- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
November 2015 Moms
oliveoil95
member
Is it just me or does heartbreak feel worst when pregnant?!? :(
oliveoil95
member
I just have never felt heartbreak like this before. I feel so sad and I feel a part of my heart is empty now.
I got pregnant by a boy I've been best friends with for the past two years. He's been denying the baby since I told him I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I'm now 28 weeks along. He said he wouldn't give me anything to help me out for the baby until we had a paternity test done. It took 5 months to take a test and he stalled every step of the way. It took forever to get it done and we paid 1100 dollars for it. It was a Non-invasive test. And it came back that he was the father.
I gave him a couple days to think about the fact that he was going to be a dad. Then I texted him what are we going to do now. All I asked is that he tells his parents in pregnant and that he go to one appointment with me and we would talk afterwards. Then out of no where he tells me he won't give me any money or help until he we get another DNA test done after the baby's born. He never told me he was going to do this.
I was so excited when I got the results back I thought I would finally have an easy pregnancy and not be so alone. I thought he was my friend and I feel like he's trying to abandon me. I told him if he wants another test done we can go to court and get it done so he can pay for it afterwards. He begs me to not bring him to court but I don't know what else to do.
Im just so sad and alone right now. I've given this boy everything a person can give someone. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend but I did love him a lot.
I got pregnant by a boy I've been best friends with for the past two years. He's been denying the baby since I told him I was pregnant at 8 weeks. I'm now 28 weeks along. He said he wouldn't give me anything to help me out for the baby until we had a paternity test done. It took 5 months to take a test and he stalled every step of the way. It took forever to get it done and we paid 1100 dollars for it. It was a Non-invasive test. And it came back that he was the father.
I gave him a couple days to think about the fact that he was going to be a dad. Then I texted him what are we going to do now. All I asked is that he tells his parents in pregnant and that he go to one appointment with me and we would talk afterwards. Then out of no where he tells me he won't give me any money or help until he we get another DNA test done after the baby's born. He never told me he was going to do this.
I was so excited when I got the results back I thought I would finally have an easy pregnancy and not be so alone. I thought he was my friend and I feel like he's trying to abandon me. I told him if he wants another test done we can go to court and get it done so he can pay for it afterwards. He begs me to not bring him to court but I don't know what else to do.
Im just so sad and alone right now. I've given this boy everything a person can give someone. We were never boyfriend and girlfriend but I did love him a lot.
Re: Is it just me or does heartbreak feel worst when pregnant?!? :(
Thoughts and prayers for you and baby.
It's just upsetting for me. He says I'm the one who decided to have the baby so I have to take care of everything. He tells me he doesn't want the baby and if I can't afford one then I shouldn't be having it. I just don't understand how he can expect me to pay another 3 or 4 hundred for a paternity test while on maternity leave and especially because I already did that. It's not fair to me.
I hate how he puts everything on me. He's upset because I got pregnant then decided to keep the baby instead of having an a abortion or putting it up for adoption. I tried to tell him you can't just ask someone to do that.
He's trying to tell me they can't say he's the dad because its a prenatal test so he needs another one done.
It's not like I did this on purpose I was on birth control and took plan B. I did everything I could.
I feel like he's just stalling trying to give himself time because he doesn't want to tell his parents that the baby is his. We're both 20 years old. He refuses to even come and see me so we can talk in person. I hate having to text him about this. He says we live a long way from each other. We only 35 minutes away from each other. And he has time to go see our other friends who live an hour away though.
I really needed to vent because I'm freaking out. In going to tell him tomorrow that if he wants another test done that's fine. After the baby's born I'll set up a paternity test through the county. Then when the results come back that it's his he has to pay for the whole test himself. I'm not doing it.
Do NOT let him guilt trip you! Sounds like he's being very manipulative.
Don't forget your baby is the most important thing now and your #1 priority. It sucks he's being a douchecanoe about all this, but you're better off knowing his true character now.
Also, I'd like to say that I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine the hurt you feel since he was also a friend. Despite the emotional turmoil, I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
You are upsetting yourself.
It's a crappy situation but you need to accept that he doesn't want to be part of this and move on from it. By hoping he will change his mind and clinging onto a dream that isn't going to happen you are only making it worse for yourself. Stop focusing on what he's not doing and start focusing on what you can do.
There are a lot of women who would actually like to be in your position strangely enough, me included. My ex and the father of my baby is a loony tune. He's also selfish, manipulative and domineering. I would love for him to just disappear but he comes back and forth. He is going to be making my life very difficult forever now.
It was very upsetting for me at first and like you, I kept trying to get him to change his mind and be more involved. All it did was upset me, it didn't change him and his behaviour, it just made me angry with him and distressed me. Then when I stopped thinking like that, took control and started planning the future for me and my baby on my own I became much happier and more excited.
