So much worse

Re: So much worse

• secretbaba member

  September 2015

  Hey lovely, glad to see you back.
  So here's my two cents. You may not like it but bear with me.
  
  I feel as though the pressure your MIL (and now FIL) has put on you has caused you to actually dislike her now, as opposed to just being irritated by her. And now that that has happened, which isn't your fault, it's unfortunately going to come between the two of them and your son.
  
  I think telling them they can't see him on weekends is a bit extreme. I live close to my mum and I get upset if she doesn't see my daughter more than once a week. My MIL drives me up the wall too, but before we moved away they made an effort to see my daughter every weekend, and we made the most of it. Now I understand your dislike of yours, but is there any way you can schedule her two hours at a weekend where she can come and see Alex, do her thing and then bugger off and leave you? I understand that right now it's not about you making an effort anymore, especially since she doesn't listen, but she obviously wants a relationship with him and he should really know his grandmother.
  As far as the nephews with no shots goes, if anyone else had brought two school age kids (who've had shots) around, would it have bothered you? If the answer is honestly yes, then don't even second guess yourself about it. If no, then maybe you're letting your dislike of MIL come between things.
  
  I completely get why she's driving you mad. I get your dislike of her, she sounds completely potty and over-bearing isn't the word. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do the bare minimum for your son's sake, and rest assured you're doing the right thing.
  
  Also, if she continues to talk to you like you're stupid then the gloves are off. No politeness - there comes a point where she just needs to be told.
  
  Hope this made sense. Teething child has made my sleep patterns waaaaaaaaaay off.

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• SharLovesAlex member

  September 2015 edited September 2015

  secretbaba said:

  Hey lovely, glad to see you back.
  So here's my two cents. You may not like it but bear with me.
  
  I feel as though the pressure your MIL (and now FIL) has put on you has caused you to actually dislike her now, as opposed to just being irritated by her. And now that that has happened, which isn't your fault, it's unfortunately going to come between the two of them and your son.
  
  I think telling them they can't see him on weekends is a bit extreme. I live close to my mum and I get upset if she doesn't see my daughter more than once a week. My MIL drives me up the wall too, but before we moved away they made an effort to see my daughter every weekend, and we made the most of it. Now I understand your dislike of yours, but is there any way you can schedule her two hours at a weekend where she can come and see Alex, do her thing and then bugger off and leave you? I understand that right now it's not about you making an effort anymore, especially since she doesn't listen, but she obviously wants a relationship with him and he should really know his grandmother.
  As far as the nephews with no shots goes, if anyone else had brought two school age kids (who've had shots) around, would it have bothered you? If the answer is honestly yes, then don't even second guess yourself about it. If no, then maybe you're letting your dislike of MIL come between things.
  
  I completely get why she's driving you mad. I get your dislike of her, she sounds completely potty and over-bearing isn't the word. I'm sorry you're going through this. Do the bare minimum for your son's sake, and rest assured you're doing the right thing.
  
  Also, if she continues to talk to you like you're stupid then the gloves are off. No politeness - there comes a point where she just needs to be told.
  
  Hope this made sense. Teething child has made my sleep patterns waaaaaaaaaay off.

  Thank you so much for your response @secretbaba. You're right, it's important to me that Alex has a good relationship with his grandparents from both sides. And truth be told, I tell my mom (my dad lives in another state so this doesn't apply to him) the same thing. I'm a total people person, but lack of sleep, his teething, financial issues, etc make me batty, so I like the weekends to just be us sometimes, to enjoy our time as a little family, doing things together. I find solace and peace in enjoying our time together, since he works during the week and comes home around bedtime. I'm only asking for a reprieve between visits, not to cut them out altogether.
  
  I do agree that now it's crossed over to dislike, and I don't know how to go back. I feel like him talking to her did nothing. Then me telling her did nothing. He doesn't want them over every weekend either. His parents are very much involved in his life and his decision making (til recently, it's tapered off some). I'm not used to this type of intrusion on my private life. They tried to tell us where to live when we were looking for a bigger place before I had the baby. Places we liked that they didn't, they voiced it loudly, made their disapproval plain. He hasn't the heart (or the guts) to ask them to back off some because he'd like to just spend time with us. And trust me, before I had Alex, we did SO MUCH with them on weekends, I felt terrible that I didn't get to see my own mom much because they monopolized our time. Ugh. I want Alex to have a good relationship with them, but want them to just give us room to breathe once in a while, if that makes sense. My mom comes one weekend, stays home the next, comes the following. But with his family, it's like I have no other family, they want us to spend all our time with them. In June we did this special ceremony for Alex, he was given a blessing and a Hebrew name (Jewish tradition) and I had to ask to invite my family because they didn't even bother to extend the invite to them, just his side of the family. At this point, I'm just fed up.
  
