DH vent

gabbymarriott · September 2015

So DH and I pretty much haven't had any physical contact in almost 2 months now. We stopped having sex when I was 7 months pregnant, so it's been at least 3 months now. There's been a lot of tension and he usually disappears for 2 hours at a time to go on "motorcycle rides". He is super unhelpful with LO. He won't change her, has never gotten up with her at night, and he acts like anything to do with her is a chore. When he gets home from work I'm expected to still wait on him and he will criticize all the things I didn't get a chance to do during the day like laundry. He even told me at one point "if I were home all the time the baby would be happy, the house would be clean, and dinner would be ready when you came home. It's not that hard." I don't really feel anything towards him any more and I've tried to explain what's wrong more than a few times but nothing has changed. I feel alone and hopeless. I don't know what to do. I'm feeling pretty sad and lonely mamas.

shaunnar053 · September 2015

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that you are not wrong at all for feeling the way you do. I'm so sorry your husband is acting like that. You don't deserve that crap at all. I'd be having a SERIOUS talk with him, and if crap didn't change, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship. You deserve so much better. Hang in there mama.

Eta auto correct

tarheelgirl8 · September 2015

I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. That is just not OK. Regarding his comment, maybe he would appreciate it a little more if he were to take care of LO on his own for one day. If you're breastfeeding, that may not be feasible. But since it sounds like he does almost nothing to help, it's not really that surprising that he doesn't understand how hard it can be. I honestly feel incredibly productive if I can manage to get one of those things done during the day while taking care of DD (laundry/dinner/cleaning). Or do you think he would be open to attending couples counseling? If not, make sure that you have someone that you can talk to--a friend, sibling, something. You are not alone!

gabbymarriott · September 2015

We've tried the DH-watches-LO-for-the-day but he always finds something else more important to do. Some days I don't think he even holds her at all. Like today. It breaks my heart because he doesn't give her that much attention.

toccoaparker · September 2015

No offense but he sounds like a selfish bastard. I'm a SAHM so my DH works very hard to support our large family; we are old fashioned in the sense I consider it my job to get up in the night with LO, change all the diapers, take care of the house, etc. HOWEVER DH would never be rude if I needed a hand he would gladly be there to help with baby girl (washing dishes may be another story!) and he knows if I haven't cooked he better fend for himself that night..I hope things turn around for you! Thinking of you!

cseley321 · September 2015

I would recommend couples counselling if possible. I wouldn't personally want him watching the baby on his own if he is that dismissive of what you do... my husband has been very supportive of me but when I left for 2 hours and he was with the baby alone, he was a complete mess, calling me and yelling, and the baby was screaming her head off. Basically I wouldn't want to punish my baby to try and teach my husband a lesson, if that makes any sense. I'm not saying he can't do it alone, but I wouldn't want him to do it alone a whole day if he can't handle an hour or two without panic

CaliforniaDream87 · September 2015

OP, I'm sorry to say but you have a real problem on your hands here. This may not be what you want to hear but I hope you take the advice here. He sounds very selfish. Having a baby is hard and life changing. However, you aren't the only parent. He is still responsible for being a father even if he works. What do you mean by he "expects you to wait on him"? Have you communicated how you feel?

It's so crazy how some men believe being a SAHM requires such little work. You need to be more vocal in what you expect/need from him. GL and I hope you two can have a good sit down and you are able to express what you need.

gabbymarriott · September 2015

Thank you for all the advice ladies. He did come home from his motorcycle ride and want to cuddle, and then we had a short talk. He told me he feels like "moms just do some things a lot better" and that's why he doesn't do much of anything.....sigh.

kettlekitten · September 2015

All of the above.

He really needs to spend some time actually caring for the baby before he opens his mouth and dismisses what you do all day. Sorry but what a jerk.

Baby2HG · September 2015

I agree. Hes being a real jerk. Sorry.

Me and my dh haven't had sex since I started showing. Yes that's more than 6 months. We still haven't had sex and I'm a month pp. He needs to take this new role as a father a little more seriously. Yes moms can do all BUT not with another grown baby nagging at them. He needs to give you more support and step up.

Sorry I'm so upfront.

amk013 · September 2015

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry and hopeful that it will get better for you! Hang in there!

jlsweets · September 2015

Just wanted to say sorry you are going through this. Bringing home a new life should be an exciting joyful experience for both of you. Having an unsupportive spouse that criticizes you is awful. Hoping the situation gets better for you and that you can stand up for yourself and baby and gain some respect and help. Good luck!

bhargrave88 · September 2015

I hate when men just assume being a SAHM is so easy and just a bunch of sit on your ass and eat Bon bons and cuddle your happy go lucky infant all day. My DH tried me with that same line of BS, (minus me being expected to wait on him. lol) and so when this girl was born, he got a slice of what it's like to not be able to do chores because ODD is terrified of the vacuum and how when you clean up, she then goes behind you and pulls everything back out... Or goes into a different room and destroys that. Or how in mid cleaning, you have to stop because baby needs something or ODD needs something.it took the birth of our second for him to figure out I really do a lot, it just doesn't seem like it because I get undermined by a cute little toddler. He is involved with helping with the girls but is super critical.

It's very frustrating and I've been there. I finally just broke down, and told my DH how I felt, in a non blaming way, and we had a decent talk about things. He's been trying to help me clean more, because I'm just exhausted(I don't make or ask him to get up with baby.. It's just easier for me to. I have boobs. It's fresh off the tap. Lol)I know he is exhausted too because he works all the time, but we are in this together. So I really do suggest a big long talk just try not to sound like you are blaming him or it turns into an argument

good luck Hun! You can message me if you want to talk

benmel31 · September 2015

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I mentioned in a similar post that DH struggled until he felt like he had a role. Bath time is his time to care for our kids. He loves the time and I think he appreciates that he is the go-to parent for this. Now that DD is older, he also typically does her bedtime routine. Maybe he needs to feel more a part of things. Try asking what he might want to do. That said, he should not be making the rude comments to you. I think you need to have a conversation about the comments andhow they make you feel. Good luck. I hope things improve.

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