Community› The Bump Month Clubs› February 2016 Moms
February 2016 Moms
New Discussion

How to help? **trigger warning, loss mentioned**

ChitownHuskerChitownHusker member
in February 2016 Moms
Hi all! We got a call from a very close couple friends of ours today with some happy/sad news. They were expecting twin girls in Oct and urgently delivered last night or today. One of the twins made it and is in the NICU and unfortunately one did not. We are very heartbroken for them.

We do not live in the same town as them - and obviously all of this is very fresh - but I would love tips from you who may have experienced something similar on anything we can do to help them or what to say/what not to say. How can we show our support while giving them the room they need? And how do you say sorry for your loss but also celebrate the new baby? What's the best way to balance between the two?

Any advice is supremely appreciated.
Report Reply to Post

Re: How to help? **trigger warning, loss mentioned**

  • hlmdeckhlmdeck member
    What a tough situation. I am so sorry for you, your friend, and the whole family. Maybe you can send a baby gift and a little bear with the lost twin's name embroidered? Let them know you are there for them for whatever they need - help with the baby or a listening ear. I have no experience with something like this, but I also know that both in times of hardship and with new babies food goes a long way so cooking a dinner might be a good option. Good luck!
    Report Reply
  • Loading the player...
  • SarahS06SarahS06 member
    I am so sorry for you all. 

    Thankfully, I don't have experience with this. Maybe simply saying what you are feeling? It might go a long way to acknowledge that you are so happy/want to celebrate their daughter and at the same time heartbroken for them. My other thought is to make sure you are there for them after they come home as well. We are so good at providing support when something happens but can sometimes have short attention spans. Perhaps a warm meal or a couple of easy freezer meals when they are home?

    Best wishes to the family and to you as you navigate such a difficult situation.
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Report Reply
  • egraves4egraves4 member
    edited September 2015
    No advice but T and Ps to you and your friends. I had a teacher a few years ago whose twin boys were born October 21st and were due in February. One of them lived as well, but spent 250 in the NICU. Such a sad and scary situation.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Surprise BFP! 06/08/15
    Nadine GraceMarie  02/10/16
    Diagnosed with placenta increta post delivery: emergency partial hysterectomy - cervix and ovaries still intact 
    Gestational surrogacy or adoption TBD

    Report Reply
  • wisco29wisco29 member
    Thoughts for this family.

    Try to not say a lot honestly... Most of the things you're going to think sound good will not be. It's not you...it's the situation.

    Offer to make them meals, get them gift cards for a restaurant near the hospital or in the hospital because with one baby in the nicu they will be spending a lot of time there.

    Flowers maybe, for the loss of the other baby Idk or I like what a pp said about the bear with the baby's name embroidered on it.
    Report Reply
  • Jellybelly119Jellybelly119 member
    Such a horrible, sad situation! My heart goes out to them.
    I would keep in mind that they probably are struggling with the same: immense joy for their baby that's living, and tragically mourning the baby they lost. I'm sure even they don't know what they need in terms of comfort, and I'd imagine it would change on a daily basis. I think PP suggestions of gift cards for places near the hospital, and a small gift or possibly a donation in remembrance of their other daughter would let them know you're thinking about them.
    Report Reply
  • AchaeAchae member
    Thoughts and prayers to your friends. I will second the meals, I wish I had someone to help me with meals and I didn't have a lo in the nicu. When my friend's mom was in the hospital I got them gas gift cards too because they were traveling an hour each way every day to see her.
    Report Reply
  • inomniaparatusinomniaparatus member
    Some of the best advice I was given on this subject is to not ask what they need or offer help, just do it. Most people refuse help but it's so nice when you get it. I know it's not the same thing, but my cat passed in feb and my friend had a lasagna delivered to me from a restaurant and it was so nice and thoughtful. She didn't ask, she just sent it.

    Feb '16 Siggy Challenge: Favorite Thing About Fall: Haunted Houses and Scary Movies! 
    image

    Pregnancy Ticker
    Report Reply
  • MississippiCatfishMississippiCatfish member
    So sad. Check out mealtrain.com, maybe you can be the person to help organize all the offers they'll be receiving for meals?
    *E 10/2012, H 7/2014, F 2/2016*
    Pregnancy Ticker

    Report Reply
  • cboucbou member
    This is heartbreaking and I'm sorry they are going through it. I agree with a PP that you probably can't say a lot to help the situation and it would probably be pretty easy to say the wrong thing, but one thing you can definitely do is tell them that you are there for them if/when they want to talk about it and then listen. Support them and validate their feelings of both excitement and loss because they are allowed to feel both. Flowers are good because they work for celebration and loss. I also love PPs teddy bear idea.
    Report Reply
  • purpletulippurpletulip member
    edited September 2015
    Do you know the names of the babies? Most loss mamas like to hear people use their babies name, and to have acknowledgment of their life.
    I would send a card (maybe a blank one or a "thinking of you" instead of trying to figure out whether to go with congratulations or sympathy) and say something to the effect of "we are happy to hear that *baby a* was born but so sad about your loss of *baby b*. They are both precious. "
    I definitely echo PP about doing something without asking, like a gift card to a restaurant.
    You can also check out www.stillbirthday.com

    Edit to add: I understand wanting to give them space but from personal experience, space can feel like abandonment. You don't want to push yourselves on them - excessive calling or texting or showing up with no notice- but please let them know you are there for them. Even if it's just an occasional text letting them know you're thinking of them.


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Pregnancy Ticker
    Report Reply
  • jaimerunsjaimeruns member
    I'm so sorry, that's really sad. I'm so happy the other baby made it. We actually have a coworker who went through the same thing about 6 months ago, and we just tried to act normal around him once he came back to work. We paid our condolences and from there continued to focus on the surviving twin. That seemed to be how he coped best it.
    image
    Report Reply
  • jaimerunsjaimeruns member
    MississippiCatfish said:

    So sad. Check out mealtrain.com, maybe you can be the person to help organize all the offers they'll be receiving for meals?

    Meal train is awesome!
    image
    Report Reply
  • ChitownHuskerChitownHusker member
    Thanks everyone!! DH is flying out on Tue for the funeral on Wed. He and the husband are basically like brothers and the husband said he'd love to have the support so of course DH booked a ticket right a away. The other twin is off the ventilator and mom is expected to go home Mon.

    I'm thinking of sending them kind of a gift card bouquet - target, Amazon, buy buy baby, gas if the LO is still in the NICU for a bit - for whatever they need (since most of the registry gifts are for twins) and will definitely look into that meal train thing. You guys have been a huge help, thank you!
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"