  You're spot on about how things have shifted. I don't like her anymore, and don't know what to do about it. Everything she does now irritates me. It's frustrating because I like to get along with everyone. I just don't know what to do. I feel like it went unaddressed for so long, that now she doesn't really care to change or try to understand my point of view. That I just want to be acknowledged as his mom, not just the person that takes care of him. She had to be asked by my husband to include me in photos because she won't take any with me in them. It's just gone too far. I don't know how to resolve this.
  
  

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• secretbaba member

  September 2015

  I feel for you. If we hadn't moved half way around the world, I could see mine going a similar way in the beginning.
  How about doing something once every other weekend and maybe once on a weeknight every other week, where you don't even have to be there (your hubby could see it as his time with his mum?) and then she gets her time with him? You get a break. I don't think, with her behaviour, you should even be really thinking about HER, it's more for Alex's sake.
  I don't know what else to tell you. She sounds vile. Your poor husband.

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• rlucido member

  September 2015

  You are not alone in your MIL driving you crazy.  Mine does and has been for a while.  Everything she says feels like a criticism!  Although mine seems like nothing compared to yours. 

  
  

  It is unfortunate and unbelievable that your MIL thinks it's okay to not invite your side of the family to events for your son or to not be taking pictures with you in them.  The is straight up ignorant!  It sounds like he has tired but somehow your husband needs to make it clear that is not acceptable behavior. 

  
  

  From what you've described it seems like your in laws don't understand boundaries a formal MAJOR discussion needs to be had between you and your husband and his parents.  It's time for them to let you both enjoy this time as a new family.  They are no longer the parents that get to make the decisions about what happens in their son's life.  They don't seem to understand that your husband has grown up and started his own family and that you both now make the decisions regarding your family.  Period.

  
  

  Possibly try to meet them for coffee/dinner without your son around and have this discussion with them.  It won't be pleasant and feelings will get hurt but after some time passes and your in laws see that they still get to spend time with their grandson hopefully they will understand.  

  
  

  This is the last thing you, as a new mom, need to worry about.  I'm sorry your going through this.  Don't let this go on forever or it will always drive you crazy and drive an even bigger wedge between you and your in-laws.

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• KD32412 member

  September 2015

  What the what? She sounds crazy rude. Why does she have this power over all the men in her life? It's like she's the queen bee or something. Hahaha, maybe that's why she treats you how she does! She views you as the younger bee coming to take over her hive! Do you folks in any way receive monetary help from his family? I had a friend who has wealthy in-laws, and for some reason, they believe they can make family decisions for them. Not fully knowing the situation, I don't have any real remedies for you, but this online advice column may help.
  
  https://alphamom.com/your-life/handling-a-difficult-mother-in-law/

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• SharLovesAlex member

  September 2015 edited September 2015

  @secretbaba That's all I want! All I ask is just a break between visits. It's so overwhelming because his parents have zero boundaries (right on the nose there @rlucido). Especially his mom. And yes, totally what I've been thinking as of late @KD32412! I asked him if he was afraid of his mom, and I wasn't trying to be rude or funny. He admitted he is, she gets her "feelings hurt" so easily. I personally think she's manipulative and doesn't like that I've taken some of the power she had over my husband away from her. Up until we got together, his mom still paid his cell bill!! When he told her we were getting on a plan, she tried to dissuade him. She drives my husband crazy and truth be told, he loves her but can't stand to be around her. She causes him so much anxiety with her incessant phone calls and texts and voicemails if he doesn't call or text back...it's like because she views her son as a child, I'm automatically lumped into that and made to feel as if I can't take care of myself or my son properly. And to be clear, the boys she wanted to bring had just started school and who knows what kind of germs they picked up...she didn't even ask if she could bring them, just said she was. So I had to put my foot down and say no, it wasn't okay to bring them. They got upset and said I play favorites with my mom, but they see us more than she does! They come over or we have to go to them. They brought up the fact that I took Alex to the funeral of a close friend of my family's that took her life in June. Can you believe that??? They threw that in my husband's face. Just so rude. @KD32412 They don't give us money, but they DID furnish our nursery (we didn't ask them to, just one day in January they just called and said they'd bought everything). So yes, I feel like they think we are indebted to them and they are more entitled to time with us than my mom because they spend more money on us and Alex. But my mom is single, works hard as a therapist and doesn't have the luxury of a disposable income. I'm all for the every other weekend visits @secretbaba, if only they'd be okay with that instead of trying to force us into seeing them every weekend. @rlucido I think you're right, we need to have a serious discussion, and none of their "we need to sit down and talk about some things because we're not happy" type of discussion. It's to set boundaries, which they NEED to adhere to. Sorry guys that this is so long winded, just so much frustration and I'm at my wits end with these people...and LO is only 5 months (almost six) old! It needs to end. He's not going anywhere. Everyone will get time with him to do things. I just want some time to enjoy MY BABY WHILE HE'S A BABY without everyone butting in. Is that too much to ask??? ~X(

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