February 2016 Moms
camusoh2011
member
Options
Blended Family Advice
camusoh2011
member
So I have a 6 year old stepdaughter. I have been in her life since she was 2 and while things were very rocky at first with her mom I think he have hit a really good point now. We don't have her very often; usually Wed. afternoon and every other weekend plus exchanged holidays and 3 nonconsecutive weeks over the summer. Well, as our boys get older (and we add to the family) I really have started noticing that DH is way harder on our boys than he is on his daughter. I would assume this is because she isn't always with us. She used to be this picture perfect kid because DH was kind of the only one parenting, but now she spends most of her time with mom and mom doesn't have many rules at all. Now it seems like when she does something she knows she shouldn't be doing at our house I'm usually the one to get on to her about it (talk about a wicked stepmom). DH says I'm really hard on her and not at all on the boys; I feel like he's the opposite. Any advice for how to balance this blended family? I don't want her to grow to hate me or feel like I'm always getting on to her for something, but I do want her to follow the house rules.
Re: Blended Family Advice
Once I grew up, I realized how wonderful my stepdad was to my sister and I. He had rules, he disciplined us, etc, but he was truly a second father. I'm extremely grateful for him, and now that I know better, I try to make it a point to tell him thank you.
Like I said, step-parenthood is a thankless job. I feel for ya, OP!
Baby F.......02/02/2016
Baby F.......02/02/2016
So be it...
I don't believe "mother" should be a title given to a woman who marries into a family unless they are really fulfilling the mother roll. If the girl has a mother, she doesn't need another. It's up to mom and dad to discipline and decide how she should be raised. Not some other woman.
This isn't just some woman randomly living in the same house as my children. It's a new member of the family.
I don't understand the problem with the word - what about grandparents, godparents, or adoptive parents? Do we also need new titles for these? I just honestly don't know where you are coming from on this.
@camusoh2011 - I'm glad that things are going well! It sounds like that little girl and her mother are lucky to have you in their lives!
Feb 2016 Siggy Challenge, Favorite Thing About Fall
It's different when a step parent is in your life from the very start and/or is the only mother or father figure you know. But, when a mother is dropping her daughter off for a weekend with her dad- Id expect that "step-mother" would respect our rules and my role as her parent.
Power to ya @camusoh2011 ! I think that little girl sounds lucky to have a woman like you in her life in any capacity.
Edited for grammar.
Blended families are complicated. But most of the time it seems like they work best when a family can operate as a unit- parents and kids, a family. Making distinctions and having restrictions on what the stepparent can do seems like a recipe for disaster. Now I agree that if both bio parents are involved, the stepparent does have an obligation to respect their wishes for what they want for their child. But they should have a say, yes, and if the children are young and close in age, they should have the full rights to fulfill ALL roles required of a parent when that child is in their care- and that includes some discipline.
Edited to fix a word
But I think this transcends to more then just how that child might feel . OP expresses concerns on her husbands lack of understanding how his actions towards one child might affect the other children in the house hold and her. His lack of receptiveness to her concern in their own household regarding the children will create an environment for resentment . The other children will notice and OP will continue to feel uncomfortable and hurt if they don't enforce universal household rules for all the children equally.
He has no right to show favoritism towards one due to circumstances out of his other children's hands or OP's.
Rules are rules , where-ever we go. If I visit the library I adhere to their rules. If my child is in a teachers classroom they are expected to follow their rules and have consequences for not doing so and I cant get upset as a parent. (unless its extreme but thats another scenario)
This is the same for a child visiting in a step parents home. Respect and follow the rules and then there will be time to do the extra stuff that makes all the children involved feel special ,love and wanted.
Hubby needs to get on board regarding treating everybody the same.
It would only create further resentment if for example step-mom isn't allowed handle minor behavior corrections herself and must then essentially tattle tale on the child to their father- perhaps hours later - for something they did. Hell, I would be irritated with my own mother if she tattled on every thing I did wrong, let alone another woman who is just trying her best to love, support, and be a positive influence.