Worst daughter in law award? MIL rant

laur0n · August 2015

My MIL hasn't acted excited about my pregnancy except for when we told her that we're expecting then once I told her we're switching OBGYN's (more local now).
Well, I posted gender reveal on Facebook, (after we told all future grandparents) bc as most know, it's the easiest way to inform everyone. She said absolutely nothing. No picture "like", no comment, no text, nothing! Then yesterday, I (finally) posted an ultrasound pic around I think 11am ..and once again, no picture liking, no comment or text until my husband and I were going to bed almost 12 hours later and he gets "would have been nice to see ultrasound pic before Facebook post"

Am I wrong to be annoyed by this?

My FIL (who has barely been involved in my husband's life) is more excited and shows more interest than her. He doesn't ask how I'm feeling but he atleast acknowledges texts and posts. Even went as far as telling me to make sure I tag him in everything!

MissMheMhe · August 2015

I don't get bent out of shape over FB. Maybe she wants to be more closely involved but doesn't know how to tell you?

jencook25 · August 2015

FB does not equal real life. I think if your posting baby things on fb (sex, photos) it would be curteous to first share them personally and privately (read, in real life, or over the phone at least, if distance is an issue perhaps even texting the photo) with grandparents first.

Sorry if i have read your question wrong, but at present I agree with your MIL

djdawn29a · August 2015

Just one of the many reasons I dislike Facebook...its unnecessary worry/anger..Facebook free for 4 months and loving it...

mrsgetz4000 · August 2015

Yea. Screw Facebook

QueenCarlissa · August 2015

I'd say your over doing a little with thinking she would be real concerned with what your doing doctor wise I feel that's something your own mother would ask about and be curious not her. Kinda agree with her personal intimate people should see first then everyone else on FB. I don't think she is trying to communicate with you just doesn't know how to say it she's a grown woman and she needs to figure it out no one has time to read between the lines or catch subliminal statements that's too much for grown ups to be doing.

MrsB915 · August 2015

I agree with your MIL that personal things like announcing pregnancy, sex and showing u/S pictures should be shared with immediate family before it is shared with the rest of the world. I always make sure before posting big news on Facebook that I've told at least indicate family first. They are far more important to me than someone I went to middle school with and as such deserve to know things first.

She may be acting a little passive agressive about it but maybe she's hurt that she doesn't seem to be anymore important to you than your Facebook acquaintances and she don't know how to tell you that it bothers her.

laur0n · August 2015

Distance isn't an issue at all, they live half a mile from us. My husband gets really annoyed with that part. She never comes to our house to see us or visit his daughter (we get his daughter once a week and every other weekend). Since we moved in this house in 2011, his mom has probably been over 7 times. Then my parents who live 40 minutes away, don't think twice about coming over.
With the doctor, when we first told her we're expecting, she asked where the OBGYN is. So I told her in the town that I'm from bc I was already established there then she made the comment, "well, that's close for your mom.." (She and my mom don't get along).
My husband told her the sex of the baby the day we found out, almost two weeks ago.
And Facebook, if it wasn't for me having family in Virginia, Tennessee, New York and South Carolina, I wouldn't have posted anything. Just don't live anywhere close to them.

Sorry for the book.

saraawlbr · August 2015

As much as my MIL can be totes overbearing most of the time I have to agree that she has every right to be upset with receiving your news, photos etc. through Facebook rather than from you personally beforehand. My MIL is famous for being passive aggressive so, I just try not to give her reason to be and just appease her. Even though i'd love sometimes to just keep stuff from her so she can't share her opinions. :P

mamakculb · August 2015

Is your MIL really active on Facebook? Mine is on all day and posts stupid stuff all the time, so I could understand getting a little miffed when she doesn't take the time to comment or like something, especially if it involves the baby.

It probably would've been a nice gesture to text her the picture before posting it, but if she hasn't been very excited before now you probably didn't think it would make a difference.

I think it's mostly a communication issue. She may be more excited than you think and maybe just doesn't know how much to talk to you about it. Maybe if you open that line up with her and text her more regularly with little updates she may feel comfortable and reciprocate. "Felt the baby move today" "heartbeat was 145 today!" Etc.

laur0n · August 2015

kristanoah said:
Is your MIL really active on Facebook? Mine is on all day and posts stupid stuff all the time, so I could understand getting a little miffed when she doesn't take the time to comment or like something, especially if it involves the baby.

It probably would've been a nice gesture to text her the picture before posting it, but if she hasn't been very excited before now you probably didn't think it would make a difference.

I think it's mostly a communication issue. She may be more excited than you think and maybe just doesn't know how much to talk to you about it. Maybe if you open that line up with her and text her more regularly with little updates she may feel comfortable and reciprocate. "Felt the baby move today" "heartbeat was 145 today!" Etc.

