Keeping pregnancy a secret from coworkers

ceeesprof · September 2015

Here's my scenario: I'm headed to a week long conference on Sunday with another professor and four graduate students from my home institution. It is a very small conference and therefore very field-specific. Everyone I know from my professional life will be there, including my former PhD advisor and classmates. Drinking is a large part of our scientific culture. Besides the opening and closing banquets and posters sessions where the alcohol will be free-flowing, it's not uncommon to also hit the bar after sessions or at least have a beer with dinner. These are all things I've taken part of in the past, and I'm afraid it will be obvious why I'm not drinking. The way I see it, I have two options:

1. Announce my pregnancy to my group members and select local colleagues before leaving so I can be honest at the conference. I had wanted to wait to announce until at least my first midwife appointment later this month.

2. Try to make a variety of excuses and do damage control back at my home institution if they fail.

What would you do in my situation? Are there other options I'm just not seeing? If I go with option two, what are some good excuses?

Jparke2 · September 2015

Maybe you could say you are on a new medication that doesn't mix with alcohol? Or you can say you just started a specific diet regime that doesn't allow drinking alcohol. That's a tough one, good luck!

Edit: another idea! You could say you just had a stomach bug and the thought of alcohol makes you feel sick! Just say you're still bouncing back to normal!

Jesse835235 · September 2015

Can you just have "mixed drinks"...i.e. put water or whatever mixer (cranberry juice, etc.) without the alcohol? Nobody would know any different unless they drank it. I was at a wedding this last weekend and just drank water in short bar glass and if someone asked I said it was a malibu water.

mrslampert · September 2015

I would make excuses! I've thought about this too, going into football season it is beers every weekend!

I would go with a couple of the old stand-bys....

1) I'm on some antibiotics, I can't drink on them.

2) I'm so hung over from last night, I couldn't possibly drink again

3) Get to the bar early, tell the bartender to only pour you non-alcoholic versions of drinks. ie, wodka/7, with only 7. Make sure they put a lime/lemon in it then it will look like an alcoholic drink.

4) I'm on a diet/cleanse. I don't want to use up all my calories on alcohol.

5) Walk around with an empty beer bottle (or rinsed out, and refilled with water). It will look like you're drinking, whether you bring it to your lips or not.

Kennedy0830 · September 2015

My sister went to a bar with us when she was 6 weeks pregnant, she just told the bartender on the side to put water in a short glass with a lemon and no one knew the difference! Or you could do sprite too.

I caved and told 2 of my female coworkers. I knew they would understand and know when to give me some space when I'm not feeling well

vinerie · September 2015

Fellow academic here! I totally understand the drinking/socializing that happens at conferences. My grad school friends would notice if I wasn't imbibing. I am trying to hide it from my friends now and the line I'm using is "I'm on a kind of health kick with no drinking right now." Honestly, it's been working just fine.

mslovesbo · September 2015

@vinerie @ceeesprof glad I am not the only one in the academic boat. I am dreading colleagues finding out...not that I really care, but I am not naive enough to think it doesn't effect my academic reputation, work-load perception, tenure-talks, etc.
Out of curiousity, how long are you two waiting to tell your universities?

vinerie · September 2015

@mslovesbo I just got tenure this summer, so that's a load off.

I am thinking of telling my dept. head at the end of the fall semester or whenever I start to obviously show--whichever comes first! I'll tell my grad students then, too.

IN the academy, women with kids are less successful in achieving tenure and promotion than women who do not have kids and all men, so it's an issue. I'm trying to figure out how best to move forward. Two of my female colleagues are navigating this before me (one had her child already, one is due in early November). I think with a critical mass, we may be able to protect ourselves, so to speak. Maybe. I'm hopeful, at least.

mslovesbo · September 2015

@vinerie I love that you have female support. Strength in numbers for sure. This part of academic life had me depressed just thinking about navigating during graduate school. This is baby #2 for me. I don't think anyone will be surprised (and like I said I don't really care, I just know there IS an impact), but I think they will be surprised at how quickly after baby #1 (expecting "didn't we just take it easy on her last year and now we have to again next year?" type attitudes).

One of my male grad colleagues told me a few years ago that I would need to wait until after being hired AND after being tenured before even thinking about TTC. The whole comment pissed me off...#1 assuming I didn't know the consequences and needed a man in the field to tell me and #2 I was already waiting much longer than I wanted too to start my family (until after PhD was complete and I was hired). As if women don't have a hard enough time getting promotions (especially tenure), but we also physically have a more difficult time getting pregnant after a certain point, too. Ugh!
Maybe our generation of women will make it better for the next.

BeansMom2014 · September 2015

Ditto what others said! The antibiotic excuse is a great one. It might not be a bad idea having at least one person in your group know so they can help when others start with the peer pressure - or just in case you get a bad case of morning sickness, she/he could cover for you.

