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October 2015 Moms
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FIL drama (LONG rant inside)

margies2010margies2010 member
in October 2015 Moms
So, we got together with DH'S family yesterday since some of the Nebraska family came on down to ol' Louisiana. The Nebraska clan has some differing opinions, and we usually agree not to discuss those topics. Well, the uncle from up North decided that he wanted to debate concealed carry and violated the cardinal rules of engagement when it comes to calm, family discussions. All was well, everyone was listening to everyone else's stance until DH tried to interject an example of why conceal carry is a good idea, and that you can't always avoid a situation in which you might need to protect yourself. Northern Uncle literally screamed at DH, "Your opinion doesn't matter!" So, DH got up (calmly) to leave the discussion and calm down; a huge pet peeve of his is to be treated like a child when he is 32. Instead of allowing him to go and calm down, FIL engaged him and called him a "p*ssy" for walking away from the argument!! DH tried to explain why he was walking away (he wasn't going to be disrespected after he was respectful and listened to everyone else's views) and that he didn't want to be part of that conversation. Well, FIL begins *pushing* DH and trying to get him to FIGHT him!

(Backstory: FIL and his father didn't speak for the last ten years of his father's life because his father enticed FIL to fight him to "prove he was a man". FIL was physically abused, and DH is breaking the cycle.)

Fast forward: DH is trying to leave the function, FIL is further trying to engage in a fight, and here I am, 36w pregnant with high blood pressure, trying to get them to separate. FIL keeps running his mouth and reignited everything after I finally got DH calmed down. He then said, "F*ck you, you're out of the will" (like we care, we don't need his money or things to survive, but he throws this in DH'S face everything they have some minor disagreement).

MIL and FIL are supposed to keep DS the night we go into the hospital to have LO. I, nor DH, want FIL anywhere near DS, but yet MIL is completely cool. I don't know how to keep DS away from FIL while still letting MIL have that time she deserves. FIL is no longer allowed to visit us in the hospital, and I really am trying to find a way that I can allow MIL to stay in the kids' lives, but keep FIL out.

End rant. If anyone has any ideas, I would love to hear them. I'm at a loss, and MIL really is a wonderful woman. FIL has pushed everyone away, and it isn't just us that have issues with him. I just don't want my sons to know that their FIL is such a hateful man...
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Re: FIL drama (LONG rant inside)

  • cmjn94cmjn94 member
    This is such a sad, hard situation. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Does your MIL see the issues of your FIL? If she doesn't, it would be hard to allow the kids to see her, but if she agrees that his behavior is unhealthy and unacceptable, you may be able to come to compromise (maybe she comes to visit you or she takes the kids on outings without bringing them to her house). But also, as your kids get older, I think it's healthy and important for them to understand why their grandpa isn't in their lives too. No details, necessarily, but they're going to start asking questions and I would be prepared with an age appropriate answer.

    I hope that if anything this was encouraging, even if not helpful. :) good luck.
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  • margies2010margies2010 member
    She does see his shortcomings, unfortunlately, she just really isn't in a position to separate herself from him. He has driven both of their children away from them.

    DH and I have been discussing how to discuss with the Littles once they start asking. While I am so very happy with the man DH has become and the strength he has shown to break the cycle, my heart hurts for him that he is having to go through this. He has fought so hard to try to keep his relationship with FIL, just to be continually pushed away. It's so very sad for the littles, too, because he is their only grabdfather. My dad passed away when I was 7, so I was really excited that they would have a grandfather in their lives. :(

    Thank you, your response was both helpful and encouraging. I feel better even just getting it off my chest. This is the good side to Internet anonymity. :)
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  • wildbutterfli2001wildbutterfli2001 member
    All I can suggest is to see if maybe mil can stay at your home when baby comes.

    It really sucks that fil is being like that. Is this something that was maybe fueled by alcohol or just a hot headed person? Is he someone that can be reasoned with sober? If not, that is his loss, and your child's will be better off not being exposed to that.
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  • SrhbgrSrhbgr member
    Sounds like FIL needs some help. Does he realize that his behavior is the reason his children have cut him out? Could MIL maybe persuade him to talk to a counselor or something?

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  • gigi1021myagigi1021mya member
    Have mil stay at your place??
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  • margies2010margies2010 member
    We are having an intervention style discussion with FIL this weekend and giving the "straighten up or your grandchildren will not know you" ultimatum. He pulled the "I can't not have son and grandsons in my life, so what's the point of living" card. I'm not too sure things will get better, but going to give it another chance for DH. It is tearing DH up inside because he tried SO hard to keep this fallout from happening. There have been minor squabbles before, but nothing that drove DH to tears like this. :'(

    MIL is local, and isn't one to just stay at our house. If we don't get it worked out, I do have alternate plans for DS, thankfully. I just need DH to be focused on our new baby and me, not some BS that his dad decided to pull...

    Thanks again, ladies. :)
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