How to feel/respond to Everything happens for a reason

childcaremama · September 2015

Hi gals! I'm mostly sticking to the TTTC board until I get further in testing at the RE. Cliff Notes ~ Off BC Feb 2014, started charting and tracking, etc Jan 2015 and nothing. TTC for our first. Now scheduling with RE and figuring out insurance. I do have an Immune Deficiency (pretty serious health problem but well treated on a weekly basis) and Gastroparesis (partly paralyzed stomach).

But I figured you ladies would understand this hurt the best. Is it wrong to feel hurt when people say "everything happens for a reason" "God has a plan" "in God's timing" etc. I know they are trying to be helpful but It just makes me feel like there is something wrong in my life otherwise the timing "would be right" you know? Why is their life so prefect (I know that it's not) that it was God's timing for them but not us? It just makes me feel like I'm to blame or something. Ugh. Thanks for listening!

riveridgional · September 2015

It's definitely not strange to feel hurt at those sayings. It almost belittle your feelings, when you really just want someone to say they hope you get your baby soon and that they are there as a shoulder to lean on or cry on. Basically, that they can't say or do anything to help you, but they can make it less lonely. I think the reason it hurts when someone makes the comments you reference is that it may belittle your pain or imply you shouldn't be hurting right now. I personally get frustrated when someone says that to me, but, honeslty, when I view it that way, it almost makes me feel better. Just don't have anyone tell me that! Only I can say it to myself!

You are definitely not to blame! This is your journey and it will make you a more compassionate, better person, who will have a much stronger bond with her child, as you know pain and emotions someone whoa has not been through this process can never know or have!

Maybe just respond that even if their statement is true, it doesn't ease the pain you feel every month. As I've heard put so well, it is a unique pain preparing a spot in your heart each month for a child that doesn't come.

ErikaMG · September 2015

I usually reply with "except for the things that happen for no reason. Nobody deserves this struggle, least of all me." That usually shuts them up.

childcaremama · September 2015

Thanks SO much for the responses! You ladies get it exactly! Yes ErikaMG, exactly!! And riveridigional yes, if they would say it'll happen soon or I'll be praying for you or fingers crossed that would be so much better!

mskeenan · September 2015

Yes, to put it lightly, I want to punch people in the face when they say that (sorry I need to calm down-I'm feeling hormonal). I don't think people really even know what to say unless they have been through this personally. I think I wouldn't have even known what to say unless I had been through this. Now, I am so sensitive to EVERYTHING. I am a religious person but the "God has a plan thing" coming from other people really irritates me. I wish people would just listen instead of saying things that make me feel like I'm doing something wrong or I don't deserve something that everyone else around me does. I already naturally blame myself for my issues (though that is irrational) I don't need other people implying that God doesn't think I'm ready. I'm sorry you have had these same responses I have had! Just try to remember, as I constantly need to remind myself, that people just sometimes don't know what to say because they can't understand. I think most people mean well, though.

vssbrm · September 2015

This is my least favorite encounter with people aside from the people who dive right in telling you all the wonderful reasons you should stop lolly-gagging and get to it; after all, you will regret not having kids and are getting pretty old. Why do strangers or aquaintences feel like they can do this? You would think the logic in their brains might flow a little better and make some conclusions that it mught be a sensitive topic and to tread lightly. I have just started telling people the honest truth when they do this... hoping the will learn after that experience. I enjoy those who have no response.

I am a pretty religous person, I hold no stock in the concept that God would deny someone a child until he deems it the right time in your life. I have seen too many cases that would debunk that!!

@ErikaMG love your response!

LoveBulldogs99 · September 2015

I have this annoying aunt that doesn't think before she speak type. Well, while at our house warming, she goes up to me (mind you, in front of my other 2 aunts) and says "why are you not pregnant yet? What are you waiting on? You're not on BC anymore right? You're married! What's the hold up?!?" My first instinct was to slap her...but family was around so I didn't (just kidding!). But really, I was fuming! My other aunts just put their heads down, embarrassed for what the insensitive one said. One of them knew I'm having a hard time so I could tell she too was upset and wanted to say something but she left it alone. So basically I just let it out and told her that I can't have kids without help. I wish I could have taken a pic of her "I feel stupid" face after I said that but Instead of leaving the subject alone, she goes "well, have you seen a Dr? What are you planning on doing? What's wrong?!? You shouldn't have waited!" Talk about kicking me more when I'm already on the ground dying!

Nowadays, I just tell people right off that I can't get pregnant cuz really, I'm tired of circling around the subject or making shit (can I say this?

) up to cover up the truth. Some are receptive, some back off as if I just told them that I have a transmittable disease! Either way, it is what it is. We're all doing the best we can to get to the "promise land" of parenthood. Some people are just programmed to do it differently.

dragonfaerie · September 2015

I hear you loud and clear. We've started being more honest with people, telling them up front that it's not okay, but it's hard, so so hard. You look at people that you can't help but feel like you are in a better place than them, but they are pregnant, and you are not. People are trying to be understanding and compassionate, but as mskeenam said, no one can really get it unless they've been there. So keep your chin up, try to hear what they are trying to say, and call them out if their platitudes hurt more than help. Everytime I come on this website I think happy thoughts and prayers for all of us. Hugs for you!

