Dealing with Negativity

kaitlyn592 · September 2015

I need some advice on dealing with negativity towards my pregnancy and choices. I know that everyone can relate to this topic regardless of who is being negative towards you. Unfortunately, as we get to that point of announcing our pregnancies, these negative people come out of the woodwork. They aren't excited for you, they have negative comments about you, they nitpick at your pregnancy or parenting choices and just overall bring you down.

Sadly, my story is about my mother. She's not thrilled about my situation because I got pregnant before I was married. She's the person who I'm supposed to go to with all of my problems and be the most excited with but she is actually the opposite. I avoid talking to her about any of my pregnancy things. She constantly acts like my pregnancy symptoms aren't normal and stresses me out. She puts down my choices to breastfeed and cloth diaper because she thinks it will be too hard. She never wants to talk about the happy things, only the financial, emotional, and physical burdens that are to come. Our discussions always end in a fight and me crying. I've tried multiple times to explain these feelings to her but her defense is she's just trying to be honest...she can't understand that the negativity is not helping in any way. However, I want to clarify, I have always been extremely close with my mother growing up. She was always an amazing mother who did everything for me. That's what makes this even harder for me.

Any advice on how to overcome this negativity would be so helpful. I think everyone can benefit from this discussion as we face the world with our pregnancy announcements. I wish everyone could be happy and supportive for all of us...

Snoflakes4eva · September 2015

I know its not what you want to hear, but I would just avoid talking to her about the pregnancy as much as possible. It doesn't sounds like anything is really going to change her feelings or general character. So I would look to get support elsewhere: SO, best friends, cousins, the bump, etc.

Anything you might not want to hear, does she have a point in what she is saying? Is she pointing out some things that you haven't thought about? For me, I would rather hear about all the burdens to come so that I can mentally prepare myself. If that isn't how you do things, just bean dip her when she starts turning negative.

ETA: Bean dipping

Mom: Ugh, how are you going to afford this baby. ITS SO EXPENSIVE!

Kaitlyn: I understand, but SO and I have it under control. Have you tried the bean dip?

Mom: No, you don't understand how expensive babies are!

Kaitlyn: Really, you have to try this bean dip. Its amazing.

Rather, rinse, repeat.

kimmecakes · September 2015

I already had it with my brother!
Oh my god your not ru?
You really wanna go through it all again!?
You must be mad! You are too old! You are supposed to be emptying your nest not restocking it!

My way of dealing with it now that close family knows is to not broadcast it to anyone who doesn't need to know.
I don't need any more opinions like that from people I don't care for.
The way I see it is once baby is here they will all go gooey for baby x

lc145 · September 2015

I agree with PP. My mother and I haven't seen eye to eye for years. We don't talk about my life, just keep up on my sibs. It was hard, and still is some days, but my life is so much better without all of the negativity. I had never realized how much of a burden it was.

I definitely agree that you should step back, evaluate your mother's concerns, and see if any are justifiable and need to be addressed. I would also find someone else you trust and ask for their honest opinion on some of your concerns. It was such a relief to talk to my MIL and hear her sister's MS horror stories and hear about my SIL's tough time BF her second. Having an extended support system is great, and something you should look into.

I hope things work out for you!

ETA: words are hard this early!

AmadorRose · September 2015

My family is very similar. I'll save you the drama, but the way I see it, if my own flesh and blood can't be bothered to be happy for me, they don't deserve to be part of my life. If she is negative throughout my pregnancy about either my biracial baby or my marriage to a man who isn't white, then she won't be welcome to be in my child's life. DH is my rock, his mother is amazing, and I honestly don't want my children around people who are going to shame them for their heritage. Maybe it's harsh, but I've gone through worse all on my own and I know that her support is not required for my baby's well-being.
It may not be an option for you to cut ties with your mother. Just so this isn't a completely negative post, it wouldn't be unusual for your mom to come around after the baby is born. You may always deal with a little snark, but who can resist that new baby smell?

@Snoflakes4eva - I'm totally stealing the "bean dipping" advice. Amazing!

cmerribury · September 2015

I have a slightly different perceptive, but clearly you have to do what you are comfortable with. When my parents divorced it was 4 months before my wedding and my Mom moved on very quickly. She began to bash my dad to me and generally start to act like a teenager rather than an adult (and my mom). So, I took her to lunch and told her it needed to stop. I explained that she had lots of people to say negative things to (her sisters, friends, new man) but that I could not be one of them. She had no idea that what she was saying was causing so much stress. She stopped and hasn't done it again. It's been 10 years. Sometimes we are negative without realizing the repercussions. I suggest talking to her about it first, especially since it sounds like you had a close relationship to begin with, and if she can't let it go, distance yourself from her until after the baby is born.

I'm sorry you are dealing with that.

TKaiser91 · September 2015

This a little similar with what happened with my mom. The first time around she was excited but i always got lectures anf negative comments from her about my DH and how i was raising my child. Sometimes she would be so mean about it that i would feel like a horrible wife and mother and started to get really depressed about how i wasnt a good enough person for anybody. Now i know she didnt mean to make it that bad for me and to this day still doesnt realize just how bad it got for me. But one day i just got fed up with it all. She was going on and on about how much i was raising my daughter poorly and my DH doesnt make enough money for us etc. And i just flipped. I told her that if that was how she felt then fine. Thats her choice. But i will not raise my daughter around somebody who is so negative, mean, and cruel. And she will not see my daughter grow up until she changes her attitude or atleast starts keeping those negative opinions to herself. I didnt talk to her for 2 days. She never apologized and we never spoke of what i said to her that day but i have not had a single problem with her talking bad on my husband or how i raise my child. Even when we got pregnant this time she was happy and i could tell she wanted to say something but she just said its a lot of stress and she would be there for me if i needed her.

sdashergreen · September 2015

I have kept my pregnancy to a small few because I just don't like the negative opinions of others seeping into my life. Don't let her steal your happiness.

Achieverjo · September 2015

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I have a similar situation with my SO's stepmother and dad. They believe that there's only one way to do things. People keep telling me they will come around when the baby's here, but I definitely understand how hurtful and frustrating it can be.

I just keep telling myself that you can only be accountable for yourself, and if they want to be hateful, then we don't have to see them that often. We have to respect ourselves by putting some distance between us and the haters. Not always easy to do when it's family... But you can't be awful to someone expect them to just take it all the time because you're related.

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