So my advice to you is stop living in the hope that he will change his behaviour and plan for the future without him. If he wants another paternity test then say ok, and he can pay for all of it. You DO NOT pay for any of it.
Just keep this in mind, going to court is shitty and expensive. You may not get out of it what you want either. So think on that long and hard as well. Is it worth taking him to court for a little bit of money each month because you are then going to have to arrange access and he will be involved in every decision you make for your child.
If he is as self centred and bloody minded as you say he is, he is going to make life very difficult for you. Personally I don't think any amount of money is worth that. If you can, just walk away.
Do NOT put any money towards another paternity test. You already have one, if he or the courts want one once baby is born, they will pay for it.
If you haven't already, you need to talk to a family lawyer so you can prepare to take him to court for child support.
It takes 2 people to make a baby, not being involves in the child's life is his loss, but he is absolutely still responsible for the child financially so hold him to it.
As the daughter of a POS dad I never saw a dime from him and my mom never bothered to try. She wanted freedom and space more than child support. I don't think you should spend any more money towards his cause- you gave him his test. He could just as easily not help you even after the second one.
I do also think it's time to let his parents know, as they're blood relatives of your baby. You never know who will pull for you and be in your corner. In the mean time relax and get yourself stoked to have your little sweet pea! You've gone through a lot this year.
I STRONGLY encourage you to listen to @ash413 and get thee to a family lawyer fast! I mean dang you already have a paternity test!! Should be a fairly simple case really.
Since his mindset is what it is right now I also really encourage you to ask him to give up his rights to the baby. No visitation or say in her life. That way he can't interfere but your child is financially provided for.
That's the best advice I can give you but I am really sorry he's such a dick.
My partner up and left us (me and our 2.5yr) daughter the day after we found out we were having baby #2.
Apparently being a dad to 2 was going to cramp his style of being the biggest loser in town and his new s kanky gf he was seeing behind my back didn't like the news.
So he left us for her.
Well, he has been through 3 gf's since and literally harasses me daily, and for some stupid reason although I know I don't need him. I'm actually doing better on my own.
I would take him back!
Some days I'm strong, others I just want someone here.
I'm scared of the thought of living in a town where I have no friends or family here and it's going to be me, my daughter, my newborn son and I'm having a c section!
When our daughter was 3 months old he was sentenced to 18months in jail for assaulting me.
And I did just fine on my own.
And so can you, although the help is great and the company is nice, it's not worth the trouble.
And your going to be emotional enough as it is once baby comes.
If he wants to walk away on his own son/daughter, let him.
Seriously it's his own loss.
Some boys wake up and step up to the job
Others run.
And the ones that run, are not worth a min of our time because our babies are going to grow up knowing there mum did everything we could!
Good luck Hun, and never think you are alone.
Yell out if you ever want anyone to talk to add me on Facebook if you like.
Kimmi-7@live.com.au
I agree with PPs the ex has shown his true colors and is not going to help you consistently without court order. This is one of many go rounds you've had with him on the subject. I think you have to recognize that when times get hard your ex is as spineless as a bowl of jelly. That's okay accept it and move on, you don't need him in your life and your child doesn't need to be forced to spend time with someone who resents them.
I would speak to a lawyer right away and start giving him deadlines. If you are going to try and work it out without using the courts, I would still recommend a neutral mediator (a family lawyer can recommend one). This way the discussion can stay focused and the mediator can make sure that you are all doing what is in the best interest of the baby.
As for his parents, I would actually handle this first. Once they know and have all of the information, they might get his butt in gear. I would simply tell (or text) him that if he hasn't told his parents by "X" date, you will be calling them. If he hasn't, then make sure you follow through. On the other hand, it might be a good idea for you to just go ahead and tell them because I don't really believe that he will be completely honest with them, whereas you can just come right out and say "I'm pregnant, the baby is his, he denied it so I got a paternity test and he is still refusing to believe it." You know him and his family better than us, so would know which would be the better option.
Wishing you lots of luck in this situation!
If you do decide to take him to court you might want to wait until after the baby arrives before filing. Reasons being:
1. When the baby arrives he might just change his attitude. So instead of rushing in now and spending a lot of money, time and energy on it, just wait a little bit longer.
2. Going to court is shitty and draining and very distressing. You don't want to be dealing with that right at the end of your pregnancy or worse, right after you give birth. You can't take your baby to court with you, so you would have to leave your new baby for a good 3 hours to attend pre hearings etc.
You also need to consider your emotional state right after giving birth. You are not going to be in the best place emotionally to deal with the pressure of going to court.
3. Your focus should be you and the baby, and you want to be able to enjoy those first few weeks with your baby, not be distracted by a court case.
My ex has applied for mediation now, and I am being forced to go as its mandatory before you can proceed to court in the UK. The first mediation meeting is going to be when I'm 36 weeks. There will be between 3 and 5 meetings every 2 to 3 weeks. So I am going to have to go to meetings right around my due date and right after I give birth. That means being separated from my brand new baby in the first few weeks for hours at a time while I attend the meetings.
