Am I just being a B?

Kelley421 · September 2015

Major in-law issues going on- of course to the ILs, I am the bad guy. My friends see it the other way around.
MIL text me pretty consistently, about every day, to ask if I have/need/want specific baby items. She looked up the car seats and stroller online, researched them and then told DH the terrible reviews (there aren't) and suggested another brand she thinks is better. Now she reviews my registry and texts me to tell me things she thinks I left off or forgot. I really did NOT ask for opinions or review. I didn't register for non-necessities, and my picks have been researched for what is going to work best for us- it pisses me off and makes me feel that she thinks I'm inadequate and ignorant so she has to step in.
I don't sit around all day and think about what I need/have/don't have for these babies, I don't need to stress. If it's not gifted and my children need it, for gods sake I will go BUY it.
She asked what expensive gear I'd like her to purchase, I told her and now she has forgotten and "I'm not letting her get anything."
So DH tells her that her scrutinizing the registry makes me feel that she thinks I'm an idiot. And now I'm the bad guy, she cries, I don't want her involved, I'm excluding her, my family doesn't like them, on and on.
I'm a pretty private person. She wants to go to a ultrasound, however I am not comfortable bringing her (or anyone but DH) to my doctors appointments. It's not a "everybody see baby show" , we are getting checked out! I agreed to go to a private US place if everyone wants to come and have a look.
In picking out baby items, the ONLY person I have asked an opinion of is DH. I don't care for any other opinions. DH and I seriously tell her
more and sooner than I tell my mother. I don't feel the need to send out texts to say what I've bought or to notify what I've selected. It is fun for me to have family visit and see what is new in the nursery from the last visit.
Don't get me wrong- I share some things- outfits, hats I've made-
I just don't overshare- and I'm a bitch because of it.
Part vent/part WWYD? Pretty significant rift at the moment over this.

l4rk · September 2015

Maybe set one on one time where you two go shopping and eat froyo together? You can test things out and make some decisions together? It sounds like she wants to make some big purchases for you, so you should try to involve her directly in whatever those are, and maybe even listen to why she likes some things over others. Maybe ask her advice on a couple things?

Honestly, yeah, she's being a total brat. But it sounds like she also just wants to be more involved and doesn't know how to make that happen.

I also agree with the private ultrasound. That seems like a good opportunity for her to see the baby without the medical side of things.

Leah6120 · September 2015

It's kindof more an issue of boundaries.. someone who will critique every item on your registry is unlikely to stop when the baby comes if you allow it to continue. At which point you'll be WAY more sensitive about it. I'd just calmly say (or have DH say) that these are the items you guys want and if she doesn't want to buy those then you guys will. Find kind ways to not let others make your decisions for you regarding your baby. It doesn't have to be drama.. at least on your end. Good luck!

carrcco · September 2015

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but it's always hard when the other person is doing everything with good intentions, because no one's really the "bad guy", you just have different notions of what's right/appropriate.

As for a WWYD, I think I might try to say something directly about how much you appreciate all her time and effort, but that you already feel a little overwhelmed by all the choices and she is making it harder, bit easier to choose (whether that's 100% true or not...) Hopefully she still feels apprecitiated but also realizes she's not being helpful.

Good luck!

ChrissyD1203 · September 2015

I think @14rk is spot on. You are in a tough situation and I completely understand how you are feeling and think your feelings are completely justified. That said--- without more info, is it possible that her actions are coming from a good place and she is just trying to be helpful (still doesn't make the way she is acting okay). Second thought is, you are lucky in the sense that for some moms providing for baby is a big financial struggle and it sounds like your baby will have everything he or she needs. Lastly, and I know this is hard, but sometimes it's not worth the fight, I hate to say it but can you suck it up and be the bigger person. For some, I think having a bad relationship with the ILs can strain a marriage. I have a great MIL, but she's not my mom, and sometimes she gets on my nerves. I bite my tongue instead of venting because I know it would just hurt my husband.

Blueyedsky · September 2015

Don't know if you're anything like me, but if someone suggests something I dont like for the baby, I usually say "oh that's nice" etc etc. Basically not willing to have a conversation about it cause I already know what I want and what's the point of arguing? But recently I've had people get pushy about it and want the passwords to my registry to add things etc, so I've started just flat out saying "oh I really don't like that" or " that's ugly" basically speaking my mind when they present stuff. Might be rude, maybe I'm coming off as super picky, but everyone has gotten the memo that if it's not on the registry, PLEASE don't buy anything expensive or insist I have to have it.

It does sound like she wants to be invlolved, but you're going to have to have the boundaries discussion

And if she really wants to buy you stuff, go on a trip together. And say stuff is ugly etc. But i think youd be crazy not to let her buy you some stuff, if that's really what's going to make her happy.

Wow that was long sorry.

