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Confused by DH's actions

BabyRut2015BabyRut2015 member
in January 2016 Moms
Sometimes he goes on about how he can't wait to be dad, other times I feel he's hot/cold.

I'm almost 22 weeks, and LO'S movements have been undetectable to him, so we stopped trying to get him to feel them...but this past week I can see my tummy jump and twitch and it's definitely detectable through touch or sight. I waited up for him after work (even though I wanted to go to bed) and after saying hi to the pup and hanging out for a minute he went to go get on his computer... so I was like hey I have some ice water I know she's awake I can feel her moving, let's see if we can see her. He was completely unenthusiastic and reacted as though I was asking him to take out the trash. Then he said he just wanted to "chill out." Then acted like he was irritated that we were going to fight about it... so I didnt.....I went to bed..

I know he's been under some pressure at work, but now I'm just super let down at his impatient and crappy attitude about LO moving, I thought he'd want to see. And extra mad because I waited up for him.

Mostly my feelings are hurt because I feel like he's usually so awesome as a partner, and lately I keep getting this crappy lazy jerky version of my DH.

Overreacting???
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Re: Confused by DH's actions

  • BabyRut2015BabyRut2015 member
    I should add that because of our work schedules, we don't see each other very often. And sorry for the vent/rant post, but I am at a loss and so dumbstruck by his recent behavior.
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  • cawalpcawalp member
    I'm not sure if it's the stress at work or the barely seeing you, but guys act weird during pregnancy. My DH has been having a hard time feeling kicks, he's only felt a little thing twice, and sometimes he doesn't want to try because he gets frustrated that he can't feel anything even though I can. It could be that simple. Maybe take a video of the jumping belly and send it to him at work and he may get more excited to try to feel it too! Hope everything works out.
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  • BabyRut2015BabyRut2015 member
    Yea....he grew impatient with trying to feel before (which I was suprised at-not in his character). So maybe that's part of it.... I'm just trying not to be too upset or overreact because he's usually so sweet...

    Thanks for the suggestion & support @cawalp
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  • MississippiCatfishMississippiCatfish member
    This is pregnancy #3 for me, and DH has never gotten excited about feeling the baby move (that I have observed). He loves hearing the heartbeat or seeing ultrasounds, but feeling kicks seems to get a much less excited reaction. Maybe it just isn't his thing and he feels like you're forcing it? Just a thought.
    *E 10/2012, H 7/2014, F 2/2016*
    Pregnancy Ticker

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  • KFrobKFrob member
    Maybe a bit of jealousy that he can't feel the baby like we can?  Mine as admitted to this when getting frustrated about not feeling her.
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  • gcolon7988gcolon7988 member
    I know that if my DH has had a rough day at work it can carry on to home. He will need sometime after he gets home to eat something, pet the dog and unwind before he really wants to talk about/do anything. I've learned to just give him that space otherwise he just gets snappy and then we're both angry. Obviously you know your DH better than anyone here, but if this was out of character for him maybe just cough it up to a bad day? We all have them
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  • BabyRut2015BabyRut2015 member
    Thanks ladies, I'm going to assume some of these things might be true. It's also nice to hear other experiences... it's just hard to figure out how big a deal it is or not feel hurt when you have runaway hormones!!
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  • ChrissyD1203ChrissyD1203 member
    My husband never gets his excited. Sometimes he will put his hand on my stomach for a second. That's about it. I think he will be different once she arrives.
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  • BlueyedskyBlueyedsky member
    My hubby is definitely excited, but he totally needs his chill out time after work. If I haven't seen him in a while, I'll usually cuddle him while he chills, and then after a few minutes he is ready to talk and interact again. Or if I were to gently say hey I waited up for you can you give me five minutes before I go to bed? He would definitely be theRe.

