April 2016 Moms

Doubt Creeping In...

This (our first) pregnancy was absolutely planned, wanted and loved but I suppose I'm beginning to mourn our "couple days".  I'm 30, DH 33 and we've been married almost 2 years (together going on 8).  We were (and still are of course) totally happy, we didn't feel anything was missing from our lives. Our bucket list is about 4 pages long (mostly involving international travel) and we're extremely private people (really enjoy our alone time together).  But we both knew we wanted at least 1 kiddo and I didn't want to wait too long; so we set out trying.  Month 5 and BAM- astonishment and overwhelming joy.   But this past weekend we were at a music festival and I started to be a little sad about the coming changes (the event was full of pregnant women and kiddos alike- so not even sure why it triggered these feelings).  How will our relationship fair, how will it change?  Will he still love me and me him or will little bean be the absolute center of focus?  How can we maintain our lifestyle or will we even miss it?  Are we secure enough in our finances?  Am I to selfish to be a mom?  I know little bean will be absolutely loved once he or she arrives but I'm having a hard time connecting right now...  I'm 7 weeks 3 days and have our first prenatal and U/S next Monday- I'm hoping that may turn things around a little.  Perhaps the MS and exhaustion are adding insult to injury?  Anyone out there starting to doubt or question if this was the right path even though it was so wanted just a few months ago?  Is it just hormones?

Re: Doubt Creeping In...

  • Hi,
    I think these are all pretty normal thoughts/feelings.  I remember having a lot of similar thoughts when I first got my BFP.  I did not know whether to feel happy/excited or sad in a way.  And to be honest I have some similar thoughts now that I am pregnant with #2.  I don't want people to think we are not excited because we are, but I definitely have a lot of worries/concerns and I know that the MS and being tired can really play tricks on your mind too.  And to be honest, I remember feeling so excited when DD was born and then week's 3 to 5 were hard because I felt so isolated and cut off from friends and the world and was at home with a crying baby that I was struggling to soothe.  I started to find my own pace later and really enjoyed it, but its hard too.  A lot of people make it seem like roses and birds singing and I guess it can be, but it was never that way for me.  Please keep talking about your feelings with us and your family and friends and do not feel like you are alone.
  • First, congratulations!

    Second, what you are feeling is 100% normal and it's not just the hormones.  DD2 was planned and even though we knew we wanted another one, there was still those feelings of "what did we do?!"  Your feelings are completely valid, as having a child does change your life in many ways, some in which you never even thought about.  

    The one thing that has helped me is sort of keeping those fears in mind so that I'm aware of them and can make an effort where and when it's needed.  For example, my marriage has changed with the addition of two kids but because I was so worried about it, I am able to make more of an effort in spending time with DH when we can and stealing those moments of coupledom.  Whether it's a date night out or making a night in more romantic, we try to make the effort.  I've also had to make the effort to keep my own personal interests 'alive' so to speak. I love to read, be crafty, bake, go for hikes, so I try to find times when I can still be involved in those activities.  

    It's not always easy and there are times when the effort can't/isn't made.  But the good thing is you can always get it back :)

    The hardest time is probably the first year, with emphasis on the first 3 months.  Once that passes, it gets easier.

    Good luck!
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  • DH and I also have a huge bucket list that involves a lot of international travel. Good news is that you can teach your child to travel and the child can join. We've taken DS to five different countries Europe, Mexico, Toronto and will be going to Australia after this one is born. He's 16 months old and has more stamps in his passport than most people get in their lifetime. He loves traveling with us. We are also very private people and enjoy our quiet time together. And DS is the same. He is most content when we are laying on the floor together. He will play and is perfectly content during our quiet time. We want more kids so that he can have a travel buddy to explore with. So I guess my point is that this doesn't mean life is over. It changes, but in a good way. You and your DH decide what to expose the child to and they are adaptive and resilient. 
    BabyFetus Ticker
  • I don't want people to think we are not excited because we are, but I definitely have a lot of worries/concerns and I know that the MS and being tired can really play tricks on your mind too.  And to be honest, I remember feeling so excited when DD was born and then week's 3 to 5 were hard because I felt so isolated and cut off from friends and the world and was at home with a crying baby that I was struggling to soothe.  I started to find my own pace later and really enjoyed it, but its hard too.  A lot of people make it seem like roses and birds singing and I guess it can be, but it was never that way for me. 

