How do I tell family stop asking if I am pregnant yet?

khochanadel · August 2015

The husband and I have been somewhat open about our journey (ectopic pregnancy > TTC for a year > stage 4 endometriosis > IVF > FET) with understanding members of our immediate family. There is one person, however, who will not let up and takes everything I say as an implication that I am pregnant and is constantly asking me. As anyone who's gone through infertility knows, it feels like a knife to the gut every time someone asks "Are you pregnant yet?" when you're not. It freaking hurts, and it freaking sucks.

The person is my sister in law (brother's wife) who is younger than me and has two boys of her own (7&4). I know she's not intentionally trying to hurt me, but she has said some really hurtful things during our journey - talking about how she has baby fever and she could get pregnant so easily if my brother would just relent, talking about how my nephews keep asking for cousins (at one point she felt the need to include that the older one asked if his aunts were spayed), and of course asking all the time if I am pregnant yet.

I've called her out a few times for being rude but she doesn't seem to get the hint. My latest strategy has just been to ignore her until there's something to share (we do our first FET on 9/17 - fingers crossed and sticky thoughts), but she won't stop asking for updates and keeps giving me all the $hitty platitudes (someone I know got pregnant immediately! just relax! God will provide!), and I feel like a terrible person for just ignoring her. Has anyone else had to deal with this? Infertility is hard enough without the people who should be supporting you being thoughtless.

How should I approach this? (Also she lives 12 hours away, so having a glass of wine together and explaining face to face isn't gonna work.)

KidShrink · August 2015

Sorry you're going through all this! Most people have bern pretty good on our end, except for 3, in very different ways: my FIL (overly enthusiastic about becoming a grandpa, sending me links to 'grandpa' shirt he just bought the day I found out our last cycle hadn't worked: I responded that I understand his enthusiasm and wants a baby as much as he wants a grandchild, but that unfortunately, things are more complicated for us than the average couple...he also lives far, so easy to ignore. When he posted something on facebook, I tagged my BIL- who has no intention of having kids - and asked him if he had something to announce)
My sister: got pregnant on her first try and has no filter, so said pretty hurtful things. She also lives far, so easy to ignore, but I told her straight up what I thought.
Close friend; she's very aware of our treatments, and has even offered to be a surrogate if we needed after her current pregnancy...but has alluded many time to how nice it'd be to be pregnant at the same time, and sent me a countdown to my beta. I just told her this was a stressful process and I didn't need any more stress added on if we wanted this to work.
So overall my response has been to speak up, and then ignore. Unfortunately, some people just won't ever get it, and there's nothing we can do about that...best of luck with your FET!

khochanadel · August 2015

Thanks! Same with my SIL - no filter whatsoever, as evidenced by sharing my nephew's precocious inquiries with the world. Next time she does it I'll just have to straight up say "Stop asking because asking hurts my feelings. When it happens, you will know."

Like I would announce that kind of good news posing with a martini on Facebook (we were celebrating my husband getting a job offer and I just said 'got some great news today'). And like I would tell you in a Facebook comment if I were.

LCK0830 · August 2015

I'm so sorry you're going through this, @khochanadel I haven't figured out the best way to deal with prying family members/friends either but wanted to provide my support. I know they mean well but they add stress to an already stressful situation. My sister, who knows what I'm going through, is pregnant again. She told me, with a laugh, that she feels like she's always pregnant. My method is always to ignore. For me, silence is deafening but not everyone notices a non response so eventually I'll need to say something.

Good luck with your FET!

MKLEWIS2010 · August 2015

This process is already stressful enough. I agree with pp you just have to be honest and say this is a painful process already and I don't want to talk about it. When I get pregnant I will let you know but I really would appreciate it if you stop bringing it up. Good luck with your FET!

bpfeiff84 · August 2015

I've gotten to the point where I just simply say, "We're working on it and we will be happy to let you know when we're successful." I leave it at that and most people have been very understanding. My MIL decided that it was appropriate to tell me that she was waiting on a grandbaby in front of all our family and friends during our housewarming party. I told her, "I'm taking enough medication to get everyone in this room knocked up so we are working on it." That shut her up pretty quickly.

sabrinahoppas · August 2015

Hi, I'm new here and I'll post an introduction next, but I am going through the same thing. My FIL constantly asks if I'm still drinking and even asks other family members to "check me out" when I visit them and report back. At the end of his last visit he even said "you'll have my grandchildren if you like it or not." My MIL is more passive but regularly sends my private FB messages with pictures and articles about babies and kids. We've been trying for 10 mos, I have endometriosis and don't ovulate hardly ever. It's super frustrating to go through the ups and downs each time we try new meds without the added pressure from my in laws. I'd tell them what's going on except they are part of a huge close nit fam. If I tell them 50 other relatives will know all my personal business in a matter of days. I appreciate the advice above and knowing others are experiencing the same. I wish you luck with your fam and in your journey to having a kiddo.