    Maybe your hubby didn't understand that you have been able to see the baby and we're planning on this time being the one where your hubby gets to see too? He could have easily seen it as "let's see IF you can see it" which honestly doesn't sound fun if you've tried it a bunch before.
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  • Grace213Grace213 member
    Dh sucks right now so I completely understand... We work opposite shifts so we don't need a babysitter for DD but it's like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with me or get excited about the baby. He was the same when I was pregnant with DD. Like your DH, he'd rather "chill out" with video games or mess around on his phone. It really sucks. Like PPs have said, it's like this mode he goes into during pregnancy. Feeling the baby move is not exciting all all to him.

    If you get him to come around, let me know your tips and tricks! I've got nothin.
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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    Dirty lurker here. My SO is the same way - in words and in most of his actions, he is very excited for baby. Other times, he's very 'meh' about this whole pregnancy thing. I was getting frustrated with him when I was trying to get him to feel baby move for the first time and it didn't help that little stinker liked to troll him/me by moving away as soon as his hand touched my belly. Come to think of it, the little brat still does this... Anyway, it's difficult to try not to involve him but try not to pounce as soon as he walks in the door. Have a few minutes of strictly non-baby related conversation before you talk about baby. 


    Also, maybe don't let him know that you're going to try to get LO to move. My SO finally felt Blerch move when I chugged some ice water before bed and laid down to a dance party in my gut. I snuggled up to him, grabbed his hand, and placed it where baby kept kicking. 
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  • MrsB915MrsB915 member
    Im sorry that he doesnt seem as enthusiastic as you would like. Sometimes when my DH gets home from work I can just feel the stress of his day radiating off of him so I completely get where you're coming from. When he's stressed like that it's contagious. So we've learned what each other needs at those points. When he's stressed he needs quite and when I'm stressed I usually need to talk about it without him trying to solve it.

    When my baby is moving a lot and I think dh will be able to feel it I call him over and we sit quietly together. I watch his face for a reaction but I never ask him, "did you feel that?" Because then he knows he missed something and is disappointed. If he can't feel anything we say oh well, maybe next time. I think your dh will probably be more excited to feel own when it is stronger and more consistent.
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  • CejimlCejiml member
    My DH isn't super into feeling baby either. This is baby2 for us and he was the same with our first. He wants to hear about it but he doesn't have the patience to sit and wait with his hand on my belly. But once our first got here he was and still is the most hands on dad I know. I think men connect once the baby is here and a living breathing needing person you know.
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  • m6tonnerm6tonner member
    I was getting so frustrated and upset that my husband couldn't feel the baby kicking. We would lay in bed and I would feel so disappointed for him, and I kept apologizing. He said "just relax, I'm holding hands with my daughter." (Which of course made me tear up immediately). Maybe if you can re-phrase what you're trying for?
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  • MaMinette13MaMinette13 member
    My DH is already discouraged that he hasn't felt her yet (I'm 22+5 today) and last night told me he doesn't think he will ever feel her!!  I told him that as I just started feeling movements at 21 weeks, and they are still not super consistent, but he was acting super depressed about it.

     I think they feel a little left out, and react in strange ways with this whole pregnancy thing.
    Me: 32 DH: 32
    Married 11/24/13
    DD1 born 12/24/15
    TTC #2 Aug. 16
    BFP for #2 11/22/16





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  • amargaret24amargaret24 member
    edited September 2015
    I think it's easy to forget that we "feel" the kicks from the inside & the outside and we are constantly holding our bellies so A. we get way more action and B. the sensation is so much more real for us coming from both angles. 

    For the guys especially right now in our pregnancies, they don't feel the kicks on the "inside" so it kind of just feels like gas bubbles if anything. Maybe little pops......I have had the same discouraging attitude from my fiance. He is obviously super excited but holds his hands on my belly for MAYBE a minute or TWO at the longest. Last night he finally felt a solid kick and he was excited. But that was that! 

    Also, I wanna throw in there that guys get overwhelmed with "becoming dads" and getting things in order and getting mentally prepared. That can sidetrack their excitement and elation, they're just trying to figure out how to be good dads! My fiance has on and off days. On his off days, he is sort a totally crummy pants... but on his ON days he is awesome! 

