Community› The Bump Month Clubs› August 2015 Moms
August 2015 Moms
New Discussion

Pulling rank

tarheelgirl8tarheelgirl8 member
in August 2015 Moms
One of you lovely ladies gave advice several months ago about holding back on criticizing and telling our SOs what to do and how to do it. Anyone else finding that this is a lot harder than they thought it would be? I think it's because DH only took a week off work, and I've now been home alone with DD for several weeks. I just feel like I know her cues and needs better. It's so hard not to pull rank, so to speak!

I have got to learn to bite my tongue!
Report Reply to Post

Re: Pulling rank

  • Loading the player...
  • benmel31benmel31 member
    It is tough.  And after 2 1/2 years, we sometimes still have trouble with this.  I just try to bit my tongue and pick my battles as well.  DH would rather figure things out on his own than have me constantly watching and correcting him.  Like @emmacake08, if I notice something as a pattern that concerns me, I try to explain it logically to him.  But I have learned to not bring it up in the middle of the situation because then he gets defensive.

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers   
     Lilypie Third Birthday tickers  Lilypie First Birthday tickers





    Report Reply
  • tarheelgirl8tarheelgirl8 member
    taylorharber1108 said:

    It really is hard. DH likes to boss me around sometimes too, telling me I need to dry DS off better after his bath before taking him out of the restroom, wtf? DH also believes if he can't sooth DS it's because he is hungry. It drives me nuts!!!

    Ugh! DH does this exact same thing. He'll try to calm her for all of 10 minutes and if she's still crying he'll bring her to me to feed her. Doesn't matter if it's only been 15 minutes since she last ate. I'm like try harder babe. Babies cry for reasons other than hunger sometimes!
    Report Reply
  • hcook321hcook321 member
    tarheelgirl8 said:

    taylorharber1108 said:

    It really is hard. DH likes to boss me around sometimes too, telling me I need to dry DS off better after his bath before taking him out of the restroom, wtf? DH also believes if he can't sooth DS it's because he is hungry. It drives me nuts!!!

    Ugh! DH does this exact same thing. He'll try to calm her for all of 10 minutes and if she's still crying he'll bring her to me to feed her. Doesn't matter if it's only been 15 minutes since she last ate. I'm like try harder babe. Babies cry for reasons other than hunger sometimes!
    Same.
    Report Reply
  • candicejeff2013candicejeff2013 member
    My husband pisses me off when I try to offer advice about consoling and holding Lo. He fights me every time about it. And he doesn't support her neck even though he claims he is and her head just flops around. He just isn't a natural when it comes to baby care and hasn't really bonded with our little girl yet. I don't think he's a fan of the infant phase.
    Report Reply
  • EmEeGeeEmEeGee member
    It definitely is more difficult than I thought it would be. I'm a a nurse who takes care of super sick babies and kids for a living and we always talk about how we "own our space". I micromanage everything about my patients care all day long. So I knew I was going to want to do the same for my baby and I made a conscious effort to not hover over my husband and to let him learn his way but offer guidance if he asked or just had no clue. Apparently I was doing a bad job though, ha. He thought I was snapping at him one day because I was clearly frustrated about something that really wasn't a big deal. He said, "first of all... Don't snap. Secondly, if I can do it better just tell me how. I'd rather do it your way if it works better than do it wrong and have you get mad." I felt like a jerk. I wasn't mad. I just didn't want to correct him and couldn't understand how he didn't see that this pattern wasn't working... And got myself annoyed so that by the time I finally did say something, I sounded like a real bitch about it. I told him I'd start trying to "help him" more but to tell me if it was too much. I also find it helps if I just leave the room. In some cases it's bothering me more than baby and I need to back off.
    Report Reply
  • Kwest1007Kwest1007 member
    LO will be 2 weeks tomorrow (hubby went back to work when she was 6 days old and was gone 430am-6pm every day) so I've def spent a lot more time w her. I do try to let hubby do everything on his own when he's w her tho. I def can micromanage and obviously know her better since I'm always with her but I'm lucky that husband is observant and I'd say a bit of a natural. He did at first bring her to me every time she cried for feeding but he's now good at knowing her "schedule" and other possible reasons why she's crying.
    Report Reply
  • carleym93carleym93 member
    Oh no, it's outrageously hard. DH works A LOT so I spend a significant more amount of time with LO than he does. I know her, I know what cues mean what things, and I know how to soothe her. I feel like I'm constantly correcting him and its terrible, but at the same time, he wants to try things on his own and get to know her too. It gets frustrating though. LO doesn't react well to baby wipes to we have to wipe her down with a warm washcloth with just water on it. Today while I was in the shower getting ready for the day, I asked him to wipe her down with a cloth, put lotion on her, give her Zantac, comb her hair, change her diaper, and get her dressed. When he handed her back to me, her hair hadn't been combed, she hadn't had her Zantac, and one of her eyes was very puffy and watering. I asked him what he used to wipe her down with and he said, "wipes." Now at this point, I was angry. Every time I asked him to wipe her (which was several times at this point) I would always stop him when I'd see him reaching for the wipes and explain that he needed to use a washcloth instead. He would always question me, we'd bicker, and he'd use a wash cloth. This time, I wasn't there to see him do it. By this point, the redness has spread up to LO's forehead and her eye was tearing and bloodshot. I was furious. I basically snapped at him for not listening to me and doing things the way I had asked. He just kept saying, "I'm sorry, it won't happen again." But for some reason, even after he apologized, I couldn't stop grilling him. He came and apologized to LO and finally I just stopped talking. We get to our destination, it comes time to change her again, I have her on the table and she spits up. What does he grab? A wipe. He got close to her face, I said, "stop" and he said, "Right. Sorry." I think seeing how him not paying attention affected LO made him reconsider things. At least, I hope it did. Mommies are special. We will always know our babies better than anyone else.
    Report Reply
  • irohspupilirohspupil member
    tarheelgirl8 said:

    taylorharber1108 said:

    It really is hard. DH likes to boss me around sometimes too, telling me I need to dry DS off better after his bath before taking him out of the restroom, wtf? DH also believes if he can't sooth DS it's because he is hungry. It drives me nuts!!!

