Guilt Vs Breastfeeding.

melCelebrano · September 2015

I have chosen not to breastfeed. I am the type of person that has to stratigically plan things out, and when they are out of my control or I cant predict the final results, I tend to avoid those situations all together. Breastfeeding is one of them. I hear such wonderful stories about breastfeeding. Ive done my reasearch and know how beneficial it can be but im pretty adimant on not breastfeeding, but cant help but to feel like a let down or failure. I tried 6 years ago with my first, didnt happen. He was born 10 lbs, he wanted TO EAT. Had no patients for my milk to come down, my boobs hurt so bad I cried. It wasnt the picture perfect, fairy tale I imagened. I felt deplited, stressed and down. I told myself this time around I would avoid it all together, but the guilt from choosing not to breastfeed, is STILL there. I have such a big fear also of the hospital either trying to pressure me to do so, or shame me because im choosing not to. I dont win. My son didnt breastfeed and he seems pretty fine to me. Am I selfish for thinking this way? Any mommas choosing not to breastfeed, and feel confident about not doing so?

As for you breastfeeding Moms, kudos to you! I give you guys so much credit!

My son will be born next week, if I debate this struggle in my head any longer my head is going to explode.

AndieTessie · September 2015

As long as you're feeding the baby, bottle or breast, you are doing a great job.

eah325 · September 2015

You're not selfish. A good friend once told me that a happy mommy is a good mommy. If the pressure of breast feeding risks your own mental health, it's not worth it. I wish you peace with your decision. Feeding your baby is the most important thing.

chelseajeanene · September 2015

You're not being selfish. If they try to shame you then make a complaint, as long as your baby is being fed that's all that matters

ElleMF728 · September 2015

You're not selfish, breastfeeding is incredibly emotional. I had a similar experience with my first and I seriously considered not even attempting this time around. I felt like such a failure and a terrible mom because I dreaded being around my child since I associated him with the pain and depression. It can feel really lonely and be an isolating experience to go through.

I am BF my second but not exclusively and only as long as I am happy doing so. He gets pumped milk in a bottle and even a few ounces of formula everyday. If I am sore from an "off" feeding I offer the bottle, if I am out in public or have company over I offer the bottle and sometimes I offer a bottle and pump just because I don't really feel like nursing at that moment. I don't feel guilty at all, I feel happy and am able to enjoy spending time with both my children because I'm taking care of myself as well as my family. I wish I would have been more confident in my choices the first time around.

Do whatever works for you and your family and don't worry about what anybody else thinks.

mel0601 · September 2015

I couldn't breast feed my first. He was on formula after four days of screaming constantly and losing too much from his birth weight. As soon as he has his first bottle he slept, he was happy and I was suddenly calm. I had a moment of "mourning" and thinking oh I wish I could stick it out but then I saw how he was thriving and happy and putting weight on and then I couldn't help but feel blessed that I was in a position to provide him the next best alternative!!

This time I recently saw a lactation consultant and after "inspecting" my breasts and nipples, giving a sigh and telling me it's a case of "wait and see" as I have not ideal breast or nipples for feeding it seems...
I'm so ok with giving it a week, trying with bub and if it's not meant to be, again, I'm blessed I can give her the next best option!

Don't beat yourself up about it!!! Please!! Your providing for your child!
I guess these doubts of "am I a good enough mama for my baby" creep up on us from day one!!

And YES we are good enough!!!

str13 · September 2015

You're not a failure momma! I had such a hard time with my first two that I wasn't going to even try. She was born premature and the hospital talked me into exclusively pumping. I did it for 5 weeks straight, pumping every 2-3 hours night and day. It was demoralizing. I got so little, I tried every trick they told me. She needed 40-45 mL every 3 hours, at least. I got 15-25 mL at each pump.
If breastfeeding is for you, that's awesome. But it's not for everyone. I feel guilty because it's something I should be able to do. But it's okay because you know what I *can* do? I can buy some bottles, nipples, and formula, and fill that little belly up!!

tlc11934 · September 2015

My DD1 had high bilirubin in the hospital because she wasn't getting anything from me and I didn't know.
I'll never forget the look in her eyes after 3 days of crying when the nurse gave her a 2oz bottle of formula before discharge and she looked at us like "thank you for saving my life". Turns out I have insufficient glandular tissue and my ducts did not develop properly during puberty. It took 2 breast specialists, an endocrinologist a lactation consultant and a visit to la leche league to learn that I just wasn't producing. I pumped 1oz per week and gave it to DD for 3 months before I ran out. 1oz per week!

