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December 2015 Moms
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Oh my goodness. My MIL is crazy.

celainevcelainev member
in December 2015 Moms
Most of the time I can handle my MIL. In fact, I have come to terms with her being crazy and try to not let it effect my life very much.

But this takes the cake.

My MIL has put in her notice of retirement at the age of 55, so she isn't really retiring, just quitting. Her reason she is telling everyone - to take care of my grandchild.

Her only other grandchild lives 8 hours away and the mother, her daughter, is estranged. She has never met this grandchild.

I am giving birth to the only other real grandchild. And I am planning on being a SAHM after my one year of maternity leave (Canada, oh yah!)

So what grandchild is she planning on taking care of?? She lives an hour away and I like this because she is enough distance to keep her from freaking me out! I am so stressed now and my DH only says "well, she really wants to be a part of this baby's life, because she doesn't get to see her other one." And that's all good and well, but is she planning on coming over everyday???

Sorry I needed to rant. Tell me I'm overreacting please. I seriously am freaking out about this.
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Re: Oh my goodness. My MIL is crazy.

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  • Elizabella85Elizabella85 member
    Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. I wouldn't even want MY mom coming over everyday, and she's pretty much one of my BFF's. I'd never let my MIL do it. No one needs family or company everyday. I say shut that down now as kindly as possibly since she is probably hurting over not knowing her other grand baby, but definitely be firm. As one etiquette site calls it, use your "polite spine".
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  • JElizbettyJElizbetty member
    I'd say since she's an hour away the every day part wont happen. But I would set boundaries like now just in case it does, you and your husband deserve your personal bonding time with your baby and not have to deal with someone stealing that from you every day. Over excited grandparents are understandable but they also need to know the boundaries, that they are just that "grand"parents NOT the parents.
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  • momotheflyinglemurmomotheflyinglemur member
    My MIL considered retiring to take care of our LO, which we would have been okey with until she started discussing the logistics of it. She wanted us to drive 30 minutes further every morning to drop off LO and then go pick him up again in the evening. No fuck that. We already drive enough for our commute. Luckily, I have an aunt who used to work in childcare that is going to be our live in nanny so that I can go back to work.

    I think that you definitely need to guage whether this was an excuse for work or plans she actually wants to set in motion, because then you will need to head her off sooner rather than later.
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  • hplunkett2883hplunkett2883 member
    ^^What they all said^^
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  • herewegrowherewegrow member
    She probably wants to look more involved that she is with her other grandchild and so is telling people that. Or she wanted a "legitimate" excuse to quit her job. That said, set your expectations now! Make sure she knows you will not need consistent child care and will not be having an abundance of visits. You don't want her to "but I quit my job for you!"
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  • ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    edited September 2015
    I honestly don't know how to even respond to this. I get thrown for a loop every time  user posts about a crazy family member. I just can't grasp where they get such a sense of entitlement to do something so drastic.... it's nuts.


    ETA: Your mil is doing the drastic stuff, not you. For clarification purposes.
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  • celainevcelainev member
    edited September 2015
    Thanks for all your feedback!! Definitely nice to know that I'm not insane for feeling this way.

    And yes, she is actually believing she is leaving her job "for her grandchild." She has an excellent career and loves her job, and basically owns the company (it was her late husband's company before he past away, but now is ran by someone else.) She is also very well off and can afford to quit.

    She had a busy social life but all she talks about lately as that she needs to spend more time with "the family" and then she quit her job because I am pregnant. She wants me to go back to work... But I'm not.

    I have mentioned it to her every time she says "I'm quitting for you" that I'm not going to need much child care... And then she goes off about how she is afraid I won't let her see the baby and starts to cry. And I am super nice to her about it, and she still cries. She is an emotional lady. So it is so hard to talk to her seriously about anything. My DH knows how I feel.... But he doesn't see a problem with her visiting all the time, since we currently live with MY parents and when they move out they'll still be our neighbours. But the difference is my mother is excellent with boundaries. His mom is not.

    Ugh I don't know how to get it through to her that I don't need her every day!!

