Mom in the room during delivery - Input please!!

KantriKaida · August 2015

I'm having a really hard time making a decision on how to handle my mom. I would love some input. I'm really upset with how she reacted to me being pregnant. Her first sentence to me was "I'm going to be in the room too, right?" I love her, but she's so infuriating sometimes. At the time I said we'll see. I haven't really talked to her about it since, every time the subject comes up, I change it.

I'm currently 37 weeks, almost 38. My current plan is to not even tell her I'm going into labor. I'm thinking I'll tell her a few hours after the baby is born. I don't particularly want to deal with her breaking down and crying and guilt tripping me into letting her into the room. I really just want it to be my husband and myself. And she bitched ( still does) how she couldn't be in the room when my niece was born. Saying she had "grand parent rights" Etc which I know there's no such thing. This has been frustrating me for the past few weeks. She expects to be in the room. She hasn't asked me at all. Just expects it.

I'm just really frustrated and I'm not sure if it would be better to sit down and talk with her before hand, or just wait to call her till after baby is born when she can come visit... I feel terrible if I don't talk to her before hand, but then again I'm scared I'll feel guilty enough to just say ok and let her in when I really don't want that....

Any input/ideas would be much appriciated!

Blang2014 · August 2015

It is about you and baby! I plan to have my mom and mother in law in the room. But both are really supportive. If I was in your situation I wouldn't have her in there if it's going to add stress to the situation.

Yiggle09 · August 2015

This is just the first of many times you will have to put your foot down now that your going to be the mom. You should talk with her first.

Yiggle09 · August 2015

Adding if she can't respect your wishes now she never will in regards to your baby and anything you want to instill like feeding schedules etc.

tstew96 · August 2015

This is literally my exact same situation except it was my nephew, not niece. She still cries when she talks about not being let into the room with my sister. I would just sit her down and tell her you just want it to be you and your husband in the room. Just be nice and respectful about it and hopefully she'll understand. I'm allowing my mom in the room with me just because I don't want to deal with her crying and bitching about me in the waiting room, but she's under strict instructions that if any type of comment is made that I don't like or she tries to tell my doctors and nurses what to do, she's getting kicked out and not allowed back in until my LO is born. It's a very special time and it's about you, your husband, and the baby, if you don't want her there, she shouldn't be there. It's your choice and your life and she's going to have to accept it.

chelseajeanene · August 2015

She'll forever hold a grudge it seems if you don't tell her you're in labor, not being in the room is one thing, but not even being aware it's happening is another. Why don't you just tell her that the hospital only allows one person in your room with you?

PregNancyClark · August 2015

Can you do both? Can you gently but firmly warn her that she will not be present AND wait to call her after the baby is safely born? Then she won't be shocked, and she'll have to get over it. She'll fall in love with the baby and forgive you I bet.

bnwillia3 · August 2015

It will be hard, but ultimately I think it will be much, much better if you talk to her about it before hand. If you wait until after she will likely be upset not only for not being in the room, but also because you didn't tell her you were in labor, didn't let her wait in the hospital, etc. (not that she "should" be upset or has a "right" to know, but it just sounds like that would be likely).

I would recommend what PP mentioned - be kind and respectful, but also direct and clear with what you want and what will happen. In the end, it sounds like you love your mom very much, which is probably why it is hard for you to talk to her about it - you don't want to see her upset, but it is important to you to share this moment just with your husband and that is 100% acceptable. Stay firm in your choice and remember, she might get upset and that is totally okay! She can be upset and you can still go forward with your plan. You need to do what is right for you, your husband, and your baby - this is the stage where our parents have to take a back seat as we build our own families. It's a tough situation for sure, but likely one of many to come as we navigate this new stage of our lives.

firsttimemamabeare · August 2015

I just dealt with this with my mom... what I did was wrote her a long email to allow myself to put things into words that can be difficult. I wrote things like I was very stressed just thinking about having her in there, was losing sleep and just wasn't comfortable for privacy reasons. I am not one to get naked in front of anyone but my husband the thought of that alone was enough to get me to write the email the closer I got to my due date. I would never have my mom go to an obgyn appointment with me so theres no way she could be in the room for the birth. I also said I wanted the intimate time with just my husband baby and I. I ended with how much I loved her and that I really needed her to RESPECT MY DECISION on the situation. She cannot say no and she will not block you out because at the end of the day she'll wanna see her grand baby

KYmama9286 · August 2015

I totally understand where you're coming from not wanting extra drama while you're in labor BUT as a mom of a daughter I'd be pretty hurt if she didn't even tell me she was in labor. I'd sit down and talk with her beforehand and explain that you want her involved and she can wait in the waiting room but not be in the actual room. If she flips out explain that you don't want to be forced to exclude her but if she continues to act this way you'll have no choice. Maybe knowing the alternative is not being involved at all she'll keep her mouth shut.