My family members told me I wasn't trying hard enough and clearly I didn't want it enough, rather than being supportive. I work for the company that makes the DHA that goes into all of the Similac, Gerber and Enfamil formulas - I know how adequate formula is nowadays. I had no choice and that was that.

Don't let anyone guilt you or make you feel bad. Don't worry about societal pressure. Take a deep breath and know that whatever decision you make it will be right for you!

PregNancyClark · September 2015

Guilt is a bad reason to do anything in life! Love is a good reason. You love your new baby already, and the big kid you already have, and your whole family (you don't want to put them or yourself through this again.) I say follow your gut, act in love, and screw any negative opinions from others- or even from yourself! You are going to be great and I agree with PP- a happy mom is a good mom.

cjstats87 · September 2015

My first was a terrible nurser! I gave in after 5 months of constant struggle went fully to formula! Baby 2 was a dream nurser and lasted 11 months! If you feel like you want to try and bf for a couple days do if it works out try a couple more days...if you want to bf and give formula do...if you want to give formula from day 1 do! If baby is fed and thriving WAY TO GO MOMMA! I can tell you my arch nemesis is doing dishes...so I despise washing bottles! LOL!!

Bspauldo · September 2015

Do not feel quilty at all! I'm a FTM and had my daughter on the 2nd and up until today, I've been miserable! Mainly the stress from breastfeeding! You sound a lot like myself when it comes to planning stuff out but I decided to give it a go and it's been a painful, emotional journey. There's been many times I'm trying to feed my daughter and I absolutely hate it! Breastfeeding is no joke and no one tells you about how emotion stripping it really is! I'm already looking into the future when I'll decide to stop.

I've looked to friends for advice and no matter what anybody else says, do what's right for YOU and YOUR baby. A unhappy mother is an unhappy baby!

WDDCH · September 2015

I highly doubt the hospital staff will shame you! They have formula they'll even give you at the hospital. You should never do something you're uncomfortable with. Hold your head up high, be confident in your choice.

Boobopgirl · September 2015

I would not make a breast vs. bottle decision based on feeling guilty. I also would not make one based on fear. Make your decision based on what logically makes the most sense for you and your baby and your family.

May14th2011 · September 2015

I tried to breastfeed my first, and between supply problems and her (then undiagnosed) tongue tie, she screamed constantly for the first two weeks. It was miserable. I hated every minute of it, and can't even look back at that time without feeling anxious and upset. The switch to formula was the best thing we did, even if family members were jerks about it to me.
This time, I tried breastfeeding again, but it was making me miserable. I dreaded feeding him, and every time he cried to eat I just felt dread and started feeling resentful. The nurses did kind of act funny when I asked for formula, but I don't live with them so it doesn't matter to me.
Do I feel guilty? Yes, every day. I always feel like I have to justify my choice and I hated telling my MIL (who was really awful about it the first time). BUT- I also feel so much better. I am enjoying my little guy. Now when he cries to be fed, I feel happiness and joy because I get hold and cuddle him and there is no pain, no dread. I really think I'm a better mother because I'm formula feeding.
Breastfeeding is great, but making sure your baby is happy and fed and that you are happy is most important.

yessirio · September 2015

You're already a great mom! Why? Because u are worrying on what's the best way to feed ur baby!
The good thing is formulas are made so close to breast milk that u don't need to worry. I tried with my older son 14 yrs ago lol n he didn't like the boob, he cried so much because he was hungry I felt bad because I wanted to breastfeed him but he end up taking formula n he loved it n so did I lol
So good luck with any decision u make n no don't feel guilty at all! Ur a great mom already!