    My friend suggested I have one day a week that I designate as her baby sitting night, so she feels included and like she has a "job" here. But I'm afraid I won't follow through with it especially the first month or so. What do you think of that idea?
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  • SCKDSCKD member
    Especially if you are going to be breastfeeding, you won't really be able to leave the baby for awhile anyways. This lady sounds totally nuts! She is going to drive you further away from her with all the crazy. Even SAHMs need a babysitter every once in awhile for appointments and of course nights out. Let her know that. And maybe you can make time to have her over for lunch and play every once in awhile. But I would definitely say, even if you are worried about her crying or offending her, make sure you set the boundaries now. At one point I had to make my boundaries clear to my in-laws (totally different situation but still connects). It was pretty rough for awhile, but they definitely know they can not walk all over me and I am to be treated with respect. Good luck!!!!!
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  • ACarter0914ACarter0914 member
    I think YOU should let her know when she can come over during the week. It might be nice to have her watch LO while you get some sleep but I'm definitely not a fan of someone coming over my house everyday? Uh no
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  • susiaustinsusiaustin member
    Totally feel your pain. I know my mom wishes she could quit her job to watch LO but she's 900 miles away and can't move until they sell the house, my MIL isn't even allowed to babysit until this LO is much MUCH OLDER like 10 or maybe even 15. We discussing moving in there after my lease is up because it would be a whole lot cheaper and allow us to pay off a lot of things so we can buy a house in the school district we want, but MIL has been an issue thinking that it's "our baby" meaning me her son and hers. No I'm not your daughter I can take care of my own kid, but thank you for wanting to help,
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  • ChiccoBeanzChiccoBeanz member
    Now that I've slept on this topic... I suggest that you speak to your DH about this and as politely, yet directly and specifically as possible, you should express how you feel about this. Try to come to a compromise of some sort and then as a united front, approach MIL and explicitly express that you will be a STAY AT HOME MOTHER and that it would just be unnecessary for her to leave her beloved position. This doesn't mean she won't spend time with LO and what not, she just won't be her daily caregiver and that is OK.

    I hope this all works out for you. I really can't wrap my head around this sense of entitlement and how bold she is being... also just inconsiderate as she didn't check with you and her son first. But people are people. Good luck.
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  • celainevcelainev member
    Thanks everyone! I will speak with my DH again about this. :( it's panicking me quite a bit!
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  • rain0831bowwrain0831boww member
    Call me crazy, and I obviously don't know the relationship you have with your mil or not but who cares if she quits/retires to "take care of her grandchild". You clearly have to talk to her about setting a schedule that you're both comfortable with to where she's not overwhelming you but I don't see the issue with it. 
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  • lovearoolovearoo member
    Omg. Sorry but that's just ridiculous!! This lady is crazy and you can't let her emotionally blackmail you. It's manipulative to pour on the tears to get her way! Hell no.
    I agree with pp, you have GOT to set your boundaries now! Tell her you will use her once in awhile say maybe 2-3 times a month. Don't let her say "I quit my job for you" either! You never asked her to do that and for her to try and force her way in there and hope you go back to work so she can stay with the baby all day... I don't even know what to say. Outrageous.
    You are in charge and have to set her straight right away. Your husband also has to grow a spine also and tell mommy no!
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  • aleecatsaleecats member
    rain0831boww said:

    Call me crazy, and I obviously don't know the relationship you have with your mil or not but who cares if she quits/retires to "take care of her grandchild". You clearly have to talk to her about setting a schedule that you're both comfortable with to where she's not overwhelming you but I don't see the issue with it. 

    The issue isn't that she did it, the issue is that she assumed it would be okay and what she wanted would go without question. She doesn't need a schedule because she doesn't need a full time care giver for her LO. the idea was sweet and that MIL wants to help but she should have made sure that it was what she wanted first, and to assume that just because she's already quit that she would no longer be a SAHM is an over step in boundaries big time.
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  • kristen2bkristen2b member
    aleecats said:

    rain0831boww said:

    Call me crazy, and I obviously don't know the relationship you have with your mil or not but who cares if she quits/retires to "take care of her grandchild". You clearly have to talk to her about setting a schedule that you're both comfortable with to where she's not overwhelming you but I don't see the issue with it. 

    The issue isn't that she did it, the issue is that she assumed it would be okay and what she wanted would go without question. She doesn't need a schedule because she doesn't need a full time care giver for her LO. the idea was sweet and that MIL wants to help but she should have made sure that it was what she wanted first, and to assume that just because she's already quit that she would no longer be a SAHM is an over step in boundaries big time.
    What she said. Quitting your 9-5 job to "be with your grandchild" implies you want to/plan on being around allllllll the time. Only problem, they don't need her for that and she never once asked if they did.

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  • stephaniechen82stephaniechen82 member
    Kind of related, but after my son was a bit older and not breast feeding (14mo) I asked my in laws to come over for regular play dates so that they could build a relationship with their first grandchild. They respected our boundaries so much so, that I had to push to get them to come over. Its hard setting aside time every week, and soon won't be possible because of preschool, but I'm glad they have a special relationship now. I agree that given your situation with your MIL, you should make your needs and expectations crystal clear. But if you are comfortable with it, setting aside some time for her to visit (if she is a good caregiver) could bring you all closer together. Unless she is truly a crazy drama queen...then this advice need not apply ;)
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  • celainevcelainev member
    rain0831boww said:

    Call me crazy, and I obviously don't know the relationship you have with your mil or not but who cares if she quits/retires to "take care of her grandchild". You clearly have to talk to her about setting a schedule that you're both comfortable with to where she's not overwhelming you but I don't see the issue with it. 