ChrissyD1203 · September 2015

@Blueyedsky Ahhh people asking for your password is CRAZY! Please tell me it was like your mom, sister or closest friend and not your ILs or more distant relatives.

ntyravgsp · September 2015

I don't think you're being a B. I think your MIL is guilt-tripping you into doing things you don't want to do.
I'm also a private person, and I'll be honest, I'm a hard-ass. The ultrasound thing would really bother me. I'd share pictures from them, but I wouldn't go to get a separate ultrasound just for her, and definitely wouldn't let her in to your regular dr appts/ultrasounds. [-(
I agree with @Leah6120 - if you give her an inch she'll take a mile, and it won't stop after the babies are born.

If you care about her feelings, you can thank her for taking the time to review everything but that you are comfortable/happy with your choices re: registry, and that you'll let her know after they're here whether there is anything you feel like they are lacking. Follow through on that is up to you - of course you can and are willing to get things yourself but she really wants to help out and for some people, spending money on stuff is how they show it.

deaddahliah · September 2015

I agree with PP's, you're not being a B. MIL definitely needs to work in boundaries.

apinkpelican · September 2015

MIL needs to take a step back even if she means well she's being a baby/diva. And no way on the private US. Honestly that's too much to ask and way too personal. The baby will be here soon enough. Is this her first grandchild? Maybe let her feel your tummy when you are further along and LO is moving around. I did that with my MIL and she still talks about how cool that was as that her own daughter wouldn't let her do that.
My MIL is over bearing in the sense she buys DD (15mo) waaaaayyyy too much. She just bought her one of those push cars and told me she almost got us one for the new baby too. At this point I just let it go and if I don't like/need something I exchange it for something she needs.

l4rk · September 2015

apinkpelican said:
MIL needs to take a step back even if she means well she's being a baby/diva. And no way on the private US. Honestly that's too much to ask and way too personal. The baby will be here soon enough. Is this her first grandchild? Maybe let her feel your tummy when you are further along and LO is moving around. I did that with my MIL and she still talks about how cool that was as that her own daughter wouldn't let her do that.
My MIL is over bearing in the sense she buys DD (15mo) waaaaayyyy too much. She just bought her one of those push cars and told me she almost got us one for the new baby too. At this point I just let it go and if I don't like/need something I exchange it for something she needs.

Haha, funny how people have different perspectives. I would much rather have someone at an ultrasound than touching my stomach. I consider touching way more personal than looking.

Blueyedsky · September 2015

ChrissyD1203 said:
@Blueyedsky Ahhh people asking for your password is CRAZY! Please tell me it was like your mom, sister or closest friend and not your ILs or more distant relatives.

I know!!! It was one of my mom's friends from church. So yeah, not personal at all, but someone who thinks they're oh so helpful by getting in your business.

ntyravgsp · September 2015

Blueyedsky said:

ChrissyD1203 said:
@Blueyedsky Ahhh people asking for your password is CRAZY! Please tell me it was like your mom, sister or closest friend and not your ILs or more distant relatives.
I know!!! It was one of my mom's friends from church. So yeah, not personal at all, but someone who thinks they're oh so helpful by getting in your business.

SummerFall03 · September 2015

I could never have my MIL come to the ultrasound. We aren't close at all, because she has many opinions and most of the time I could care less to hear them. Honestly, you will be the bad guy no matter what you do- unless you cave and do everything she says. You have to try to ignore the comments. If she wants to make suggestions, let her! You don't have to listen to what she says, and if she asks "why" you didn't do what she suggested, then you tell her it's not what you and your DH wanted.

As for your appointment, just tell her no. Trust me when I say stand your ground. We didn't with our first and it's a massive regret of mine.

Kelley421 · September 2015

Thanks for the input ladies!
I've tried the- "oh that's nice", or "thanks for the info!" But I guess I still sound as if I am blowing her off.
Her other DIL brought her to a couple of appts and a private US, and asked her to review the registry with her to make sure she didn't miss anything. This DIL is a different culture and doesn't have a typical American mom that would do these things.
I do think she is trying to help, but it is overwhelming and overstepping. DH attempted to set boundaries nicely and it has blown up. He isn't talking to his parents now and apparently his dad said some pretty terrible things (he won't even tell me what was said). In setting boundaries, she thinks I am shutting her off completely and made this issue into much more.
Btw- I normally don't like to be touched, but I let family and friends touch the belly already. Just not strangers!
I would be more open to other strollers/car seats but having triplets and specific needs, there are only a few brands that will fit three seats across- so we can't just switch to anything. DH explained this- she wanted us to have a specific brand (for the name, of course) and it won't work with three.
DH thinks I should suck it up and call her, sort out the misunderstanding, swallow my "pride".