    Ugh! DH does this exact same thing. He'll try to calm her for all of 10 minutes and if she's still crying he'll bring her to me to feed her. Doesn't matter if it's only been 15 minutes since she last ate. I'm like try harder babe. Babies cry for reasons other than hunger sometimes!
    I'm a FTM, and I still think that she's hungry if she keeps crying after I try consoling her in other ways. Especially when her cry starts with a "neh" sound.
    Both DH and I are learning this baby thing together, so we haven't gotten to the point of critiquing each other. I mean, I think I change diapers better, but I try not to say anything about it because we are both learning and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. The only time I get pissed off is when DH gets frustrated/mad that LO won't calm down. It just makes the situation worse when you get frustrated and it doesn't help anything.


     
    Me: 25 | DH: 25  
    DD: Aug. 15
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    Report Reply
  • prpl11butterflyprpl11butterfly member
    I wish DH was my issue. Instead, we have my neice who is 7 telling us what to do. She will hover over DS while I am dressing him, changing him, swaddling him and I feel her staring, like she is waiting for me to do something "wrong". I get that feeling probably because she has made comments to DH that are totally out of line. One day, he was holding DS and she looked at him and said "I don't like you holding him like that". When he explained to her that it was fine, she persisted that it wasn't because she didn't like it. Another time, when DS was fussy because he was hungry, I couldn't immediately get to him but was talking to him to kind of say hey, I hear you and I'm working on it. I was saying things like "oh what's the matter? What do you need? I'll be there in a second". When I picked him up, he started the tounge thing he does so I said "ohhh, we are hungry, I can fix that" and off to feed him. Well, as I walked away, I heard her say to DH "I knew that's what he wanted but I wanted Auntie to figure it out on her own". It floors me that 1)she speaks to us that way, but I guess that's the deal with having been and "only" child for so long and 2) she has NEVER had a baby around her until now! She moved in with us at 2.5 yrs old, so even if she had been around lots of babies before us, she wouldn't remember. It drives me nuts that she thinks and acts like she knows more about caring for babies then we do (which is addmitedly not much since DS is our first). She got so upset (full on meltdown) when she found out DH was giving him his first ever bottle. No amount of explaining that he is DS dad could help her to understand why he got to do it before her. We have to CONSTANTLY remind her, you are not his mommy or daddy, what we do is our decision, you do not get to tell us how to handle/care for him. She even acts that way with other adults. When my mom or gram hold him, she will push in between us or move tons of stuff to sit next to whoever has him as if she's making sure they do it right. I was so angry the day she squeezed between me and my gram (mind you there was a perfectly fine seat on the other side of my gram). It was like she was trying to assert her position in his life as more important then mine. Again, I am sure I am blowing it out of purportion due to her comments in the past, but my goodness. I am very careful not to put down her role in his life while trying to teach her "her place" in the family but sometimes it's difficult (hormonal, sleep deprived, over worked and in need of me time times).
    Report Reply
  • PixelPosyPixelPosy member
    SassetteSmurfling said:
    It's definitely hard. I spend more time home with the kids then he does and I definitely handle them better. Not that he doesn't try, he is a great father, he just doesn't know them the way I do. It gets even worse as they get older. For example, my 2 year old can be very difficult, but I can usually get him to listen by the way I talk to him. DH doesn't get that at all. He just says "do this" and if DS doesn't do it he yells at him which then makes DS escalate and he ends up in time out. Whereas if I use a less stern voice and ask him to do something and explain to him why it needs to be done and what will happen if he doesn't do it - he does it. "Hey bud we gotta pick your toys up off the floor. If you leave them there the dog will chew them and they won't work anymore so we'll have to throw them away" is a lot more effective than "pick your toys up. I said pick them up! Don't say no to me! Go to your room!" DH says I'm babying him, but my way gets stuff done.
    Battling this with my DH, who uses a similar approach to your husband. Daycare and myself use 1,2,3 magic with DD1 and for the most part it's very effective. DH sees it as a weeny approach that gives her too many chances to correct a behavior that we've already told her is not allowed.  We have had sooo many tantrums in the past week due to DH having to parent her more lately since the baby is latched to me. I'm trying to bite my tongue and let them find their way, but her crying breaks my heart and brings on the mommy guilt.
    Report Reply
  • SassetteSmurflingSassetteSmurfling member
    @PixelPosy what is 1-2-3 magic??? Sounds interesting. I'm always looking for new approaches to try with DS. He is such a strong willed child!
    Report Reply
  • PixelPosyPixelPosy member
    @SassetteSmurfling it's basically an approach to stop or start behaviors, we've modified it a little for what works for us. Basically the child is given a 1 as a "warning". A 2 for "I mean business" and if you reach 3, it's time for the consequence or time out. What drives DH nuts is that I almost always have to issue a 2 before she complies, but we rarely get to 3. He feels the 1 should be enough.

    When I give her the 1, I tell her why she received it and if mommy gives you a three, what the consequence will be for not doing what was asked. I still try to do natural consequences whenever possible over time outs. Same with a 2, I remind her if she does not do/stop xyz the next step is the consequence.

    Violent or harmful behaviors get no 1-2-3, they are automatic time outs.

    There is more to it especially with their time out philosophy and correcting specific issues. Our biggest issue is getting her to stop and listen, and right now 1-2-3 works magically :).



    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"