KantriKaida · August 2015

Thank you all for the input. It's just really hard. I hate confrontation and I hate making her feel bad. I know I need to stand up and do what's best for me in this, but it's just sooo dang difficult! She's also requested that she comes over every single day for a couple hours (after my husband goes back to work) to help take care of the baby and help me clean my house. I appreciate the opportunity for someone else to help around the house but at the same time I don't want her here every day. I want my time with my baby. I told her that, and her response was ok maybe not a couple days, but most days.

Ugh.

I just feel like she's suffocating me and Lately i've felt like she doesn't even care about me. But I know she does...it's just so hard. -_-

ehgmorse · August 2015

My mom and best friend was dead set on being in the room. I told her that she can be but when it's time to push they are both out. I've had to go to L&D twice now and got cervical exams with her in there and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I was more focused on her there then relaxing for them to do the exam. She now gets it and respects my decision. Honestly I don't want distractions or to feel anxious having other people besides myself and doctors in the room when I'm delivering. Plus I want alone time with my son after and I want to get as cleaned up as I can and don't want an audience for all of that. You gotta do what's right for you. If she really won't respect that communicate with the doctors what's going on and they won't let her in they can tell her you can only have x amount of people in or you can just wait till after you have your baby. Whatever is going to stress you out less and not cause you and your baby stress afterwards.

krose92 · August 2015

Are you OK with her being there some of the time? I'm letting my mom and MIL be in the room during labor (though they may have to take turns), but only DH can stay when I push. TBH, I'll probably ask them to leave during cervix checks too. My mom's totally cool with this, just have to inform the MIL (she's a former doula, hopefully she won't assume I want her through the whole thing).

You should definitely make your wishes clear in advance, and then let your nurses know. They are used to playing the role of "bad guy" and will make sure she doesn't stomp over your wishes.

verveine407 · August 2015

In my family I call this the kitten syndrome. As in, you have a cat, the cat has kittens, and then they are all your cats. It is something I think a lot of families struggle with. I am embarrassed to mention it now but it did help things in the long run - once my mom threatened to go to a hotel because we weren't going to do something her way. I was shaking because it was so hard to call her bluff but I calmly said ok. Boundaries are soooo hard but I think if you follow the advice in this thread it will really set grandma (your mom) up for success with you and your baby. Good luck!

louiser210591 · August 2015

I think everyone feels differently when it comes to parents in the delivery room. I'm having my mum and parter there. I'm extremely close to my mum & I would just feel a lot more comfortable having her around. The thought of doing it without her actually makes me upset. I'm a first time mum and still a bit young and extremely nervous about labour x

surprisepkg31 · August 2015

Nope nope nope!!!! Just say no. Very private very difficult thing to get through. If you don't want her there it's going to ruin your focus and cause your labor to possibly be even more stressful and you don't need that. I'm telling ya... these selfish grandma's drive me crazy! I'm very honest with my mom and she can be upset all she wants, her tears do nothing for me. This is your experience not hers. Stay strong.

ladylianne · August 2015

Its a difficult situation that I am sorry you are in. I would just explain that you would really like just you and your husband to be there when your little one enters the world pointing out that it is the most special time in you and your partner's life. I would explain that although you want her to know you are in labour and she is welcome to wait at the hospital you hope she understands how you feel about this important moment. It is your labour and your baby. Best to do this before though than cause upset on the day. Good luck x

babyplut · August 2015

I hate my mom. And I have for a long time. I even still do now. My first she wasn't there as I was in another province. But for my second a asked her if she wanted to be and she said yes. Her mom was there when I was born so It was something I wanted to give her the option to do. For me being naked infront of anyone was the last thing on my mind with either of my deliverys. Over the couple days in the hospital so many people are going to see your tits and vajayjay that I could really care less. It was funny at a couple times she had to leave the room as it was stressing her out which I thought was super funny. Nothing came bad from having her there but this time I'm not inviting her. Once was enough. Do what you would like it's your special day!