jabeauty90 · September 2015

You do what's best for baby and yourself. Whether it's boob or bottle baby is being taken care of.

schwens3 · September 2015

I'm using formula and know lots of people who have also used it. It doesn't make us bad Moms! My baby is doing very well with the formula.

paine0925 · September 2015

I've had people outright criticize me and give me a look of disgust when I said I want to breastfeed; I've also had women tell me I BETTER breastfeed. It's like you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. Each mama will do what is best for her baby, we are WAY WAY WAY too hard on ourselves. Everyday on this board I see mothers who want to do everything right by their baby, who give up everything (sleep, jobs, etc) to be able to take care of their little one -- we are HEROS and amazing -- please don't feel guilty at all -- you are An amazing woman and you've got us all behind you -- we support you!!!!

jopomom3 · September 2015

I'm not breastfeeding and I don't feel guilty. People will tell you that it was hard but they powered through for their baby. Implying that you care less if you don't do it bc it is hard. Well they don't know what it was like for you. Maybe if they went through exactly what you went through they would have switched to formula. They don't know. That's why I don't care what ever people say and I don't feel guilty. You love your baby just as much as a breastfeeding mother. That's a fact. You clearly have put a lot of thought into this and know what is best for your family.

mamadeez · September 2015

Don't worry about it. What's important is knowing your self and your family enough to make these choices!

Although, what happened with the first might not with the second. My SO's older brother couldn't breastfeed at all and his mom was too worried to continue. Then she had a completely different experience with my SO.

linziecro · September 2015

Just an FYI, check with your hospital on formula. Mine does not provide it unless medically necessary (like baby in NICU), if you are going to formula feed you have to bring your own. I am going to try to bf but I'm also bringing a small can of formula just in case.

maiatene · September 2015

You're not a failure - you're human. It's ok to try something and not achieve what you expected but I think you set your expectations too high (fairy-tale experience) and when things didn't work out it was more devastating than it probably should have been. You may have done your research but what you didn't do is mentally prepare for the worst case scenario (formula), I think that we all can agree that breastfeeding is hard work and it takes commitment, so if you do it this go around fro the wrong reasons (pressure from others) your results will be the same because even though you want to do it deep down you aren't truly committed. My experience was not all roses - I tried to breastfeed in the hospital immediately after birth but no matter how hard I tried very little to nothing came out. My boobs grew from 34D to 36DDD so I knew something was in there, I just had to get it out. So while I was in the hospital I gave the baby formula because it was the right thing to do. Fast forward to when we got home and a week or so later my milk started coming in but now I was in pain from the dry nipples and pumping so baby got formula again. It didn't hurt him and that was the best I could do for both of us at the time because I was unhappy and he was hungry. Once we got past that I was able to breastfeed him for over a year. At times it got very rough (like when I went back to work) but I had a support system to help me thru those trying times. That's also something I don't see mentioned in your post @melCelebrano - did you have anyone to turn to when this was happening? If you don't irl know that we are here for you online. Whatever you choice ends up being its the right choice for you and baby so don't forget that. You aren't selfish, you're a good mum trying to the best she can to raise a happy healthy baby. Good luck!

maiatene · September 2015

linziecro said:

Just an FYI, check with your hospital on formula. Mine does not provide it unless medically necessary (like baby in NICU), if you are going to formula feed you have to bring your own. I am going to try to bf but I'm also bringing a small can of formula just in case.

Not saying your lying but that sounds wrong. Is it they don't provide it at all and essentially force you to breastfeed or they won't give it to you unless you ask? Here in NYC they just don't automatically give it to you once you have the baby (like the mesh undies and peri bottle for example) but if and when I ask they will provide... the reason being is some mums felt formula was being shoved down their throat and they weren't given any info on breastfeeding.

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