Peace, trust and baby dust!

khochanadel · September 2015

Here are my answers:

God has a plan: Did God's plan involve giving me an ectopic pregnancy and spending my life savings? What's God's plan for you look like?

Everything happens for a reason: What's the reason behind 6 of my younger, unmarried cousins getting pregnant in the same year?

I think people go to these platitudes because they are uncomfortable and they don't know what else to say. Tell them what to say. Tell them it's okay to say nothing. Tell them you need someone to listen. Tell them you don't expect them to understand because it's impossible to understand something that is a completely foreign concept, but you are hurting. And if they can't get that, then tell them to go to hell.

mskeenan · September 2015

Amen to what @khochanadel said . Well put !!

Wicked4589 · September 2015

I started educTing people when they would say stuff like that to me. I would say "I know you aren't intending to be hurtful but you are really hurting my feelings. You are saying I am being punished by God. For what? I know you don't mean to say that God wants babies to die due to miscarriage but it's what you are implying. So you may not want to say that in the future. ". My CW is fully versed on what to say to an IF patient.

kuposa17 · September 2015

@Wicked4589 that is an awesome response!

Soverthis · September 2015

We have had some people say some pretty awful or insensitive things. I know no one knows what to say in tough situations, but still! Come on! I want to ask people, did you think before you said that? I just want people to listen, ask how I am every once in awhile and say that really sucks. Hang in there. Sorry you are going through this struggle.

childcaremama · September 2015

Thanks for all the support ladies!

ShayLatrice · September 2015

I can honestly say the ONLY person in my life that has been constantly intrusive and insensitive about the issue. She has two sons, her oldest son has 3 children with his wife and her youngest son is yet to have "her a grand baby" and she is "patiently" waiting, but the problem is, she isn't patient... and I'm not quite sure what she is waiting on. I feel like she believes that my entire life's purpose is to produce a grand child for her. I've never told her anything about my struggles, but I've adamantly expressed to her that when/if we decide to have children is not a conversation that she has the right to talk to me about and no matter how nicely I ask her to respect my boundaries, she doesn't. She's gone as far as to ask my husband if something was wrong with me because we have been married 10 years and have no children not knowing she was on speaker phone and I heard everything she said. She also told mentioned that she was "praying for God to open my barren womb" while I was standing near my mentor and one of her friends. I was so mad and embarrassed and because of my temper I had to leave the room because I know that I woulda tore her up emotionally had I said something.

People don't understand just how ignorant they are and sometimes I really don't think they care. In the case of my MIL... I just don't think she cares. In all of it, you have to set boundaries to protect yourself and your emotions. This your journey and you have the right to include of exclude anyone you feel is causing you more stress in an already stressful situation.

baker+RN · September 2015

"Sometimes it's hard to know what to say in these situations, and most of the time it's best not to say anything at all. 'That sucks' would be better than 'It'll happen when it's right,' to be honest."

ShayLatrice · September 2015

baker+RN I agree... "that sucks" implies that you are attempting to empathize with me and what I'm going through versus just spouting off something you think I need to hear.

ShayLatrice · October 2015

I found another article that I think would REALLY be helpful to those closest to us as we travel down this road to fertility..

https://www.bustle.com/articles/113937-9-ways-to-help-a-friend-whos-struggling-to-conceive?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=pro&utm_campaign=cmfacebook-queen

mskeenan · October 2015

I got told by someone that I "jinxed " my last pregnancy that was chemical by getting too excited about it . I don't get people . Like that's really supposed to make me feel better and take the pressure off .

riveridgional · October 2015

@mskeenan ugh...how you held back a slap or punch is beyond me. Some people...

HBamama2B · October 2015

@mskeenan gah! Rage attack! That is horrible. I'm so sorry that someone was that thoughtless and cruel and completely, unequivocally WRONG. [-(

ShayLatrice · October 2015

mskeenan that is SOOOO insensitive! There was nothing you could have POSSIBLY done to jinx your last pregnancy! People like that make my violent side flair up.

vssbrm · October 2015

@mskeenan how did you control yourself in that situation? I think that person would be off my favorite last and my husband would have to hold me back.

We were talking about Christmas travel plans last night. This time of year always makes me anxious to be around so many family members, everyone likes to share their opinions during the holidays (it seems) and everyone else is announcing a pregnancy. FX none of us have to go through that this year!

dani4est · October 2015

@vssbrm I totally understand! My husband had a family reunion over the weekend... everyone was asked to write their names on a card, and pin the card to the wall to see the family tree. So if you had kids, each of your kids would be on a separate card underneath your card. My father-in-law said to me and my hubby, you guys should write your card, and then write another card with a '?' on it to put below yours. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or punch him the face lol... I opted for a fake laugh, and turned and walked away. (Then my hubby and I went into the coat closet and drank fireball).

vssbrm · October 2015

@dani4est yea, that is not nice. I got in trouble a few years ago when i told some one that it was none of their business and to not tell me it will happen when I relax, because they know nothing about my medical history. And the past three holiday seasons all of our cousins have decided it is the perfect time to announce - the holidays is such a harder time to hear it. So yep, go upstairs, cry for a minute then claim a bottle of wine and rub it in their faces that at least I have that

.