    Don't take it personally )
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  • jrouge12jrouge12 member
    My husband goes hot and cold pretty quickly. It took a good few months of me being pregnant before he used words like baby or pregnant. We had our A/S on Monday and he was nonchalant about the whole thing, didn't say he was excited about our little girl but then we stopped at Babies R Us so I could pick out an outfit and all of a sudden he wanted to help and he was showing excitement. I think it might be a guy thing.
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  • sunnydlightsunnydlight member
    It's probably just a guy thing. He's irritated by work and wants to chill out and not be bothered. My hubby does the exact same thing. If he's had a bad day, he either wants left alone to play batchalor or wants a hug and to talk. He lets me have my space or hugs me when I need it so I do the same for him.
    He was super excited when we could finally hear baby with our stethoscope, he'd listen to it every night. Then he wanted to feel baby move because I could, wanted every detail of how it felt... Then he got sour over it until I grabbed his hand two nights ago when LO was going nuts and made him feel.
    I guarantee your hubby will come around and smile like a big goof when he feels your LO.
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  • ChrissyD1203ChrissyD1203 member
    @MrsB915 totally not pregnancy related- but why can't a man understand that I just want to talk about my problem without him trying to solve it. Like I can't ever just vent, it turns into a lesson from him on how I should act differently, what he thinks I should do now, etc. URG
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  • katherines2ndminimekatherines2ndminime member
    My DH has been a bit moody and jerky lately too. And he is never really like that. I think he's also feeling pressure re baby coming and maintaining a good quality of life.
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  • MeghaJakeMeghaJake member
    My husband is a really great involved dad. He is definitely the favorite parent in our house. But he has never shown any excitement when I have been pregnant. He doesn't care what week I am. He doesn't want to feel the baby kick. He doesn't want to know about symptoms or really anything about pregnancy. He only comes to ultrasound appointments. But he's such a great dad that the neighbors down the street call him "the good dad" because they don't know his name but they always see him playing with the kids outside.
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  • MrsB915MrsB915 member
    @ChrissyD1203 I think they just want to be very hands on and fix the problem. I've had to tell my husband multiple times over the years that I don't need a solution to my problem, I just need to talk about it. At first it tended to lead to an argument, he'd say why complain if you don't want advice? But now he's usually good about just listening.

    It's definitely a guy thing!
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  • BabyRut2015BabyRut2015 member
    I can't tell you how reassuring all these responses are! I kinda knew some of these things, but other people telling you, and pointing things out helps sometimes. I feel better just reading these and being reminded that it's not as real for him.

    Thanks for sharing experiences too!

    It's so cool to be the one that makes the baby lol but I wish we could share the experience a little more...

    Also, DH kinda came around today and was super comforting and attentive when he realized I was still in a funk. Pregnancy is new to both of us lol. And to be fair, these mood swings are coming out of no where this week...and its been rough...lol. I'm usually pretty even keeled.
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  • danasphillipsdanasphillips member
    Honestly, if rolls were reversed I would not want to sit around waiting to MAYBE feel a baby kick after a long day of work. Men experience pregnancy differently than we do (obviously). DH is way more excited this time around because he knows what's to come since we already have a child who he is head over heels over, but the first time around he was kind of meh about all things pregnancy related. I think it's unfair to expect them to be as excited about the pregnancy stuff at we are, but it is important that they are supportive of you whenever possible.
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  • UptownPearlUptownPearl member
    My DH is ecstatic about becoming a dad and wants to be involved, but he has zero patience. I'll tell him LO just kicked and he'll put his hand on my belly and if doesn't happen again in the next 20 seconds he gives up. It's frustrating to me because I want him to be able to feel and be involved, but I can't control LO's movements. I just wouldn't take it personally. We will get to a point in 3rd tri where it'll be really obvious and frequent and then they care share in those fun moments.
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