    Thanks- this is really helpful! I really appreciate it!

  • I think it's normal to worry - but you'll be fine.  Life will not be the same as it was before, but that's okay.  Just like any major life change, you'll miss what you had, but there's plenty in the future to be excited about.  (Like how sometimes I miss the free-spirited nature of my college days, but I would never go back given the choice. I love my life now, and I'll love it in the future too).
    DH and I are in our 30s and have been together for more than 10 years.  Sometimes when we're laying in bed in the morning and everything is so calm and quiet, I just try to soak it all in and savor every moment.  It won't be that still for long.  
    I think we're lucky to live in a time where becoming a parent doesn't mean giving up on life.  
    Good Luck with all your future endeavors, baby (or babies) in tow! 
  • DH and I also have a huge bucket list that involves a lot of international travel. Good news is that you can teach your child to travel and the child can join. We've taken DS to five different countries Europe, Mexico, Toronto and will be going to Australia after this one is born. He's 16 months old and has more stamps in his passport than most people get in their lifetime. He loves traveling with us. We are also very private people and enjoy our quiet time together. And DS is the same. He is most content when we are laying on the floor together. He will play and is perfectly content during our quiet time. We want more kids so that he can have a travel buddy to explore with. So I guess my point is that this doesn't mean life is over. It changes, but in a good way. You and your DH decide what to expose the child to and they are adaptive and resilient.

    I LOVE THIS!  Thank you- I always assumed it would be impossible to travel with a little one but you give me hope!

  • I think what you're feeling is totally normal. Your life definitely will change, but you'll get used to it. There will be a new normal. I'm willing to bet that when you see your husband with your child, you'll fall in love with him even more. I can't get enough of watching DH play with DS - they love each other so much.

    You might not be able to travel as much (or maybe you will! - We went to Puerto Rico with DS when he was 11 months and I have a friend who has brought her infant to Switzerland multiple times), but there will be plenty of time for family travel when the kids are old enough and even for romantic getaways too.

    You'll probably have to make more time for your marriage. Date nights are so hard to come by for us, but so worth it when they do. There might also be times when you want to kill your husband because you're so sleep deprived, but it'll pass. And it'll be easier to connect once you see baby on an ultrasound and you feel him or her move. 

    LFAF April Siggy: TV/Movie BFFs








    BFP #1 12/2012, DS born 8/2013
    BFP #2 7/2015, MMC and D&C 9/2015
    BFP #3 11/2015, CP
    BFP #4 1/2016, DD born 10/2016




  • Part of it is,probably hormones and the other part is probably the fact that your starting to realize how much things will change. Having a LO is a huge transition and can be scary but once he/she is here and in your arms those feeling take a back burner for a moment and you learn that it's worth it. Your relationship with DH won't "change" in the sense you're talking about. It will grow because you created your LO out of love for each other. Your LO will be center focus for a little while, at least at first, but once you get a routine at home going just try to make time for each other. I would suggest every night for maybe an hour while LO is sleeping. If that's not realistic with your schedules then try to do every other night. You always want to have one on one time with each other. Also, do date nights once or twice a month and have somebody watch your LO. Idk what your lifestyle really is so that kinda hard to answer. You may miss it some or you may not miss it at all. For my DH and I we don't miss it because nothing really changed. We aren't they type to go out with friends or anything, never have been, so for us it wasn't a huge change in that department. Idk your finances either, but going off the assumption you guys planned this baby you probably had at least an idea that babies are expensive. This is very true lol but there are things you can do to save money, i.e. Cloth diapers, breastfeed, don't go all out on clothes and buy every item (especially with the first year because they grow so fast it's possible they wouldn't even wear every outfit) thrift stores are awesome. There are a lot out there that have good quality items that were hardly used and usually half the price of brand new. Once you're a mom you won't be selfish. You won't want to do things for yourself on a daily basis, you'll want to do whatever you can for your LO instead.
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