pp said about seeking counseling on your own. It could benefit you whether he participates or not. I do know sometimes they'll ask for the spouse to come at some point and I don't know if he will, since he's said no before, but maybe you could invite him then.

    When he mentioned leaving early on, did he say why? Or discuss what he was feeling at all? I was curious if it was just relationship things or if it was a mix of just overall life stressors. My husband is going through something that I had myself convinced was all about me and I walked around trying to do every little thing I could to "fix" it. When we finally talked (he walked in while I was having a breakdown one day) I realized it really had little to do with me and it was feeling burnout from his 2 careers, stress of the baby, working on our home, financial responsibility, and school (he takes online classes), etc. He admitted he needed to talk to someone on his own. Once I realized the part I played in it, it doesn't make it better, but I do feel better about myself because I know I'm doing what I can and I can't make him feel or be a certain way. I think you need to take care of you, because working on yourself and helping yourself is the only definite thing you can do!
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  • dchiapelladchiapella member
    I very much agree with @dparker721

    My husband and I have definitely gone through this and as someone who copes with depression to begin with, I can understand how difficult of a position it is. Talk to your OB. I finally got to the point where I wasn't dealing well on my own and I knew the amount of stress I felt was not good for baby... I had a referral for a therapist who specializes in working with pregnant woman by the next day. You do not want to feel this way and your doctors do not want you to feel this way. 

    As for your husband, like PP said, it might have VERY little to do with you. We take things out on the people we love and who we know will still be there for us at the end of it, so it might FEEL like it's targeted at you but there's a large possibility that it is not intended to be. Next time you try to talk to him (not during gaming because Lord knows men will fly off the handle over that) try to keep all emotion very calm and under control and just be very forthcoming. Men in general do not do well with skirting around the issue and many of them do not know how to handle the emotions that come so naturally to women, especially pregnant women. I might not have responded to the letter because he doesn't want a big blow out or to feel like he's hurting you. 

    Good luck, mama. Hang in there, you can resolve this, I really believe you can! 
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  • Knottie03036745Knottie03036745 member
    Try reading Proper feeding and Caring of Husbands by Dr. Laura.. Be upbeat when he gets home from work, initiate intimacy, show him affection and admiration... I'm telling you.... it works Guys don't really want to discuss feelings.. they want food, sex and a happy wife. Good luck. 
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  • jenspeakejenspeake member
    My DH has gone through his bouts during this pregnancy.  He was feeling the stress of work, picking up more of the work around the house (his honey do list obviously got bigger) and stressing out on being a first time dad.  This seems to have subsided and now he's excited and can't wait.  It was hard trying to always comfort him when I'm the one having the baby and it made me feel like I had to keep my freak outs to myself.  Maybe he's just going through the same thing and wanting to just not have to deal with reality for awhile.  My DH and I ended up getting into a huge fight and didn't talk for a few days but it was honestly really good for us as we've been closer then we ever were after that.  Good luck to you and hopefully this time will pass!
    image


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  • tracij12tracij12 member
    My DH was definitely more supportive with our first pregnancy and I often feel like more of a burden with this one too. I have avoided addressing it head on which is not good advice I realize :(
    My DH is semi into video games so I've been trying to make an effort to show interest in what he's playing and that seems to make him open up.

    Like PP, I encourage you to try to stay positive as much as you can and continue to engage with him as much as you are comfortable without getting annoyed. When baby comes hopefully he will snap out of his funk or at least be open to more discussion.

    Big hugs!!
    Married DH 08.28.10
    Pregnancy #1: BFP 04.10.11 EDD 12.23.11 DD1 Born 12.4.11
     Pregnancy #2: BFP 5.12.14 MC 5.20.14 @ 5wk4d
    Pregnancy #3: BFP 11.1.14 EDD 7.5.15 MC 11.13.14 @ 6wk4d
    Pregnancy #4: BFP 1.31.15 EDD 10.5.15 DD2 Born 9.23.15
     
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  • MissChris627MissChris627 member
    Is it possible that maybe he's just tired and withdrawn after working a 12 hour day, and he just wants some alone time to decompress?  His job as a provider is about to get exponentially harder and he may be really stressed out and not wanting to burden you with how he's feeling.  It may really have nothing to do with you. As for how you are feeling, it is possible that this insane cocktail of extra hormones has you feeling extra sensitive, which could be making you feel depressed and cause you to question your relationship.
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  • intheversaintheversa member
    MissChris627 said:
    Is it possible that maybe he's just tired and withdrawn after working a 12 hour day, and he just wants some alone time to decompress?  His job as a provider is about to get exponentially harder and he may be really stressed out and not wanting to burden you with how he's feeling.  It may really have nothing to do with you. As for how you are feeling, it is possible that this insane cocktail of extra hormones has you feeling extra sensitive, which could be making you feel depressed and cause you to question your relationship.
    OK I get him being burned out after a 12 hour days because trust me on those days I just wanted to crash on the couch and not think, but he still needs to give the OP some of his time. My DH has been extremely stressed out at work and I've been trying to just let him blow off some steam and play video games when he gets home. But he still talks to me, shows me affection, and makes time for whatever I ask for. He understands that I'm at home all day and need some adult interaction. And while he has his headphones on, they're not loud enough that I can't talk to him. We usually compromise with spending an hour on the couch eating dinner and watching TV. Then we clean up and go do whatever we want to do. It's our way of spending time together and still getting time to chill out. And usually if I need help with something after, he'll help unless he's in a really bad mood from work. 