HBamama2B · August 2015

@bpfeiff84 Bravo! Extremely well played! Sorry for your struggle, but I'm impressed with your wit and composure under fire.

Sorry everyone who is having eager beaver or inappropriate family interest struggles.

it definitely doesn't make this journey any less harrowing then it already has to be.

beckihall · August 2015

I had the same problem with my SIL (she's pregnant with her 4th baby in 6 years), nothing but rude and ignorant comments. The last straw was when she told me going through infertility isn't a big deal and it's not devastating to find out you can't get pregnant on your own. All I did was say "you're right, it's not a big deal". I think she got the point because she hasn't tried to reach out to me. She even knew I was finding out if we were pregnant 2 weeks ago, and hasn't talked to me at all.

FatPony · August 2015

Wow, your SIL sounds like a total B****! I have no good advice, just wanted to say that you are NOT a bad person for ignoring her. I would've flipped out and told her off long ago!

krbjoy · August 2015

@beckihall Wow. The nerve of some people. I don't get it, probably because I'm so empathetic. I don't need to experience someone's pain to understand it. How dear she! Sorry. I just got real fired up. It's just so easy for those people to tell YOU how it's not a big deal. Obviously she has no friggin idea what it's like. My sister and I aren't very close any more. Mostly because she knows what I've been going through and she really doesn't care. She only cares about herself and has 4 beautiful children that she really doesn't deserve and that KILLS me to no end. I'm not sure I even want to share my news with her. She probably will blow it off and start talking about herself and her problems. Ugh. Sorry. Not sure what just came over me. Good luck with your journey! And if she has something smart like that to say again, just straight give it to her, for all of us lol.

beckihall · August 2015

@krbjoy thank you, good luck to you too! I'm super empathetic too, so I just don't get it. But it's her problem, not mine!

Joyzie77 · August 2015

People just don't understand unless they have been through it. People really just need to realize saying nothing at all is better.

khochanadel · August 2015

Thanks for the advice everyone! It's good to see I'm not the only one who's gone through this struggle. It makes me feel lucky that our families are both halfway across the country where they can get on each other's nerves more than mine!

@sabrinahoppas I'm so, so sorry your in-laws are putting so much pressure on you. Endometriosis is a B! If I were in your shoes, I would talk to my husband about handling his family and talking to them about laying off when they don't understand. He needs to advocate for you here. Again, just my opinion. The husband and I handle our own crazy ass families because there's no way one of us could handle both!

The worst my father in law has done is bring up my ectopic pregnancy on Christmas Day last year "So, I heard you had a miscarriage!" I shut that down almost as fast as I drank my wine.

9/17 is right around the corner, right??

Soverthis · August 2015

That must be so hard for you. I can't imagine how it must feel to have such rude things said by someone who knows your situation. Sometimes people are so self-centered. We have been private about our journey for the most part. We have told our parents and a couple close friends. We struggle with how open to be. We have found some great support in a couple people. We have had some really hurtful things said by people we confide it. We also have some hurtful things said by people who do not know we are experiencing infertility. I guess there is no perfect recipe to who to tell and who not to tell. Hang in there.

kaitlink33 · September 2015

The few people who do know we are trying rarely ask about things, but there are some people who immediately started asking when there were gonna be kids so that could be uncles, grandparents, great-grandparents etc. once we got married. And you always have the select few who feel the need to be nosy as soon as you meet them with the "why don't you have any kids yet?" as soon as they find out yes, i am married and been together for a while. Its so frustrating! I just wanna scream and shout that its none of their freaking business and not everyone can be fertile myrtle and have 4 kids by time their 18 (and yes, I know several of those and it kills me inside but thats a different topic)

mskeenan · September 2015

Oh yes my aunt told me I was already behind on the timeline she had for me . As if I asked for her opinion . She then proceeded to ask if I was currently ovulating because I should get on it asap .

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