Blaming myself...

PauPau77 · August 2015

I would like to apologize in advance if this doesn't make any sense, I just needed to get my story out...

I feel like my miscarriage was my fault, and now I know there is nothing I can do about it now but I feel a small change may saved my baby's life. I'm not looking for pity or someone to tell me I'm wrong - but I have discussed this with my husband who just yelled at me out of frustration saying that it isn't my fault and I can't think like this. I know my husband is just trying to help and he is frustrated with me because he has been my rock, he helped me and supported me through all of this but he didn't realize him just trying to stop emotion doesn't help, it just makes me cry more.

I got pregnant through a fertility doctor using iui, so we knew pretty quickly that I was pregnant - I was tested on the day my period should have started. We saw what looked like a little seed at my first sonogram and were so excited we told our parents. We saw the heartbeat at the next and we were so excited we told everybody. And then everything went downhill fast. I started to bleed on a Sunday night. I had a dr appt the next night at 4:30 but that wasn't soon enough so we went to the ER. I got a sonogram and the heartbeat was strong but they said I had a subchorinic hemotoma (SCH). I went back to my fertility doctors (because I was still in their care, but I had made an appointment with a regular OB because we needed to transition before the end of the first trimester) and they told the SCH was large but stay on the Lovenox and prgesterone I was on since I became pregnant and all we can do is wait and see and I could go back to work the next day. I went home and said I will just take it easy at work but I'll be OK. Then I started passing clots - my doctor's office was closed because this was like 7 or 8 at night, the doctor on call said I should go see them again the next day. So I did that and the doctor then advised me to stay home on modified bed rest. My appointment with the OB was the next Monday so my husband and I stayed home and worried about our baby but the heartbeat was always strong so that was a good sign. We went to the regular OB that Monday and the SCH grew (it was much larger than the gestinal sac - like 1.5 to 2 times bigger) and the doctor wondered why I was taking Lovenox because its a blood thinner and I have an active bleed. I called the fertility doctor and asked and the answer I got was "it keeps you and the baby healthy" but there was no real reason given. The OB tried to call the fertility doctor and they never called the OB back so the OB took me off the lovenox because he said it should stop the active bleed (I was basically bleeding like a heavy period for over a week at this time). So, I stopped the Lovenox on Tuesday of last week and I had my last appointment with the fertility doctor on Thursday. She asked if I was still on the Lovenox and I said no and she said they advise I stay on because it helps blood flow to the baby and I said "the OB said he would like to try to stop the bleeding because it was a big active bleed" and she ust gave me a face. Then she did the u/s and there was no heartbeat. We went to the OB for a second opinion and there was nothing there on that u/s as well. I was numb - it took me 4 or 5 hours before I could cry. Because I found out on Thursday night and it was too late to get me in for a D&C on Friday I had to wait till Monday to get it done. WORST WEEKEND OF MY LIFE. But, I had the D&C done Monday and now my body has time to heal and I can try again soon.

Here is my issue, I feel like if I would have been given more infomation about why I was on the Lovenox maybe I would have stayed on it and my baby would still be in my belly. The whole time I was bleeding from the SCH and it was growing it wasn't affecting the baby - it was still growing and the heartbeat was strong. So, I feel like I killed my baby. I didn't ask the right questions and I didn't insist on better answers when I spoke to the doctors. I feel like if I would have pushed more and made different decisions I could have saved the life. Instead I made a quick decision and the SCH overtook my uterus and the baby. My baby was only 8 weeks old but it was MY baby and I never expected it to hurt this much but I can't stop crying and I can't get over how happy I was being a mom, even if it was just for a few weeks.

ceclarlinetlo · August 2015

I'm so so sorry. That is such a traumatic experience to go through. I can see why you are tempted to blame yourself but you shouldn't. You made the decisions you felt were right with the information you were given. There is no way to know for sure that stopping the lovenox caused you to miscarry, but in times like this we grasp at anything to give us a sense of understanding and that is low hanging fruit, ripe for the picking.

As hard as it is, the only thing you can do is try to move forward with life. Blaming yourself won't get you anywhere.