I cannot even put in to words how distressed I am over this.
It's a f-ing nightmare. And a very expensive one at that. I would rather get no child support than have to go through this.
So don't rush in, think things through very thoroughly before you make any decisions.
You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em.
Yes I would like his parents to know. I think the reason he won't talk to them is for that exact reason, they will get his butt into gear! He says they won't help us and it doesn't have anything to do with them so he isn't going to tell them right now. But me wanting him to tell his parents has nothing to do with money. I was very close to my
grandparents and loved them very much I want my baby to have them in our life. A grandparents love is a different type of love that everyone should have.
Everyone thinks I should bring him to court. And to be honestly I do too. I'm so stressed out and can't sleep a night anymore. I thought we were friends and cared about each other. I understand that we're both still young, and I knows he's scared but I am too. We need each other. I want to go to court and at least file the papers or talk to someone about all of this. I want to at least scare him and show him in serious and court is the only way to do it. Even if someone just called him or they sent a letter to him. Is court really as expensive as some people are saying it is? I'm not sure I can afford to do court if thats the case.
The thing is though I feel like some of his behavior is my fault. I've always given him what he wants. In the past year or so he's done a couple things to me to really humiliate and scar me almost. I still always went back to him. And I've been moody lately and taking it out on him. I think I'm pushing him away. When I first told him I was pregnant he was scared but a part of him I could tell was happy that it was me having his baby. I just want us to be back to our old selves. I don't want my baby to grow up with parents who detest each other.
No more paternity tests, you catered to him once and it came back that he's the dad, it's done. Don't waste anymore time thinking or stressing about it. He's just trying to delay or delude himself into thinking the test could've been wrong and it's not.
Get in touch with a family lawyer and find out everything you need to do. Because you do not want to leave things open ended. Have him sign away his rights and whatever else you need to do to make sure that this won't come around to bite you in the ass. Make sure everything is on your terms and you don't give in to any manipulation on his part.
Court, if it does come down to all of that (and if that's what it takes to make sure you have full custody then that's what you need to do), is going to suck. Especially if you're heavily pregnant. But this is all for your child and what is best for the both of you.
Cease contact and start saving/printing all previous conversations you've had with him.
A friend of mine has a kid with a guy who's in jail, he went to jail before he was born. They were engaged but she broke it off when things started going downhill. I know this guy loves his kid but I also know he's all about himself. She is terrified that when he gets out (next year) he will end up taking her kid away from her. Because apparently if there are no custodial rights set in place he can take the kid to the park and then take off and there isnt much she can do (I don't know all of this for sure and it could be different in other states) so she's currently looking in legal matters to get this fixed.
Absolutely look into telling his parents, if you've a decent relationship with them, they're going to be grandparents and I'd think they'd want to know.
And court can be expensive but get in to someone for a free consultation, you don't know the actual prices until you've talked to someone that works it.
Sorry for the long windedness. And good luck with everything!
2. If he wanted to be there, he would be there.
3. Please don't use court as a way of getting him back..you will only end up more hurt and won't be helping your child. Court should be used to help pave the road for a better future for you and your baby.
These are difficult choices you have to make, but nothing in this world can make you stronger than being someone's mommy. Everything you do now is for that little one.
Tell the grandparents. They may push him to do the right thing and keep it from becoming messy.
Contact a family attorney or do your own research for your state regarding child support.
If the grandparents get his ass in gear then it may just be some paperwork that needs to filed, keeping it all rather inexpensive.
I've got personal experience with the child support system and have taken these steps with my ex. It's relatively simple.
The third reason is because he hardly ever wanted to spend time with me. Pretty much the only time we spent together was when he took me to my ob appointments and then he took me home. Then he stayed and hung out for (at the most) five minutes. He always said it was because he had to go home because he had to be up early the next morning for work. Keep in mind that my appointments were always around 1:30 in the afternoon.
The final straw was when he spent about $60.00 on clothes for our daughter, and then not even five minutes later complained about spending so much, not to mention he wanted me to pay him back (even though he got more money than me per month.) I'm on disability for personal reasons.
I'm sorry about the super long venting session. To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure what to do. I've had friends and family tell me to go after him for child support, and I have family tell me to just say I don't know who the father is, because then the state will pay.
I am just at a complete loss as to what to do. And this is my first child, which makes it even scarier for me. I would definitely welcome any advice or input as to what to do.
Things are only going to get more difficult and more expensive. If he's nickel and diming you now I'd have a serious conversation about the future costs you're about to endure. It takes two people to make a baby and he is partially responsible for them.
If he continues being stubborn and unsupportive it's time to get the courts involved to get everything in writing and peace out so you can work on finding your bliss to take care of your baby!
Good luck.