I am really losing it, guys! Long post...sorry!

laurenmdrn16 · September 2015

Ok so I slipped (again) and told my sister I am pregnant. Her reaction was...unexpected to say the least. This going to be long, but I just gotta get it all out!

A little background: she is the youngest, single, just turned 25, and is incredible with kids. She is our go-to babysitter and loves our 2yr old son to death! She was super helpful when I first brought him home and was still recovering post emergency CS after a horrendous experience with pre-e (see my intro). She is the only non-nurse in the family so she always feels left out when we talk shop, but she is the most caring of us all.

So, today I was picking up my son after a sleep over with auntie and somehow said something that made my sister joke "What, are you pregnant or something?" and she could tell by my horrible poker face. Then she says "But you weren't planning it, right? So...how does THAT happen?!"

I was mortified. I stammered a lie about birth control pills, but she kept at it. She said "I mean, you are in the same shape you were last time. What are you going to do to make sure you don't get sick again? I thought Renny was going to be an only child! I just don't get how you can accidentally get pregnant again! You have to tell Mom or I will!"

I broke down sobbing and just got my kid and left. But she is coming over tomorrow to help set up my son's birthday party and I just don't know what to do or say. I'm thinking just pretend none of it happened? I am feeling so ashamed and embarrassed because she is right, but also pissed as hell she would say that to me! Just so many emotions right now and I am questioning if this pregnancy is as horrible as she made it out to be.

Tldr: My sister guessed I am pregnant and reacted in the worst possible way. Help!

gooberdoofus95 · September 2015

I'm sure she is just worried about you! Considering you said you had a very bad case of pre e it probably scared her more since she is the only non nurse in the family. I wouldn't want to lose one of my sisters over something that could have been prevented. I'm sure she is thinking something along those lines! If you don't mind me asking was there something that particularly caused pre e for you? I didn't think it was something that could be prevented.

laurenmdrn16 · September 2015

gooberdoofus95 said:
I'm sure she is just worried about you! Considering you said you had a very bad case of pre e it probably scared her more since she is the only non nurse in the family. I wouldn't want to lose one of my sisters over something that could have been prevented. I'm sure she is thinking something along those lines! If you don't mind me asking was there something that particularly caused pre e for you? I didn't think it was something that could be prevented.

See, that's the thing. There was nothing about my pre or perinatal health status that would predispose me to pre-e since it is not preventable. She just assumes that because I am overweight (she is a fitness nut) that must have caused it, but being overweight does not cause or necessarily increase your risk of pre-e. I know my mom and older sister understand that because we all are nurses and my older sister has worked as a maternity nurse specializing in surgical cases so she has assisted on dozens of emergency CS for women with pre-e. But my younger sister has no background knowledge.

I guess you are right that she is just worried, but it was still super hurtful to feel like she was accusing me of something. I hope it all just blows over, but it definitely is making me want to wait as long as possible to tell anyone else!

Bluejay3030 · September 2015

I'm sorry she reacted like that; I would have been hurt, too. I agree with PP that a lot of it probably is worry/fear of the same thing happening again. I hope you two are able to mend fences soon, and I hope you have a healthy 9 months ahead of you!

CharleyMocha · September 2015

Ugh I'm sorry she reacted that way but I agree with her being worried.

I'm sure it kind of blindsided you espically since it sounds as if you all are close.

Hugs and I hope you get better reactions from other family members.

lalala2004 · September 2015

I agree with PP who said she is just worried about you. I'm sure it comes from a place of love. Also, it is probably shock and surprise. She assumed you wouldn't want to go through a pregnancy again because of your traumatic experience.

Hopefully you can talk about this and not let it drive a wedge between you. This seems like genuine concern to me.

chottomotto · September 2015

I'm sorry for everything you went through. I had post partum pre-e with my first and ended up in the hospital for 3 days a week after I delivered. With my son, I was put on blood pressure medication and had absolutely no complications. I was really worried about a repeat 911 rescue, but I actually felt fantastic after my 2nd delivery.

You're ahead of the game this time. You and your doctors will be vigilant for signs of pre-e. And like I mentioned, you can stop it before it starts with medication.

I also think you should talk to your sister again. Tell her you're sorry you lied about your birth control failing, but you became pregnant deliberately, knowing that you're likely to have a perfectly safe delivery this time around. She may be extremely worried about you until the baby is born and she sees for herself that you're ok, but don't leave this lie hanging heavily between you.

saladflambe · September 2015

Dude, my mom got pre-e and HELLP with me and she was not overweight at all when she got pregnant.

Then, her second pregnancy, she was overweight...and had no pre-e, no HELLP...just mild gestational diabetes that went away right after delivery and never even required insulin.

So, 1.) don't think that you will "definitely get pre-e" because you had it before, 2.) you can definitely get it overweight or not, so don't blame yourself at all, 3.) your sister was a jerkface and you should tell her she hurt your feelings.

Bltbear82 · September 2015

I'm sorry she didn't have the reaction you wanted. Since you mentioned she's not in the medical field, I can understand why she may have thought you were more likely to have it twice given the severity of your situation last time, but it doesn't make it any easier for you to hear. And I get that being caught off guard makes it harder to be rational and just correct her.

If it were me and a family member had a similar reaction I would say something like - "I know what happened last time, there's no guarantee it will or won't happen again but I'm scared too and I could really use your support. What you're doing makes me more anxious and it isn't helpful."

She's coming from a good place, but maybe sharing how her reaction upset you would help and educate her a bit more so she can be supportive instead. Hope you don't have to go through the same thing again!

vinerie · September 2015

laurenmdrn16 said:
I just don't get how you can accidentally get pregnant again! You have to tell Mom or I will!"

Wait, WHAT? You all are grown, right? Your sister sounds very helpful and all, but who says that?

Bookhousegirl · September 2015

Wow that sounds awful! I'm sorry you didn't get the support from your sister that you were looking for!!

As PP's said it most likely is coming from a place of worry, not that it makes it right. Maybe mention something to her about what you heard/how you felt when she reacted that way, she may not realize how much her opinion means to you. Like others said, give her the facts about pre-e to educate her but also try to stay confident in the fact that you are an adult and you are in charge of your life. Your sister can have an opinion about your choices, but you and your husband are the only ones who make decisions for your family.

kdandrews8 · September 2015

If it makes you feel any better, my future sister in law knows im preg (with my 1st) and she's getting married a week after my due date. Not great timing but it wasn't planned.. but we are still so excited! She actually admitted that she cried for 3 days because she is convinced I did it on purpose to ruin her day, not because she is happy for me. So hurtful but talking to her may make you both feel better about the situation -- good luck!

lest12 · September 2015

I am sure that your sister just meant well, but I think she owes you an apology. Her reaction was unfair, whether she was concerned or not.

laurenmdrn16 · September 2015

Thank you all for your insight and advice. This is why I love these groups! So for an update: yesterday was my son's birthday party and we had 54 people over! Anyways, my sister came early, but so did my MIL so we couldn't really talk, but at one point she saw me watching my son playing with a 5month old younger brother of one of his friends and she whispered "Renzo is going to be an awesome big brother!" and gave me a hug to help hide the tears that obviously came. I know we are going to talk for real at some point, but for now that made me feel much better.

And thanks to you awesome ladies, I have a better perspective and some ideas about how to approach telling her how I feel and explaining in a way that can reassure her that she will still have her big sister as well as another nephew or niece!

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I am really losing it, guys! Long post...sorry!

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