I tried the texting more regularly, was letting her know how appointments were going then she just stopped responding. I told my husband I just want to give up with her and he said he's actually to the point of not wanting to let her know when we go for delivery bc of how she acts. He's tried to talk to her before but she won't say much. He thinks maybe she's acting this way because she has 6 grandkids already and ours will be #7.

fragglemom · August 2015

I also like Facebook for being able to stay connected with my friends and family around the world. I'm a bit old fashioned though and don't let people find out major life events .through postings. Immediate family get phone calls and texted photos first thing. Everyone else gets phone calls, text messages, or even private messages before I go ahead and post. For those of us who are more traditional it can be very hurtful to see big news on facebook.
As for her general distance; she may be like my mom. My mom won't drop by and she rarely initiates phone calls. She says she doesn't want to smother me so she anxiously waits for calls and invites. Maybe you could see what happens if you invite her over sometime. Maybe for dinner or lunch with her granddaughter.

laur0n · August 2015

jessfragione said:
I also like Facebook for being able to stay connected with my friends and family around the world. I'm a bit old fashioned though and don't let people find out major life events .through postings. Immediate family get phone calls and texted photos first thing. Everyone else gets phone calls, text messages, or even private messages before I go ahead and post. For those of us who are more traditional it can be very hurtful to see big news on facebook.
As for her general distance; she may be like my mom. My mom won't drop by and she rarely initiates phone calls. She says she doesn't want to smother me so she anxiously waits for calls and invites. Maybe you could see what happens if you invite her over sometime. Maybe for dinner or lunch with her granddaughter.

We've invited her and my husband's stepdad over before for different stuff and she always comes up with a reason why they can't come over..unless they need to borrow something, then she's over here ASAP. I just don't get it

mamakculb · August 2015

@laur0n ugh that stinks! I would say then to just keep her updated as you normally would and let it be. Don't stress to go out of your way to include her but don't exclude her either. Keep your own accountability in knowing that you did what you should but you shouldn't have to chase someone unwilling to be happy and excited for you. Doesn't smarter if it's grandkid #27, it's your baby and she should be happy for you. Hope she comes around!

willashbaby · August 2015

She's a pain in the ass, simple. Just text her whatever you plan on putting on FB and hour or so before you do and don't worry about it. Her not responding is her choice, if she won't talk about what's bothering her there's nothing you can do about it. At least if you always text her first she can't "say" anything about it. My MIL is a PITA too and we always just text her first.

mamakculb · August 2015

willashbaby said:
She's a pain in the ass, simple. Just text her whatever you plan on putting on FB and hour or so before you do and don't worry about it. Her not responding is her choice, if she won't talk about what's bothering her there's nothing you can do about it. At least if you always text her first she can't "say" anything about it. My MIL is a PITA too and we always just text her first.

This exactly!

fragglemom · August 2015

Yep. Sounds like she's trying to be difficult. I agree with @willashbaby

shaunahf · August 2015

I think she's being difficult too. Just go about your business and brush it off. If she wanted to see the ultrasound picture she lives so close she could have found time to stop over.

jrouge12 · August 2015

Sounds like she needs to calm down. But older people don't have the same attitudes towards social media as younger generations. I still think it is better to give close family news first by phone or email before Facebook. Also don't worry about who likes things on Facebook, it should not be how you judge someone's reaction to news or life events. The other person most likely doesn't know they are causing offense.

jferrer1212 · August 2015

Aww good luck hun!! Everytime I can't stand my MIL or she gets under my skin, I hear other ppl have it so much worse or as bad/petty. Lol. Why do MILs cause soo much grief?

starree444 · August 2015

I think both of you are overreacting about it.

SullyN · August 2015

I agree with the idea of continuing to keep texting her even if she doesn't respond. Personal experience: my MIL used to get bent out of shape since she would miss pictures. She always jumps to the worst case scenario so she would accuse me of blocking her from certain pictures. Now if there's a picture about this pregnancy I just tag the grandparents so they're "involved."

Monilee1017 · August 2015

First, I personally send texts and pictures to my IL's and parents every time I have an ultrasounds. I feel it is more personally and makes them feel special knowing it before others. Also I'm not a big facebook user, I have only posted one thing about this pregnany so far and it was a pregnancy annoucement about 6 weeks after our family and close friends knew. Second, this is problem with facebook. Why are you getting your feeling hurt because someone didn't comment or like your photo? Maybe she wasn't on, maybe she didn't like the fact the she didn't get to see the picture first so she wasn't going to like the picture. Also would you have wanted her text to your DH to have been written in the comments? Really to me it just sounds like your being sensitive. But that's just what I think. I am very close with my MIL we are texting, calling and seeing eachother all the time. So I couldn't imagine not gettin along with your IL's.

laur0n · August 2015

I texted her this morning and said "we're at the half way mark today

" and her response was "yeah". I've tagged her in every post and she ignores it. I just don't get why the sudden change. When we first told her, she was so excited that she called her own mom before my husband got a change to then apologized and I told her I thought it was funny. Then she got weird when we posted the "we're expecting" announcement. We told her beforehand to please not say or post anything until we do ..then once we announced, we let her know we posted so she could if she would like to and she said "I saw you posted. No need to share again. Goodnight"
I actually used to be somewhat close to her but idk what happened.
Maybe I am overreacting, idk. My husband said that he was talking to his grandma and told her that something seems off with his mom lately.