It will take time, and might be hard to imagine this could possibly be true but you will feel better. There is no time table To predict when, but it does get better.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DrKariC · August 2015

I'm so sorry. It's really hard but you just can't know that being on the lovenox or not is what caused this. If the bleed was growing, it may have kept growing and caused problems anyway even if you had stayed on it. It's a horrible situation to be in where you have 2 experts telling you opposite information, but it wasn't your fault. I'm so sorry.

whit3183 · August 2015

I am so, so sorry for your loss, but please don't blame yourself. Chances are, it was completely unrelated to you discontinuing the Lovenox.

I had a similar situation with my 2nd miscarriage -- really heavy bleeding but after 2 days of bleeding, there was still a heartbeat. My hormone levels were good, and my doctor seemed fairly positive. However, the ultrasound technician (who I knew from my previous miscarriage and other medical issues) did not seem enthusiastic, and I could tell she didn't have a good feeling about it. I went in for another ultrasound after a few more days of bleeding, and there was no heartbeat. The ultrasound tech told me one-on-one that it might be for the best that I ended up miscarrying in the 6 week range, because she's seen other times when the baby will hold on until 20 weeks and then die. It's just really hard for them to survive when there's a lot of bleeding for an extended amount of time, and continuing the Lovenox probably would have only made you bleed more.

Again, I'm so sorry you're going through this

PauPau77 · August 2015

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Again, I wasn't looking for people to pity me or telling me that it wasn't my fault, I just needed to get it all out to people who might understand. Its hard to explain how I feel to people who haven't gone through something similiar. My husband, who has been my rock and helps me through all the other feelings just gets frustrated because he can't do or say anything that can help with this.

Eveiii · August 2015

I'm in the same boat. I lost my baby due to the medication I was on and the doctor told me it was 100% because of the medication and I aborted my baby.

I don't really have words to comfort you as there's none in the situation. I know for my self personally if I knew the meds would of killed my baby before hand I wouldn't not of been on them, that gives me a tinny bit of comfort. I still though blame myself to this day but the days do get easier.

PauPau77 · August 2015

Oh Eveiii I am so sorry you had to go through that. I don't understand why the doctors don't give us all the information. I found out more information from websites and research on the internet after this all happened to me and now I know what exactly to say to get the information I need. But, I feel I shouldn't have to ask the right question exactly the right way to be told what is best in any situation.

mamalucy15 · August 2015

I'm so sorry for your loss and I totally get you with the feeling of self blame although my situation was different no matter how many times DH or the doctors tell me it was not my fault I still feel the guilt of it all. I had to research a lot still am doing The research actually to try to get some more answers since I feel my doctor didn't answer everything But now I have a list of questions to ask him at my 6week pp. Maybe seek a third opinion and I hope you get all the answers you deserve.

GridIronGrrl34 · August 2015

PauPau77 said:

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Again, I wasn't looking for people to pity me or telling me that it wasn't my fault, I just needed to get it all out to people who might understand. Its hard to explain how I feel to people who haven't gone through something similiar. My husband, who has been my rock and helps me through all the other feelings just gets frustrated because he can't do or say anything that can help with this.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm fresh off of a loss myself, so I understand some of the pain and grief you are going through. I agree with everyone else that you can't blame yourself. You did the best you could with conflicting information from your doctors. And it sounds like you made a decision based on the doctor who gave you the best logical explanation for his opinion. I'm sorry that it didn't work out, but you did the best you could. As far as your husband goes, I'm think he is probably really just hurting for you. I think it must be hard to be the husband and be part of what is happening, but outside of it a bit, because it's not his body. Husbands want to fix problems, and this isn't one he can do anything about. I'm sure it's frustrating for him. Also remember that anger is a part of the grieving process, and his lashing out is probably a part of that, not necessarily anything he means to direct right at you. He is frustrated and hurt and just trying to process this the way you are.

I hope that the both of you can find peace. In the meantime, I understand what you are going through and sympathize. Cut yourself some slack and let yourself mourn this loss. Sending creepy internet hugs your way.

Blaming myself...

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