Formula Feeding

My choice to bottle feed

because we all need encouragement that our choice is ok:
I always knew breast feeding would be tough. I have grade 3 nipple inversion and medical websites and journals say there is little chance of success. Not only that but I am a doctor who actually does nipple eversion surgery. I have counseled women about this.
But I was willing to try. I went to a breast feeding class and was appalled by how militant they were. Any potential obstacle was treated as a case of the mother not trying hard enough. I began to get very emotional that I would regret the first few days with my daughter. But after talking to my husband and setting realistic goals I still wanted to give it a shot.
After birth, my god, you are so stinking emotional that you do just about anything for your baby. My little munchkin (2 weeks early and just 5.5 lbs) was a voracious sucker but the nips wouldn't come out. The nurses were understanding but not super helpful. I had nipple shields and nipple cream but 24 hours in she hadn't had a drop of anything (unless you count all the blood coming from one side.). It was ungodly painful and I was massaging them so hard that the whole breast was bruised.
A lactation consultant gave me tons of pointers but no real wiggle room for failure. Suddenly every two hours I had to do compresses, massage, self express, lube up. Nipple shield, unsuccessfully feed, then pump and re lube. By the time I was done Id have 30 minutes to rest and start again. All for zero nutrition. And she was getting desperate. Crying, hungry, constantly rooting.
When I went home my pediatrician told me it was fine to supplement. I had hoped to do it once or twice as we waited to see if my milk would come in, but after she got that first half oz, slept like a rock and had her first wet diaper in a day I finally breathed a sigh of relief. Three more failed attempts and now with blood blisters and open sores on both nipples and I had a full on breakdown. I was terrified to breast feed again. I was regretting my first days with my daughter
How did I get here? I am a medical professional. I know that I had little chance of successful feeding. I know formula is not bad. I know an under weight baby needs food more than the average, but I got sucked in. Partially because when you look at that face you will do anything for them. You feel like any choice other than the best choice is just selfish. And though it hurt like mad there was still something so magical about her attached to me, seeking sustinence from me. And it killed me that I wouldn't see that.
24 hours later and we are a happy bottle feeding family. She sleeps, we sleep, my husband helps and bonds more, I have cabbage leaves on my engorged breasts and Lanolin gel pads on my destroyed nipples. And I still cry when I am giving her a bottle and she turns to my breast and tries to latch. Those hormones are undeniable. Don't let them take over. What it is good for you is ultimately good for the babe.

Re: My choice to bottle feed

  • I'm so sorry you had that experience! And so glad you switched to formula so you and your baby can thrive! Keep up the good work, mama ;) 
  • I'm sorry for your experience but glad you have worked it out! Our hospital really pushes BF in general and we have chosen to FF for many reasons...I'm hoping the hospital will respect our choice and not pressure us. At the end of the day all that matters is that the baby has eaten and everyone is happy as can be!
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  • I am choosing FF for my reasons. You are doing the right thing for you and your baby!! Keep it up!! :) 
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