    I'm sorry you're going through right now. I don't think that it's right that he ignores you when he gets home. That's not how marriage is supposed to work. There's supposed to be compromise. I know we all have extra hormones right now, what you're feeling is justified because it honestly sounds like he's ignoring you and that's not fair. If he's not going to respond to the letter then clearly something is off and it needs to be addressed. I agree, not during video games, but maybe when he gets home or on the weekends. He needs to tell you what's going on and then maybe from there you two can go to counselinng. I really hope you're able to work it out. 
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  • MissChris627MissChris627 member
    elmann1 said:
    MissChris627 said:
    Is it possible that maybe he's just tired and withdrawn after working a 12 hour day, and he just wants some alone time to decompress?  His job as a provider is about to get exponentially harder and he may be really stressed out and not wanting to burden you with how he's feeling.  It may really have nothing to do with you. As for how you are feeling, it is possible that this insane cocktail of extra hormones has you feeling extra sensitive, which could be making you feel depressed and cause you to question your relationship.
    If that's the case, regardless, it should be communicated with her rather than he ignoring her. She may want alone time to decompress too. She wants together time, why can't he give her that? Her job as a mother is about to get harder too, it's a give and take in a relationship. I refuse to believe that she's doing everything "wrong" here. Because of these "extra hormones" he should be more aware of that instead of totally shutting her out. 

    I didn't say, nor imply, that she was doing anything wrong.  If fact, I feel the opposite and think she's doing everything that she can.  My point was only to say that maybe it's not her, and maybe he's going through something too.  As far as the hormones, I only meant that maybe she's feeling extra sensitive and needs some extra reassurance right now.

    From my own experience, my DH has a very "head of the household, must be strong for everyone" mentality.  He goes through funks when he's stressed out about providing for our growing family, or he's having a rough day at work.  He gets very silent and doesn't want to talk about it.  Not because he is withdrawing from me, but just because he doesn't want me to feel stressed out about it too.  I was simply trying to empathize (albeit in a different way from everyone else, apparently) and let her know that maybe it's not her.
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  • MamaOwl15MamaOwl15 member
    OP, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It sounds like both you and your husband might benefit from professional counseling, and if he won't go, go on your own.


    Regarding the "what men want is food, sex, and a happy wife" thing. Yeah . . . That's half-true. I can tell you that my husband enjoys a good meal and sex and wants me to be happy. But that doesn't mean he can getaway with mistreating or ignoring me, or that his happiness is somehow dependent on my ability to cook, clean, please him in bed and not cry. Your needs also need to met; marriage is a partnership. If you buy into the "if I could just be a better wife, he'd be happy" notion, you're just going to get more depressed. Cook and clean because it makes you happy or because it needs to get done, initiate sex if you want it. Praise your husband's good qualities because you love him and want to show him love that way. But don't do those things to try and "win" his affection. He needs to step up and be a good husband to you, not just a one-sided you trying to be a good wife and he's a brick wall . . .

    a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Parenting Tips"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1c2dc3.aspx" alt=" Pregnancy Ticker" border="0"  /></a>
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  • elmann1elmann1 member
    edited September 2015
    MissChris627 said: elmann1 said: MissChris627 said: Is it possible that maybe he's just tired and withdrawn after working a 12 hour day, and he just wants some alone time to decompress?  His job as a provider is about to get exponentially harder and he may be really stressed out and not wanting to burden you with how he's feeling.  It may really have nothing to do with you. As for how you are feeling, it is possible that this insane cocktail of extra hormones has you feeling extra sensitive, which could be making you feel depressed and cause you to question your relationship. If that's the case, regardless, it should be communicated with her rather than he ignoring her. She may want alone time to decompress too. She wants together time, why can't he give her that? Her job as a mother is about to get harder too, it's a give and take in a relationship. I refuse to believe that she's doing everything "wrong" here. Because of these "extra hormones" he should be more aware of that instead of totally shutting her out. 
    I didn't say, nor imply, that she was doing anything wrong.  If fact, I feel the opposite and think she's doing everything that she can.  My point was only to say that maybe it's not her, and maybe he's going through something too.  As far as the hormones, I only meant that maybe she's feeling extra sensitive and needs some extra reassurance right now.
    From my own experience, my DH has a very "head of the household, must be strong for everyone" mentality.  He goes through funks when he's stressed out about providing for our growing family, or he's having a rough day at work.  He gets very silent and doesn't want to talk about it.  Not because he is withdrawing from me, but just because he doesn't want me to feel stressed out about it too.  I was simply trying to empathize (albeit in a different way from everyone else, apparently) and let her know that maybe it's not her.


    ****Quote Box Fail**** But by saying that her "insane cocktail of extra hormones"     does imply that it's her. I understand you're giving advice from your own experience, as we all are, and my personal experience is that my husband nor I are "head of household," we both work full time we both take care of the house and both clean and cook and we both get really stressed and snippy from it all. I just don't understand that being a reason she should be ignored and not given love and intimacy. Regardless of our own experiences, I feel that communication is so key and crucial in a marriage and I don't want her to feel like she's doing something wrong by wanting to be closer to him and him not responding. I do understand that you are trying to empathize, I just don't agree with the "hormones" statement. He can't be withdrawn every single work day of every month during this pregnancy, that's a poor excuse.  
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  • elmann1elmann1 member
    edited September 2015
    clairesmommabear said:
    I just want to thank everyone for their support. When you feel as though you can't talk to anyone in person it really helps to know that there is this great group of ladies that will be there if I need them. I appreciate all of the advice and will work on reminding myself that this can't be all my fault. I've always had a problem with placing the blame for everything on me. You gals are amazing! Thanks again!
    @clairesmommabear YOU are the amazing one! ;)

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