ShayLatrice · October 2015

dani4est that was completely out of order. I tried ignoring my in laws ignorant comments, but they are the type of people who if you give them grace they will just keep going... so I've set them straight and they don't even talk to me about kids anymore. My last comment was "I don't call you asking you what your plans are for your vagina or your husband's penis. That is the equivalent of what you do every time you call me asking me about a baby. Don't call me asking me about this again!"... end of subject. They were so offended I haven't gotten ANY phone calls since May. I had run out of patience with them after my MIL made a comment about me being "barren"... =;

mskeenan · October 2015

@vssbrm I forgot to mention it was my MIL . I think she was just really upset that she got her hopes up but still totally unfair !!

I agree holidays are rough . If I'm not pregnant by the holidays I'm just gonna drink a ton of egg nog and tell everyone to F off .

mclorn · October 2015

After a year of inappropriate comments from my in-laws, I finally said "we are seeking help; it just hasn't happened yet". Of course MIL wanted more details but after that conversation she has FINALLY backed off 100% and is actually even nicer to me

Ugh, one of my DH's co-workers jokingly asked if I was barren since we don't have kids... I wanted to punch him in the face!

bookworm40 · October 2015

I get the everything happens for a reason all the time but the one I love the best is from my mother in law who never knows when to keep her mouth shut.. Every time something happens with this journey, she says to me well you know my feeling, it's all written in a book someplace and when you get to the chapter about babies it will happen. I've heard that no less than 10 times and one day I had enough, I looked at her and said I just don't agree with you and by the way, I'm a librarian and I've never seen that book in my library so until you can produce that book in print, stop saying it won't happen until I get to that chapter. She hasn't said a word to me about babies since...

KLake42 · October 2015

If someone wants to tell me that we live in a beautiful universe, and even when things are shitty, I'm still a child of God and am surrounded by love, that's fine.

But "maybe you're just not meant to be a parent" is not comforting.

So a good response might be-- The whole point of God's plan being mysterious is that none of us can imagine what it is, not me and not you. But faith can be a comfort in hard times, so thank you for trying to remind me of that.

lynda1215 · October 2015

I love my in laws, they are amazing and supportive, but sometimes say the worst things. Like "are you sure you want one of these" when their babies cry. People just don't get it. Hope I can practice being composed the next time they say something unintentionally hurtful.

God's plan should not come with a $20,000 price tag, but thanks!

plumeria05 · October 2015

I hate that phrase now. I usually walk away when I hear it. There's no reason why I'm struggling to have a baby. My husband and I are financially stable and emotionally available and all that's missing in our home is a child. There's unstable people who get pregnant with no effort. Ugh.

Rachd110 · October 2015

I agree that sometimes it's best to just hear, "that sucks" rather than "everything happens for a reason"

So how do you respond when people say, "all you need to do is pray. God will answer you if you pray to him." If I hear this one more time, I think I'm going to scream!

baker+RN · October 2015

@Rachd110"Sometimes it's hard to know what to say in these situations, and most of the time it's best not to say anything at all. 'That sucks' would be better than 'All you need to do is pray,' to be honest, because I'm not religious/I've already been doing that for X years."

(But if someone says "I'll pray for you," then just say "Thank you" and move on.)

ncm1919 · October 2015

I was at a gym class and did a modification that is usually reserved for people who are pregnant. Someone asked me if I was pregnant and I shot back 'No, I'm infertile'. Not my finest moment.

I also had a friend say it will happen when I stop stressing out. So I asked her if she thinks it's my fault I'm not pregnant after a year.

Again, not the best approach but I think these people deserve to be as uncomfortable as I am when put on the spot. Frankly, I don't give a shit anymore. If you haven't figured out how to be sensitive, I'll get your education started even if it seems like an out of proportion response.

ShayLatrice · October 2015

Natinat6 yeah, I make people uncomfortable as well now... when they ask me why I'm not pregnant or don't have a kid yet, I usually respond with very offensive questions like So, how is your vagina today? Or...my favorite response to the question itself...because my husband and I don't like God watching us have sex... the look on their face to either response makes my day better.

jilligan14 · October 2015

I have a friend who keeps insisting that I simply need to "talk to my ovaries" and that will solve everything. I'm always stumped on what to say in response but another friend suggested that I respond with "how do I know that my ovaries speak English?"

I have another friend who keeps telling me that maybe I'm trying too hard. But what am I supposed to do, just sit back and watch the years pass by? I'm always taken aback by these comments and need to prepare some good responses in advance...

kuposa17 · October 2015

@Natinat6 oh I am so with you, I just don't CARE anymore about being sensitive to orher people's INsensitive comments! My sarcasm just rips loose when people say stuff like that.

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