AliK7151 · September 2015

It can be a big pain in the butt, but I'm a social drinker and know my coworkers will suspect something if I'm all of the sudden not drinking. I catch the hostess, waiter or bartender and just tell the my situation - if I order a vodka soda lime, just make it club soda with a lime. No one knows the difference and it's nice not to have a hangover

dsmith211 · September 2015

I'm a social drinker as well and my work has a lot of happy hour/social functions where people get together and drink. Some of the people I also see outside of work so it would be a bit obvious in that respect. I think one person is actually already catching on tbh.

I want to keep it to myself as long as possible but I plan on telling my family not long after my first appt and my parents are technologically inept and will end up spilling it on Facebook I'm sure and I'm friends with a few people from work on Facebook. So basically I'm waiting to tell anyone until I want my work to know.

buffythevampireslayer · September 2015

I have been ordering half cranberry juice and half seltzer water with lime and people have no idea there isn't any booze in it. Also, I've ordered a beer and taken one sip and just held the same one all night and sometimes people have no idea, especially if they are drinking a lot.

I also think the cleanse thing is a good call--people will always buy that! You could also say that you are abstaining because you are hoping to get pregnant soon, if you are comfortable with that, and are just trying to be as healthy as possible.

Some people will totally catch on and prod you but you can always deal with that on the back end! Good luck! I am traveling for work this weekend too and am hoping no one notices my exhaustion and lack of drinking.

doozer1345 · September 2015

I'd say new medications or that you're getting over a stomach bug.

JRTWM · September 2015

I had to tell my co workers because I do catering and can involve heavy lifting. Since im high risk for MC i refuse to do any heavy lifting until Dr says otherwise.

ceeesprof · September 2015

Thanks for all the input, ladies! I think I can fake it with mocktails during the main events and will just use the excuse that I'm trying to cut back on my alcohol intake for dinners, etc.

@mslovesbo @vinerie It's so nice to know some other female academics here! I'm putting in my renewal package now, so I'm going to wait until it gets to the Dean's hands to announce my pregnancy to my Department Chair. I would expect that to be around Thanksgiving. Of course, if I start to show before early, then I'll have to spill the beans early. I'll be the first female to test the maternity "rules" in my department (stop the tenure clock, etc) in at least a decade, so it could be an interesting ride. Based on other comments he's made, the faculty member who I work most closely with and who is one of my official mentors will be very supportive. Since he's a heavy hitter in the department he might be able to smooth over any bumps along the road.

vinerie · September 2015

ceeesprof said:

Thanks for all the input, ladies! I think I can fake it with mocktails during the main events and will just use the excuse that I'm trying to cut back on my alcohol intake for dinners, etc.

@mslovesbo @vinerie It's so nice to know some other female academics here! I'm putting in my renewal package now, so I'm going to wait until it gets to the Dean's hands to announce my pregnancy to my Department Chair. I would expect that to be around Thanksgiving. Of course, if I start to show before early, then I'll have to spill the beans early. I'll be the first female to test the maternity "rules" in my department (stop the tenure clock, etc) in at least a decade, so it could be an interesting ride. Based on other comments he's made, the faculty member who I work most closely with and who is one of my official mentors will be very supportive. Since he's a heavy hitter in the department he might be able to smooth over any bumps along the road.

If you have a mentor who is supportive and in a position of power in some way (even if that position is just one of high respect) you are in really good shape. That makes SUCH a difference. Our mentorship program where I'm at is a JOKE. I really believe in mentorship and my mentor has done nothing for me and truly made no effort; I tried to schedule meetings with her early on during my time here, and they were really awkward. Fast forward 3 years-- she found out I was offered another job and had the gall to be upset at me about it. She literally came and asked me why I didn't tell her first. I wanted to say, "Well, you haven't made the slightest effort to connect with me, so it didn't even cross my mind to tell you." I have a fantastic mentor from grad school who helps with a lot of stuff, but it would be nice to have someone in the dept. work the back channels and such on my behalf.

ETA: @mslovesbo: Gotta love some good mansplaining, haha. Ridiculous!

bgrace44 · September 2015

Well...I'm a recovering alcoholic 3 years sober so I have that excuse lol. I would make excuses tho...I am not telling any coworkers until I tell my boss and I want to wait awhile to tell him.

dbtberg · September 2015

Lol, I totally feel your pain! I'm in tech and since the median work age is 25 years old, there's drinking alllll the tiiiiime. Beer kegs at work, happy hours, etc. it's been a real struggle for me. How I've been coping is mocktails at bars - super easy, no questions asked. Good luck!!

yogahh · September 2015

One of the other managers on my team went on maternity leave last week, so telling my boss now would be horrific. She likes to use the word "torture" a lot, and I know this will completely stress her out. I did tell another team member though so I have someone to cover for me if I am running late in the morning or feeling sick. My 1st dr apt is 10/12, and Ill need to take a half day. I might tell my boss the week leading up so she understands why I need the time off.

telsmore · September 2015

My best one is you're doing a detox and bring some weird drink made from home in a bottle as evidence. Just make sure you look up a real detox recipe. And eat very healthy around them. A lot of people are doing these so its not abnormal unless you think they'd find it weird that you care that much about your health. I know for me it wouldn't surprise people cause they know I like to eat healthy.

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