Advice on dealing with Mother.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

I hate to even put this here. I just dont know where to turn. A little back story..my fiance and i had fallen on hard time and had to give up our house..we were planning to move to missouri with his family where its cheaper. Then i found out i was pregnant and my mother begged us not to move and offered a small bedroom bathroom and kitchen/office space in their basement. Reluctantly i agreed knowing i have a hard time living with my mother. We have tried so hard to be non intrusive. We keep everything we own crammed into the space theyve alotted. I cook dinner nearly everynight for the family and we spend most of our time in the basement.
Well today i find out she has been complaining about me on facebook and how there baby stuff everywhere (which is so not true...i think i have the stroller in the corner by the door thats it) and how were always in the way.
Yet..when i loterally soend the day in our room shes knockong on the door saying oh whats wrong..come hang out with me. I just don't know what to do. I feel like a huge burden.
Any advice?

KristynLee15 · September 2015

Im sorry for all the typos and being so long. Im just a little frazzled

wildbutterfli2001 · September 2015

LIve your life. Don't fall into a trap of being too concerned with your mother. It will eat you alive. I speak from experience.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

I just dont want to burden anyone. And of she would say things to my face i could defend myself. I just feel like we cant do anything right.

Krysta6 · September 2015

How did you find out on Facebook? I would just calmly ask her if there is anything you all can be doing better while living there? Maybe it's something simple and she just hasn't had the nerve to ask. I wouldn't want to live with my mother either but since you're there I would try to make the best of it.

abkenyon · September 2015

My mom is like that. She lives with us in the basement (we have 2,200 sq ft upstairs and she has 2,200 sq ft downstairs) and she complains to her friends and sometimes right in front of me but then when I keep quiet and stay away a day or two she mopes around asking if I don't love her anymore. I have started to just ignore it and go about my business. The comments to people in front of me (she calls me a whiny baby when people ask how I'm feeling and I tell them the truth and she calls me a greedy mother when people ask about items on my registry) still really get on my nerves but there's nothing I can do about that.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

Ive asked her what i can do. And weve done it all. One of my cousins sent me her post. It just makes me look like were taking over and hogging the house (never mind she eats all my low carb food thats expensive and doesnt tell me...(i have GD) and i dont complain about that. I guess ill try your advice *abkenyon and kind of just stay quiet and keep to ourselves.. its hard to talk to her because she wont say the things to my face. ..she has a huge issue that my fiance isnt working right now. Hes looking for work and in school and foing all the home repairs my dad asks him to do. So imo hes earning his keep. It just doesnt ever seem to be enough.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

Ugh now im starting to totally sound ungreatful. I seriously appreciate them letting us stay here. And i swear i tell them all the time. Could it be that shes overwhelmed with the fact her baby is having a baby? This will be her first grandchild. And my little brother is getting married in 1 month. Maybe getting on my case is hownshes relieveing her anxiety??

Rikki_5 · September 2015

Maybe you should talk to her? Just a thought...if it were me I'd ask why she posted that...does she not want you there? How are you hogging stuff? I don't think posting things like that on Facebook is appropriate. Stand up for yourself and tell her if she has a problem then talk to you directly not blast you on Facebook! She sounds a bit immature. If she doesn't want you there you can always move to Missouri after baby is a few months old.

tate62610 · September 2015

I would absolutely bring it up to her.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

I wasnt supposed to see it basically so its hard to say something about that and i dont want my cousin in hotwater over it. Pretty much the plan is after my maternity leave i will give my 2 weeks notice. Then well be moving. I guess i just need to grin and bear it for now. It just hurt my feelings is all.

dchiapella · September 2015

Add her on FB... It could be she just likes being seen as a martyr. If that's the case, chances are she'll stop doing it on social media and only to her friends in person (still crappy, but better than publicizing it), if she doesn't, you need to have a serious sit down conversation and explain how hurtful it is to have changed your life plans so that she could be part of the baby's life and then feeling persecuted for that same change despite your best efforts to show your appreciation. Ask point blank what she wants from you and how she would like this coexisting situation to play out so you can better accommodate her wants and needs to where she can be comfortable.

Rikki_5 · September 2015

So are you not friends with your mom on Facebook? It would have hurt my feelings as well. Especially if my mom is posting something that everyone can see except me...I would definitely work on moving out as soon as you can! Good luck!

EllioCor · September 2015

Honestly, I knew after college that I love my family so much more when I am not living there. When I returned to my home state I lived with my parents for 1 month before finding an apartment with my (then) boyfriend (now husband). (This was 6 years ago and I was 22). I knew I would never live with them again and in your shoes, i'd get myself out. Whether going to Missouri as originally planned or just finding an apartment, I'd just get out. When they asked why, I'd just say we're happier on our own or we wanted this time as a new family.

KristynLee15 · September 2015

Rikki_5 said:
So are you not friends with your mom on Facebook? It would have hurt my feelings as well. Especially if my mom is posting something that everyone can see except me...I would definitely work on moving out as soon as you can! Good luck!

