MIL against Pain Killers and just overwhelming mil

kim2075295 · September 2015

I had already discussed with my mother in law before about pain relief during child birth, and I know That most women would say you shouldn't drug your baby etc etc... but why not give a suffering women some relief it's been months of giving to the precious little one and some relief to help ease the burden of child birth is I don't think to much to ask for. After all there has not been strong substantial evidence of physical harm to the baby I am a child with 5 siblings all of us except 1 with epidural and all of us are fine. Any way I believe that it is the women's choice, if the women can and feels confident to bear the pain I praise her for doing it, but if a women is afraid and needs the relief then it is your right as a human to get it. Unfortunately I have a mother in law who thinks other wise, That women where made to suffer during child birth That a women has to feel pain because of the sins she has committed (having sex). When I told her I was planning to get the epidural she gave this look like I was less than her and said "really your getting that, I don't think thats good for the baby but what ever it's a your choice", I answered it is my choice and I will do it if I need. This is also the same women That while intoxicated told me that I didn't have it in me to be a mother That I was too uncaring. I guess I'm just venting but I can't stand how much she judges me and gives me her so called advice ( it's more like telling me what to do). I really don't know what to do I'm afraid when I have my baby she will never leave our place she is at my brother in laws everyday From lunch time to the kids bath time she doesn't seem to let the mother do much at all. I'm not looking forward to this and my husband I can tell will not be much of help to advise her not to be over bearing.

millereliz13 · September 2015

Just set boundaries now. Tell her you "appreciate " her input, however, this,is what you will be doing and leave it at that. Talk with your husband and how you feel and ask him to back you up. He's your partner, so, he needs to help handle it.

emeraudecephiro · September 2015

Good thing it is your body, not hers.

I agree, your husband needs to set boundrirs and step in.

CocoR04 · September 2015

Boundaries - now!! It might be hard or even terrible to go through, but you need to establish control of your body/baby/home ASAP and let her know where she fits in. My MIL had many tantrums and fits over our wedding plans because she was acting like it was her wedding. Before we got pregnant, DH had an intervention with her about her behavior and all has been well since.

MamaOwl15 · September 2015

Is your MIL giving birth to this baby, or are you? While many women do choose unmedicated natural childbirth, lots of women opt for the pain relief and no one can make you choose. Your baby, your body, your choice.

And women are supposed to feel pain in childbirth because they "sinned?" Does that mean if you need a root canal you don't get anesthetic because you have to do penance for the "sin" of getting a cavity? SMH . . .

CCasey2015 · September 2015

kim2075295 said:
I had already discussed with my mother in law before about pain relief during child birth, and I know That most women would say you shouldn't drug your baby etc etc... but why not give a suffering women some relief it's been months of giving to the precious little one and some relief to help ease the burden of child birth is I don't think to much to ask for. After all there has not been strong substantial evidence of physical harm to the baby I am a child with 5 siblings all of us except 1 with epidural and all of us are fine. Any way I believe that it is the women's choice, if the women can and feels confident to bear the pain I praise her for doing it, but if a women is afraid and needs the relief then it is your right as a human to get it. Unfortunately I have a mother in law who thinks other wise, That women where made to suffer during child birth That a women has to feel pain because of the sins she has committed (having sex). When I told her I was planning to get the epidural she gave this look like I was less than her and said "really your getting that, I don't think thats good for the baby but what ever it's a your choice", I answered it is my choice and I will do it if I need. This is also the same women That while intoxicated told me that I didn't have it in me to be a mother That I was too uncaring. I guess I'm just venting but I can't stand how much she judges me and gives me her so called advice ( it's more like telling me what to do). I really don't know what to do I'm afraid when I have my baby she will never leave our place she is at my brother in laws everyday From lunch time to the kids bath time she doesn't seem to let the mother do much at all. I'm not looking forward to this and my husband I can tell will not be much of help to advise her not to be over bearing.

