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Northern California Babies
"We're practicing being grandparentS" vent
DH & I visited my dad in San Diego last week. It was a belated Xmas. His GF lives with him. She's cool, I have nothing really against her....kinda tries too hard, is a little, um, odd, but whatever, she's nice.
So, they built this gingerbread house for Xmas. As people were over for dinner (aunts, cousins, etc)...she said that THEY are practicing being grandparents.
Um, really? She's not going to be a grandparent. She's just dad's GF. right? Am I wrong here? Why did that bother me?
At another point in the weekend, when we were getting ready to go out to a restaurant for dinner, I asked my dad if what i'm wearing is ok/too casual. His response? "oh yeah, its fine...plus you're going with your parentS so ?not a big deal"
Um, really? My other parent is up in San Jose and you guys are divorced. The GF isn't a parent.
I've been bugged by this for a little while. My dad has lived there for 7 years, she's lived there for a little over a year...and every time I visit, I feel more and more of a guest. ...and then these last comments just weird to me. She's not going to be a grandparent, right?
?
oh, and they don't plan on getting married....just thought i'd throw that in there.
Thx for listening..?
?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "We're practicing being grandparentS" vent
That totally sucks !! Overstepping much ? It seems as though some boundaries may need to be set pretty quickly.
I do agree with Edsbaby that some of it you may have to let go if they aren't going to be that involved or see the baby that much......
You gotta do what is comfortable for you !!!
I haven't really talked to him about it. He's not easy to talk to about this kind of stuff. He would probably play it off or change the subject, knowing him. I love my dad to death, but our relationship is different every time I see him. Like, I found out the weirdest way how she moved in. He told me after the fact. One day on the phone, i asked if i needed to bring something, and he said that she already had that stuff there since she moved in. I'm like 'what?! she moved in? He got mad because he said i should've already known and he told me already. He had NEVER told me. I just found out.?
She's not 'stealing him away' (maybe a bad choice of words), but he's just...I dunno, different. He's so much more distant than before.?(example, we all were planning on going to a movie, while she was cooking dinner. When he found out she wasn't coming, I heard him tell her that he'd stay with her instead of going to the movie with us...like honestly, we didn't spend $$ to fly down to SD to go to the movies by ourselves...she told him, 'no spend time with your daughter'...his response was 'i did and have been'...it felt like he marked it off the checklist ya know?)
My mom is a bit fierce and as much as we don't have the greatest relationship, she'd FREAK if she knew there was this other lady thinking she's a grandma.
As for me, I just find it weird. You're his GF, I don't see her as family. Granted they've been together a good handful of years, but still. I may feel different if they got married, but they can't and won't do that.?
I totally see where you are coming from. Its a serious relationship..and I love that there's one more person to love our child. That is an exciting part.
I just feel awkward a little bit by it. Like, the way she said it and brought it up just felt like she was overstepping.
Another thing that worries me is when the baby arrives...when my dad is at the hospital after baby is born, is it bad that I don't feel comfortable with her being there right away? I mean, DH & I, his parents, my mom, my dad...and his GF? If GF is there, there would be a brawl between my mom and whoever. My mom (again, not the closest person in my world) would freak out and if I were her, i'd feel SO uncomfortable. Plus, she wouldn't hold back...she'd say something bad and start drama. Is it bad that dad's GF doesn't come on day 1??
I can see why that might feel awkward for you. I might even feel the same way at first. But from my personal experience, I would embrace the idea.
My Grandma is technically my step-Grandma, but since she has been my Grandma since I was born, I love her like we're blood and I think our wonderful relationship might have been compromised if my parents made a different distinction with her instead of just letting her be my Grandma.
I hope I'm making sense and you can see it from the other side at least a little.
She's in her late 40s and my dad is in her late 50s. ?
It sounds like you need to have a talk with your Dad and not be so annoyed at the gf. If they have been together a long time it may be nice to includer her a little bit. My stepdad ( who I don't care for ) has been around for 15 years or so and he was obviously ver excited when I was pg and my dc calls him " Gramps " . I thought that he deserved that respect.