dc072175 · August 2015

I agree with you - you can't win for trying with some people. You've shared all the other info first with her, who cares if she didn't see a pic first. People get so bent about ridiculous things and social media is yours to do with what you will! Have at it and shake off the MIL crazy!

kodariah · August 2015

This might not be her trying to not care but maybe a difference in families. My family is alot more involved in each others lifes then my husband's family is. From the very start they haven't been near as involved no matter how hard I try. I've struggled with it alot feeling like they don't care about what their son is doing or that they don't like me but they are just a different kind of people and I had to get used to that. Since I found out I was pregnant they only ask me about it when I see them which isn't often. My family all called me when they found out what I was having and I don't think I've heard from his family. Instead they post all over fb alot of times before I get to and act excited then I never see the excitement. I know they love me and care some times people just have there own things going on and they have a hard time being involved about what others are dealing with. And hey I would take them not commenting and ignoring your post rather then posting before you can and so when you finnaly say something everyone already knows. And I wouldn't let her text about it being on fb first bug you. It would be hard to want to get her involved when she never seems to care then frustrating when she decides it's offensive that she's not involved but its one of those things you can't control so just let it roll off your shoulder

CaraBoonie · August 2015

I personally text ultrasound pictures and videos to my mom, MIL, siblings, and best friend before posting on Fbook, so I personally see why she would be a little hurt that you didn't think to share with her before sharing with the world. That said, it doesn't have to become a big thing, just say "Whoops, sorry, I'm such a public person this is how I'm used to sharing information, but next time I'll text it to you first for sure!" (and then actually follow through) and crisis averted.

aphilli8 · August 2015

I think getting upset that somebody didn't "like" your pic is ridiculous.

I would have sent the pic to family first, but I don't think your mil in should have said anything about it.

lwebley · August 2015

Whether you love your inlaws or not. Things like that should probably be shared with family first, then fb. We tend to send a text to them and then post if we plan on sharing.

QueenCarlissa · August 2015

@laur0n I just got updated on everything else you've said about your mother in law at this point I wouldn't even try to please her. THATS JUST ME though. Because if she never texts back or any of that then there no point to even waste your time. Cause clearly she wants you guys to go out of your way to please her while she sits there and thinks she's supposed to be updated on every detail. Now seeing how she acts on a regular I think it's fine you didn't share the news with her first. I hope she can get her act together before baby comes.

l4rk · August 2015

I love Facebook but I email all my updates to my grandparents, parents (including in-laws) and sister. If I were your MIL, I would also be pretty offended to be lumped in the same category as casual acquaintences... especially since in-laws are prime candidates for future child-related favours.

GAgirlinSDakota · August 2015

Ok, maybe I'm reading the OP wrong, but it sounds like she *did* text/tell her MIL everything before FB, EXCEPT this one ultrasound picture. So the telling her she really should be telling MIL first is kinda moot. MIL hasn't particularly given a rat's furry butt about any of it so far, so I wouldn't put in much effort anymore for her either. I mean, if she can't even bother to respond in a semi-positive way, I might assume she didn't care to know first. If my MIL is being a butt, it's my DH/SO's job to tell her what's happening. Not mine.

UptownPearl · August 2015

It seems like there's something else going on here. She seems like she's being passive aggressive over something she's upset about and she isn't just telling you what it is, but giving you the cold shoulder instead. If you care about your relationship with her you really need to sit down with her and tell her you can see her attitude towards you has changed and you want to know why. If she won't be the adult then you'll have to.

laur0n · August 2015

My husband has tried talking to her about things before but unfortunately, she just acts annoyed and makes us feel stupid. Almost like its a bother to her regardless of how we choose to contact her (usually my husband calls or texts her, depending on the time of day).

laur0n · August 2015

lwebley said:
Whether you love your inlaws or not. Things like that should probably be shared with family first, then fb. We tend to send a text to them and then post if we plan on sharing.

Before we announced the "expecting" announcement and gender reveal, we made sure to tell all grandparents first (great grandparents and our parents). Everything has pretty much flip flopped. At first, she was more excited than my mom and now my mom is more excited than her. I just don't get what happened and my MIL won't say anything. If she got mad about something, it's like she's keeping it a secret.

kimberlypohl · August 2015

It's your pregnancy and your decision so if you wanted to put it on Facebook what's the big deal?! Don't let someone else bring you down!

laur0n · August 2015

aphilli8 said:
I think getting upset that somebody didn't "like" your pic is ridiculous.

I would have sent the pic to family first, but I don't think your mil in should have said anything about it.

I don't really care about how many likes I get on a picture lol that's just been the grandparents way of showing they saw stuff they've been tagged in is by "liking" it and sometimes comment. I don't really care how they go about telling us they saw it. The one time she got upset because she saw my father in laws name got tagged before hers (they're divorced) and it was bc I was on the computer instead of my phone and our computer mouse is temperamental.

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