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August 2015 Moms
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Polite way to tell MIL "HELL NO!"?

jlo629jlo629 member
in August 2015 Moms
So my MIL is an alcoholic. We stopped by to visit them on Friday and from the time she got home from work until we left (25 mins) she finished 2 beers and was starting her 3rd. DD was not with us on the little drive. So MIL started by telling us that they were coming for Christmas to our town and that they already booked a hotel. My DH works at a hospital so he works holidays and they never asked if he was off or if that was ok so I was shocked by that. Then she asked when she would get to keep DD overnight. We said we were not sure and then she got the pack and play out of the closet that she apparently is borrowing from a coworker. She said she has vacation the first week of October so she wants to come get DD and take her to show her off at work 1.5 hours away from our town and keep her overnight. My jaw dropped. DH looked at me all shocked too. I said that I would still be on maternity leave then and she said "wow that is a long time. Well date night for you two!" She has met DD only 2 times for like 3 hours total and she wants to take my daughter away overnight?!?!? When we got in the car I freaked out. DH agrees that we are not ready to have DD away from us and that with her drinking we would never leave her with MIL but he said he needs to find a kind and tactful way to say that so my question to all of you is how do we say that to my horrible MIL?
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Re: Polite way to tell MIL "HELL NO!"?

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  • SashaDenn25SashaDenn25 member
    I would tell her you arent ready to leave LO with anyone overnight so soon. My opinion my change, but as of right now my LO will not be staying anywhere overnight for at least the first 6 months maybe longer. My family also knows that if we get a babysitter for a couple hours in these first few months, we would like them to come to our house and she has everything she needs here and they all have nothing and I dont want to pack everything up. (My family all live within 10 mins of us though.) If they dont want to come over, then we wont have them babysit. While she is very young these are just my preferences and I have no problem voicing this whether they are crazy FTM preferences or not. IMO if you tell her no bc shes too young, but you actually plan on never letting it happen then youre just putting off a hard conversation that will have to be had at some point. My mom drinks kind of heavily sometimes, before LO was born I told her it was a concern. It was hard, but it had to be done bc she had unrealistic ideas about her keeping LO and if she thinks she will be downing drinks and ever keep LO even when she gets older she is mistaken and she is aware of this.
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  • Shine2015Shine2015 member
    Are you breast feeding? You can always use that as an excuse! If not, or she knows you are pumping, I would just be honest and say that you are not ready to be away from your DD overnight yet.
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  • jlo629jlo629 member
    I am BF/pumping but she knows that I pump. I thought about that as an excuse but I worry that is just a bandaid to the problem and at like 8 months she will expect it then so we need to tell her the real reason I feel but that is not easy at all! I want to just say fuck no as earlier suggested ;)
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  • MouseMama817MouseMama817 member
    I agree with @Saratiff . A simple "Mom it's no secret you like to drink and to be honest, that causes concern for us when it comes to leaving LO with you. We need to see that we can trust you to stay sober when you have her otherwise overnights are out of the question."

    My mom is a drinker as well but she's well aware of my issues and contentions with it. She already proactively told me that I don't have to worry when she's babysitting baby girl. She said she would never do anything to harm her relationship with our daughter or her privileges of seeing her. I know it's a tough conversation to have but it's better to do it early than to give reasons that only serve as a Band-Aid on a bigger problem.
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  • prpl11butterflyprpl11butterfly member
    Agree that you need to be honest and up front about why. Maybe will be good for her to hear (though some people don't get it, my BFF has already told her mother that she will never be alone with future grandchildren and she isn't even close to thinking about having kids). And I also agree that its your husband who needs to bite the bullet on this one.
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  • amk013amk013 member
    I think if you want to avoid "bandaiding" this, have your hubby be honest with her. Maybe it would help her want to go to recovery. You never know, that conversation could save her life. I have a family member in recovery and he is well aware that if he goes back to his addiction that my LO is out of his life for good. I can't expose my child to that.
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  • toccoaparkertoccoaparker member
    @Saratiff for the win..
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  • tarheelgirl8tarheelgirl8 member
    Saratiff said:
    Fuck off? No I'm kidding.... Well am I? I would just tell her straight that I'm not comfortable with LO being away at this time and that to be honest she needs to address her drinking before you would consider overnights.
    This.  It  will be a hard conversation for sure, but in the long run you're better off being honest.  You need to feel 100% comfortable with whoever you're leaving your LO with when the time comes.  The truth is if she ever wants to keep your LO, you're probably going to want to see her sober for several months before you'll even consider it.  (I know I would.)  Have the hard conversation now, and give her time to get treatment.  This should really be a conversation between your husband and his mom though.  
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  • perrysaurusperrysaurus member
    I have a very similar situation with my in laws, DH and I agreed before even getting pregnant we will not allow them to take any of our kids overnight or even for 20 minutes without one of us there. Luckily, he is willing to handle that talk with his parents. He is very honest and straight forward. Myself, I feel bad having to say anything but I'm hoping when DD comes I'll have that mother bear protection instinct to say whatever I feel.

    Good luck, I know how rough this is, sending love!
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  • BosloveBoslove member
    Yeah people are crazy! Maybe it's a generational thing, but who thinks it's a good idea to ask for someone's newborn/infant overnight. A few people have asked and I just look at them like they are crazy.

    My ex and I told our parents DD could not stay out until she was one, my Ex wanted to wait until she could talk but after parenting non stop w/ few date nights I convinced him to let my mom keep her at 9months.

    I know there's more serious reasoning behind your situation, by if your DH isn't ready to have that conversation with his mom , maybe you could just give it a blanket timeframe as we did. So you would have more time to prep for that conversation.

    GL



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