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April 2016 Moms
stephstokes
member
Our third time was NOT a charm... (Loss mentioned)
stephstokes
member
I'm sad, angry, confused, anxious, embarrassed, disappointed, sore all of what you would expect when one finds out they are miscarrying for a THIRD TIME IN A ROW. First pregnancy ended June 2014... Waited 10 months second loss April 2015... Which brings me to 9/3/2015. I had experienced some cramping what I would even considered more of a bloat feeling on Wednesday 9/2/15. I went on throughout my day not trying to dwell on the negative or "what ifs," however, trying to sleep that night SOMETHING was just different. I woke up several times to bad dreams and finally at 0700 I woke up in a complete sweat that I was with one of my OB doctors and we were headed to the operating room for D and C number 3 
. I couldn't get over this particular nightmare as the morning went on I struggled calling the doctors office bc at that time six days earlier I had experienced even worse cramping and we saw our baby on the US screen wiggling, heartbeat was beautiful and was even told this IS going to be the one by the ultrasound tech (she is just sweet by nature) I'm not angry at her for false reassurance she wanted our happiness just as much as we did. I go to the doctor yesterday bc of the complaint about cramps I didn't think they would see me if I told them I had this dream... Doctor takes us back for an ultrasound studies the screen for what felt like and still does for an eternity and I said, "What's wrong!?!" She replied, "Just looking and tried to give comfort by placing her hand on my arm." After I would say two minutes my significant other asks if there is a heartbeat???? I hear the words no pregnant woman ever wants to... "I'm not seeing one ..." This being the THIRD time and my emotions, hormones, heck my entire life has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of!! I lost it. I was ANGRY this time. I yelled in tears, "TURN THE DIAL UP, the VOLUME.. There has to be a heartbeat !!!" The tears have been coming more on than off since yesterday afternoon. The staff tells you they are sorry and they have no words and I know there is nothing one can say but, what I wanted was to leave with MY baby this time; in April! Not like this. My SO pleaded with them to get me on the surgery schedule for today as here it is a long ironically named Labor Day weekend holiday.. The emotions of this have just been way to much. Less than 24 hours that intuition , gut feeling whatever you want to call it was now my reality! This was nothing new to me at the surgery center. I new the drill at this point. The surgery itself went well. They are sending off tissue for biopsy which more than likely will not give answers. I'm not trying to be a pessimist but, truthfully this is one area of medicine that has a long way to go. Will I physically heal? Yes. Will I be my resilient self and go on with life saying everything is well when you run into an old pal.. Yes. Will I seek counseling ? Yes. Will I try again ? I don't know if I can handle a forth loss. Will certain people on both sides of our family think it's the other person with the issues instead of their son/brother/grandson/friend? Absolutely. But, you know whys what others think will not change who I am. I'm hurting more than ever before and as I have stated in other posts I do have two children a daughter 10 and a son 6 with my ex husband. Never ever will a day go by where I do not realize how blessed I am. I wanted my SO to be able to share this wonderful experience and surprisingly he is being strong for both of us. I guess I will wrap up this novel I have written (if you have to this point THANK YOU.). I wish you all happy healthy baby you yearn for. Always trust your gut instinct and know you're not a pest by calling the doctor. That is their profession and if it is an issue seek other OB care. I'm going to bed with a heavy heart but, taking relief in knowing that I did get to see the baby move and so did SO, the baby isn't hurting, it will never know pain should it have been born with any life threatening issues. I will enjoy life here and one day hopefully a long time from now I will be reunited with these angels. Good Night and BEST WISHES APRIL MOMMIES!!
. I couldn't get over this particular nightmare as the morning went on I struggled calling the doctors office bc at that time six days earlier I had experienced even worse cramping and we saw our baby on the US screen wiggling, heartbeat was beautiful and was even told this IS going to be the one by the ultrasound tech (she is just sweet by nature) I'm not angry at her for false reassurance she wanted our happiness just as much as we did. I go to the doctor yesterday bc of the complaint about cramps I didn't think they would see me if I told them I had this dream... Doctor takes us back for an ultrasound studies the screen for what felt like and still does for an eternity and I said, "What's wrong!?!" She replied, "Just looking and tried to give comfort by placing her hand on my arm." After I would say two minutes my significant other asks if there is a heartbeat???? I hear the words no pregnant woman ever wants to... "I'm not seeing one ..." This being the THIRD time and my emotions, hormones, heck my entire life has been nothing short of a roller coaster ride that I can't get off of!! I lost it. I was ANGRY this time. I yelled in tears, "TURN THE DIAL UP, the VOLUME.. There has to be a heartbeat !!!" The tears have been coming more on than off since yesterday afternoon. The staff tells you they are sorry and they have no words and I know there is nothing one can say but, what I wanted was to leave with MY baby this time; in April! Not like this. My SO pleaded with them to get me on the surgery schedule for today as here it is a long ironically named Labor Day weekend holiday.. The emotions of this have just been way to much. Less than 24 hours that intuition , gut feeling whatever you want to call it was now my reality! This was nothing new to me at the surgery center. I new the drill at this point. The surgery itself went well. They are sending off tissue for biopsy which more than likely will not give answers. I'm not trying to be a pessimist but, truthfully this is one area of medicine that has a long way to go. Will I physically heal? Yes. Will I be my resilient self and go on with life saying everything is well when you run into an old pal.. Yes. Will I seek counseling ? Yes. Will I try again ? I don't know if I can handle a forth loss. Will certain people on both sides of our family think it's the other person with the issues instead of their son/brother/grandson/friend? Absolutely. But, you know whys what others think will not change who I am. I'm hurting more than ever before and as I have stated in other posts I do have two children a daughter 10 and a son 6 with my ex husband. Never ever will a day go by where I do not realize how blessed I am. I wanted my SO to be able to share this wonderful experience and surprisingly he is being strong for both of us. I guess I will wrap up this novel I have written (if you have to this point THANK YOU.). I wish you all happy healthy baby you yearn for. Always trust your gut instinct and know you're not a pest by calling the doctor. That is their profession and if it is an issue seek other OB care. I'm going to bed with a heavy heart but, taking relief in knowing that I did get to see the baby move and so did SO, the baby isn't hurting, it will never know pain should it have been born with any life threatening issues. I will enjoy life here and one day hopefully a long time from now I will be reunited with these angels. Good Night and BEST WISHES APRIL MOMMIES!!
Re: Our third time was NOT a charm... (Loss mentioned)
DD #2 2 years old (08/17/11)
DD #3 born 08/29/13
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Nov siggy challenge: animals eating Thanksgiving food
Rhys - born 04.17.2013
Harry - born 04.18.2016