Lack of family support/baby showers (other persons pregnancy mentioned)

Soverthis · September 2015

While we have been ttc many many many friends, family and coworkers have had babies. Each announcement makes me so happy for others. But of course a tiny bit of me is sad it isn't me. Not that I don't want anyone else to get pregnant. I just want it too. I try to remind myself to put out positive energy and all that. We told my parent in laws a couple months ago that we are struggling with infertility. We have opted not to discuss with other family members at this time as we are not particularly close to them. Then of course my sister in law gets pregnant on her 2nd try. We are over the moon to get a new niece or nephew. We have many kiddos on my side of the family and love them all dearly. My mother in law asked me to throw a baby shower for her. (Um, the kid isn't even due til spring! Kind of early to start planjing.) I have been mostly sending a gift to baby showers over the past couple years instead of attending. I know that is selfish but I get so sad at showers that I don't think it's good for me and I don't want to be a downer at someone's shower. It's about their baby not my infertility. I declined as politely as I could to throw a shower. I didnt say I wouldnt attend or anything. I will cross that bridge when i get there. My mother in law became upset and told me I am not the only one in the world who has ever struggled to get pregnant. She just wouldn't let it go. I told her I had no idea where I was going to be at on the infertility journey in 7 or so months. I tried to explain how hard it is but she just wouldn't listen. I don't know how to explain to someone who never had any issues getting pregnant that it isn't just about a baby. Its about feeling incomplete and inadequate. It is hard on a marriage. Not to mention the financial drain. My heart is broken monthly. Even when I tell myself not to think about it I can't stop. We told our parents about our infertility for support. Now I feel so aweful. Like a bad person. I know a baby shower isn't about me but I don't see why it matters if I do or don't go. Let alone throw it. I want to just handle my feelings privately and not have to defend myself. I don't understand my mother in laws frustration. There are many other closer related women in the family who could through a shower. I wish I had never confided in her. I would rather her just think I was a brat than know of my infertility and make me feel so horrible. I usually have a good relationship with my mother in law so I am not sure why she was so unkind to me. So on the Rollercoaster of infertility I am feeling pretty low right now. Why on earth would she suggest I throw a shower then when I decline be cruel. I don't get it.

riveridgional · September 2015

I am so sorry you are going through this. Anyone in your position would feel as you do, and your MIL's reaction was insensitive, hurtful, and uncalled for. Just because other people struggle with infertility does not mean it makes your struggle any less significant or difficult. Hosting that shower would leave you with no ability to remove yourself from a negative situation. I agree, you have no idea where you will be in 7 months and what emotions you would be experiencing. It is a very difficult commitment at this time. Maybe your husband can call his mom and explain what you go through every month. While you are happy for her, it's a reminder that you haven't been able to conceive, which triggers a whole host of emotions. Without going through it herself, she can't possibly put herself in your shoes, but she could at least show some compassion and respect you. Good luck, girl! I hope she comes around and apologizes!

HBamama2B · September 2015

My thought if I was in this position is what if we've just gone through a cycle with no embryos or a cancel for some reason, or God forbid a miscarriage? She had no right to ask, that was insensitive in the first place, and even if she had wanted to make you feel included, should have prepared herself for how you might feel and offer you a way to gracefully demur. This is awful. Im so sorry you experienced this. I hope things go smoothly and she begins to realize the toll this takes. I've found that for people who learn of our infertility, they see it as a momentary or transitional thing. Even if we say we've been trying for years, or have gone through multiple treatments, they are just joining the journey and can't really conceive of the steps we are slowly and laboriously taking every single day of every week of every heart wrenching month of every year. 7 months is a lifetime to us. You had no obligation, whereas she most definitely had an obligation to support you.

KidShrink · September 2015

I agree with PPs...that is an amazingly insensitive thing to ask you. My little sister got pregnant on her first try as we were starting the fertility treatments. Thankfully in our case the physical distance (we live 6 hrs away from our hometown) helped keep a distance, so I guess I was spared from that. And when DH's family was organizing a shower for a cousin, I got an invite with a note stating they'd understand if I wasn't feeling up to it. I've been very open about the whole process, so I think people got the idea of how difficult it was for us. But it's true that people don't understand, unless you really sit them down and explain sometimes in TMI details what this process is about. I don't know in how much depth you've gone with the in laws, but that might help. People have developed a lot more empathy when I showed them the bruises I got from daily monitoring for 4-5 days in a row, or explained them the schedule, including having to get up super early in the morning to get to the RE's office, picking up meds, etc. They may never understand the emotional piece of this, but that's a beginning. If you're too hurt to have that conversation right now, I'd ask DH to have it. There's no reason why you should feel bad about refusing to host a baby shower, and he should have your back.

Knottie1428107339 · September 2015

I agree with everyone in regards to your mother in law. I don't like how she put you on the spot like that. But I also wanted to tell you that you are entitled to feel the way you feel. Because they are YOUR feelings. It's your (and hubby's) struggle.

kuposa17 · September 2015

That is so incredibly insensitive! First of all, are you the *only* person who is capable of hosting the shower? Even if I weren't going thru IF, I would be really offended if any friend or family member tried to pressure and guilt me into hosting an event, ANY event. Second of all, while you shouldn't have to give any details to anyone, I have to agree with @KidShrink that a little TMI might go a long way. I think some people imagine infertile couples just having "more sex" , but if they saw some of the stim drug and bloodwork bruises on stomach and arms, they might get a clue as to how difficult this all really is. And the bruises are only half of it. You are totally justified in declining to host!

Soverthis · September 2015

Thank you for the comments! I feel a little less crazy. IF sucks. I plan on attending a Resolve meeting soon. I attending one a few months ago and found it really helpful, but then never went back! I think it's time to go again.

LCK0830 · September 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As PPs have said, IF is often misunderstood. People think they've been through it when it's taken them 6 months to conceive naturally or they tell you about charting, as if that's something you've never thought of. There's no reason you should feel guilted into throwing the party. Although you're happy to welcome a new niece/nephew into the world, it doesn't make the IF process any less hurtful. You are absolutely not being selfish and shouldn't be made to feel that way.

kmartinez209 · September 2015

It's her daughter tell her to throw it!.... Sorry just being honest! I don't like my MIL what so ever so I could give 2 sh*ts what she feels or thinks, and honestly if yours is going to treat you like that you shouldn't give her the time of day she sounds pretty selfish and maybe not the brightest if she doesn't understand infertility! I wouldn't bother wasting your feelings on her MIL's are really weird especially if it's her son your married to! Good luck with your situation you don't deserve to feel that way at all!! XoXo

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