CaboBride2015 · August 2015

I'm not crazy about having my mom there but I have this suspicion that my DH will not be as helpful as I like and my mom knows I'm unsure about having her there so I'm certain she'll be very helpful. My biggest issue with having her there is that she's super emotional and cries all the time. I am not that way so it creeps me out/drives me nuts. If she can't hold her shit together I have no problem telling her to wait outside.

It seems like a pretty big leap to go from not wanting her in the room to not even telling her you're in labor. That would break my mom's heart. I think you should talk to her, tell her you don't think you'll be comfortable with her in there and you hope she doesn't hold it against you like she is your sister but you have to do what's best for you and your new family. I'm very good at not being guilted by anyone but if you're not, just end the conversation there and let her know it's not up for debate. Let the nurses know your wishes and you won't have to worry about it at the hospital either.

LouLouLove · August 2015

Tell her beforehand. If she has it in her mind that she will be in there, she will be even angrier if you don't even tell her your in labor. Just be firm. Tell her your DH and you feel strongly that it just be a moment between your little family and you'd love to have her come in after.

v1wwo · August 2015

Ha! I'm in the opposite situation. I kind of want my mom to be in the room but I think she will fell uncomfortable seeing me go through pain. If the labor is long I want my husband to take a nap or eat something and not have him worried that I'm alone. And I don't want to be alone either. It was recommended to have two people with me.

zappatini · August 2015

This is baby number three for me. I've never let anyone but my husband in the room and I wouldn't have it any other way. With the very first one my mom assumed we would have her there and I just had to be up front with her and say no. I know it hurt her-she was my best friends coach in the room with her during her delivery when her boyfriend left mid pregnancy-but I wanted privacy and a controlled room. She knew the day we were to deliver but that was it. We didn't notify anyone when we went into labor just when the baby arrived. We didn't get any slack for it. Things are so busy during delivery day the last thing you or your husband needs is someone texting you or asking from the waiting room every five minutes for updates. If labor had started on a different day than expected we probably would have reached out to be fair but our kids have all fallen in line with the deliveries as planned for induction.

tlc11934 · August 2015

I agree with OP that you should tell your mom when you're in labor, but make it clear up front that you're not comfortable having anyone there besides DH.

thenaturalrn · August 2015

No one will be in the delivery room except my husband and midwife. This is how we did it with my first and as well with my second. My mom was all butt hurt about it, but I just explained that I was worried about it slowing down labor (me worrying about people being there and it taking a long time or feeling like I need to entertain). I have always retreated deeply inward when in pain and I didn't want to feel bad about that during this special time with my hubby. They know what to expect the second time around so no one has asked thankfully.

str13 · August 2015

My mom was always in the room, but that's where I wanted her! Lol
My situation was a little different, I didn't really have anyone chomping at the bit to be in the room, but wanting to come in as soon as baby was born. I allowed it begrudgingly with DD1. With DD2 I knew what stress that put me under, so I told the nurse I couldn't take it and to please not let anyone back, and she didn't!!
If this isn't a battle you want to fight, just tell the nurse. I'd probably call and let her know you're in labor though.

jbettles · August 2015

I don't understand moms assuming they will be there!! Even if you have a close, open relationship... It's just bizarre to me. I completely agree with the majority - put your foot down, but do it BEFORE you go into labor, and tell her when you go into labor or she will never forgive you.

With DD, we didn't call my mom and dad til 6 am (went to the hospital at 2 am) and they live 3 hrs away, so they just BARELY made it by 9:30, and baby was born at 9:41. I STILL get grief about it, even though we had no idea things would progress so fast, and heaven forbid we wanted to get a little rest rather than make calls in the middle of the night! Lol! But some moms are really good at guilt trips and playing the victim - just don't let it manipulate you into doing something you don't want to.

theglitteredpterodactyl · August 2015

One of the first things my mom said to me when I told her we were TTC was "I'll deliver the baby right?!" To which I said.... No! She was really upset about it and instantly went to guilt trip mode, saying or would mean so much to her and has rewritten her memory to be that she asked to be there during delivery but still, it set a strong tone for Joe my mom had approached my pregnancy. She also told me she would write up a list of what was important for her to experience so I'd know. She never have me the list and turned pretty cold when I shelved all discussions saying my partner and I hadn't talked about the birth experience so we didn't know how we wanted it to go but no I wasn't planning on having her there.

