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August 2015 Moms
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Feeling Extremely Guilty (Long Post)

RaquelB94RaquelB94 member
in August 2015 Moms
Every since my little guy was born, my step dad has been obsessed with the baby. He wants to see him almost weekly, he'd visit daily if I'd let him. It's so frustrating when I'm a FTM and I'm still learning everything about my baby plus I'm exclusively pumping. I know I could just tell him to back off, but this is where it gets tricky.

Back story time.

My mom and stepdad met in Afghanistan back in 2006, fell in love, and he moved to Cali to help her with her 5 kids (my siblings and I). Since then he's taken care of us and I consider him my dad. The only downside of him is that he drinks heavily and he's on a laundry list of meds to treat his PTSD. Because of this, he's sometimes not in his right mind and tends to get depressed.

Fast forward.

My mom is currently deployed to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. She's the one who normally keeps my stepdad level headed or at least under control. His moods have been so unpredictable and erratic. He's even attempted suicide once. He calls me multiple times a day (usually drunk) and telling me how the only thing keeping him alive is the fact that he has a grand baby and how much he loves him. I feel so guilty by how much he annoys me. I just want him to leave me alone, but I feel like if I push him away he'll have another mental breakdown and it'll be my fault. Everytime he calls or comes over, I just wanna cry or scream. I'm so stressed out and I don't know what to do.

Do I find him someone that can help him?? Do I tell him to back off anyways?? Or do I just hold out till my mom comes home in December?? Any advice is appreciated or even just words of comfort. Thank you in advance.
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Re: Feeling Extremely Guilty (Long Post)

  • prpl11butterflyprpl11butterfly member
    Maybe gently explain to him that while you love him, and love having him in LOs life, you need some time for just you and LO. Perhaps a schedule of when he can visit so that he has something to look forward to when he's feeling down. I would definitely not hold out until December. That may cause you to have an unexpected freak out which could in turn cause more issues.
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  • candicejeff2013candicejeff2013 member
    Get help from another family member. This is tricky but you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting space. Although I've been in a similar situation and you don't want to do anything that throws them over the edge. He def needs help it sounds like. And although you know they would never do anything to you, it's scary to have someone that unstable around you and baby. It's important to be around people that are upbeat otherwise he will bring you "down"as well. And he shouldn't say things like "the only thing keeping me alive is a grand baby..." That's just very strange.
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  • Miz_LizMiz_Liz member
    Do you talk to your mom regularly? Can you tell her what is going on? If she normally keeps him level headed she may be the best one to turn to for advice since she knows what works. Good luck!
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  • RaquelB94RaquelB94 member
    I do talk to my mom, but phone lines are almost nonexistent there. The only way she can communicate is by Facebook messenger, so if he doesn't want to hear her he doesn't have to. Oh and to top it off, he's from Kentucky so all of his family is back east (including his biological children whom he rarely sees). He feels like my baby is his only "real" family here.
    I do take LO over to see him quite often. I try to squeeze a quick 20min visit in every week or so and post pictures on FB regularly to try to ease the separation anxiety he has. It's just hard when I'm trying to heal, adjust, and keep things up between DH and I. It's just starting to feel like I'm obligated to spend more tone worrying over his emotional status OVER my own.
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  • SashaDenn25SashaDenn25 member
    Rather than just posting on FB for him to see could you send pictures directly to him over txt before posting on FB to make him feel included without the constant visits?? He needs help as well and probably shouldnt be drinking with the meds hes taking I would say, but if you are unsure of what to do then finding a compromise until your Mom gets home I would say is what youll have to do. However, if its going to cause a breakdown with you youll have to fix this, you need to be healthy (mentally and physically) to be the best for LO.
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  • kettlekittenkettlekitten member
    edited September 2015
    Wow, this is some heavy shit to be dealing with while you have a new baby. What a complicated situation. I feel for you!! From what you've described I would also be worried that he could harm you or your baby. I wouldn't be waiting it out til December - that's a long way away.

    Does he have anyone who helps with his case eg, psychologists, counsellors, case workers? Anyone like that you could contact for advice on what to do - if he has attempted suicide surely that needs to be reported. Any of the Kentucky family you can speak to about it or seek advice from, or even ask to come out and help with him between now and December?

    You really must look after yourself and baby first and foremost. You're not dealing with a rational, sober person so it doesn't seem like you can have a sensible conversation about needing your own time with the baby. I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice but I'm wishing you good luck, keep us posted with how you go!

    Edited to add: you said your mum is able to stay in touch via FB messenger, so what does she say about all this? Does she have any advice on how to deal with him?
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