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October 2015 Moms
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Personal drama

waltersmom83waltersmom83 member
edited September 2015 in October 2015 Moms
This may be a little personal for this board, but I'm desperate! My parents have been divorced since I was 5 (32 now). My father and I have never had a great relationship. He's a very hard character to take, and there were things said by him to me that are so horrible, it forced me to remove him from my life. Of course there was a lifetime of mistakes and bad decisions by him that led to this. It's been 5 years, and I still feel confident in my decision to keep him out of my life. Here's the kicker...do I tell him he has a grand daughter once she's born? Please know, this man has no personal boundaries and causes a lot of drama and hardship every time he comes around. I'm nervous if I tell him it will create a mess that I can't deal with, but there's the guilt if I don't. I wish there was a handbook for this. Your opinions or suggestions? Thanks mommas!!
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Re: Personal drama

  • aleecatsaleecats member
    My fiancé and I faced an issue like this not to long ago, except with his sisters, they had a falling out in January and I asked if he was going to tell them about LO. at first he was hesitant but he eventually told me he wanted to he was just worried it would cause problems for us. I told him no matter what I'd support him and his choice and a few weeks ago he sent a message to each of his sisters letting them know about LO and that he was sorry for what happened.

    Two of his sisters read but ignored the message, and the other he's been talking to regularly again slowly building a relationship with boundaries set. Now for us it wasn't a big deal to invite them back we were okay with them being somewhat apart of our lives. With you it sounds like even if you tell him you don't want him actively involved which is fine. But I would still tell him, at least so he knows but make it clear that nothing has changed and his role in your life isn't changing you just felt he deserved to know about his growing family tree
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  • millereliz13millereliz13 member
    My husband's mother is estranged from us for nearly seven years. We have no contact because she causes drama and is abusive verbally and mentally. We have no intention of telling her about the birth of our son. In my opinion, if you've cut off contact and he hasn't changed, then I wouldn't contact him. You shouldn't feel guilty about not telling him, especially if it'll cause more drama and heartache.
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  • mandy903mandy903 member
    If you have cut him out of your life with no plans to bring him back in definitely do not tell him. It will only open a door for him to try to get back in.
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  • SMGoodlettSMGoodlett member
    edited September 2015
    My FIL and MIL are in the process of divorce right now. FIL made some inappropriate actions towards one of his daughters (DH's sister) and has gone to court for it. He lives separately from the rest of DH's family (1 brother, 3 sisters and his mother) and is not allowed to contact any of them until after they turn 18.

    Obviously DH is an adult so he can choose to see his father if he would like to, but they've never had a solid relationship to begin with, and he is not trustworthy after everything and the way he has treated the family. So we have not talked to him, not even to tell him about his first grandchild.

    Now, my FIL's mother (grandmother in law?) does know about our baby through FB- she sent my husband a message congratulating us and asking for our address. DH did NOT give her our address and we won't allow her to see Avery either. She's 2x as crazy as FIL is. Nope nope. They're all staying far away from our littles.

    Edited to add: the grandmother has a tendency to just show up at my MIL's home whether she is welcome or not. She doesn't give notice, just shows up randomly when she wants to. She doesn't tell anyone how long she wants to stay or why she is there. So DH wouldn't give her our address because of that. Lol

    I know family craziness! Just do what is best for you and what your gut tells you. :)
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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    Dirty lurker here. I also kicked my father out of my life. I'll spare everyone the novel as to why, but he was never really around when I was a child. I saw him maybe sixteen days a year. Maybe. I decided not to tell him that he's going to have a grandchild through me - not only is it a way for him to try to guilt trip me some more, but if he wasn't there for me why should he get to know his grandchild? It's possibly a petty reason, but I don't want my child to be blackmail used against me by a man who decided I was "a piece of shit daughter".
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  • ameares721ameares721 member
    I wouldn't tell him and I wouldn't feel guilty about it either. If he finds out some other way, so be it, but if you tell him, be prepared that he may find that to be an invitation and it may come with a sense of entitlement to his grandchild. Stand firm in the confidence of your original decision! You don't need that drama in your life right now!!!
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  • Rikki_5Rikki_5 member
    edited September 2015
    ya, I probably wouldn't tell him either.  If you cut him out it was obviously for a really important reason and you feel your life is less chaotic for making that decision and you feel confident in your choice.   If he hasn't tried to make amends and apologized somehow and create a relationship with you again theres no use exposing your child to a toxic person.   That said, on the flip side he is your father and maybe you could try to build a relationship again in the future when your child is older if you feel you are up to it.  My father died when I was 22 and I really wish that he was around, but he was always supportive and didn't treat me like crap.   It sucks and I'm sorry that your dad is so toxic :(
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  • allispamallispam member
    I have a similar but slightly different dilemma in that it is my dad who has decided to cut me off (and I swear I'm being totally rational when I say it is for a reason that 99% of the world would think is completely ridiculous). I did tell him we are expecting and he was civil about it but has not made any overtures to reestablish our relationship. Now I can't decide whether or not to tell him when LO actually arrives. Part of me thinks I should because I know if I don't there is zero chance of ever restoring our relationship, but part of me thinks he made his decision and therefore it is his loss.... I totally understand your guilt but it sounds to me like you have made a decision which keeps your life healthy so it seems reasonable not to want to invite someone into your LO's life who will be toxic....
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  • waltersmom83waltersmom83 member
    Thanks ladies. I really appreciate all your responses. I'm sorry for all of us girls who got stuck with shitty father's, but it excites me to know my daughter have a wonderful father who cares.
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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    @allispam - I'm sorry to hear that on the other end of things. I don't think I'd mention it when LO arrives though. You've extended your olive branch of peace, it's up to him from there. Would sending a family photo card for the Holidays/New Year be an option? 
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  • candicequeencandicequeen member
    Hi! I cut my father out over 10 years ago for a variety of reasons. I lasted two years without speaking to him and then couldn't go through with getting married without telling him. Fortunately, he was able to come to the wedding and didn't even get drunk and ruin it. I shared several hugs and conversations with him that day. Two months later he died in a car wreck and that will be 10 years ago just before my baby boy is born this October. We all have different reasons for turning away from a family member at different times and while my reasons were valid I still regret the time I lost with him. For what it's worth, My advice would be to reach out cautiously. Let him know baby is coming. Give him the chance again and he might just suprise you.
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  • beeishbeeish member
    edited September 2015
    I'm also a lurking lurker. My father and I have had a strained relationship for years!! A couple of years ago I couldn't even tell you anything about the guy other than his name and career. When I got married I decided to ask my dad to walk me down the aisle with the blessing from my stepdad (who is always there for me). Ever since then my dad has been amazing! Our relationship is to the point where he actually stays the weekend at my house with no drinking! I'm just beyond proud and happy for him :). He wasn't around when my first LO was born but has made an effort for my DS who is 2 months.
    From personal experience id say it's never to late to start again.

    Edited to add: We got to this point with a lot of communication and setting boundaries. Set boundaries are important!
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