Maybe your dc can call her " nana " or something to that affect ?
I would set boundaries before the hospital. I totally think that you can say who you want to see the baby at first. Maybe siblings, "girlfriend" aunts and uncles etc or whoever is that can come and see the baby after. At that point in time your Dad can come back with her.
I set boundaries with my MIL before and she still walked in while I was pushing
So make sure you have that talk beforehand of who is welcome there and who you would like to see the baby at your house rather then at the hospital !!
You guys are right, and thanks for listening. The closeness of their relationship hasn't really come through until the last couple of years, so even though she's kinda been around for a while, it all feels so new to me. Ya know? Up until a couple of years ago, I would only see her once a year. They broke up for a while...its not til recently that she's very....there.
I really do think its sweet that she's so excited about it, its certainly not that. I definitely want don't not want her in the baby's life. I think the practicing for being grandparents thing threw me off. I initally felt like, "way to assume", when I first heard it, but the more I think of it, I see where you guys are coming from.??
Maybe i'm a little bummed that my relationship with my dad & I has changed?
Maybe i'm a little paranoid about my mom's reaction at the hospital.
Anyways, thanks for listening. Welcome to the random family thoughts that have been going through my head the last few days.
Good tip! Really, I don't think I want anyone but DH during the labor...and just our immediate parents and siblings right after...is that normal??
I'm glad we've been able to offer you a different perspective.
Honestly? That's your mom's problem, not yours. She shouldn't be p!ssed just because your Dad has a GF that is a big part of his (and yours & baby's life). As hard as it might be, you're going to have to try to push that from your mind and know that there's nothing you can (or should) do to moderate the situation. You'll have "backup" at the hospital to keep things from getting out of control. (assuming you allow the GF to visit in the hospital.)
Good luck! I hope it all ends up working out smoothly.
My dad has been married to my "step mother" for 15 years. My dad has six grandchildren, none of whom refer to her as a grandmother -- she is Papa (my dad)'s wife, and they call her a sweet nickname that is a take off of her name (it doesn't mean grandma).
My dad got together with her immediately after leaving my mother and there was intense tension for a LONG time, but it's been 20 years and most of the tension is gone. I never considered her a mother figure because they married after I was grown up. But everyone knows that the only boundry left is that our children have a grandma -- everyone else is second.
Having said that, she was thrilled about our child, loves him to pieces and he adores her in return. It's a baby. And people are allowed to get a little excited.
Speaking as someone who has a step-grandmother...
I call her by her first name; which drives her absolutely batty. My real grandmother died when I was 4 months old...my grandfather remarried a year and a half later....everyone knew he could not be alone and would find someone fast.
So technically...she has been in my life, my whole life...but she isn't my grandmother. I know that sounds terrible, but I had a grandmother and from what everyone tells me about her...she was the most amazing woman that ever graced this planet (she would have to be to put up with my dad and uncle and grandfather! lol). She and my grama (mom's mom) were the best of friends, completely inseperable.
My grama and I are the very best of friends...and she has told me all about my other grandmother and I feel like I always knew her.
My parents both agreed that whatever my sister and I felt comfortable calling his wife was fine with them. My grandfather and his wife constantly tried to get us to call them grama and papa....but my mom's parents are grama and papa...so they were other papa and her first name. She hated it....but my parents told them "they will call you what they are happy and comfortable with and you will just have to deal with it."
I don't actually even call him my other papa when I talk to people anymore...I call him "my dad's father"....they just are not my favorite people and I don't feel they have earned the right to be my grama and papa. Harsh, yes...but there is a LONG history with them...
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!
Oh...in summary...
My advice is to tell them that your kids will call them what you and your kids both decide is best for them and that they have no say. If they don't like it, let them rant and rave. Your kids, your rules.
Money Matters The other half's blog.
EJ is growing up too fast!