I actually dont have facebook at all

Louisl · September 2015

After a certain age, people very rarely change (unless there's a huge desire and/or lots of therapy). Anyone who posts negative things about their own (pregnant!) kid on social media is not very mature and is looking for attention more than solutions. I don't even think you should bother bringing it up to her. Unfortunately many of us have to deal with the reality of having parents who are significantly less evolved than we are and it's sad. But I think the best thing is just for you to keep your head down and get out of there asap. It sucks but now you know where you stand with her and you don't have to feel guilty about moving away.

momma=z · September 2015

She's your mom and probably still sees you as her little girl that she can complain about. My mom is the same way and I've learned that it's who she is. It's more about her than you. I had to go the therapy to figure out how to make the most of our relationship. I don't live with her so that's much easier to do from afar. I don't have the kind of mother I can talk to about issues or hurt feelings so I just try not to take things personally anymore.

rms924 · September 2015

After a certain age, people very rarely change (unless there's a huge desire and/or lots of therapy). Anyone who posts negative things about their own (pregnant!) kid on social media is not very mature and is looking for attention more than solutions. I don't even think you should bother bringing it up to her. Unfortunately many of us have to deal with the reality of having parents who are significantly less evolved than we are and it's sad. But I think the best thing is just for you to keep your head down and get out of there asap. It sucks but now you know where you stand with her and you don't have to feel guilty about moving away.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Can I get an amen? I am dealing with some parent drama myself and I am actually in shock at their behavior at the moment. I will leave that story for another day. I heartily second PP. Recognize that she's immature and prob has some other story she's concocted in her head about the whole situation. Just focus on getting yourself out of there asap, for your sanity and to avoid getting sucked into a spiral of negativity. This is a special time in our lives- we have to be selfish about ourselves for the moment and do what we can to get out of the orbit of our parents. You shouldn't feel bad about it- and coming from someone who has one extremely sensitive parent and another one that I am convinced is bipolar, i can relate to your wanting to do the right thing. But the harsh reality (that I've discovered) is that you can't ever make them happy, because they are fundamentally not happy with themselves.

I def relate and hang in there! And get out of there as soon as you can You can still have a decent relationship, but it's just not going to be that perfect mother/daughter relationship that you may be striving for.

Edit: Quote fail & I still can;t seem to fix it!

LaurenBee24 · September 2015

KristynLee15 said:
Pretty much the plan is after my maternity leave i will give my 2 weeks notice. Then well be moving.

Just a word of advice here.... Some compaines policies state very clearly that you have to repay some or all of ALL benefits received while on maternity leave if you leave within some amount of time after returning from leave. This includes not only your salary but also insurance premiums etc covered by the employer... This can be a substantial amount of money. I would talk to HR about your leave... You should be able to get documents in writing without showing your hand.

TahoeAugust · September 2015

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother

Your mom really sounds like mine. She will go out of her way to offer help but then gleefully turn around and complain about it to people behind my back or just use it against me later. This is so she can focus attention on herself. I have learned to keep my distance. Which hurts because I'd like to be able to be closer. I know for a fact that she has problems with being narcissistic and possibly borderline.
People like this are great at creating the feeling of guilt in others, especially their own children. Once I started reading about it it helped me gain insight and deal with her better without sacrificing my own sanity. It's hard... but take a look, it might help...

jasmineluke · September 2015

TahoeAugust said:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother

Your mom really sounds like mine. She will go out of her way to offer help but then gleefully turn around and complain about it to people behind my back or just use it against me later. This is so she can focus attention on herself. I have learned to keep my distance. Which hurts because I'd like to be able to be closer. I know for a fact that she has problems with being narcissistic and possibly borderline.
People like this are great at creating the feeling of guilt in others, especially their own children. Once I started reading about it it helped me gain insight and deal with her better without sacrificing my own sanity. It's hard... but take a look, it might help...

That is a great link. I too have researched the narcissistic mother concept and found it very helpful in getting insight. It helped me deal and cope with it better. Especially at this juncture of our lives - having a difficult mother can be so disappointing and the feelings you get from that let down are so confusing. The best thing to do is put yourself and your baby on a pedestal and give yourself the importance you deserve!!

VioletandRose · September 2015

TahoeAugust said:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother Your mom really sounds like mine. She will go out of her way to offer help but then gleefully turn around and complain about it to people behind my back or just use it against me later. This is so she can focus attention on herself. I have learned to keep my distance. Which hurts because I'd like to be able to be closer. I know for a fact that she has problems with being narcissistic and possibly borderline. People like this are great at creating the feeling of guilt in others, especially their own children. Once I started reading about it it helped me gain insight and deal with her better without sacrificing my own sanity. It's hard... but take a look, it might help...

+1 as the daughter of a narcissistic/borderline mother. That is a great link, I've read it before. Just remember to proceed with caution. Since she found out I was pregnant, my mom has gone way overboard with buying things and doing things for me/my fiancee/my baby. It's a hard situation because while I do believe she is excited about her first grandchild, I know that a lot of the "spectacle" she's making is a way to draw attention to herself and have something to use against me later for leverage. Boundaries are so important – set them now. Make it so that you do not have to depend on her for ANYTHING.

allispam · September 2015

Can I just say: "ugh...parents." Ditto on parental drama. I wish I had advice for you.... I spend my time trying to figure out how I can stay true to my desire to be different with our LO.

jenspeake · September 2015

I'm sure your cousin is not the only person you know who is friends with your mom on facebook so you should be able to bring it up without "tattling" on the source. I don't get people who complain about those they love on fb....especially SO's. Do you really want your family and friends to hate your SO? Because that is how they will eventually feel about them if you complain about them all the time!

thegingeravenger · September 2015

"Mom, I heard through the grapevine and saw the proof that you're saying that I'm a burden and taking over the house on facebook. I'm incredibly hurt that you didn't just come to me and tell me what I can do since I am staying in your house. I'm not trying to be a burden for the short time that we plan on staying here."

Depending on how that conversation goes you may want to speed up your move. I hate when people show everyone their dirty laundry over social media so I might be a little harsh on this. Don't worry about ratting your cousin out if your mom puts two and two together. Facebook (or any other form of social media) isn't a diary - that crap becomes public knowledge the nanosecond you press "post". I'm sorry that your and your SO are having a tough time.

Want a personalized experience?

Advice on dealing with Mother.

Re: Advice on dealing with Mother.

Choose Another Board

Search Boards