    Haha! Thanks! From what I've already said it's pretty obvious that this is no normal MIL... She has no respect for boundaries naturally and is implying that she will be here "every day" to take care of my baby. As much as I do love her, I don't want to lose the relationship I will have with my kid, because grandma is always there to do everything. And I've seen her with other kids, and she always talks about how other parents are doing it wrong and she would know the right way to do things. I don't agree with most of her opinions and don't want my kids raised by her alone.

    Although I wish I could tell her a schedule, I know that I will have a hard time keeping up with it. And she will make me feel really bad for this. She knows how to make me feel bad for things. Currently she's all in a tizzy about not being allowed in the labour and delivery room. But I stood my ground on that.
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  • BostonBaby1BostonBaby1 member
    chaelainev said:

    Most of the time I can handle my MIL. In fact, I have come to terms with her being crazy and try to not let it effect my life very much.

    But this takes the cake.

    My MIL has put in her notice of retirement at the age of 55, so she isn't really retiring, just quitting. Her reason she is telling everyone - to take care of my grandchild.

    Her only other grandchild lives 8 hours away and the mother, her daughter, is estranged. She has never met this grandchild.

    I am giving birth to the only other real grandchild. And I am planning on being a SAHM after my one year of maternity leave (Canada, oh yah!)

    So what grandchild is she planning on taking care of?? She lives an hour away and I like this because she is enough distance to keep her from freaking me out! I am so stressed now and my DH only says "well, she really wants to be a part of this baby's life, because she doesn't get to see her other one." And that's all good and well, but is she planning on coming over everyday???

    Sorry I needed to rant. Tell me I'm overreacting please. I seriously am freaking out about this.

    So what is a fake grandchild? Because you say that this is going to be her only other real grandchild? I'm not sure what you mean.

    And I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think that you are over reacting. Just set clear boundaries but also try to remember how lucky you are. Some of us don't have people that can help us. Crazy or not.
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  • celainevcelainev member
    BostonBaby1 said:



    So what is a fake grandchild? Because you say that this is going to be her only other real grandchild? I'm not sure what you mean.

    And I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think that you are over reacting. Just set clear boundaries but also try to remember how lucky you are. Some of us don't have people that can help us. Crazy or not.

    That's okay! I value your opinion!

    I did not want to explain the whole "fake grandchild" thing in my initial post because it would just be way to long. But she had talked her eldest daughter into adopting out her first born who was born out of wedlock 6 years ago. The daughter was okay with it at the time but now holds it against her mother, hence the not speaking. I am best friends with my SIL and try to stay out of this argument between them.
    She sees the adopted child about once every other month and the child now has an adopted brother as well. So therefore we kinda call them "fake grandchildren" because they are not the kind of grandchildren she can see often. I always take this into account when I think of her with my child... I want to give her some of what she can't have with them. But I still want to be the main caregiver, and no matter how many times I explain this to her, it's like she forgets and a week later she encourages me to continue with my career and leave the child care up to her.

    I never forget how lucky I am. Just because I find her overwhelming sometimes doesn't necessarily mean I'm taking advantage of it.

    If you had met my MIL you may understand she is a complete character. I love her and she loves me, but she tends to over step and over react when she is told she is over stepping.

    Anyways, I am trying my hardest to see if I could find a compromise. :)
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  • BostonBaby1BostonBaby1 member
    chaelainev said:

    BostonBaby1 said:



    So what is a fake grandchild? Because you say that this is going to be her only other real grandchild? I'm not sure what you mean.

    And I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think that you are over reacting. Just set clear boundaries but also try to remember how lucky you are. Some of us don't have people that can help us. Crazy or not.

    That's okay! I value your opinion!

    I did not want to explain the whole "fake grandchild" thing in my initial post because it would just be way to long. But she had talked her eldest daughter into adopting out her first born who was born out of wedlock 6 years ago. The daughter was okay with it at the time but now holds it against her mother, hence the not speaking. I am best friends with my SIL and try to stay out of this argument between them.
    She sees the adopted child about once every other month and the child now has an adopted brother as well. So therefore we kinda call them "fake grandchildren" because they are not the kind of grandchildren she can see often. I always take this into account when I think of her with my child... I want to give her some of what she can't have with them. But I still want to be the main caregiver, and no matter how many times I explain this to her, it's like she forgets and a week later she encourages me to continue with my career and leave the child care up to her.

    I never forget how lucky I am. Just because I find her overwhelming sometimes doesn't necessarily mean I'm taking advantage of it.

    If you had met my MIL you may understand she is a complete character. I love her and she loves me, but she tends to over step and over react when she is told she is over stepping.

    Anyways, I am trying my hardest to see if I could find a compromise. :)
    I definitely think that setting boundaries are important and stand your ground about being the primary caregiver. I was just thinking how nice it would be to have someone to come over if you need a "me moment," such as a hair appointment or just an afternoon out. Also, it'll be nice especially in the beginning to be able to nap! Lol.

    Thank you for explaining. You're right that it would've been a lot of info but I can better understand your allegiances to SIL. Has DH spoken with her?
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