I didn't mention the nothing experience again until a few weeks ago, when I mentioned I want having my sister in there as I had planned (long story but she pulled a 180 in terms of being supportive) and then again a couple days ago I casually mentioned that I hoped baby held off until my bff arrived in town since she was the only one with an invitation (apart from my so). I know it bothered my mom and it WAAF kind of a passive aggressive way of dealing with the situation but sometimes that feels like the only option when the other person is so aggressive and guilt trip ready.

Best of luck navigating this, I guess I don't really have above, just support and sympathy. In the end, though, do what's right for you. Everyone else comes after you and baby.

joellenicole93 · August 2015

We're not telling anyone when I'm in labor. It'll just be me and DH. I've also decided I want no one to visit at the hospital. That is our time. My family respects what we want.

cjstats87 · August 2015

If I were you I'd talk to her and tell her you want a special time with your hub...I personally had my parents and my inlaws (who brought my hubs a cheeseburger fries and shake into my room while laboring naturally which I will never forget) at the hospital so my mom could come in right after #1 was born to be with me and hub could be with baby during weighing, checking ect...with #2 I had her in for the whole thing ( dad and inlaws in waiting room)...she quietly coached when I needed extra breathing help from across the room and hubs was my focal point to look at (squeeze, be strong for me)...this time my dad will come watch our big kids, mom will meet us there ( hubs works odd hours so she may take me) and we are calling in laws after dd2 is born...I hope they aren't pissed but "not my parents not my problem" and I'm planning an un medicated birth so I want NO visitors!

dmland17 · August 2015

I'm so glad my mother doesn't just assume she is going to be in the room. I want her on standby just in case in the moment I decide I need her, and she's fine with that. She wants to be at the hospital just in case my husband (who tends to have a lot of nervous energy) needs to take a break to decompress every now and then. Thank goodness, my MIL knows better than to even ask.

callistosmile · August 2015

You really need to talk to your mom in as straight-forward a manner as possible. Write out a speech if you have to outlining the reasons you do not want her at the hospital while you're laboring, including in the waiting room. She is your mother, and as infuriating as she can be, you don't want to damage the relationship too much, and if she's the type to guilt trip her daughter to get whatever she wants, then she's probably the type to hold a life long grudge about not knowing you were going in to labor.

The first thing my mom said when I told her I was pregnant was, "I thought you were being careful!" so to me, she revoked all rights to special treatment with that foolish statement. She is the queen of the guilt trip, and she cannot understand that I am not the same person as she is. When she had me and my sister, she was in different states than her own mother, and neither she nor her parents could afford plane tickets, so all she can think about is how devastated she was that her mother couldn't be there. I'm not even sure she would have WANTED her mother in the room with her if it hadn't been denied to her from the get-go. Me on the other hand, I took off for a six month road trip and only gave her a weeks notice. I'm very independent, and I always have been. I really don't know how she got the idea into her head that I would want her there with me.

All that said, I will be telling her when I am going in to labor, although if I had been smart about it, I wouldn't have told her what hospital we're going to

When we go, I'm going to wait until we're actually admitted to the hospital so we can turn our phones off and ignore any requests for updates. If anything major happens medically, boyfriend will be responsible for updating my mother, but hopefully things will go off without a hitch, and I will tell her after we've had our bonding time that she can come to the hospital. She desperately wants to be in the waiting room but I can't stand the thought of people waiting for me.

KantriKaida · September 2015

Update - I talked to her today. I was pleasantly shocked that she was completely fine with it! That she probably wouldn't even want to be in the room when the time came to push, and that she understands that we want it just us for the first few hours but wants to be the first visitor. I did not at all think that she would be supportive of my decision! I'm really glad she was though. I'm feeling a lot better now. Guess i was stressing over nothing! I even got barely any sleep last night tossing and turning just thinkinb about it. Maybe tonight I'll sleep better too!!

What a relief!!!!

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