SummerFall03 · September 2015

Kelley421 said:

Thanks for the input ladies! I've tried the- "oh that's nice", or "thanks for the info!" But I guess I still sound as if I am blowing her off. Her other DIL brought her to a couple of appts and a private US, and asked her to review the registry with her to make sure she didn't miss anything. This DIL is a different culture and doesn't have a typical American mom that would do these things. I do think she is trying to help, but it is overwhelming and overstepping. DH attempted to set boundaries nicely and it has blown up. He isn't talking to his parents now and apparently his dad said some pretty terrible things (he won't even tell me what was said). In setting boundaries, she thinks I am shutting her off completely and made this issue into much more. Btw- I normally don't like to be touched, but I let family and friends touch the belly already. Just not strangers! I would be more open to other strollers/car seats but having triplets and specific needs, there are only a few brands that will fit three seats across- so we can't just switch to anything. DH explained this- she wanted us to have a specific brand (for the name, of course) and it won't work with three. DH thinks I should suck it up and call her, sort out the misunderstanding, swallow my "pride".

Are we the same person?? Lol! I have the same issues! My IL's stayed at the hospital the WHOLE time I was at the hospital during my last delivery, and they never left. I was told how to have my children (twin delivery so I had a c section, MIL did NOT like that), I also couldn't produce breast milk- even though I tried for 2 months, and my MIL actually got into a fight with us that almost destroyed any relationship with them. She felt I gave up too quickly and I should have done it longer. We straight up tell them how it is, and how it's going to be. You will never win, and it's incredibly frustrating. You have the baby, so she will get over it, because she won't want to miss out on things with the baby. Does that make sense? Just keep standing your ground. It's tough but it will get easier.

DrillSergeantCat · September 2015

Sounds like my ex MIL except she didn't start that BS until my son was going into high school. She would tell her teacher friends at his school that if they had any issues, they should come to her and she planned his first year of high school with him and shut me down any time I tried to give input. I very politely told her that when she does things like that it makes me feel like she feels I'm a bad mother. That apparently was too harsh and I wasn't allowed at their house for 2 weeks. She's part of the reason my ex is an ex. There's honestly no good answer, people like this aren't going to change. It would be best for you, if your husband deals with her on this stuff though.

Kelley421 · September 2015

@Scullahoo thank you for pointing that out! This is why I love you guys

He isn't making the first move to call them, so I'm not either. Not that he is "on their side" either, he stands by me and understands completely. Will just wait and see what happens I suppose, no more stressing!

apinkpelican · September 2015

ntyravgsp said:

Blueyedsky said:

ChrissyD1203 said:
@Blueyedsky Ahhh people asking for your password is CRAZY! Please tell me it was like your mom, sister or closest friend and not your ILs or more distant relatives.
I know!!! It was one of my mom's friends from church. So yeah, not personal at all, but someone who thinks they're oh so helpful by getting in your business.

Haha true. But I'd rather MIL touch my stomach for 1 minute than have to sit in a waiting room with her and have her there while I'm laying back on a table with goop on my belly just wanting to hear that nothing is wrong with my baby. This does not mean she can touch anytime!

Karenin · September 2015

It's not you, it's her.

My MIL and I are very different about this stuff too- I'm very private, like you, and she has no boundaries. However, she does not get all dramatic and hurt like your MIL is doing. The thing is, you will approach things differently, but she needs to understand these are YOUR babies, and while you want her involved, she's making this all about her. While wondering, preparing for triplets is stressful and a lot of work and you don't need to her adding to thaIf you're comfortable I would talk to her and say directly that you love her and are so excited to share this experience with her but that you are naturally a private person and you also need some of this stuff to be just between you and DH. Maybe think of a few things you can ask for her help with if she needs to feel included?

rah938 · September 2015

What is it with MIL and boundaries? Having lots of issues here too. I am fan of setting boundaries now as it never gets easier, especially when the baby is here. Mine can't seem to grasp there is a difference between my mom coming to help out after baby is born and her coming to sit and visit. She really just wants to come so she can say she helped.

There is a difference between being involved and being a complete control freak. If she really just wants to be involved, hopefully communication will help. If she's controlling, nothing will help I'm afraid.

l4rk · September 2015

I want to throw in the observation that a lot of MILs are retired and that's why they are overly involved. They have nothing but time on their hands.

My parents are busy bees so I see them every couple months. My in-laws are a similar distance away (1.5 hrs) but they are retired and I swear they are in town every week or two, wanting to drop by. I've had a couple freak outs about it over the years. Ahahah.

sherremcopeland · September 2015

My MIL is a nurse, so I wouldn't care about inviting her, though I haven't because I want to spend the time with my husband and my own mom. I definitely don't think you're being a B at all. This is YOUR baby...and you should do whatever you and DH want. I'm not one for confrontation though so id probably just ask DH to talk to her since it's his mom...that or just sort of ignore her gentle suggestions. The request for the password though would get a firm no immediately!

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