Wait WHAT???? "women has to feel pain because of the sins she has committed (having sex)" ... Is this lady off her rocker? I've never heard such nonsense!

kfry22 · September 2015

I'm pretty sure it's your body and your baby thus your delivery. So you get to do whatever you damn well please. Not your mother in law. Tell your husband to tell her to back off.

Cupcakesandquilts · September 2015

Just don't share your plans with this woman. Simple as that. She's shown herself as being crazy, so believe it. You don't open yourself up to a crazy person.

nbpa3027 · September 2015

Yeah, she sounds like a peach. If you want an epidural, it is no ones business but yours and your doctors. I would just not tell her any more of your plans.

leighann1 · September 2015

I admit I skimmed and did not read all details, but I think as others have said: who cares what she thinks? Not her decision. Not her business. Change the subject when she brings it up, and avoid telling her any details about your plan.

May be easier said than done, but frankly, just learn to be a broken record with her. "Thank you for your input. Now how about this weather we've been having?"

thegingeravenger · September 2015

I'm petty and passive aggressive so I'd ask her if she eats shellfish when she starts talking about all women "suffering for sinning" since she's probably talking about the original sin. Talk to your DH/SO and have him set the boundaries that you two agree on. Also practice this sentence "MIL thank you for your advice, but I won't be discussing my birth plans right now" and then get good at changing the subject.

I really recommend your and your DH agreeing on the fact that she can't drop by every day and that she sure as hell can't come over unannounced. If she has a key to your place, change the locks just in case. From lunch until bathtime? I'd stab a bitch.

Littlehummingbird · September 2015

Like pp said, none of her business and not her choice. Also, for clarification, epidurals do not cross the blood brain barrier, which means it doesn't get to your blood so it it doesn't get to baby's blood or brain either. So, neither of you are being "drugged". Epidurals provide localized pain relief by bathing the lumbar nerves.

JaqiDec04 · September 2015

I have to admit, and not trying to be rude, but threads like this always confuse me. Never once, with either of my pregnancies, has anyone asked me about my birth plan. No one has ever asked me "are you scared? are you worried? are you getting an epidural?" Nothing.

So I seriously can't understand why everyone seems to be putting their nose in where it doesn't belong.

So basically, STOP OPENING THE DOOR to these conversations! Unless your MIL is sitting across the table going "Pass the potatoes. By the way, you better not get an epidural because your a sinner and it'll make you a bad mother", then these conversations are starting somewhere, and you are opening the door to these conversations.

When she asks about your birth plan just say "I've discussed it with my doctor and DH." And anything after that is "It's private." And if she continues to shove her unappreciated and inappropriate beliefs down your throat, just get up and walk away.

No one is forcing you to sit there and listen to her.

kirsty100 · September 2015

Sounds like my mil she's been a night mare! Your body your choices and if you don't want her around then don't have her there all the time, my mil slipped up and went too far with her behaviour few weeks ago and I pretty much lots it and told her how it is, me being a person who doesn't like confrontation she hated it, we didn't talk for few weeks she had planned to sell the house and move away(melodramatic much), just because I told her to back off im the mum as she was jealous of my own mum spending more time with baby then her! Your better off getting on top of it now so it doesn't come to that, my mil and myself I still don't have a great relationship because she crossed lines that never need to be crossed but I'm civil she did slip up today and told me that her baby but quickly corrected herself. That's right I'm giving birth to her she's my boyfriends and my baby so back off lady! Just be honest if she's not happy well shell end up missing out in the the end. Don't let her dictate your life.

ruthsurface · September 2015

Wow... I completely understand what you are going through... I'm having some of the same fears with my MIL, worried she will not respect any of my decisions. Thankfully my husband has been helpful in setting boundaries in some situations we have come upon. I agree that's it's going to be a struggle to set those now but it will be easier in the long run when everyone is aware. You are this child's mother: not her! It's your home, your family and you should not feel attacked for doing your best or what you think is right!! Like someone else said try to avoid conversations that bring up her opinions. Try not to let her comments get to you when she does make them. I don't bring things up with my MIL but she pushes about everything (ie she wanted to pick my obgyn, our pediatrician, our new house, set up doctors appointments, plan all of our entertainment, apparently I'm supposed to go sit at her house while my husband is at work in case I go into labor...) and has made it very clear she is disappointed when we don't do exactly what she wants with complete disregard to our planning.
I have already decided that if my MIL can't follow guidelines that we have carefully decided for our kids she will not be keeping them. In her mind she is going to raise our kids and I'm supposed to go back to work (not happening!!!)
Yes, MILs and parents will always be parts of our lives and we do have to be respectful as they are family but that doesn't mean you have to let them mentally or emotionally run over you for the rest of your life!!!

Separate yourself as much as needed for your sanity's sake! I would really encourage you to talk to your husband about this and let him know how you are feeling about this. He didn't get to chose his mother but he chose to marry you!!
I hope we can all remember our struggles and not put our kids through this!!

RNmommy13 · September 2015

This lady sounds crazy. I think we are ment to reproduce and to do that you need to have sex. And with DS it was totally out of fear for the unknown that I got the epidural right when I got to the hospital. Going to try with out one this time do to my fast labor and knowing kind of what to expect but believe me. If it gets to bad or things don't progress as expected I am getting one. And baby will be just fine this time around too. Your baby will be perfect and you should do what you feel is best

ash413 · September 2015

I also have a BSC MIL and honestly, you need to get your husband on board. This is only going to get worse once you have the baby.
It is his mother, he needs to get a backbone and set the boundaries with his mom. My husband had to do the same thing with his mother, our decisions are not up for discussion. She still throws a fit but know that the decision is final.

If you don't get this in check ASAP it will get worse, and can strain you relationship.

bethstatzer · September 2015

Who cares? You need to do what you're comfortable with obviously.

kim2075295 · September 2015

Thank you ladies, with all your encouragement I can get my back bone back now, it's going to be a tough conversation with him but it must be done. I know she feels left out because she only had sons and want to take the role like she is my mother and be there 24 / 7 but not even my mom is like this she has really let me grow in to my own person only really offers advice when I ask her but the mil has already stated her advice 100 times. Anyways thank you much ladies can't let you know how much better I feel after reading through your comments. I'll be taking the advice and try to set the boundaries now.

blsav23 · September 2015

An OB once told me (and everyone can take it for what's it's worth--I'm not saying it's 100% right) that an epidural causes the baby & mother to be healthier after delivery as it causes less stress for everyone involved. It makes sense to me but I also support women who go without. Bottom line--it's your experience & you must do what's right for you & your baby!

AiramJ · September 2015

Your choice what you want to do. BUT some pain relief does affect the baby, not in a nice way either. If you really need the pain relief and know what each of them do to you and your baby, then you make the right decision. Your MIL should only give advice, not tell you what to do.

danixbanani24 · September 2015

I have a piece of work MIL too so I understand your feelings. I've noticed my DH doesn't get it either. I've finally given up being nice and just saying what I want to say since she does too. Stand your ground and don't let her steamroll you or that'll set the tone for the rest of your relationship. I've had to shoot my MIL down several times just this past weekend because she thinks the baby's nursery is HERS to dictate how to decorate and what not. She actually drives me insane. Ugh.

kstitt0830 · September 2015

MIL troubles...I get that 100% ...shut that down NOW! Not to sound like a bitch, but YOU are his wife and HE is your husband, PERIOD she needs to learn her knew role and shut up! Your husband needs to be the one to tell her to back off and he needs to publicly support you and discuss it privately with you if he doesn't agree with you, this way you two seem like a united front and people like mother inlaws will be less likely to offer up "advice"
Sorry this comment seems a bit heated but I'm dealing with the same MIL issues and it drives me insane!
Watch everybody loves Raymond lol it seriously makes you see your MIL in a whole new way lol!

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